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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn’t go to event I paid for?

68 replies

Wastedticket · 02/07/2023 22:20

Paid half towards a ticket for a friend birthday present so she could go to an event she’d wanting to go to. Another Friend organised this and I said fab but can’t afford to go myself.

Friend gave her it.

Its not been mentioned or even thanks for. I don’t think they even went even though organising friend said they did.

However no mention of it, zero social media posts (I’d expect to see some tbh).

Been ages now. It’s really irritated me.

Would you ask her outright if she enjoyed it. Seen her loads since!

OP posts:
BadNomad · 03/07/2023 00:53

Was it Glastonbury? I wouldn't mention it. If she didn't go she probably just doesn't want you to think your gift wasn't appreciated.

thishasnotmyweek · 03/07/2023 01:19

This is a hard one

Because if the situation was reversed and the post was ‘I’ve been bought a birthday gift for an event but I don’t want to / can’t go because of xyz’

likely the majority of responses would be you don’t have to go if you don’t want to, you had this put on you etc

was it an event she could have given you the tickets to if she didn’t go? If yes then she could have made it clear she was thankful but wasn’t going to attend and asked if anyone else wanted the tickets

is she hard up on money? any chance she sold the tickets for some cash (if she did I wouldn’t begrudge her this)

when you buy someone a present you have to do so with the the thought that they can do what they like with that present. Give without expecting

as a op said if you buy someone tickets to something there’s always a chance they won’t go

I think YABU and should just let it go

JennyJenny8675309 · 03/07/2023 02:52

YADNBA! I’ve had it with gift recipients not bothering to acknowledge a gift. I don’t expect a big fuss but an acknowledgment is needed. Twice last year I gave very generous cash graduation gifts to friends’ kids and received no acknowledgement. I had to ask if they received the card from me because it might have been lost in the post. 😕

FiddleLeaf · 03/07/2023 07:53

YANBU for expecting gratitude but whether she goes or not is her business. It was a gift

BogTrollAtLarge · 03/07/2023 08:03

She should have said thank you for the gift- but if she didn’t want to go to the event she isn’t obliged to. I actually really don’t like it when people give me experience gigs- I’ve been given gig tickets, spa days, pamper sessions and afternoon teas and I’ve never used any of them.

HarrisJu · 03/07/2023 08:05

My dbil and his dw act like the arbiters of good manners except they never acknowledge gifts.
Not only do I never know if they liked the gift I don’t know if they received it.
I don’t give them gifts anymore.

notsayingmuch · 03/07/2023 08:15

I think you should have a conversation with the friend you gave the money to, find out what happened in the end from her perspective.

kweeble · 03/07/2023 08:21

I would learn from this and not get involved with joint presents especially if it’s more than you can really afford.
Your friend doesn’t appreciate your contribution so may not know about it;it annoys me when people take the credit for organising others to give money in this way.

veryfluffyfluff · 03/07/2023 08:24

And as pp said stop doing joint gifts

Inkpotlover · 03/07/2023 08:26

Wastedticket · 02/07/2023 23:05

No the other friend said they went when I asked.

I sensed a lie.

Did you actually see the ticket or get a receipt? I wonder if the friend pocketed your money and bought birthday friend something cheaper…

MadamWhiteleigh · 03/07/2023 08:39

She didn’t go and is embarrassed and so hasn’t mentioned it to you

Marchintospring · 03/07/2023 08:39

Maybe the lack of thanks is because she’s embarrassed to admit she never used the obviously generous gift. I think that sometimes spending a lot puts more onus on the participate to love/ use it and then what if they don’t.

I also think the non thankers assume you give presents you can afford. I think sometimes the amount of thought, savings or searching a gift is under valued.

Did she not thank you when it was handed over?

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 03/07/2023 08:42

Wastedticket · 02/07/2023 22:34

True but it was ages ago and weird to suddenly bring it up now.

Show quote history

Well why bring it up now at all?

If you must, ask her outright, something like "go on you can tell me now, did you actually go?"

Plumbear2 · 03/07/2023 09:04

Why would she have posted it on social media? Mist people don't post everything they do. I only post about twice a year if that.

User8907 · 03/07/2023 09:30

Why didn't you ask when you next saw her? Bit late now...
Also, if you bought her anything else, fancy chocolates, shirt etc would you insist a picture and a throughout report how they enjoyed it...

bonzaitree · 03/07/2023 09:40

I don’t think id say anything tbh… it’s been and gone and what’s done is done.

I just wouldn’t be buying her expensive presents again. Card and a £5 chocolate or small plant would be fine.

HushHushDarling · 03/07/2023 10:08

If it's a yearly type event id probably go along the lines of
'I really want to go next year, let's see some of your pics I want to see what it's like!'

You'll know straight away if she says her phones dead / she didn't take any / she deleted them etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2023 10:09

Wastedticket · 02/07/2023 22:34

True but it was ages ago and weird to suddenly bring it up now.

Show quote history

well yes, exactly.

if i paid half for say a concert ticket, i'd be saying during normal conversation ohh its Take That tomorrow, are you excited? and id message on the night saying have a great night, and i'd message afterwards to see if they had a good night.

Why didn't you speak to your friend whos gift it was at the time?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 03/07/2023 10:09

Maybe I'm giving them more credit than they deserve, but if they knew that you wanted to go as well, but couldn't afford it, might they have deliberately held off on posting about it on their SM feeds that they knew you would see to avoid making you even more disappointed at missing it?

starrynight21 · 03/07/2023 10:12

Wastedticket · 02/07/2023 22:34

True but it was ages ago and weird to suddenly bring it up now.

Show quote history

Not weird at all - just say " Oh I was meaning to ask, did you end up going to XYZ event back in January ? I never heard - how was it ?"

honeylulu · 03/07/2023 10:42

It's a sunk cost so try not to think about it, but in your position I'd make sure I never gave a gift of that type to her again. Similar happened to me. Friend said he really wanted a one off flying lesson for his 40th. Clubbed together with another friend to pay for it. He booked it one time and it was called off for weather reasons. Never tried to rebook as "couldn't be bothered" and after a year it expired. That was the last present I got him.

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/07/2023 10:50

I can see why you're annoyed OP and don't think YABU but personally I would just leave it and probably wouldn't care. What benefit is there to pushing and/or manipulating an answer out of her as some are suggesting just so you can prove she didn't go. The money isn't coming back. If she was too tired or didn't fancy it on the day or in the end then it is what it is and presumably it's your feelings that are being skirted around by pretending to have gone.

Ultimately if I bought someone else something/anything for their birthday and it ended up not being something they liked or got use out of (whether they asked for it or hinted for it or not) then so be it, I'm sure it happens all the time.

The only thing that would irk me is the lack of thanks but I'd remedy that by just not bothering with a gift for her next time, and send a card instead.

istolethetalisker · 03/07/2023 10:56

It's not a waste of your money - you bought as a gesture of friendship. It's a pity she over-committed and couldn't use it, so to that extent she wasted an opportunity, but that's her loss, not yours. As far as you're concerned, it fulfilled its purpose as a gift, as a thoughtful demonstration that you like her and you like her to have the opportunity to do things she enjoys.

You're definitely overthinking this. A bit rude not to thank you properly, but if anything that reflects embarrassment that they couldn't use it. Let it go.

burnoutbabe · 03/07/2023 11:51

The issue is she may not even know the op paid half. So I'd feel the need to confirm that.

Babyboomtastic · 03/07/2023 12:23

So you don't know for sure that she knows you paid half, and the person who paid the other half, that she went with, says they went.

Yes, if she knew you contributed sure should have thanked you personally, but to base her not going on lack of social media is odd and a bit presumptive.

Could she have thanked the friends and asked her to pass along her gratitude or something? (Obviously not like doing it in person, but it's another explanation).