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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage

31 replies

Lillabetty · 02/07/2023 19:19

Me and partner have been together for 6 years 2 kids together 4 and 5months. I've always had trouble with my mental health has got worse over the years due to PND ( I am getting help)

AIBU to tell me partner I'm unsure on the relationship anymore because he said we aren't and most likely never will marry because of my mental health. Marriage hasn't been on the forefront of my mind at all but hearing those words broke my heart

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 02/07/2023 21:57

Is he saying that he wants to split ? It’s ok for him to not want to get married.

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 22:00

YANBU to tell your partner that not being married is a deal breaker for you, no.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 22:01

I mean it sounds like he's telling you it's over

Original poster

Lillabetty · 02/07/2023 22:02

No hasn't hinted that he wants to split. Absolutely he doesn't have to get married he wants to get married (said it in the past) just not to me because of my mental health

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 22:03

Has he said why, specifically? Are you getting proper help with your mental health?

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 22:06

he wants to get married (said it in the past) just not to me because of my mental health that's what I mean. Your mental health issues are part of you

FabFitFifties · 02/07/2023 22:08

So he wants to get married but not to you? Shame he didn't let you know becore the new baby! Cut your losses OP-or you'll live your life feeling not good enough and waiting to be traded in.

alargeoneforme · 02/07/2023 22:09

To me, specifically stating a reason why he doesn't want to marry you, suggests he want to keep the option of walking away open, so I think he has thought/is thinking about splitting. Or at least, doesn't see the relationship lasting the course. So YANBU if that is a deal breaker for you. So sorry.

AndTheSurveySays · 02/07/2023 22:09

So you're good enough to shag and be the mother of his children but not good enough to marry?

WunWun · 02/07/2023 22:12

I agree that this implies he doesn't want you to stay together. Because it implies that he feels getting married would mean that he was stuck with you and your mental health issues, whereas at the moment he's free to walk away any time

Ponoka7 · 02/07/2023 22:12

If anything he should want to marry you to be your next of kin defined by the MH act. My DH was sectioned, we had relatives who were in complete denial and it was useful to outrank them and be the one who was in the meetings. You really need to discuss this further.

Original poster

Lillabetty · 02/07/2023 22:21

It's made me feel very empty. He's the love of my life i saw the house, marries more children the works with him even after 6 years i get butterflies but because I'm having a few emotional days (thanks period) he came out with that

OP posts:

HeadacheEarthquake · 03/07/2023 08:35

I'm not surprised you feel empty. What a devastating thing to say. I don't know how I could move past that, myself.

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 08:40

No, he's awful, hinting that he wants to marry someone else. As you say, you are getting help for your mental health problems, some of which actually arose through birthing HIS children (PND). The cheek of him. Living with you more or less as though you are married anyway. You deserve better.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 03/07/2023 08:41

Being with someone who uses your mental health as an excuse not to marry you is probably part of the reason why you are struggling. If he's not fully committed to love and care for you now, warts and all then I doubt he ever will be. Hearing this makes me so angry, a good man would be supporting you.

Hintofreality · 03/07/2023 08:42

Having children together is a far bigger commitment than marriage.

Dacadactyl · 03/07/2023 08:51

@Hintofreality having children together is a commitment to the child, not the other person.

poetryandwine · 03/07/2023 09:05

This must have been devastating to hear, OP, especially whilst suffering PND.

You definitely need to figure out whether you want to stay. I don’t think I would. Others would, and the right answer is personal. But telling him you are ‘questioning the relationship’ sounds a bit unfocused and weak. He may well try to out-talk you. As he doesn’t have PND, he may well succeed and you may just end up doubting yourself.

Instead it would help to focus on what yo do want. Marriage is a perfectly reasonable part of this. Other things include feelings of being loved and cherished, financial security, etc. How much aside from marriage does he provide? Do you have an MH professional who can help you with this?
Best wishes

HabberdasheryAddict · 03/07/2023 09:12

Hintofreality · 03/07/2023 08:42

Having children together is a far bigger commitment than marriage.

Goodness, no, it really isn't.

How often do we hear of women who have children with men they are not married to, scale back their careers or stop work altogether, often aren't even on the deeds of the house....... and end up getting ficked over when the father of said children decides to walk away and kick his precious family to the kerb.

Original poster

Lillabetty · 04/07/2023 12:50

So I haven't uttered a word to my partner since regarding the marriage comment (conversed with him regard House,kids that's pretty much it) I'm heart broken utterly miserable he's definitely broken something within me. I keep crying because this is more than likely going to break us up. I was crying in the bedroom this morning and he commented that I have nothing to be this upset about he then said another comment that he would like to get married to me one day but I ruin our progress towards marriage when I have a mental health episode (few times a year). I feel sick lost my appetite. I dont have anyone to turn to IRL so thank you for offering me a ear I very much appreciate it and don't feel so alone

OP posts:

poetryandwine · 04/07/2023 13:05

I think he is trying to control your behaviour with comments like this, OP. I am now convinced that that he is not a good person.

You may be home with the baby now and I recognise the PND, but what skills do you have or can you acquire? You say you have no one IRL and we will help, but what about a Health Visitor and/or MH professional? I would like to see you in a more supportive environment and to me that starts with binning someone trying to control you like this. Not necessarily in a rush but one step at a time as you grow stronger. And you can.

Original poster

Lillabetty · 04/07/2023 13:33

Im in talks with health visitor and gp theres no need to worry there. I dont want to burden people about my relationship problems. I told him that I think I need to reach out to him mum im not sure for what if im honest but since saying that he wants to know when and what I'm going to say to her, said that it will be a waste of time talking to him mum as she'll only speak good things about him.

I do work part time just currently on maternity leave will Start back early next month as funds are getting tight.

OP posts:

LifeExperience · 04/07/2023 13:39

He doesn't want to marry you and he's using your mental health as an excuse. Please get counseling. Not to keep him, because he's not worth it, but because you and your children are worth it.

poetryandwine · 04/07/2023 13:42

So glad you will be starting back to work! And that you have medical support. I understand not wanting o burden people as I am the same way. So Mumsnet is here for you.

Of course he wants to know what you will say to his mum. It is another way he is trying to control you. Please do not tell him! But I fear most mums will instinctively protect their children, even grown men behaving badly. Especially if she fears seeing less of her grandchildren following a breakup, as often happens. Do you truly think the conversation will have the outcome you hope for?

Hang in there and best wishes

Original poster

Lillabetty · 04/07/2023 16:39

In regards to counselling I have no idea where to look. I dont have alot of disposal income I don't drive. All the gp has offered me is group counselling and italk I've been on their waiting list for 3.5years. I would prefer to have face to face counselling apposed to online

OP posts:

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