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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know if AIBU or H

51 replies

ketchuppppper · 02/07/2023 10:56

I have posted before of course.

I'm under a lot of strain. 2 kids under 4. H is a chef and works 6 days a week from morning to night basically.

He's home 1 day a week only and for the last 2 months or so, he's started spending at least 3 hours doing the garden. Some days less, some days more.

He has no time for hobbies at all and I know he enjoys doing it. But it's really really starting to grate on me. If it's not the garden, it's another job that means I get left sitting in with the kids, while he does the recycling, tidied the garage, brings some stuff to the tip.

It's not like he's out drinking with his buddies and living the high life. But it's still always stuff that takes him away from us for a lot of his only day off. I do arrange for some of these things to be done at some point too, but when you have a house- you can always find stuff to do can't you !

Anyway I've asked him, please for one day not to do gardening and just spend time with us. I've asked him time and time again. Yet every weekend day that he has off, I'm left alone with kids again, while he goes off and does gardening.

I also work full time from home, I do everything else in the house. I also do everything for the kids- so getting them up, night waking, nursery pick ups and drop offs and also dinner and bath and putting them to bed etc. H doesn't see the kids, apart from 1 day a week. Occasionally if the older one is up later, he sees her for a bit then.

He can't do much more. He's physically exhausted and has literally no time off ( neither do I, but at least my work is not physically demanding ).

Am I unreasonable to be absolutely fuming at this he time he spends away from us on his one day off ? He's always walking off mid convo / always finds something else to do. I have to practically beg him to come back in or to do anything with us ( like going out for the day etc ). He says I give him an incredibly hard time and he's fed up with me.

OP posts:

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 10:58

Sounds rubbish. Can't the kids be out in the garden with him?

FiveShelties · 02/07/2023 10:59

Who would do the stuff he does on his day off if he dd not do it?

Doingmybest12 · 02/07/2023 11:00

Is this completely new, how is his general mood? It sounds very frustrating and hard for you but if this is a change of character I'd be worried about this from a MH point of view?

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 11:01

Also, what is it you would like you all to do instead?

mn29 · 02/07/2023 11:01

Could you do the gardening together, with kids playing in the garden at the same time? You get to all be together and gardening should not take as long with two people so more time left for other things you can do together.

PrueRamsay · 02/07/2023 11:02

Can you afford a gardener? How would he react if you said you had hired someone to do it so you could all do something together on his day off?

moyomoyo · 02/07/2023 11:03

Op I sympathise my husband is a chef and works the most insane hours. I really don't think people get it unless they or a loved one work in that industry. However as much as he needs some down time you also need a break and you're not being unreasonable. While your kids are young and demanding it's going to be tough. Can he limit his gardening time to an hour or something like that? Working 6 days a week every week also isn't sustainable with young kids maybe he can get a few extra days off? That industry work people to the bone and he will just have to push back against it at times like this and get some extra time for his family.

Aprilx · 02/07/2023 11:03

Gardens need working on. I think you are being unreasonable to be fuming at him doing chores on his one day off.

Harebrain · 02/07/2023 11:04

Is it the thing he does to de-stress? Can you send the children out to help him as others have suggested or make it a “family activity” so you all get involved? I don’t think it’s a case of anyone being unreasonable.

moyomoyo · 02/07/2023 11:04

To add this isn't about the need to do the gardening by sounds of things it's about him having down time to himself as his job is so relentless and sounds like that the time he's trying to crave out. My husband is the same.

JulieHoney · 02/07/2023 11:05

Spend time in the garden with him - it’s good for small children to pay outside, and it’s great he keeps the garden in good shape.

He has a demanding and stressful job. Gardening is proven to be fantastic for alleviating stress. It’s very sensible self-care.

By joining him you get time as a family, vitamin D, and stress relief for yourself as well.

It is also reasonable to ask him to take the children out for a bit or for you to head out somewhere and get a couple of hours to yourself.

Original poster

ketchuppppper · 02/07/2023 11:05

PrueRamsay · 02/07/2023 11:02

Can you afford a gardener? How would he react if you said you had hired someone to do it so you could all do something together on his day off?

We have a gardener ! He just wants to do more !

OP posts:

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 02/07/2023 11:05

Why do you have to be inside when he's gardening? Is wielding a chainsaw everywhere?
Get the kids out in the garden, "helping out".

How many are usually on here moaning that their DH doing nothing on their one day off? He's helping around the house.

Maybe book a day trip for one of his days off, then he'd be wasting money if he didn't come?

HashBrownandBeans · 02/07/2023 11:06

I think it’s good that he’s contributing to running the home on his very limited time off. Me and my DH both do long hours and our weekends are full of chores and tip runs. We just try and do it together if we can.

Original poster

ketchuppppper · 02/07/2023 11:07

The kids get in the way and I have to chase tnem around the whole garden to make sure they're not in the way. It's really stressful for them to be out there while he's using machinery in the garden.

OP posts:

BreviloquentBastard · 02/07/2023 11:07

Two of my closest friends are chefs so I do think I get it, it's one of the most stressful and demanding jobs out there. There's a reason alcohol and cocaine abuse is so rife amongst chefs, it's a brutal work environment. Neither of these friends have children or wives, they're both completely dedicated to their work and on their few days off they tend to just hibernate or do as little as humanly possible. I know doctors who work less.

So to an extent I do get wanting to just spend your one day of freedom relaxing and unwinding. But your husband chose to be both a chef and have a family, so he doesn't get to just not be a parent and husband because his job is hard. He needs to consider a career change if it's too hard for him to be present for his family AND do his job. Has he considered being a personal chef? Much more chill and pays very well once you get established.

skelter83 · 02/07/2023 11:07

This sounds very like my house a few years ago. Not much consolation now, but when the kids get slightly older they’ll be bothering him outside helping him with the garden and you can be sat inside not doing the childcare!

PomTiddlyPomPom · 02/07/2023 11:07

It's tricky, you both need a break but if he is having 3 hours to himself on his 1 day off I don't think I could begrudge him that.
If he isn't in the garden is he engaging with his children? Or is it more like he gardens for 3 hours but ignores you all for the rest of the day?

Original poster

ketchuppppper · 02/07/2023 11:09

PomTiddlyPomPom · 02/07/2023 11:07

And when do I get 3 hours to myself ?

OP posts:

SallyWD · 02/07/2023 11:10

When my kids were that age I got them to "help" me with the garden. DH would be at work so I had no choice to get them involved. They loved digging holes, pulling up weeds and watering plants.
Maybe you could have some time to yourself while DH and the children are in the garden. Or you all go outside and help or just play, read a book etc.
Can't you tell him you want quality time as a family so maybe he could garden from 9am to noon then you all go out together? Alternatively you all go out together earlier on and he does gardening in the evening? The days are so long at the moment I've been doing most of my gardening in the late afternoon/evening.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/07/2023 11:14

A job which takes you out of the house for six long days a week is unusual and not conducive to a happy family life. Does he have to do those hours?

If I were you I would not begrudge him those three hours of gardening - in a way it seems a very sensible way for him to decompress because his lifestyle is not sustainable and sounds extremely unhealthy.

However, I would suggest you then get your three hours to yourself. Go out somewhere.

You may say well where is our family time - well maybe for a couple of years there won't be much of it but things change over time so it may not always be like this. This is to get you through the here and now.

It's not his gardening which is causing this problem it's his job 😞.

Cinnamope · 02/07/2023 11:14

ketchuppppper · 02/07/2023 11:09

And when do I get 3 hours to myself ?

Show quote history

When the kids are in bed and he is still at work?

does he enjoy his work? Could he cut down his days a little to spend more time with you?

TeeBee · 02/07/2023 11:14

I'd be inclined to book tickets for days out so he feels compelled to come as it's paid for.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 02/07/2023 11:15

He needs time to destress. Maybe he enjoys it. can you get a cleaner etc to help with your chores?

RunnyPaint · 02/07/2023 11:15

I remember becoming resentful of DH when he spent every non-working hour renovating the house we had bought while I sat in the interim rented house with a toddler, so can empathise to that degree. It sounds like you have a planning and communication problem. You are both exhausted and stressed, but finding the time to plan your day in advance so that you both get some child-free time (even if you are simply doing chores in peace) may help. Good luck.

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