I really don't know if AIBU or H

[ketchuppppper]

I have posted before of course.

I'm under a lot of strain. 2 kids under 4. H is a chef and works 6 days a week from morning to night basically.

He's home 1 day a week only and for the last 2 months or so, he's started spending at least 3 hours doing the garden. Some days less, some days more.

He has no time for hobbies at all and I know he enjoys doing it. But it's really really starting to grate on me. If it's not the garden, it's another job that means I get left sitting in with the kids, while he does the recycling, tidied the garage, brings some stuff to the tip.

It's not like he's out drinking with his buddies and living the high life. But it's still always stuff that takes him away from us for a lot of his only day off. I do arrange for some of these things to be done at some point too, but when you have a house- you can always find stuff to do can't you !

Anyway I've asked him, please for one day not to do gardening and just spend time with us. I've asked him time and time again. Yet every weekend day that he has off, I'm left alone with kids again, while he goes off and does gardening.

I also work full time from home, I do everything else in the house. I also do everything for the kids- so getting them up, night waking, nursery pick ups and drop offs and also dinner and bath and putting them to bed etc. H doesn't see the kids, apart from 1 day a week. Occasionally if the older one is up later, he sees her for a bit then.

He can't do much more. He's physically exhausted and has literally no time off ( neither do I, but at least my work is not physically demanding ).

Am I unreasonable to be absolutely fuming at this he time he spends away from us on his one day off ? He's always walking off mid convo / always finds something else to do. I have to practically beg him to come back in or to do anything with us ( like going out for the day etc ). He says I give him an incredibly hard time and he's fed up with me.

He is opting out of parenting and doing the stuff he isnt interested in.

@Cinnamope not really. When the kids go to bed he comes home and when the kids go to sleep I'm still responsible for them when they wake up. Which they do. Because one is a baby.

Do you work? Can you outsource more stuff to free up time for both of you?

Would it help you if you hired a teen over the summer to help with the kids for a few hours on the Saturday? Your situation sounds really demanding.

Can he cut his days down? 6 days a week in a demanding job is a lot.

So if that’s honestly the problem that he has three hours doing chores and you don’t then just spend three hours doing chores

Of course you can find the time.

If you have under 4s
And he works late
I would think they'd be in bed before he gets in...?

They go to bed at 8ish and he gets in at 8:30.

If you have a gardener what is your DH doing that requires machinery? Does your gardener not do the lawn?

Can you sit your husband down for a proper chat?

How much does he do with the DC?

He's a chef it doesn't work like that.

Not all chefs work 6 days a week

Why are there so many threads full of posters falling over themselves defending shitty male actions, lately? See also the thief stepfather thread, where he shovels his family’s food, treats and gifts into his gob then lies about it…

This OP works full time. She also does everything else. All the time. Seven days a week.

He needs to start engaging with his family.

Calm down! If you read my post I did say you both need a break, unfortunately I am not privy to your schedule so I don't know where you could fit in a three hour break 🤷‍♀️
If he is working so much I assume it is to provide a decent lifestyle for your family?
I did also say I wouldn't begrudge him 3 hours on his day off, I can't see if you have answered my question about him being an engaged father for the remainder of his day off.

He sees his children 1 day a week. 1 day a week. OP works and does EVERYTHING else. Why is our bar so low for fathers? A decent man would want to spend that 1 day a week with the children he doesn't see for the other 6. I'm assuming he only has himself to worry about. OP has herself and the kids, the house and her job. Something needs to give OP. See if you can get someone in to sort the garden to free up his time to spend with his children. That he sees 1 day a week.

I don't mind if he does it some weeks - and 3 hours is the minimum by the way. It's just frustrating because I've begged him to leave it and he knows after a long week for me, I don't just want to be left on my own with both kids yet again.

It's been a tough week, I've been working and being kept up by my baby and again I'm the one up with the kids in the morning while he has a lie in. Then just goes outside for hours.

Yes, that's not ideal. I think he does need some down time abd maybe gardening is how he relaxes - but you need downtime too!

These people on here have totally missed the point, nevermind that you do absolutely everything for everyone whilst holding down your own job whilst H goes to work and enjoys EVERYTHING else being done for him. No he deserves to "decompress" on his only day off whilst you continue to do everything for everyone on YOUR day off. It should be a day off for both of you, so you can both look after the children, spend some family time together. Some of the replies on here are quite spiteful and seem to be engineered to wind you up deliberately. How about next time you are both at home say you'll do the gardening whilst he watches the children and makes lunch....you'll have a ham sandwich around one. Or go catch up on some ironing whilst he plays with the kids, you know so you can "decompress" after all the ironing bucket needs working on too!! Or take the children to the park for an hour together and he can tidy the garage when they're settled down for a nap? He needs reminding that they're his children too and that it's your only day off as well. You need to have a talk before the resentment set in because it feels like he's deliberately avoiding you and your children I say this become he spends six days away from them and on his only day off he chooses to do something else that doesn't involve them....or you.

You said he has no hobbies but........ surely gardening is his hobby. 3 hours of digging, pottering about in the garden, tidying up the garage etc Sounds like he really enjoys that. Id let him be.
As long as he spends the rest of his day off with you I think its reasonable that he has some time to himself also. Plus your garden presumably looks fabulous.

Does he actively help you the rest of that day? Doesn’t sound like it. We are both full time and that means we both have to spend evenings doing parenting and house stuff, but of course this one is too tired for any of that. If you left, you wouldn’t have his income. Is that just about the only difference though? Oh yes, nobody would spend a few hours working in the garden. Which obviously doesn’t happen at our house since we are too busy parenting etc, and we have survived. I think you’d survive the loss of your additional gardening. What about the Income bit? Is that the only reason to keep him around?

There are some people who find gardening intensely relaxing. It enriches their spirits. If this is his only downtime let him have that.

My whole career until the last two years was in hospitality so I have worked with many many chefs over the years. I would say that the vast majority have been single. It isnt a life that works with family life or LTR. Girlfriends havent lasted long and the only ones I know who have been married have either been divorced or the marriages are in name only.

Its one of those jobs where there is no such thing as a work/life balance, its one or the other.

I am afraid that this is unlikely to change unless he changes career and sadly this kind of job is addictive (I was in pub/restaurant management and it can be like that too, you are always at work even when you are not). Its only since I was forced to change sectors that I can see just how horrible and unhealthy a life it is. I would never advise anyone to train as a chef, not least because young people who do, do it because they love cooking and ironically proper cooking is not something you do as a chef! But mainly because you are signing up a life where the only friends you have are the people you work with and the only life you hae is in the kitchen. Secondly, I would never advise anyone to date a chef.

Even if you split up, you will still be doing it all as he will almost never see the kids so you wont get any down time that way either. So be single but married. Look after you and the kids, let him look after himself. you are doing his head in? Fine. Stop doing that, but stop doing everything else for him too. You down time is every single second you dont spend doing his washing, clearing up after him and facilitating him.

And what if the OP, who's working week is longer than his if you take into account everything she does (alone) at home, needs downtime? When does she get that?

So he gets an afternoon in the garden enriching his spirit at the expense of the OP's spirit getting crushed blade of grass by blade of grass.

He's a useless dad. Unfortunately, people don't change though. I'd book a babysitter at the weekends so you can have some down-time too.

I've started doing my own thing with the kids out of the house every weekend now, because it was just getting too frustrating. Is it fair ? Probably not. Do I feel better ? Yes.

So now, usually he gets to lie in and I take the kids out until around 1-2 pm. Sometimes when we come back he hasn't even started the lawn... he's just been chilling.

Last week I came back and the kitchen was still a mess form breakfast, the lawn hadn't been done and he was still in his pjs at 2 pm.

So of course as soon as we got back, he needed to start the lawn immediately. Leaving me to look after the kids, clean up the house and make lunch.

It was pretty rubbish. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day. I am done fighting and arguing and being called ridiculous by him.