To be upset at lack of weekend help with SEN child

[Crochetowl]

I think I mostly need a rant.

I have 2 children, DS 6yo and DD 3yo. My husband works nights Fri, Sat and Sun. My son has severe learning disabilities with challenging behaviour. He is nearly 7 but developmentally he's 18-36 months.

This means that at the weekend, we are effectively trapped at home. I cannot safely leave the house with both of them. When I go out with someone else, my son needs reins and an adapted buggy. Even if I only had DS that would be challenging because he often needs physically holding; his behaviour and needs are very similar to Rosie from There She Goes for reference. With my threenager it's just unsafe.

DH likes his job, and if he changes jobs or his weekend shifts there will be a pay cut. But he works every single weekend, meaning we cannot ever go out as a family and I'm trapped at home - unless I ask FIL and MIL for help.

Leads me to the next problem: MIL and FIL are my only alternative childcare or adults who can help me get out of the house, or they will have my kids for a few hours so I can sleep. But now it's the summer. Out of the last 8 weeks, they've been away for 5. I know rationally that they're more than entitled to be enjoying themselves, but I've had a good cry today already as I have no respite. My son is frequently awake all night. He is in nappies. This weekend he's refused to wear them so I'm constantly cleaning up bodily fluids. They're amazing when they are here, but I dread the summer as it means a long stretch of no help. I don't expect them to help every weekend but I'm now on my 4th consecutive weekend stuck in.

We have a social worker who will hopefully help me to access a PA but that is not guaranteed. I just feel very abandoned. In laws keep telling me about the great weekend they've had again and all I can think about is "good for you, but you've left me to struggle".

AIBU to tell DH or inlaws that something has to give?

I know and all.the just drop.your child at social services and tell them you can't cope replies !
Loads of families with severely disabled children are at breaking point imagine if we all tried blackmailing social services!
I know people mean well but most have absolutely no.idea!

I do know a lot about how it works. Read the beginning again. I have multiple severely disabled family members and I know that while they were coping and muddling through they got fuck all help. When they presented to a GP or social worker threatening to end their lives, abandon the child or revealed the risk that was being caused for younger siblings the sw’s somehow managed to find space for them at these centres. It’s like social housing, there is far more demand than supply so only those who shout the loudest or present as the most urgent get a look in. The places exist because my aunt and two nephews got places. They only did after their primary carers pushed relentlessly or became seriously unwell themselves though.

As much as I sympathise to a point OP there are certain fundamental issues from your posts

I read your opening post expecting to hear that you were sole carer 24/7 for your children....but that is not the case is it? You work, your child is at school all week, you have 2 days to your self and therefore only have them for an extended period of time over the weekend

• your ILs are right - they are your children not theirs. With one still working it's not up to them to give you any respite

So in answer to your original question - yes you would be unreasonable to say to your ILs that something has to give. You and your children are not their responsibility or focus on life. They are yours. So you need to discuss with your DH.

Op, I'm really sorry that you've taken such a bashing in this thread. I work with children who have needs less extreme than your DS's and admire any parent who copes with those needs on their own.

Couple of questions/suggestions:

• Have you talked to his school about your difficulties at weekends? Due to the terrible state of children's social care, many schools have Family Support or Pastoral staff who may be able to point you in the direction of additional support.

• Have you requested a personal budget as part of his EHCP? It is very real risk that you will have a breakdown without additional support at weekends which could result in social care needing to step in. Personal Budgets are designed to support families with their children's care needs. Perhaps you could apply for a budget to fund some additional support at the weekends, even if it was just once a month or fortnight.

• Have you contacted local colleges who do care or childcare courses? Students are often seeking placements and could benefit from being placed with your family for a number of hours over the year.

• The Family Fund gave grant funding available to families with children who have a disability which you may be able to use to fund additional support int he short term.

Don't be afraid to be explicit with your social worker about how you are coping. Sometimes you have to break before they will step in and support.

He does 36 hours over Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I do 24 hours during the week.

And many people are not coping and still.get no.help.,social.services can't give you services that don't exist
My son has a social worker he had complex needs and severe disabilities
They have agreed respite but we
Can't access it as there is no.staff
And residential schools are a whole different ball.game ,and really bloody difficult to.get.

You obviously have a DH problem.
Everything else is a red herring.
You have two children, one with additional needs and the other only 3, so in combination that's extremely hard work.
Weekends (and presumably school holidays?) are the toughest time because there's no school or preschool.
Frankly, you need 2 parents at weekends. Perhaps if he worked 1 weekend out of 4, it would be manageable, but he needs to be around to parent most weekends.
This is his problem as much as yours; he is their parent too.
i can't believe you found another job for him and he still wasn't interested.
he listens to his sister more than to you.
I would be furious; aren't you?
Surely the resentment must poison any love or attraction you feel towards him?

In that case why not swap for a bit. You do weekend shifts all weekend every weekend. He can work a couple of weekday shifts and do solo childcare all weekend. See how he likes that... he might be more keen to change jobs then.

So why doesn't he clean the house, at least?
if he spent a day cleaning the house he'd still have 3 days off.
You would have 3 days off, too. Although it would still be unfair because you do all the parenting at weekends.

He needs to change his work to be mon - Fri. This isn't working for your family. And if he has 4 days off during the week when your kids are at school, why do you spend an entire day cleaning?

Can you take on an additional day so you work 3 days during the week?

I get you! Nothing about having special needs kids is fair. Don't take any notice of the haters with NT kids, they really have no idea. I also get the resentment towards your in laws but i think its really because you feel frustrated and trapped by the whole situation.

You really need to fight for more support as he will only get bigger and stronger in time and your in laws will get older. 💐

Some of the posts on here towards you is shocking @Crochetowl
Women kicking another when she’s down, how big of them. Those posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Yes you have school time free a few days getting works done and some downtime for you. However, you know what’s coming in the door at home time and that can’t be easy.
I think your DH is reluctant to change his work days as he knows that it’s full on with his son and he prefers to back out and work leaving it all on you.
He should be ashamed of himself doing this to you.

Would you leave him to do a few evenings after school and take your self off with your daughter for a few hours, have tea just spend time with her.

I wish you all the best hope something can be done to make your life easier.

The message from the poster in the quote is very very kindly... my husband has a grandson who is severely autistic, non verbal and is approaching ten years old. We do try to help BUT as in-laws we are severely limited. My husband is frail and extremely medically complex at age 75 and myself at 55 has had major heart surgery which has left me with one or two problems... we try our best to help but physically it does take it out of us.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just empathy. I have no idea why some people can't see what the difficulty is here. It is unfair on you, and the children, that you are having to spend weekends cooped up at home.

Does your husband help with the children after school during the week, so your daughter at least gets some 1:1 attention then?

I just can't imagine cramming hours into the weekend and leaving the person I love to struggle so that I sont have to, and then chilling out the rest of the week while the kids are at school. It would be a no brainer to me to change shifts/jobs.

*He gets 4 days a week at home to relax when the kids are at school.

I get 2 plus the slog of the weekend. My mental health seems to come last, even in your post.

I've had to give up my career as an English teacher. I don't think I'm asking a lot for him to change his shifts even if he stays in the same job.*

OP, I hear you, you must be completely exhausted. You are 100% right. You're husband is making excuse after excuse to hide the truth. He wants to have the school hours all to himself and then work the weekend and basically avoid parental responsibility altogether, leaving you to raise his children. It's not on! He doesn't like change? Is he kidding? How about you don't like being stuck in every weekend at breaking point?? He absolutely needs to change his working days to during the week and help out at the weekend. Honestly you could even still try ask for extra paid help during the weekend on top of that too.

Your currently situation is extremely unfair and you husband is selfish imo.

THIS is fair -
You work 2 days midweek plus your cleaning day (still work to maintain his home) (or work an extra day to make up for shortfall of not getting weekend pay and hire a cleaner)
He works 3 days midweek
The weekends are shared team work with perhaps some paid help on top if possible or help from IL when they can.

In this situation you both get 2 school day hours each to yourself in a school week for a break. In the holiday you share midweek care so you're not totally burnt out. The weekends you both work as a team to care for your children. You can get out more and you are no longer at breaking point.

I honestly see no other way and I'm sorry that it's taking so much of the little effort you have left to get your husband to see this.

Sending love to you, I hope he changes his shifts soon. In the short term can he take some annual leave?

How much extra is the weekend work

@Crochetowl
What was the reason initially that your husband chose this job ? If he were writing this post, how would he represent your situation?

Was the job that "you found" for him a certain offer or just an opportunity for which he could apply? Is the family reliant on the benefits that would have been lost in the job change?

Perhaps, if the 2 of you sit together and both answer those questions, you might have a better understanding of each other's outlook on this situation.

The truth is that you are both in a situation for which there are no easy answers and even fewer solutions. We often say to our children that life isn't fair In some distorted thought process , your husband may feel that his parents are stepping in to fill in for him, and they too may feel that they are carrying his share of the load. If they were to stop providing assistance, that would surely have a negative impact on your current situation.

Maybe, it would be helpful if you and your husband could sit down with a counselor or mediator to discuss this situation and help the 2 of you to both hear each other's perspective and to help you sketch out a schedule that leaves you both feeling heard and supported.

Relief for you will come in small steps and that may be hard to accept , but that is likely to be your long term reality. At this point , your anger is directed towards your husband, and that in part may be valid , but if he were telling the story it might have an entirely different slant. The objective truth would likely fall somewhere in the middle.

If you can't change or fix your son, the next step might be to try and fix your approach and management styles . That can only be effective if the 2 of you have some open and perhaps guided communication. At this point , you resent him for not making the sacrifices and accommodations that you have made, and he may very well feel that he has made similar accommodations and brought in more external support (his parents) than you have.

This won't get better until it ceases to be a competition as to who has done and sacrificed more and becomes more of a what can we do together to make this work.

@Nordicrain they aren’t just @Crochetowl children, they are also their son’s children. If my sons wife were on the phone to me crying that they couldn’t cope, while my son was choosing to work all weekend and avoiding parenting, I would be furious, and ashamed of him… I wouldn’t be rushing to point out its not my responsibility! They are their own flesh and blood.

The op has said she knows they don’t have to help, but when you are on your knees and desperate it is understandable to feel upset/resentful/angry occasionally.

@Crochetowl im sorry you have had so much shit on here. Your husband should absolutely change his bloody shifts and take on equal responsibility for parenting your children.

I have a disabled child and it’s a never ending slog- people who haven’t done it don’t get it.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time OP, both in life and on here. There are many posters (including myself) who do get it.

With the long summer holidays approaching I would leave shift patterns as they are, as he will be around during the week. Assuming you will still be working your 2 days, he will have the kids alone for 2 days during the 6 weeks. When he has experienced this for a few weeks it might be a good time to then discuss shifts going forwards.

I can completely understand your feelings towards your in laws. They are being helpful but insensitive at the same time.

Big hugs to you. As much as you may feel it, you are not alone

Did they mean yours and in OPs? Or as in OP and her DH's? Because I read the latter - they said they are your children, not ours. Not they are your children not DH's? If the former that's a pretty massive drip feed. The second, depending on context etc, while not kind as such, may be fair enough if they feel hugely put upon.

And this:

The op has said she knows they don’t have to help, but when you are on your knees and desperate it is understandable to feel upset/resentful/angry occasionally.

is no contrary to what I have said at all. I have just pointed out that being angry at her in laws is misdirected and counterproductive. At worst it will push them even further away. Afterall, the OP asked for opinions on whether she was beign unreasonable being angry at her in laws.

It’s not a drip feed. Fgs

Of course it is. First it's AIBU to be angry at the in laws because they won't help more and go away on weekends away. Next it's they are also saying the children are OP's sole responsibility (and not their son's).

Anyway, it's a bit of a moot point. It sounds like tensions are running high all around, and like things have got to change. I hope OP and her DH can work something out that works better for them all.

The point is they are telling OP they are 'your' children and that also their son's working hours are good - so they're basically telling OP it's her problem. They expect OP to suck it up, not for their son to take any action to give OP respite on the weekends.

These people aren't the cuddly, lovely people you are painting them as.

I am not painting them as anything. I said it sounds like maybe they feel like the responsibility is too much for them.

Hi OP, The situation where your DH works while your children are at home and is off while they are in school is working perfectly for him but NOT for you and thats not a bad thing. From your children's perspective when does he get to see them, look after them and do the hard bits of parenting at the weekend? No, that's all on you and that's really really unfair on everyone (but especially you). You mentioned that if your husband gave up the weekend work then you would financially would miss out. If you can afford it I would shout from the hill tops that your mental health is infinitely more important than extra cash. You are working 12 hours less paid work than your husband but all the weekend work. Thats not fair and not balanced. You have a husband problem and not an In laws problem. I would have more than a rant, i would be making it change.