To be upset at lack of weekend help with SEN child

[Crochetowl]

I think I mostly need a rant.

I have 2 children, DS 6yo and DD 3yo. My husband works nights Fri, Sat and Sun. My son has severe learning disabilities with challenging behaviour. He is nearly 7 but developmentally he's 18-36 months.

This means that at the weekend, we are effectively trapped at home. I cannot safely leave the house with both of them. When I go out with someone else, my son needs reins and an adapted buggy. Even if I only had DS that would be challenging because he often needs physically holding; his behaviour and needs are very similar to Rosie from There She Goes for reference. With my threenager it's just unsafe.

DH likes his job, and if he changes jobs or his weekend shifts there will be a pay cut. But he works every single weekend, meaning we cannot ever go out as a family and I'm trapped at home - unless I ask FIL and MIL for help.

Leads me to the next problem: MIL and FIL are my only alternative childcare or adults who can help me get out of the house, or they will have my kids for a few hours so I can sleep. But now it's the summer. Out of the last 8 weeks, they've been away for 5. I know rationally that they're more than entitled to be enjoying themselves, but I've had a good cry today already as I have no respite. My son is frequently awake all night. He is in nappies. This weekend he's refused to wear them so I'm constantly cleaning up bodily fluids. They're amazing when they are here, but I dread the summer as it means a long stretch of no help. I don't expect them to help every weekend but I'm now on my 4th consecutive weekend stuck in.

We have a social worker who will hopefully help me to access a PA but that is not guaranteed. I just feel very abandoned. In laws keep telling me about the great weekend they've had again and all I can think about is "good for you, but you've left me to struggle".

AIBU to tell DH or inlaws that something has to give?

So while you were bawling your eyes out, they didn’t get the impression anyone expected them to have the kids and just came out with ‘the kids are your responsibility it ours’ completely out of context.

Look I didn’t post that to upset you, but to show you that the problem is your husband. It is quite obvious if they have said those words, they felt you or your husband felt responsibility was being pushed to them.

Your husband seems to think it’s ok to push his part of the responsibility to his parents and I think you are that desperate for help that you are pushing it that way without realising. Because you are resigned to the fact that your husband won’t help you and is putting himself first. No one said you did it on purpose or you mean to push it to them. But again it’s obvious they are telling you they can’t provide the support you want them to.

and trust me, I know it’s easier to blame others rather than your partner. Because blaming them may lead to even more problems.

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation, you have my sympathy OP. I don't think your DH can stay in this job though. If you can afford the pay cut, he's going to have to find a job that's suitable for his family situation. It's shit if it's a job he likes, but sometimes our only choice is between something shit or shitter. Your current situation is shitter, so he needs to change his job.

I can. I to me it sounded like they feel put upon and can't cope. Not that they are purposely and smugly showing off about their holidays and colding telling OP that it's not their kids while she is crying in a corne. It sounds like it's hard for everyone and my original comment was that OP is directing her (understandable) anger at the situation at her ILs. Which imo is unfair, and misdirected. If anyone is responsible it's her DH.

Taking your DS for two hours on a weekend is great. I know from experience that caring for children with complex needs is really hard However you have 3 days each week to yourself, your DS has specialist education, your family do help out when they can. You need to talk to your husband who seems to have other work options so that you can share the load better. It is hard, very hard..you mentioned 'There she goes' that programme really resonated with me - but rather than raging at people offering a different view point you should look at how you can make things better for all of you.

They’re telling OP about their weekends whilst knowing she has been trapped at home. That’s thoughtless at best.

And instead of acknowledging what we as strangers can see (that DH needs a different job/ working hours), they’re telling OP they’re her kids and that DH’s working hours are good.

These people are not on OP’s side, they are on their son’s side, and just like him, they see childcare as OP’s problem.

I feel for you and you know you are being unfair to in laws and having a rent on here - which is fine

Can dh not work a Fri or sat night and do a weekday night that you
Aren't working daytime

Or up your days to 3 so he can cut down

How much more is he being paid for weekend work

Or if he works those 3 nights to then come home and sleep for 6/8hrs and be up for early afternoon and do something as a family ?

Can you pay for help at weekends to go out ?

Have you asked your sons school. My son is at specialist and I know there are staff members who work there who will look after children as respite at weekend and holidays so they can make some extra money. I had no idea about it until someone mentioned it whose child had been there longer. It has also got the added benefit that it’s people who understand special needs and are someone familiar to child.
I think it is so hard when you have a child who needs extra care as finding outside care is much more difficult. Holiday clubs and outside childcare is more difficult to obtain and friends and family are not confident enough to offer in many cases. I know my son apart from school is with me and/or husband. I’m lucky as husband is off at weekends and can help in holidays. I think maybe you need to sit down with your husband to talk about what works for your family so you don’t burn yourself out.

OP what you are going through sounds incredibly hard and draining. You in-laws are thoughtless to go on to you about their abundant time away… but your real problem is your husband. He needs to step up. Are you worried if you push him to step up that he will leave? I would be insisting he changes his job.

^^ it would make more sense for you both to be working in the week where you can and then working together as a team on the weekends.

You need a break

@Crochetowl massive squishes. The factor here is your DH. So he has MH issues - so do you (sounds like burn out is fast approaching. X) but what is he actually doing to change this. What is he proactively doing to get better so he can better support his family and his wife who is drowning in being the lead on all of this? Is he just coasting along and shrugging when being asked to step up and going ‘but my mental health…’. Nah. He needs to see someone and work on this and step up. He’ll have to if you have a nervous breakdown at this rate. :/

I thought this. The old ‘we need the money’ when really he just wants to escape a solid 2 days of looking after a disabled child. He needs a new job.

Sometimes that’s not always possible, bills have to be paid. He might be avoiding parenting or might be trying to provide for his family.

He's clearly avoiding parenting.

OP has already said I've found him employment that pays more but it doesn't have as many benefits - still isn't keen. and He works shifts so if he stopped the weekends it would be 3 nights in the week. That is an option.

At the moment he barely sees his children, just a few hours each evening after school, which apparently he finds hard. He's a selfish man who knows how difficult OP finds the weekends. He could change shifts or change jobs, but he doesn't want to do this as then he would have to parent his children.

Just read the more recent posts. 2 days a week to yourself with kids in school (plus one more for housework) does put things in a different light, if you don’t have 2 full time salaries coming in I can see why he takes on some extra, although I suspect the fact it means he doesn’t have to spend any more than a couple of hours a night with DS is probably a bonus for him. However equally it means he doesn’t get any down time or days to himself - unlike you. So I don’t think either of you are wrong necessarily.

Still eye rolling at the posters who flew into a rage even though you made it very clear you know you’re being unreasonable with your (very human) feelings about your PILs.

@Crochetowl
The only words that your in laws should ever hear from you are "thank you.". It seems that all of you have challenges. Certainly, your in-laws probably never expected to have to become regular respite care providers. It seems as though your husband has a work schedule that provides benefits necessary for hour family. Why can't you take time for yourself when he is not working? Obviously, providing income for the family is at least as important as getting out on weekends.
Is
Unfortunately, if seems as though everyone in your support system is giving all that they have to give. This may just be a case where you have the best possible utilization of your existing support system.

Sometimes, life just does not offer good solutions for
some situations. I would imagine that you have exhausted all possible social service agencies with requests for weekend respite care.

Wishing you strength to manage which you cannot change.

Could he drop one of the weekend days, and then alternate them so 1 week you get the day to yourself and the other you do something as a family?
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where there was no family time. And it doesn't sound as though he makes time for that through the week.
I agree with others in that it's a discussion for you and your dh, he is the kids dad, not his parents. But I also think they are being quite insensitive with some of their comments. Does your dh actually understand how tough it is for you? Only I wonder if he doesn't and therefore may minimise the situation when talking to them? Or doesn't tell them so he doesn't have to justify why he isn't doing more.
Caring for disabled children is full on and exhausting.

If dh only works weekends does that mean during the school holidays on the days you don’t work he is actively parenting and during the two days you do work he does the full care? Also he only works nights so he is there some of the daytime over the weekends.

If so, if he was to switch to mon-fri surely you would struggle hugely with childcare during the holidays as sen childcare is like rocking horse shit most of the time let alone school holidays.

Dh should be pulling his weight but ultimately the majority of weekends you tend to get help apart from when the in-laws holiday during summer months.

I also hate to be that person race to the bottom blah blah blah. But if you separated I doubt the in-laws would help at all tbh and he would continue to work weekends because he can. So the best answer is to find a system that works for you and your child obviously that means not relying on these people because they just don’t get it.

THIS

He's not taking on extra. He only works at the weekend.* *

Sorry your posts didn’t really spell this out and extra detail keeps being added. So he only works weekends, and you only 2 days a week?!

Im.sure you mean well.but you don't have any idea idea of how it works
There are thousands of families across the UK wgo.are struggling with children with complex need,s and disabilities
Its not simply a case if asking for respite and getting it, or a child being given a place at a residential.school.it doesn't work that way
These type of threads really frustrate me be cause they are always full.of well meaning posters who.assume there must be loads I'd lovely respite places available and lots of residential schools that you can just.book your child into.
In theory my son is supposed two.get two nights a month respite ,it wss agreed before Xmas ,we haven't never been to.visit yet as they are recruiting staff which understandably takes an age
He's also at the top.of the list because his brother was critically ill in February in intensive care
And we haven't heard a dicky bird from.them yet.

It happens on every thread @x2boys and it is so frustrating. It’s like some people think there is all this support, okay you have to ask for it but it is there … NO, it isn’t!

I think if everyone is really, really honest the vast majority of reasons anyone has children are pretty selfish: they're a bit lonely, to seek validation, it's the done thing, to cement a marriage / partnership, someone to talk to in old age... so I wish everyone would stop judging, I'm sure the OP didn't mean she birthed a child specifically to be an unpaid carer for her firstborn.

On a practical note OP, I have 2 DC with very similar needs to yours - can you drive with them safely? There's a few secure SEN playgrounds for families like ours dotted around the country. Also, look into short breaks as PP suggested.

Unfortunately as they get older you tend to find your life gets smaller and smaller 😕

Sorry for all the shit responses you've had op. Some of them are ignorant but well meant, many of them are just ignorant. I'm sorry.

Your life sounds very stressful. I've got nothing helpful to suggest. My neighbour is entitled to 1 overnight respite a week for her dd. She's been able to access 2 in the past year, demand is just so high and competent carers in such short supply.

Have you got arrangements in place for the holidays? Any respite then, or does ds go to school all summer?