Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be upset at lack of weekend help with SEN child

278 replies

Crochetowl · 02/07/2023 09:41

I think I mostly need a rant.

I have 2 children, DS 6yo and DD 3yo. My husband works nights Fri, Sat and Sun. My son has severe learning disabilities with challenging behaviour. He is nearly 7 but developmentally he's 18-36 months.

This means that at the weekend, we are effectively trapped at home. I cannot safely leave the house with both of them. When I go out with someone else, my son needs reins and an adapted buggy. Even if I only had DS that would be challenging because he often needs physically holding; his behaviour and needs are very similar to Rosie from There She Goes for reference. With my threenager it's just unsafe.

DH likes his job, and if he changes jobs or his weekend shifts there will be a pay cut. But he works every single weekend, meaning we cannot ever go out as a family and I'm trapped at home - unless I ask FIL and MIL for help.

Leads me to the next problem: MIL and FIL are my only alternative childcare or adults who can help me get out of the house, or they will have my kids for a few hours so I can sleep. But now it's the summer. Out of the last 8 weeks, they've been away for 5. I know rationally that they're more than entitled to be enjoying themselves, but I've had a good cry today already as I have no respite. My son is frequently awake all night. He is in nappies. This weekend he's refused to wear them so I'm constantly cleaning up bodily fluids. They're amazing when they are here, but I dread the summer as it means a long stretch of no help. I don't expect them to help every weekend but I'm now on my 4th consecutive weekend stuck in.

We have a social worker who will hopefully help me to access a PA but that is not guaranteed. I just feel very abandoned. In laws keep telling me about the great weekend they've had again and all I can think about is "good for you, but you've left me to struggle".

AIBU to tell DH or inlaws that something has to give?

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 02/07/2023 09:45

you need to speak to your DH, i dont think you can demand anything from your in laws

ClymYeobright · 02/07/2023 09:50

It’s not your ILs’ job to offer regular weekend respite — you need to work out a fairer arrangement with your DH. If his job requires continual weekend work, and this can’t be changed, he’s going to have to find a new job. You are clearly on your knees.

ProfessorXtra · 02/07/2023 09:50

I think your dh needs to look for a more suitable job if this is really impacting you.

Your in laws do help you, but they also have their own lives as well:

I get you are just ranting but insisting your and your dh couldn’t possibly change anything while wanting them to go away less so they can help you more isn’t really a long term plan that’s going to help you.

OutDamnedSpot · 02/07/2023 09:51

You need a break. Tell DH how you’re feeling and the impact that a lack of respite js having on you and make a plan together. For example, could he work 3 weekends out of 4 and you get one full day to yourself and one family day on the 4th? Or is he able to give you a break during the week so that you feel refreshed for the weekend?

It sounds like you also need ‘a village’. Is there a local FB group for parents with children with SEN near you? Near us there are several groups that arrange weekend get togethers so that there are more adults with ‘eyes on’. Or is there a local teenager (friend’s child?) who could come on afternoons out with you to focus on your DD while you concentrate on DS?

Marblessolveeverything · 02/07/2023 09:52

Does the weekend working mean he covers all week ? Just wondering if it is the lessor of two challenges?

Is access to supports available in the weekend?

Sorry you are feeling trapped. I know here in Ireland respite is rare, is there any near you?

Whinge · 02/07/2023 09:53

You need to take the inlaws out of the equation, they don't need to offer childcare and shouldn't be expected to. Your DH's job is the reason you're struggling, and he either needs to change his shifts or change jobs.

cheezncrackers · 02/07/2023 09:54

I know how frustrated and fed up you are, but your DS isn't your ILs DC. They raised their DC and are entitled to do as they wish with their time and any help they provide to you is a bonus. Your DH is the one who needs to step up and help you to raise and care for his DC. Working every weekend doesn't work for your family, so he needs to adjust that so he's not working every weekend. It is not your ILs job to take his place.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/07/2023 09:56

Do you both get a break in the week?

It sounds pretty relentless but if it's his job and it pays the bills it might not be as easy as changing his shifts or getting another job.
I would push for a PA. Or work when he's off to help fund some help. I do feel for you,

ProfessorXtra · 02/07/2023 09:59

I just feel very abandoned. In laws keep telling me about the great weekend they've had again and all I can think about is "good for you, but you've left me to struggle".

It’s so hard because you sound so down. But this mindset needs to change. Your in laws and haven’t abandoned you or ‘left you to struggle’. They are living their lives.

By positioning it that they have left you or abandoned you, is taking a position that they have an obligation to be there to tale some of the load. And that’s unfair on them and it’s not helping you.

Original poster
Crochetowl · 02/07/2023 09:59

I'm not insisting that we cannot change anything? DH is contracted to work only weekends. I have asked him a few times now and he said OK, but he hates change. He says he feels guilty but financially we need the money. I've found him employment that pays more but it doesn't have as many benefits - still isn't keen. It feels like an emergency for me. SIL told him and me that it's better for our family for him to have fixed shifts which is madness and unhelpful.

I don't know anyone who could have DS.

Local village; I do know other SEN parents I keep in contact with, but my son does need 1 strong adult or 2 adults just for him. Most will have their own challenging kids. But I will look out for some.

He works shifts so if he stopped the weekends it would be 3 nights in the week. That is an option. I work 2 days during the week.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 02/07/2023 10:00

Stop blaming the inlaws first off

CheshireCats · 02/07/2023 10:01

DH needs to change his job. You need to make it clear to him that this is what needs to happen.
This is not your in laws fault. They do help but understandably have a life of their own. They have done their own child rearing already.

Createausername1970 · 02/07/2023 10:01

Definitely speak to DH. First, find out if he could take some annual leave soon. It's not a long term solution, but it's the most obviously short term one to giving you a break for one weekend.

Also ask him if he would have a word with his parents as well. Even if they just did a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon once a fortnight, it would give you a break to have a bath, or a wander round the shops, or a peaceful snooze in a cinema. Whatever.

If DH changing jobs would mean less money, then could he stay where he is and you put some of what you might otherwise lose towards a PA for a few hours each weekend?

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 10:02

Your life sounds really tough. But this is not your ILs fault or responsibility. They are of course allowed to have weekends away, or weekends doing anything they like. You need to talk to your DH - the father of your children who actually has responisbility for them - rather than focusing your anger on your ILs who, it sounds like, have gone above and beyond to help you out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 10:02

What hours do you want him to work? If he’s around all week isn’t that better than just weekends? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood.

Is your younger child in childcare?

It sounds like your in laws do what they can, it’s not fair to resent them having their lives as well.

ChrisTrepidation · 02/07/2023 10:03

I sympathise but you would be unreasonable to speak to you inlaws. It is not their job to provide child care.

Your DH is a different kettle of fish though. You need to tell him things cannot go on as they are. You will have a breakdown and then what will be do?

Him working like this every weekend is u sustainable. He is being extremely unfair to you and I wonder if his hours are actually a convenient way of escaping a difficult home situation?

Onthelow · 02/07/2023 10:03

Can you buy in someone to help you for a couple of hours on the weekend? Maybe to stay with one child and you take out the other or the other way round. I used to do that and pay them per hour.

ProfessorXtra · 02/07/2023 10:03

Crochetowl · 02/07/2023 09:59

I'm not insisting that we cannot change anything? DH is contracted to work only weekends. I have asked him a few times now and he said OK, but he hates change. He says he feels guilty but financially we need the money. I've found him employment that pays more but it doesn't have as many benefits - still isn't keen. It feels like an emergency for me. SIL told him and me that it's better for our family for him to have fixed shifts which is madness and unhelpful.

I don't know anyone who could have DS.

Local village; I do know other SEN parents I keep in contact with, but my son does need 1 strong adult or 2 adults just for him. Most will have their own challenging kids. But I will look out for some.

He works shifts so if he stopped the weekends it would be 3 nights in the week. That is an option. I work 2 days during the week.

Your op came across as though changing his job wasn’t an option.

If there’s jobs that are equal or better pay and he still refuses, then it’s him that you need to feel resentful of. It’s him that’s leaving you you to struggle.

Your sils opinion is neither here nor there and if he is listening to her instead of trying to find the best things for all of you, then (again) he is the problem.

I am not blaming you because you sound like you are on your knees. But you are directing your frustration on the wrong people

Whinge · 02/07/2023 10:04

He says he feels guilty but financially we need the money. I've found him employment that pays more but it doesn't have as many benefits - still isn't keen

So he doesn't feel guilty at all. If it was about the money he would have jumped at the chance to earn more and spend more time with his family. Does he do his fair share with the children? It seems like working weekends is a convenient way to opt out of the challenges of family life, and leave you to do all the parenting.

BusyInTheGarden · 02/07/2023 10:05

If he worked in the week to have weekends off then how would YOU work in the week too?

You have childcare?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/07/2023 10:07

Take the inlaws out the equation- they sound amazing.
Your husband is the problem- he needs a solution that works for the family, financially and practically. He could go back to nightshifts once your youngest is older. Do you think he wants to avoid the weekend family time?

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2023 10:09

What happens during the week?

cptartapp · 02/07/2023 10:10

It's nothing to do with your in laws. Your DH is the problem. Sounds like he's making excuses.

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2023 10:11

I assume as your DS gets older your in-laws may be able to help less anyway as your DS gets bigger and stronger. You need to look ahead as well as short term

Original poster
Crochetowl · 02/07/2023 10:11

I do think that might be the case. He's been struggling with depression. Both kids are I'm school during the week, so he only sees them weekday after school and he says he finds that hard(!).

A few people have said it might be harder for him to do weekdays. Definitely not. At the end of the day the weekend is 60 hours of non-stop.

Getting a lot of grief for the in laws. I did say in my OP I know rationally I can't be mad at them. It's emotionally tough as I feel like I have to put a brave face on when I hear how much fun they're having. I think anyone would find that challenging.

OP posts: