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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mainstream decisions

47 replies

AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 08:56

Hi, I’m hoping you can help.

so, I’m aware I may come across as unreasonable and judgy here but hopefully you can help.

my partner and I have been together for 5 years. We each have kids separately and don’t live together due to different reasons.

anyway, when we first met, we got on really well. He came across as decisive, a strong and adventurous person, impulsive and would plan things and try things. As time went on, we would talk about his experiences and he told me of how he would always choose to eat in chain restaurants, go to the same hotel and resort, only buy certain brands like kelloggs or Heinz and when he went out to eat, he would always order the same thing.
I questioned why this was the case and he said it was because he had been brought up on those brands and actually had just assumed they were superior. He saw how popular the restaurants were and assumed they were good. He read used Thomas cool ratings and trusted they were best and didn’t want to risk going somewhere that might not be good.

so, im aware this isn’t unusual. i did think given he was 50 years old, having never bought a tomato ketchup that wasn’t Heinz, and would say no if offered it, it made me feel a certain way about it. I can’t really put into words. What I felt, I just didn’t understand the reluctance.

I asked if he knew those products or experiences were superior and he said he hadn’t tried anything else.

this (as well as now) may be where im unreasonable. I made it pretty clear I wanted to be with someone who was adventurous and willing to try stuff. Not someone who is closed minded and chooses stuff because it’s the mainstream decision without having any clue about comparison. I accept we all have preferences but it’s not a preference if it’s just all you’ve ever had and aren’t willing to embrace trying anything else.

he said he hadn’t considered it before but agreed it wasn’t something he was aware he did. He went to the shops and came back with all this stuff he had never tried- he was so excited and it was lovely to see the adventure in him.
sure he found some things he said he wouldn’t try again. As I say, we all have preferences.

when we went out to dinner, he wouldn’t book frankie and bennys or Pizza Hut, he would book a local non chain and always enjoyed it. He was delighted.

well, he’s been planning on taking his daughter on holiday and was hoping to go to Paris but with the acrimony there, he’s decided against it. I support this decision.

so instead, he’s talking about booking a holiday to the same resort he has always gone to. One that his ex wife is taking her to the following week.
im not part of the decision making. Nor should I be as I’m not going.
it’s annoying me. I know it’s none of my business but it gives me the ick.

i just think there’s an entire world out there and his go to is to walk into a travel agent (who does that nowadays?) and look to book something that is a known experience.

i should add, he can afford it. He is choosing to spend more money to go to this resort over others.

i pointed out how there were other options and asked if he was making the choice incase other places weren’t good. I understand it’s a lot of money to not enjoy yourself. He said he didn’t think it was the same thing as he had never been in August before. I have said maybe if he trusts the holiday provider, I’d consider choosing a different country or even resort . We’ve not argued about it or anything. I just feel a bit yuck about it.

so, I guess I’m asking, am I being unreasonable for getting the ick re this? I just don’t respect these decisions. It makes me feel like I’m in a relationship with a boring and unadventurous person and I don’t find it attractive at all. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with someone that closed minded. At the time had he continued to be that way, I’d have been majorly turned off.

so now I’m at a bit of an impasse. Because now I am in a relationship with him and it’s 5 years down the line.

what do I do? Is it my issue and I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 02/07/2023 09:00

I cannot believe you've made such a fuss over tomato ketchup.

organise a holiday together and go somewhere new.

where are you going this year?

Sissynova · 02/07/2023 09:00

so, I guess I’m asking, am I being unreasonable for getting the ick re this? I just don’t respect these decisions. It makes me feel like I’m in a relationship with a boring and unadventurous person and I don’t find it attractive at all. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with someone that closed minded.

You don’t respect him for taking his daughter to a place he knows they both like and will enjoy themselves?
You are actually the one who sounds ridiculously contrived and like you’re are the closed minded one who is judgemental about other people and how their love their lives.

Let him life his life and just move on, you clearly hate most things about him and how he lives his life and think you are superior.

Sissynova · 02/07/2023 09:02

I’ve just seen that you’ve been together for 5 years which makes this even more mental.

meganorks · 02/07/2023 09:04

Personally I wouldn't find someone attractive who wasn't willing to eat in a non-chain restaurant or holiday anywhere different, so I can see where you are coming from. And surely going on holiday with your daughter to the exact same place she is going with your ex is just weird?! But I can't really see how you've made it 5 years down the line with someone! I'm not sure where you go from here to be honest.

CuriousGeorge80 · 02/07/2023 09:04

I only ever eat Heinz ketchup! How can you find this annoying. It is nicer than any other I have tried, and what’s the point of risking buying one you don’t like as much! I’m also perfectly adventurous. What an odd thing to fixate on!

PonyPatter44 · 02/07/2023 09:07

I actually can't imagine getting this worked up about ketchup. I really can't.

The way to help someone open their mind to different things is to show them and let the person experience them, not hector him until he "goes indie". If his daughter likes the boring resort, is it really so bad if he takes her there? You and he can go trekking in Machu Picchu on your holiday together.

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:17

It’s not just Heinz ketchup. That was an example.
mots only warburtons bread, Kellogg, hp sauce, Chicago town pizza, fairy washing powder. Basically every branded item. Not because they were superior, just because that’s all his mum ever bought and it never occurred to him anything else was good. To the point that if the store didn’t have the exact item m, he would do without.

it was the same with chain restaurants. If he couldn’t get booked into Pizza Hut, he wouldn’t go out.

they haven’t been on holiday in 5 years. They went to that resort as a family. His daughter is asking to go somewhere different. Last time she was there, she was 7 and she is going there with her mum already.

i may be judgemental. That’s why I’m asking.

m I do feel I have an open mind in terms of trying stuff. There’s nothing I wouldn’t eat or try. I’m aware there’s variants in that with people but I’m on the other side of the spectrum and as I say, had he continuously presented that way, I’d not have been interested in him. Whilst it’s not a hill to die on, we do need to have similar perspectives and value one another’s choices

OP posts:
Simonjt · 02/07/2023 09:28

Maybe try not being a huge control freak who is only happy when a partner is doing what you want. See how that goes with the whole there is nothing I wouldn’t try.

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:29

As I said, i accept that we all have preferences.

it’s just that he does prefer those things. He hadn’t tried anything else and was snobby about everything else. Turning his nose up to anything that wasn’t that branded product.

when he tried other things, he said there were things that were better or worse but my point wasn’t to force him to change over to other brands, it was to widen our experiences. I personally find it a bit immature to be getting a breakfast roll and refusing the options because they don’t have hp sauce or the sausages aren’t Richmond. my own children have been brought up to embrace different experiences.

that pov doesn’t appeal to me as a person. Not because you can’t have preference but because you aren’t willing to try things. I personally find that closed minded and is a trait I don’t find attractive

OP posts:
Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:30

*doesnt

OP posts:
Chocolateship · 02/07/2023 09:33

Honestly if you want someone who is adventurous then find someone who is, don't try and change someone who just inherently isn't. It doesn't sound like any of what he does is 'bad', you're just different and have different approaches to things.

PonyPatter44 · 02/07/2023 09:35

He thinks Richmond sausages are good? Bloody hell, love, I would have dumped him for that alone!

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:41

I think that’s the crux of it. I don’t want someone overtly adventurous. Just not so closed minded and restrictive based on nothing other than exposure.
something he told me hadn’t occurred to him before but was open to challenge. Turns out, he’s not really willing to do that

OP posts:
Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:42

aren my preference either but I’ll eat them. I’ll eat anything.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 02/07/2023 09:43

Do you think he might have undiagnosed Special Needs as he's so rigid in sticking to what his mother bought ? I can imagine how it might bring him comfort. Maybe he is a super taster who can taste the difference between Tesco Finest and own brand?

Personally it would give me the ick too. I would feel sorry for the dd flying to the same resort with mum the week after going with dad.

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:44

It’s not what I want. He’s told me about sitting in a pub without a drink because they didn’t serve peroni. People suggested he try something similar and he just said he was fine. That’s so restrictive in your thinking.

i personally don’t want to be with someone like that.

OP posts:
midgetastic · 02/07/2023 09:46

You are so restrictive in your thinking

Why can't he be fine without a drink ?

Why can't Sometimes he can do different things and sometimes not

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 09:50

No. He just hadn’t tried anything else and it hadn’t occurred to him to try anything else.

once he tried it, he’s been open to have it again. So In the ketchup situation, not only did he try and like asda own brand, it didn’t have to be asda next time. He was happy to have any ketchup because ketchup was ketchup.
his baseline preference is Heinz’s but he’s not precious about it anymore.

this is so stupid. It’s just I didn’t die on the hill at the time. I accepted we are all different. It’s just infiltrating all aspects of our lives and it’s just not who I am or how I live.

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 02/07/2023 09:51

I agree with you op. It didn't seem that bad in your opening post which is why i think some responses are as they are. Your later posts are more revealing.

Its not about the ketchup or the holiday its that these things are revealing someone who is very rigid and inflexible and not responsive to what others want eg his daughter.

PonyPatter44 · 02/07/2023 09:51

If he won't have a drink at all because they don't have Peroni (blurgh) there is something wrong with him. Whether it's just overly rigid thinking or some sort of actual ND, it probably doesn't matter, but he isn't going to be a satisfying person to be in a relationship with in the long-term.

Does his daughter display the same sort of behaviour?

WandaWonder · 02/07/2023 09:58

So he controls what he likes and does but you are not happy with that so you now want to control what he like and does?

MrsSchrute · 02/07/2023 10:00

It seems like you're just not compatible.

There is nothing at all wrong with sticking to what you like, and nothing at all wrong with trying new things. One is not morally superior to the other, and he isn't lacking because he is happy with what he knows.

Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 10:13

it maybe is me. I personally couldn’t go to a pub and sit without a drink. Even a coke or water.

OP posts:
Original poster
AspirationaJess · 02/07/2023 11:01

Completely agree. I’ve never said I was morally superior.

That being said, had we been on a first or second date and he sat without anything because they didn’t have Richmond sausages or peroni, I wouldn’t have seen him in a relationship capacity again. It just so happens our first few dates were in places he had choices. I didn’t notice the rigidity until later. When it materialised, I asked about it. I didn’t try to change him. I did however say I didn’t like the behaviours and I was willing to walk away.
he decided to challenge those beliefs and as I say, I didn’t die on that hill.
it would appear there’s still those beliefs hanging around and they appear in different ways now. Except I’m 5 years down the line.
problem is, he clearly doesn’t see it/want to be any different or want it to be any different.
I know this situation doesn’t impact me at all but for example, we were looking at going away for a weekend and he suggested a hotel in a neighbouring city which I was agreeable to. He then said - they have x and y and it’s really nice. I was really impressed as it seemed like he had done some research. Turns out he had stayed there with his ex wife. I’m not fussed about the ex wife thing, I’d feel the same if it was a work hotel. I’m just not wanting to repeat stuff. I like variety and experiencing things for the first time together.

thing is, i come across as ungrateful when I get disappointed at the lack of creativity, effort and variety.

it could be we aren’t compatible. I just wondered how I deal with it.

OP posts:
Avondale89 · 02/07/2023 11:11

This is a lot of tedious, unnecessary information. Why are you asking strangers for permission to end a relationship you’re not happy in? You’re not handcuffed to this man. You clearly don’t respect him, just do yourself and him a favour and just end it.