Mainstream decisions

[AspirationaJess]

Hi, I’m hoping you can help.

so, I’m aware I may come across as unreasonable and judgy here but hopefully you can help.

my partner and I have been together for 5 years. We each have kids separately and don’t live together due to different reasons.

anyway, when we first met, we got on really well. He came across as decisive, a strong and adventurous person, impulsive and would plan things and try things. As time went on, we would talk about his experiences and he told me of how he would always choose to eat in chain restaurants, go to the same hotel and resort, only buy certain brands like kelloggs or Heinz and when he went out to eat, he would always order the same thing.
I questioned why this was the case and he said it was because he had been brought up on those brands and actually had just assumed they were superior. He saw how popular the restaurants were and assumed they were good. He read used Thomas cool ratings and trusted they were best and didn’t want to risk going somewhere that might not be good.

so, im aware this isn’t unusual. i did think given he was 50 years old, having never bought a tomato ketchup that wasn’t Heinz, and would say no if offered it, it made me feel a certain way about it. I can’t really put into words. What I felt, I just didn’t understand the reluctance.

I asked if he knew those products or experiences were superior and he said he hadn’t tried anything else.

this (as well as now) may be where im unreasonable. I made it pretty clear I wanted to be with someone who was adventurous and willing to try stuff. Not someone who is closed minded and chooses stuff because it’s the mainstream decision without having any clue about comparison. I accept we all have preferences but it’s not a preference if it’s just all you’ve ever had and aren’t willing to embrace trying anything else.

he said he hadn’t considered it before but agreed it wasn’t something he was aware he did. He went to the shops and came back with all this stuff he had never tried- he was so excited and it was lovely to see the adventure in him.
sure he found some things he said he wouldn’t try again. As I say, we all have preferences.

when we went out to dinner, he wouldn’t book frankie and bennys or Pizza Hut, he would book a local non chain and always enjoyed it. He was delighted.

well, he’s been planning on taking his daughter on holiday and was hoping to go to Paris but with the acrimony there, he’s decided against it. I support this decision.

so instead, he’s talking about booking a holiday to the same resort he has always gone to. One that his ex wife is taking her to the following week.
im not part of the decision making. Nor should I be as I’m not going.
it’s annoying me. I know it’s none of my business but it gives me the ick.

i just think there’s an entire world out there and his go to is to walk into a travel agent (who does that nowadays?) and look to book something that is a known experience.

i should add, he can afford it. He is choosing to spend more money to go to this resort over others.

i pointed out how there were other options and asked if he was making the choice incase other places weren’t good. I understand it’s a lot of money to not enjoy yourself. He said he didn’t think it was the same thing as he had never been in August before. I have said maybe if he trusts the holiday provider, I’d consider choosing a different country or even resort . We’ve not argued about it or anything. I just feel a bit yuck about it.

so, I guess I’m asking, am I being unreasonable for getting the ick re this? I just don’t respect these decisions. It makes me feel like I’m in a relationship with a boring and unadventurous person and I don’t find it attractive at all. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship with someone that closed minded. At the time had he continued to be that way, I’d have been majorly turned off.

so now I’m at a bit of an impasse. Because now I am in a relationship with him and it’s 5 years down the line.

what do I do? Is it my issue and I’m being unreasonable?

So don't be with him?

You even been with him for 5 years. I don't know why you're making this a dealbreaker now when it should have surfaced years ago?

Why are you commenting on a strangers post online if you don’t want to help?

the purpose of these forums are to get other’s views and the threads you’ve chosen to respond to are asking’am I being unreasonable’

im not asking permission, I’m trying to get perspective and giving detail to assist in that process.

im wholly open to hearing I’m in the wrong or hearing my views are justified. I want to hear how i can find a way forward. However that might look.

weve each invested a lot of time in this relationship and I want to explore every option. I do love him. There’s lots of things that I admire in him. I’m not asking if I should break up with him, I’m asking how to tackle things and if I’m even reasonable to address them.

I guess it depends partly on how if affects your time together and the things you do together. I think DH and I can each be both adventurous and cautious about certain things.

We met 11 years ago both only just separated from ex spouses after very different lives prior to that, since I had 2 children and he didn't want any.

I think we have both broadened our horizons and expanded our adventures together, while also reining in some of our expectations of the other.

We were talking about this last night in After our holiday in France our first summer together while the kids were with their dad, I said, next summer let's go backpacking in China. His immediate reaction was 'yes', I've always wanted to go to China; he'd never travelled outside Europe or the USA. We had an amazing 3 week middle aged backpacking trip there, something we both said we'd never have felt confident to do with our exes.

He is much more physically adventurous than me and persuaded me to do some fast river drifting (a bit like white water rafting) down a mountain there, which I never would have done if he hadn't been adamant it would be fantastic. We have since had the confidence to go on lots of other adventures together and do a lot of outdoors stuff together, but keep it at a pace and level that I can manage and feel comfortable with.

But I am much more adventurous regarding food than him. Before we met he rarely ate fresh vegetables and ate in chain restaurants, whereas I wouldn't be paid to eat in McDonald's. He was nervous about eating things I cooked or going to small local restaurants in case he couldn't find anything he liked. Since then he has eaten in small, local restaurants in remote places around the world where we can't understand the menu, eats anything I cook including all vegetables and we have even now turned our small garden into lots of vegetable beds which we work on together as a joint project. But I have had to consider his tastes. Since there are still a few things he's not keen on, we try and make sure whatever or whatever we eat, it includes his preferences.

So it's possible for it to work if you can give a bit of yourself to the other, rather than making it into a battle. However, if I wasn't involved, I wouldn't care what DH was doing. Sometimes DH has gone to McDonald's and bought himself something because he fancies it, which is fine with me as long as I don't have to eat it.

you do not deserve this good secure guy. The more you treat him like this and show him that you need to control his settled choices, the more he will understand you think you are superior just because you worship some weird idol ( btw where did you get that idol in your mind) of adventurous life....

I couldn't get myself worked up over this. He sounds like a nice guy who just is a bit set in his ways, as we all are by 50 I would imagine!

And he's not unadventurous, you've said yourself he was happy and willing to try some new things when pressed, so I really don't know what your problem is.

If you have this much of a problem with someone enjoying the comfort of the familiar just move on - it's not complicated. You want different things. You want the heady adventure of someone who might tantalise you by buying Branston instead of Heinz, just because he can. Go forth and find that worldly man.

He is a nice guy. Nowhere have I said he isn’t.

im also not on here to rip him to shreds. I’m giving real life examples of decisions he’s made as context. Heinz over branston isn’t the issue. It’s the restriction of choice and lack of variety in most areas.

it’s hardly a worldly experience I’m looking for. To the point that some people have considered he may be on the spectrum because he’s so rigid in his behaviour.

You know the answer. You're not happy, he gives you the ick.

But the point still stands. You don't like this person because he likes the familiar. So leave him. There is no third option here, you either stay and be ok with who he is or leave. This isn't a negative thing about him so why should he change it? It's not fair to expect him to change things about himself to fit this mould that you have in mind.

Maybe he'd like to change the fact that you're apparently so wishy washy it's taken you 5 years to work out that someone being set in his ways gives you "the ick".

You won't change him though is the point, he is who he is and shouldn't be expected to change. His behaviours aren't hurting anyone, they're not immoral or illegal it's just that you find them annoying so he shouldn't have to make a concerted effort even though relationships are about compromise it's not about changing who you are.

OK, there are 2 things to address

1. his approach to new things
2. your reaction to 1)

If you can't reach a level of compromise on 1) (which means you also addressing 2) then the relationship isn't sustainable.

There are many reasons why someone might choose to go to the same place twice on holiday - I have done it twice when I was booking at short notice, needed minimal mental load, and knew my criteria. Otherwise I am reasonably adventurous in my tastes or will at least try something new once.

Do you understand what's going on for him emotionally when he makes these choices? If you want him to change are you willing to support with practical solutions that meet his emotional needs?

My DH is a bit like this. His family are 100% like this. I think it's partly a lack of imagination and also fear of the unknown / things going wrong / waste of money / general anxiety. He wanted to be different to them, but it's not easy when this culture is so strong, and the anxiety does get passed down the generations. MIL has never been abroad, FIL only goes to the same hotel every year, BIL only went abroad when his teenage daughter arranged it!

Like your DH, mine has embraced lots of change, which is great. However I think he would really struggle to think of a family holiday from scratch, and if having to find something quickly (because of the Paris problem), he would probably default to somewhere he knows. Fortunately he doesn't have this problem, as I've accepted that I am the holiday organiser! I do take his preferences into account and discuss them with him, but his role is generally saying that it looks lovely and letting me book. This is something that he appreciates me for, and we both accept that we contribute different qualities to our relationship and family.

TBH my best friend is like this too. She likes going to new places and having new experiences but she's no good at thinking of them herself. We've had lots of great days out and some fun holidays but they were 100% organised by me. I've found this frustrating at points, but I love DH and appreciate my BF so accept the role I've chosen here.

It’s not twice. This is the 8th time.

i suspect he goes into automatic pilot and just follows process. Like in this situation, he had a plan, it’s fallen through so he’s found a solution. in some ways, I don’t have issue with that. It’s just he’s insistent he’s not just repeating or doing the same thing again because he’s going in August… when he’s never been in August before.

like saying it’s a different top because that one’s black and this is blue.

As for those saying it’s taken me 5 years to decide if i want to be with him - substantial relationships after marriage and children aren’t always linear like first relationships and we each have lots to consider before hitting standard milestones. We’ve had a strange relationship because of elements out of our control and I guess in some ways that’s allowed us to be 5 years down the line and still only seeing one another on alternate weekends.

I’ve just touched on points you’ve said and I think a lot of it is what you’ve said.
i do however listen to him being frustrated at his daughter for not appreciating his time and money when I recognise why she might be a tad disappointed in his approach. I don’t think she’s ungrate, I think she’s bored.
akin to if you tell a parent you like curry then you get it every Tuesday for 15 years. Not that you don’t like it, it’s just same same.
he’s frustrated at his relationship with his daughter and I don’t think this decision will help. Yet it’s not my place to organise him. I guess I’ve come on here because this decision he’s making has triggered memories of experiences of frustration I’ve had with him and I needed to work out if it’s a reasonable behaviour or if I’m unreasonable for feeling frustrated by it

OP, you are not being unreasonable and I am surprised at the responses here. I have met people like your husband and I couldn't stand to be friends with them, let alone be in a relationship with them.

It would drive me crazy to be with someone so close-minded.

Reading with intrigue

I don't understand why people are voting yabu. He is restricting his and his daughters life in a very weird way. Who doesn't get a coke or water or anything when a specific drink isn't there? Stifling and odd. Not just routine but to the very extreme. Icky.

It’s just he’s insistent he’s not just repeating or doing the same thing again because he’s going in August… when he’s never been in August before.

To say he's insistent means you've pushed this issue quite a lot, from an opposing standpoint. I'm not sure why this thing in particular is bothering you so much to the point where you're going on at him about it. Has he even organised holidays before? Maybe he doesn't feel confident doing it that's why he walks into travel agents and goes to the same places, he seems overly worried about making a mistake.

I might be off base here but I think sometimes people who have very much been led or ruled in previous relationships (family or romantic etc), they find it really hard to be their own person and make their own decisions, my DH was like this when I first met him, after quite a few years I like to think it's my influence that has made him broaden his horizons, by showing him it's okay to do different things and experiencing things together, and making mistakes! and now he's very much his own person, who isn't afraid to have an opinion.

The problem is you can't make someone become more confident by 'making' them try new things, or berating them for not going out of their comfort zone or getting frustrated at them, you should accept who there are because fundamentally you love them and if you think they are limiting themselves, then encourage them to try new things. But ultimately you've got to accept that they are who they are and you've really got no right to 'change' them to suit you.

It seems an odd thing to throw away a relationship over, assuming everything else about it is good? Are you sure there's not more to it and you're trying to justify ending things?

I know I get pissed off with people who insist I eat this, try that, go on, you'll like it, you have a "timid palate" (someone actually said that to me because I don't eat spicy food). Just let the man enjoy what he likes and not push everything to be some character-improving venture. And since that clashes with the way you like to live, split up, you're not really compatible.

I’m reading these replies and learning as I go. Questioning my own beliefs and reactions so thank you to all who have taken time to respond. Good and bad.

when I said he was insistent, it was because I asked why he had booked the same place again when he had the option of 600 other holidays in the same price range, leaving from the same airport on the same 3 departure days which worked. Same standard of hotel and catering. He said he hadn’t booked the same place. I challenged that by stating the name of the hotel and said- this will be the 8th time you’ve been. and he said - I’ve never been there. In August. So he’s being (imo) pedantic about it. Defensive maybe because I’ve asked a question that has perhaps caused conflict and he can see i feel a certain way about it.
i struggle to have a conversation with someone who is denying reality. So I’ve put it down to insistence but it might be denial, being obtuse or probably frustration at feeling like im asking him to justify his actions.
despite this, im struggling to understand why he would choose to spend over the odds to go somewhere he’s been to 7 times before. Maybe I don’t need to understand why.

my feeling though is that I had kind of narrowed this rigidity down to something I wasn’t ok with and we had spoken about that. He said it wasn’t something he was aware of and made changes that assured me that it wasn’t going to be an issue in our relationship. Now he’s denying he’s doing it by being pedantic and suggesting I should still have no issue with it. Just because it’s framed differently doesn’t mean it’s different imo.

we aren’t communicating very well and I’ve done a fair bit of passive judgement like will you be ordering a map of the resort?’ whilst he’s been passively saying stuff like- I wonder what the chips will taste like at the buffet in August’. We are clearly both miffed and whilst we are laughing, it’s not actually a joke. I do feel a bit tricked into this situation because I did make it clear I wasn’t ok with it.

m it’s very tricky

He's not being rigid imo, you are. It's his holiday, you're not going, why do you want to control it? It's none of your business. Why the hell should he reorganise his separate holidays because of your disapproval of him doing something innocuous (I presume he's not frequenting brothels) he knows he enjoys and is comfortable with? Holidays don't have to be some wild adventure or, again, some sort of mind-expanding journey. They're for resting, ffs. You wanted someone adventurous, what you call open-minded. Sounds like you've been wasting your time and his.

What do you mean “how to tackle this”? I have no idea what you want people to say to you, or what help you even need.

Your numerous posts full of waffle are bizarre. I doubt this man will change and he shouldn’t have to. You don’t seem to respect him and are looking to control the minutiae of his life. Surely it would be better to just cut your losses and break up with him.

despite this, im struggling to understand why he would choose to spend over the odds to go somewhere he’s been to 7 times before. Maybe I don’t need to understand why.

You're not going on this holiday, correct? So why does it matter to you where he goes?

I don't really understand why you have made this into such a big issue, it doesn't affect you at all.

I think you need to spend some time thinking about why this is an issue for you. He has clearly shown that he is willing to bend on occasion, are you willing to do the same?