My Husband is grieving and I don't know how to help him

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Sorry I was not sure where to post this but this page seems to get more traffic

Back story, DH and I have two Granddaughters who we love very much, my DIL has a brother 'Mark' Mark and his wife Emma have a 4 year old son called Sam who is like a surrogate grandchild to both of us, but especially to DH, they live near to us and since DH retired he has often taken Sam to the park and there was even talk of DH having Sam for a couple of days a week so that Emma could work, there is no other Grandfather figure in Sam's life so DH is grandpa things couldn't have been any better until 6 weeks ago.

Mark found out that Sam is not his son, Emma had an affair and is still in touch with Sam's real father, we don't know the ins and outs of it only that Mark has left the marital home, obviously all contact with Sam and Emma has been severed, I know DH was upset about it, so am I to be honest but Sam was DH's little pal and he misses him.

The inevitable happened on Saturday we bumped into Sam and Emma at the supermarket, little Sam's face lit up with joy when he saw DH but of course he was hustled away, it was terrible we could hear him sobbing, poor little lad has lost his daddy and his grandpa all in fell swoop, we had to leave as DH was so upset

I woke up at 3 o'clock this morning DH wasn't in bed I found him downstairs watching videos of him and Sam and crying, DH is 74 we have been married for nearly 51 years and I have never seen him cry, he had always been the strong silent type, I held him until he fell asleep, he is sleeping at the moment. I don't know how to help him going forward, I know he will have to accept that Sam is no longer in his life as will I. but I cant stand to see him so bereft. Any kind words or advice would be welcome.

obviously all contact with Sam and Emma has been severed,

why?

I totally appreciate supporting your son

but why does this little boy have to suffer to?

Is it your son or ex wife that is stopping contact? Or your DH has made the decision himself

I don’t understand why your husband has to stop all contact? Surely you and he could maintain a relationship even if your son doesn’t wish to. Otherwise that poor child is losing his grandparents and his father all in one go. Your son is an adult who can make his own choices but Sam doesn’t deserve to suffer this much as a result.

Why can't he still see Sam?

Oh OP I'd definitely contact Emma and say we'd still love to be a part of Sam's life. Even in just an 'Uncle and Aunty' capacity. This is so sad that poor little boy.

I don’t think Sam is any relation to the OP. His dad isn’t their son, but their DIL’s brother.

Because Mark is not their son. He’s their daughter in law’s brother, so not a very close connection.

I fail to see why the relationship has to be severed. This is your DIL’s brother’s soon to be ex’s child. The original relationship was tenuous at best. Why wouldn’t you all treat this like a civil divorce? Mark might want to cut this child out of his life, your DIL might want to stop thinking of Sam as her nephew, but what your DH decides to do is no one’s business but his own and Sam’s mother.

I agree with previous posters. Contact Emma and say that you hope you can still support her and Sam, despite the situation with Mark. You can do that as a friend, without a familial relationship.

She may still want to cut ties but it's worth reaching out.

Oh OP this was so sad to read and I can appreciate why this is such a complicated situation.
In your position I think you have to speak to your DIL and Mark ( if you are close to him ) who must also be in a terrible state . You don’t want to damage your relationship with your DIL by speaking directly to Emma in the first instance I don’t think. The fallout from this must be affecting so many people.
I really hope as the dust settles all the adults can make arrangements to support this little boy and do what is best for him . Hopefully Mark will also want to continue a relationship with the little boy too .

I think other posters are confused and think this little boy is your grandson. From what I understand, he isn't, he's your daughter in law's nephew? (he is her brother's "son"). I would contact Emma directly and explain you'd still like to be part of this little boy's life somehow, even as just an Aunty & Uncle type figure who see him occasionally, Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc. I'm sure all their lives are in turmoil at the moment and they'd probably be pleased if they could have some adult only time to sort things out. Emma would probably be grateful if you offered to help out with Sam again. Maybe she feels very embarrassed about the situation and thinks you disapprove of her and that's why she avoided you in the supermarket. I'd contact her and say what's happened is none of your business and you aren't judging anyone but you'd still like to be a part of Sam's life.

@Martamaybe this is what I was trying to say to DH, when she saw us she just turned tail and ran, it might have been embarrassment but she certainly didn't want to talk to us, as you say when the dust settles there may be a chance that Emma and Mark will work together for the sake of Sam, if that happens then of course we want o be a part of his life if possible. My DIL is very angry at her at the moment and is supporting her brother so we are worried she may see it as an act of betrayal if we try and make contact.

Oh how awfully sad for the wee boy and your husband. To see your husband crying after all those years. Heartbreaking.

However I think it's best to leave well alone. Your DIL will see it at a huge betrayal if you contact Emma. She's lost a nephew as well, the whole family must be devastated.

If your DIL is hurt and bewildered by you keeping in contact, then this may affect your relationship with your son.

Such as mess, you just need to take a step back. Maybe when the dust has settled and Mark and his family are not so devastated you could maybe broach the subject.

But not now.

This is so heartbreaking for all of you! Especially poor Mark - how awful.

My advice would be to let everything settle a little bit, and maybe in a month or so speak to your DIL about you and your DH getting in touch with Emma to see if they are still OK with you seeing Sam every so often. You could just call or even message, that Sam felt like a grandchild to you both and you’d be so upset if you lost contact. Would you still be able to see him.

I know it is not as easy as this but sometimes it is not about blood and it is about the relationship and love. For 4 years he has been your DIL nephew and your surrogate grandchild. For the sake of the child Emma should still let you all see him. If anything it just means the boy has more people that love him. He will always be your DIL nephew and I’m sure Mark will always love him like his son. If that makes any sense

How tragic. The needs of the child should be considered. He and your husband love each other. The contact ought to be encouraged for both their sales. Hand hold to u all OP.

She was mortified when she saw you and ran. In any case the supermarket was not a place to have a serious conversation.

Send her a card saying, 'We would still love to be in contact and support you and Sam. Please let me know when is a good time to talk.'

Maybe get him to write a letter to Emma? Even if he doesn't sent it straight away it might be helpful to get everything he's feeling out and on paper. It's understandable that DIL wants to support her brother, but surely she's not so hard as to make a child suffer for its mother's actions?

I think the best you can do is just support your husband and let him grieve for the loss of the relationship. It really is sad for both your DH and Sam, maybe at some future date they can take up again but at the moment I can see that Emma won't want to be talking to people about what has happened or to feel that she is being judged.It really is all very sad, let your DH have a good cry, let him look at videos if he wants , he will feel the pain less as time goes on ,but at the moment he will feel overwhelming sadness.

Unless Mark does decide to try and rebuild the relationship with Emma, then unfortunately I don't think it would be right to maintain contact with Sam.

It is so sad that this has happened, but I think it is unlikely that your DIL is going to be happy about your DH maintaining a relationship. I would choose to prioritise the relationship with my DIL in your shoes.

She may surprise you though and be absolutely fine with it all once things have calmed down. What a mess. Your poor DH, and of course Mark and Sam.

I can't imagine what it must be like for Mark. It must be unbearable for your DIL to see her brother's world collapse around him.

I think I would contact Emma and try to resurrect the relationship between your dh and Sam. You can make it clear to all the adults involved that this has no bearing on your views of the situation between them and that you are not taking sides. Although this relationship is like a grandfather/grandchild relationship it's always been known that there is no blood link between them and it's always been just a lovely friendship between people of different generations, this hasn't changed and hopefully the adults who have been hurt will be able to see that punishing two completely innocent people isn't the right thing to do.

You need to tread carefully here, this is DiL's brother who has been betrayed and she may well see it as another betrayal and your relationship with her and her family is far more important than to Sam.

Aah your poor DH. It may resolve, or not. In the mean time, I'd say be there for your hubby, find stuff to keep him occupied, a trip, something to look forward to maybe?

I think it would be worth talking to DIL about this. It's her nephew and her children's cousin (even if not biological, they've all grown up together and your GCH will be confused) , explain you obvs don't agree with what Sam's mum Has done but Sam will be confused and suffering and without his family and whilst everyone supports Emma's brother, maybe some contact with Sam would be best for him and the other children etc. Sam hasn't done anything wrong.
I hope you work it out.

So much speculation about how people feel OP. Why don’t you actually talk to them?

So your DH talk to your DIL to ask how she’d feel if you contacted Emma re the little boy getting together with him

and then write to Emma and say that whilst you don’t want to get involved, you’d love to carry on contact with beloved boy but. no pressure as understood that very difficult times