My Husband is grieving and I don't know how to help him

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Sorry I was not sure where to post this but this page seems to get more traffic

Back story, DH and I have two Granddaughters who we love very much, my DIL has a brother 'Mark' Mark and his wife Emma have a 4 year old son called Sam who is like a surrogate grandchild to both of us, but especially to DH, they live near to us and since DH retired he has often taken Sam to the park and there was even talk of DH having Sam for a couple of days a week so that Emma could work, there is no other Grandfather figure in Sam's life so DH is grandpa things couldn't have been any better until 6 weeks ago.

Mark found out that Sam is not his son, Emma had an affair and is still in touch with Sam's real father, we don't know the ins and outs of it only that Mark has left the marital home, obviously all contact with Sam and Emma has been severed, I know DH was upset about it, so am I to be honest but Sam was DH's little pal and he misses him.

The inevitable happened on Saturday we bumped into Sam and Emma at the supermarket, little Sam's face lit up with joy when he saw DH but of course he was hustled away, it was terrible we could hear him sobbing, poor little lad has lost his daddy and his grandpa all in fell swoop, we had to leave as DH was so upset

I woke up at 3 o'clock this morning DH wasn't in bed I found him downstairs watching videos of him and Sam and crying, DH is 74 we have been married for nearly 51 years and I have never seen him cry, he had always been the strong silent type, I held him until he fell asleep, he is sleeping at the moment. I don't know how to help him going forward, I know he will have to accept that Sam is no longer in his life as will I. but I cant stand to see him so bereft. Any kind words or advice would be welcome.

I agree, contact Emma and explain you’d still like to be part of Sam’s life, and whatever went on is no concern of yours. You’re there for Sam.

Emma was probably embarrassed at seeing you , and thought maybe you’d judge her.

Emma told the worst lies and now mark has to get his head around his wife’s affair and raising a child that was not his . The blame is with her for breaking her child’s heart, what a nasty piece of work.
OP you could ask mark if you can reach out to her and get contact with Sam, but sadly I suspect this woman will now mess you about and show you her colours, especially when sams dad comes back on the scene. I would grieve and come to terms with it in your own way before making any decision. That woman is toxic.

People who have affairs often don't realise it's not just the immediate parties that get caught in the cross fire, but it also has far reaching impact. Your dh and Sam have both been victims of the affair and it's so sad for both of them.

Part of me thinks it would be good, once the dust has settled to see if dh and Sam can have a relationship, but that in itself will come with all sorts of issues, it could impact his relationships with his family etc. It might be best for all involved to cut contact. Maybe your dh can speak to a professional to process this loss. I often think that these kinds of losses are even more difficult than a death, as the other person is still around and you could potentially bump into or see them.

I think your DH should reach out to Emma and make clear that his relationship with Sam isn't contingent on her relationship and the biological status of Sam as a family member. That he loves him like a grandson and wants to continue that relationship and so would very much like the opportunity to still visit and take Sam to activities.

If DIL gets upset then he can explain that he supports her in her decision to stand by her brother, that he agrees the actions of Emma were wrong but that that has nothing to do with his relationship with Sam who is just a little boy who's lost a lot, had a lot of changes and deserves to have people in his life who love him and want to be with him.

I don’t understand some of these posts
saying you should be aiming to keep the relationship going as friends. Emma utterly betrayed your DIL’s DB by having an affair and a child by another man and you want to keep this relationship going for your DH’s sake and his fake grandchild? I expect your DH is in pieces because he realises how unresolvable this all is and how terribly, terribly sad it is. You could of course ask your DIL if she would mind but if I were her I would come out fighting on behalf of my DB and think you were being both naive and selfish. You do realise that by contacting Emma etc you would be condoning her infidelity and deceit? Wouldn’t you feel a bit bad about that? Let her and Sam start over somewhere else /with other people so that the poor kid can have a life narrative that doesn’t have his mum’s lie at the heart of it!

Obviously all contact with Sam and Emma has been severed -

This isn't obvious at all. Why have you severed all ties with Emma AND Sam?

Emma utterly betrayed your DIL’s DB by having an affair and a child by another man and you want to keep this relationship going for your DH’s sake and his fake grandchild?

you see I would never ever immediately jump to that without knowing the detail

and seeing as the OP is unlikely ever to know the full detail - I would never be so judgemental on such scant information

What relationship does your DH have with his granddaughters?

Not the point of the OP but I wonder how your children and children in law feel if there is an obvious preference for male grandchildren even if they are not related..

I might have the wrong end of the stick but you don't mention the whole family having lost contact with their cousin or anything else..

You are prioritising the adult feelings in all this and making a lot of assumptions about what Emma did.

What about the 6yr old boy who has lost his dad, extended family and the man he sees as his grandad?

It's a tricky one, and unfortunately everyone needs some time to work through the biggest emotions. I'm not sure it is obvious that all connections have been severed, and can't see how that is in Sam's best interests. Mark was his dad and he's just disappeared, the poor boy must be devastated.

I would ask DIL how Mark is, and what you can do to support him. I would also let DIL what's happened bumping into them, and make her aware DH is grieving for Sam. Let it all settle in, see what she says. Gradually over days/ weeks move towards the question of whether DH can contact Emma about meeting Sam to help support him, because he must be a very confused little boy right now.

fiddlesticks - Not sure which bit you think needs more detail - they seem pretty clear that the kid’s biological father is now on the scene and it seems that the DIL’s DB previously certainly thought he was the dad. Are you wondering if Sam’s mum herself didn’t know previously?!

But OP, I am sorry, I was being harsh, especially my language. Bit triggering for me!
The best thing to do would be to speak with your DH and find out what support he would like and what he wants to do. He may wish to keep the relationship going which sounds risky for your ongoing family relationships plus possibly more complicated for Sam himself going forwards if his actual dad is involved, or he may need your support to get over the loss of a relationship he valued and was hoping to see blossom into the future. Personally I’d encourage the latter and enjoy your grandchildren.

fiddlesticks - Not sure which bit you think needs more detail

seriously? You can’t fathom that there may be a huge back story here? Possibly rape? Possibly Mark abusive? Possibly she felt she had no options? So many possibly scenarios and detail.

Personally I would never judge without knowing the detail.

and actually - even if I did know the detail, I’m not on to “judge”

He 'found out that she'd been having an affair and is still in contact with the bio father', eh?

His mother has gone nuts?

And she ran when she saw you?

Sounds like people I knew - it's not his, she's a slag, she's still seeing men, we hate her and no maintenance, never seeing the child again, nobody else can and she has been threatened about contacting them in case they find out it's actually been an abusive relationship, he is the father and he's actually leading up to springing his girlfriend on them.

Would your DIL take it as you being very disloyal to her/her brother if you maintained some level of contact with Sam? I think if so, you need to protect your relationship with the nucleus of your own family (your sons, their partners, your grandchildren).
But if all the adults can agree that the welfare of Sam must be put first, Sam has done nothing wrong, foolish adult behaviour has put him into this situation, then perhaps your dh could place himself as a kind of godfather figure in Sam's life, maybe once a month on Saturdays a trip out and lunch.
But for heavens sake only with everyone in full knowledge. There has been enough deceit.

Do not contact Emma as some have suggested. If you do you risk alienating your son, his wife, your granddaughters and your daughter in law's family.
That is a lot to put at risk for a little boy whose mother made the choice to have an affair and whose darling boy is now the one who is paying the price.
Your daughter in law is rightly upset for her brother and is supporting him. Give it time and then make your choices. Who knows what might happen. In the meantime just be there for your husband. Encourage him to talk.

What are you talking about … possible rape…. Why is that even being mentioned. Jesus Christ. The OP put she had an affair and is still in contact with the bio dad! Doesn’t sound like bloody rape.

Everyone has an option to not shag around and tell your partner their the dad when they are not. She’s a vile women who will mess up her own kid and that’s her fault.

It is not mentioned

but given this is a marriage that the Op and her DH were very far removed from - my point is i wouldn’t be quick to judge her as a “slag” on the basis of the scant info I do have

I agree with PPs that a note to the mother would be a good idea. Something like. We were happy to bump into you the other day. Completely understand why you ushered Sam away but we heard him crying. We know how difficult the break up must be for all concerned but we love Sam dearly and would like to stay in contact. We also think that it could be good for him, not to have so many adults vanish from his life as that could be quite traumatising. Do you agree? If you do, please call us and we'd be so happy to set up a visit.

I think I'm a bit clouded by the dynamics here. Since essentially daughter in laws brother is 'nothing' to OP. I mean in a sense of needing sides/loyalty. But I guess in this family dynamic Mark is kind of similar relation feeling as the DIL?
I'd say talk with the DIL. Is the vengeful? Like if you see Sam would she top you form seeing the grandkids or something? I'd talk to DIL in a few weeks when dust has settled and go at it from the angle of best interest of Sam. If she's receptive then talk to Emma. Could be that she doenst want the relationship to continue since she might be with her affair partner and it would get complicated and then maybe there is a bio grandpa in the picture? Or she might be happy to have a relationship. This just needs communication.

Also does husband enjoy spending time because they do 'boy stuff' or they just vibe personality vise?

Surely the adults in this situation can prioritize the needs of an innocent and vulnerable 4 year old child?!!

This child should be allowed to have contact with the people he loves and who love him.

It would be so incredibly damaging for him to be abruptly cut off from the adults he has known his whole life.

Children do not get to choose who they attach to. They are simply not capable of choosing to detach from adults they love because of the mistakes, no matter how terrible, of the adults responsible for them.

There needs to be a way for various family members to talk about their feelings but agree that a little child does not deserve permanent emotional harm that will impact him for the rest of his life because the adults around him cannot get over themselves and make arrangements for him to spend time with the adults he is attached to, even if the adults in question don't get along or have relationships with each other.