Scared of being alone

[Purplepaperpeople]

I am married to DH and have a young DS. I come from a very small family and unfortunately my father passed away many years ago leaving only me (I’m an only child) and my Mum, Gran and with a handful of aunties/uncles and cousins who I am not close to. For aslong as I can remember I have been terrified of being alone…particularly in my mid to late life when my own family have passed away. I know I have DH and my son but I am realistic that my son will one day have his own life and possibly move away etc and unfortunately DH and I don’t have a particularly good relationship. Because of how I feel, I know i put up with rubbish behaviour from people and feel I go above and beyond out of fear of them leaving and then making it more likely i am going to be alone one day with no one. I hate this feeling. I also struggle to say no and often feel overwhelmed with what I’ve agreed to do for others. I am tempted to have lots of children as a way of helping with these feelings but think this is maybe just running away from the problem?

AIBU for feeling this way? Any advice if others have ever felt a similar way? Or if they have a small network how they feel about it? Maybe the reality isn’t as bad I think?

I was widowed 18 months ago and I think you find you are stronger and more adaptable than you realise. My children are adults and flew the nest before I became a widow, I have learned to accept my new life, I keep ,myself busy, I get out of the house most days even if it's just for a walk. I won't deny that at times it is hard but I find planning the days ahead helps. I think I was more lonely in my first marriage where I was deeply unhappy than I am now as a widow.

Child free widow here. It’s fine. Invest in your friendships, they are more likely to be around in your life than a partner or even DC (I know people who’s children have gone NC or emigrated to Australia).

What is it that scares you? I genuinely don't understand the fear of being alone, but if you can work out exactly what the issue is, perhaps that will help you to overcome it.

Thanks for your replies and sorry to hear of your losses 😢

i think what scares me is the idea that I will have no family unit. The idea I would spend Christmas’s alone, no one who really cared about me and no one who would be there unconditionally. I know this isn’t realistic as I know lots of people with a big family network who don’t have close connections either but just can’t shake this feeling. Day to day I’m fine being alone it’s more when I think of the future and visualise myself being alone and lonely

Sorry to those who have lost a loved one.

I understand what you have written op. I feel this, it's like a sense of impending abandonment. I had a difficult upbringing where I was abandoned in some ways and I wonder if this has something to do with it. There is another thread running similar to this and I think it is a fear lots of people have.

It's the thought of going for days without talking to anyone (except my dog) without anyone to have a more in-depth conversation other than just trivial stuff, of being no-ones priority and to have no-one to care for. Loss of connection I suppose. I don't think we are designed to live in isolation but it appears this is what often happens later in life.

I also get overwhelmed quite easily but I guess if I had to manage, I would manage. A lot of this is attributed to my upbringing I think, it has set me at a disadvantage as I am prone to anxiety. I have a few friends but friendships don't come easily as I have a tendency to protect myself but I'm working on this.

Not sure what the answer is but I wish I could get to a place where I feel more comfortable.

I know a few people who live alone...one doesn't really yearn for company and generally keeps busy and gets out for fresh air, the other admits she feels lonely sometimes. So many people have walked this path but I am absolutely dreading it.

I remember my widowed 80 year old grandmother tearfully telling me how lonely she was, it is difficult to forget this. I didn't understand it so much then but I do now. I'm not sure what advice my younger self would have given her.

I think I secretly hope that one of my dc will join me as I have enough money to buy a property with annexe and due to inheritance reasons it would be more beneficial finacially inheritance wise (for them) for me to remain in a large property. But it needs to come from them and I can't demand that. I have also thought about sheltered housing but not sure this would work for me either though some people get so much from it. Age UK have a tenant scheme which could work to ease the isolation - this is where a younger person stays with you paying low rent in return for a couple of hours a day company/jobs - a sort of helpful lodger in the evenings. The money from the low rent option could be put towards employing a companion/assistant for a few hours a week. There are a few options but it is the not knowing how things are going to play out that stresses me out too and that I can't make more concrete plans (that is if I make it into older age). I fear I will be one of those parents who lands on their dc's doorstep or lives a few doors away/around the corner.

This is a similar theme and contains some very good advice:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4806453-old-age-if-dh-dies-before-i-do