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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get out of work commitment late in pregnancy?

28 replies

Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:25

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and need opinions.

Im pregnant and due at the end of December. I’ve not told work yet but I’m due to run a training course the last week of November (I’ll be 35 weeks when the course takes place) and it’s my first baby.

The training course involves me staying in a hotel in central London (2 nights) and I’ll be about 3 hours away from home on public transport / at least 4 hours driving.

So far pregnancy has been fine but I’m
feeling a little uneasy being so far away from home that late on. WIBU to ask work if someone else can run the course? (They’ll need to source someone externally so not ideal).

YABU - suck it up, you’ll be fine, you’re worrying too much
YANBU - stay home just in case

Thank you!

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 01/07/2023 20:29

Can't you just start your maternity leave by then?

MissChanandlerB0NG · 01/07/2023 20:31

It really depends on how your pregnancy progresses. I had planned way to much for the end of my pregnancy. By 32 weeks I could hardly walk due to PGP and had trouble sleeping. Got signed off in the end but I just about managed to get it all done in advance. It was an absolute nightmare and a lot of long nights writing handovers as I knew I wouldn't have finished it all on time.

Try to take it easy after 30 weeks, if you can.

Original poster
Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:31

@Sapphire387 I’d rather not ideally - I work from home the rest of the time so apart from this I don’t need to, hoping to start Mat Leave around Xmas time.

Of course if they say no to me asking not to do the training course and everyone tells me I’d be mad to try and travel to London that late on I might have to!

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 01/07/2023 20:34

You might be fine to do it. I would have been, at 35 weeks.

Alternatively, is there any chance the training could be bought forward?

BapsOutFriday · 01/07/2023 20:34

Actually, I think it's sensible to sort this out now. Your work would be bonkers to just rely on a heavily pregnant woman being able to do this.

Better it's sorted now, than last minute because you find you're not able to do it.

ANewAdventure · 01/07/2023 20:34

Definitely tell them you can’t do it. It’s possible you’d be absolutely fine, but that’s pretty late in pregnancy and you don’t know how you’ll be feeling. The last thing you want is to be in a different place, worried about movements or something but feeing unable to get help.

Original poster
Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:37

This is my thinking about telling them now - they have more time to find a replacement even though there’s the chance I might be fine.

(It’s a very niche course so limited people that can run it, and sadly it can’t be moved as it’s linked to professional exams that run on a set timetable).

I just wasn’t sure if I was being overly cautious!

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 01/07/2023 20:39

There's a reasonable risk you might not be able to do it for medical reasons. Which obviously wouldn't be great as the attendees would be let down. So I would say you need to let work know so they can decide whether to take that risk.

I don't think the distance would bother me if all was going well at that stage, but you just don't know now how things will go. If you have any complications you may not want to and it would be much worse to let them down last minute.

You must be over 12 weeks now if due in December so why don't you just tell them?

Crunchymum · 01/07/2023 20:42

When do you plan to tell work about the pregnancy? Can you not advise them at the same time you won't be able to run the training?

Original poster
Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:45

I’m 14 weeks and on holiday next week so planning to tell work when I get back (I wfh full
time so haven’t really had a reason to tell them yet as I’ve felt fine).

The course coordinator isn’t my direct manager, but based on the responses, I’ll speak to them after my holiday and ask if someone else can cover.

Just wanted to sense check I wasn’t being a mad overly cautious first timer.

Thanks all!

OP posts:
CC4712 · 01/07/2023 20:52

Who will be covering when you are mat leave? Could they not cover the course a few weeks earlier?

Original poster
Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:58

@CC4712 i suspect (although unconfirmed) that they won’t get cover. It’s a niche area and might be hard to recruit for a year. Although if they do get cover that would be problem solved! I’ll find out what the plan is when I break the news.

OP posts:
ditalini · 01/07/2023 21:01

Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:37

This is my thinking about telling them now - they have more time to find a replacement even though there’s the chance I might be fine.

(It’s a very niche course so limited people that can run it, and sadly it can’t be moved as it’s linked to professional exams that run on a set timetable).

I just wasn’t sure if I was being overly cautious!

If it's linked to a professional exams timetable then surely they'll not risk you having to drop out at the last minute?

You'd probably be fine, but the risk that you won't be, and won't know that until very near the time, would be a foolish one for them not to try to mitigate.

daysleepers · 01/07/2023 21:04

Hmm you wouldn't know how you feel until the time comes. Each pregnancy is different. But after 32 weeks I could barely walk, which I was surprised at! Was in so much pain, even working from I struggled and DH kept telling me to go on leave sooner than later!

Good luck!

MrsElsa · 01/07/2023 21:16

It's not illegal for you to agree to do it and then closer to the time end up not doing it, e.g. you have early labour or complications. 🤔

I was very grumpy towards the end of both my pregnancies, terrible sickness, PGP (medication + weird food and drink to alleviate). Preg 1 DC came early so I had no choice. Preg 2 I ended up doing an intensive training course at 35 wks since it would be my only chance to get it paid for by my employer at the time. I was grumpy AF by that point but my POV is I'm paid for work not emotional labour so F them. To clarify, I was no ruder/indifferent than the men in my team...

You would be best placed to read up on the law that applies, ACAS or pregnant then screwed is a good place to start. You can't rely on your employer's HR having your best interests at heart, they're there to protect the company not you.

Capitalismwantsyou · 01/07/2023 21:17

Don't do it. They can't make you.

Iizzyb · 01/07/2023 21:41

By that stage you may not feel well enough to travel, you may not be well enough to run the course etc.

DS is now 10 but at the time I was the first person in my team to get pregnant and I didn't realise - nor did my boss, that by that later stage I really wouldn't have been up for something like that. I was asked to run an event 2 hours' drive away. When the time came I said no. It absolutely was the right decision.

When I got tired I was just sick. If I worked over I was sick. I would never have imagined that would happen as I was so fit at the time.

Congratulations by the war x

Iizzyb · 01/07/2023 21:42

By the way... not war!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2023 21:45

I would have a think if there are any other alternatives. Move the course to a venue closer to you. Run the course remotely. Run it a few weeks earlier. Or get another trainer.

phoenixrosehere · 01/07/2023 21:59

Considering it’s the end of November, I wouldn’t risk it due to the weather.

lanthanum · 01/07/2023 22:05

It's in their interests to organise cover from the outset, because they don't want to have to cancel it at short notice if the baby turns up early or you have any pregnancy complications.

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 01/07/2023 22:12

Definitely cancel.

Maybe it would be fine.

On the other hand, my sleep was horrendous in my 3rd trimester (actually improved after the baby came) and I was so uncomfortable all the time - pelvic girdle pain, back pain, lower buttock pain. I wouldn’t have been able to deliver something like that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/07/2023 00:54

Mushroo · 01/07/2023 20:25

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and need opinions.

Im pregnant and due at the end of December. I’ve not told work yet but I’m due to run a training course the last week of November (I’ll be 35 weeks when the course takes place) and it’s my first baby.

The training course involves me staying in a hotel in central London (2 nights) and I’ll be about 3 hours away from home on public transport / at least 4 hours driving.

So far pregnancy has been fine but I’m
feeling a little uneasy being so far away from home that late on. WIBU to ask work if someone else can run the course? (They’ll need to source someone externally so not ideal).

YABU - suck it up, you’ll be fine, you’re worrying too much
YANBU - stay home just in case

Thank you!

Tell work you're pregnant and don't do it! I did overnight conference and train at 33 weeks pregnant and it was awful. I was so tired with such bad back, especially in winter it was so cold and rainy. You've given more than enough notice

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/07/2023 00:55

You could also offer an online course

Greensheeps · 02/07/2023 01:06

It’s a hard decision as you won’t know how your pregnancy goes. I wouldn’t say you can’t do the course, just when you tell them you’re pregnant highlight that it’s a commitment you have in your schedule and obviously so close to due date perhaps they want to consider alternative options? Can the training be bought forward? Make it their problem not yours

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