AIBU to think this isn’t a funny story at all?

[NoIWillNotShutUp]

My DM raised me as a single parent from age 2, and while I know that she mostly did her best, I’m only just beginning to realise that she also did a lot of damage that I still carry with me as an adult.

I keep thinking about this story she used to tell all the time, about how when I was little, whenever people would ask my older brother what I was called, he would say “Well her name is Millicent Rose but Mummy calls her Millie Shut Up.”

She always laughed when she told this story, and really thought it was a harmless, funny anecdote.

It’s only in the last few years that I’ve begun to think that actually, it isn’t funny at all. Not even slightly.

I mean how often must she have been telling me - as a small child - to shut up, for my brother to regularly say that to people? How must that have affected me growing up? Even now, as an adult, how much do I self-police how much I talk, apologise for talking too much or for too long, or joke about how I am boring myself or how other people must be sick of the sound of my voice?

Not really sure what I’m hoping to achieve from this thread but it’s been on my mind a lot recently and just wanted to see what other people thought. Am I overthinking it, or am I right in feeling that actually, that’s a fucking awful way to treat your child?

Depend how the rest of your childhood was? Was she a good mother?

Am I overthinking it, or am I right in feeling that actually, that’s a fucking awful way to treat your child?

Why not both?
What's done is done, and if you think about how life was like for her when she was that young single mother, you may be able to understand, if not entirely forgive. The past is over, for good or bad.

But yeah, by current standards that's very sad. (Up until some time in the early 90s, society put very little importance on treasuring and nurturing children - they were things people had without really thinking too much, and then complained about!).

I would say, do whatever will be best for your future.
That may mean separating, in your mind, the ill prepared single mother yelling at toddler you, and the much older woman who you can have a completely different relationship with, adult to adult.

Take account of your childhood by all means when trying to sort your head out. But, in the unlikely event your mother brings it up, aim for frank but compassionate - "I think it did affect me quite a lot, but I realise if things had been easier for you then so much would not have been how they were". You may want to yell at her - entirely human - but it may not do anyone any good.... However bottling things up to an unreasonable level would be liable to backfire too.

How did it effect you growing up? How much do you police your speech as an adult? More than most people? You seem to be going at this backwards. Most people identify an aspect of their confidence or behaviour that's an issue and then look to find a cause, not the other way round. For what it's worth, many of us who grew up pre 90s were subject to all manner of parenting that by today's standards should have us all in therapy. While some people were impacted by it, many were not at all. So just because this happened it doesn't follow you've been harmed by it.

I don't want to turn it into a race to the bottom but if that's the worst thing from your childhood I don't see the issue, especially to be still raw about it as an adult. Were there bigger issues that you haven't mentioned? Have you had any therapy?

I think telling a child to shut up is a horrible thing to do.

I also think your brother probably kept saying it because it got a laugh.

But if your mum often made you feel small and like she didn't want you there then the fact she tells it as a funny story must be hurtful.

I think if you've grown up in an emotionally abusive or neglectful home it can be really damaging, when you give one example it often sounds small, but they're part of a wider picture and it's horrible because often you can't remember the hurtful things that were said every day because children just accept them as normal.

Sounds like there was a pattern. She must have said it a lot at the time and then she repeated it for years in the form of a joke. I’d be surprised if this didn’t effect you. Sorry for you op.

Even now, as an adult, how much do I self-police how much I talk, apologise for talking too much or for too long, or joke about how I am boring myself or how other people must be sick of the sound of my voice

I'm sorry, are you asking the question of yourself or are you saying you do all these things rhetorically?

I ask because if you've never felt that you need to keep quiet, I wouldn't start looking for a problem that may not exist. If however, you've always felt crippled and not worried about speaking your mind, then of course you're not unreasonable to question where in your childhood this came from.

You also say that your mum's parenting of was quite damaging so I'm assuming there are other things at play and I don't mean to dismiss your experiences.

*regularly not rhetorically!

Do you actually remember her saying it? Or is it just what your brother said she said?

My sister repeatedly told me I was adopted after being found on their doorstep and they decided to keep me because I was cute. Siblings can be mean.

Seems very trivial. Parents often say daft stuff.

The questions are rhetorical. I do it a lot.

And yes this is just one example that’s been on my mind recently, of what was basically a lifetime pattern of putting me down and belittling me to myself and/or to others. Among other things.

She was 40 when she and my father divorced and she died last year, so I can’t talk to her about it. But it continued right up to the end- only a week or two before she died she sent a message to a friend of hers referring to me as her wilful daughter, like I was a stroppy teenager or a particularly headstrong horse. I was 36 at the time.

I mean how often must she have been telling me - as a small child - to shut up, for my brother to regularly say that to people? How must that have affected me growing up? Even now, as an adult, how much do I self-police how much I talk, apologise for talking too much or for too long, or joke about how I am boring myself or how other people must be sick of the sound of my voice?

Is this genuinely how you think, or is this all hypothetical?

I mean, I know many people on MN think the phrase "shut up" is incredibly rude, but in many households it's just the equivalent of "be quiet Josie, mummy is busy at the moment".

You say your mum's parenting was damaging - in what ways? Is this another example of that, or is it just the way she spoke?

Unless you are going to drip feed that you were regularly beaten and thrown in the cellar or something I think you need to let it go.
It's a fairly harmless joke even by today's standard of parenting.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill myself (and some kids do yak on and on).

At the train station dm used to pretend she didn't know me and tell me to go away...

I'm in two minds about this. Is it looming larger only now because she has died and you can't get a proper perspective on it? Part of the grieving process? Or have you been suppressing it and it's bubbling up now?
To people who are saying at least she didn't beat you with a stick - there are more forms of abuse then physical beatings. Some people are driven to suicide by bullying, so please don't minimise.

T

I was a chatty child and our family script was similar. My brother is practically a mute quiet so it was a definite nasty comparison.

However, I've made my peace with it. My brother is more damaged than I ever was and my chattiness has resulted in a great career full of talking for a living!

Your mother isn't here to ask. So all you can do is work on yourself to heal.

And all the people talking about beating, there is decent evidence that smacking in a culture that accepts it as normal, has no shame attached to it, everyone else is in the same place, the parents are loving, is less damaging than occasional smacks from shaming, belittling parents who do it because they lose it. Shame, fear, belittling really affect children. OP is allowed to compare her experiences to a happier home and not to a home with physical abuse. The worst thing that happens to us is still bad, even if people have it worse.

I think that's fairly normal behaviour. It's a joke

It’s a horrible joke.

The posters who think this is funny must also feel happy to treat their kids like shit.

How do you know it wasn't your brother picking up on a joke that has been heard a million times in different forms and trying it out - and it's the fact he told a sarcastic joke so young that's the story and not that your mother was constantly saying 'shut up'?

Because the MUM used to tell the story like it was funny.

That's exactly why it could be that the story was told by her - the fact her son made a joke.

Would everyone who thinks this is fine be fine with their husband/wife telling them to shut up all the time and joking about it with other people and being told by your spouse to shut up so often when someone asks your name and you say ‘Jane’ your child says ‘but dad calls her shut up Jane’.