AIBU to think this isn’t a funny story at all?

[NoIWillNotShutUp]

My DM raised me as a single parent from age 2, and while I know that she mostly did her best, I’m only just beginning to realise that she also did a lot of damage that I still carry with me as an adult.

I keep thinking about this story she used to tell all the time, about how when I was little, whenever people would ask my older brother what I was called, he would say “Well her name is Millicent Rose but Mummy calls her Millie Shut Up.”

She always laughed when she told this story, and really thought it was a harmless, funny anecdote.

It’s only in the last few years that I’ve begun to think that actually, it isn’t funny at all. Not even slightly.

I mean how often must she have been telling me - as a small child - to shut up, for my brother to regularly say that to people? How must that have affected me growing up? Even now, as an adult, how much do I self-police how much I talk, apologise for talking too much or for too long, or joke about how I am boring myself or how other people must be sick of the sound of my voice?

Not really sure what I’m hoping to achieve from this thread but it’s been on my mind a lot recently and just wanted to see what other people thought. Am I overthinking it, or am I right in feeling that actually, that’s a fucking awful way to treat your child?

Sorry Op but yes, she sounds like she was a bit uncaring. I hope you can overlook or forgive her. I'm sure she had other things she was struggling with because being a single mother thirty or forty years ago can't have been easy. But yes, I understand why you've asked this question and I think it would definitely be eating away at me too, if I were in your place. All the best.

It's a horrible joke. Why would you retell that except to be mean?

What does your brother say about it when you ask him?

YANBU OP, and I don't think you're overthinking this at all - consistent dismissive behaviour from a parent can do a lot of damage to a child. She may have had her own struggles, and you can grant her as much grace for these as you think necessary, but that doesn't change the effect on you. You are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do.

There are other ways of asking or encouraging a child to be quiet for a moment without telling them to shut up so if that's what your mother did then it's not pleasant but you do seem to be looking for a problem.

You have asked lots of questions which you don't seem to have any answers to. If this had been instrumental in you developing a pattern of behaviour which was unhelpful to you then wouldn't you have recognised it by now?

If you have identified a pattern of behaviour which you attribute to the way you mother spoke to you what are you going to do about it now? Your mother can no longer offer clarification or an apology and even if she could it would still be up to you to do the work to address any residual problems which arose from your childhood. That might sound unfair but it's simply true, no one else can 'fix you'.

It's hard to determine if your mother was an averagely flawed human being who made mistakes or a truly terrible mother.

I relate OP. My family nicknamed me 'contrary Mary' when I was a little girl because I always had my own thoughts on things. I was penalised and laughed at just for being assertive and having opinions. Kind of funny but my brother wasn't treated the same.

Do you remember her telling you to shut up a lot? It actually sounds like a stupid joke your brother might have heard on TV and your mum heard him say it and thought it was very clever and funny so kept telling the story. It's hard to know without knowing more about your childhood but it does sound like you might be overthinking it

It isn’t a nice story to tell no. I’m sorry you have felt belittled growing up OP. You can work on the things that hold you back.

I agree with you, it's really awful.
Must have been very hurtful. What is your relationship with your brother now?

The thing is, a 'joke' is only funny if everyone is laughing. Sounds to me as if you didn't find it funny. I guess the problem is that if you didn't tell her it wasn't funny to you how was she to know? But it sounds as if this was a piece of a bigger pattern, so it probably wouldn't have made any difference if you had. Since it's too late to do anything about it now, you'll have to find your peace with the way your mother treated you. And by peace I don't mean 'accepting' it, I mean finding a place for it it your 'head' and putting it there. With counseling if needed.

As far as saying you're 'willful', by God I'd take that as a compliment! You had a mother who put you down and you must have pushed back enough for her to know that she couldn't push you around, at least not all the time! If she wanted to call that being 'willful' that would be fine with me!

My mum used to tell me to shut up all the time. I wasn’t a gobshite, she just didn’t want to listen to me after teaching all day.
It has affected me, I’ll be talking and then become very paranoid that I’ve been talking too long, even if the people I’m talking to are engaged and interested in what I’m saying.
I’m not saying that my mum was abusive, not by any means, but I am very aware of what it does to children to always be told to shut up. which is why my eldest can talk the hind leg off a donkey! 😂

Likely your brother heard it once or twice, and kept repeating this phrase because he got a laugh.
Honestly, nothing you’ve said sounds that bad. unless there’s a massive drip feed coming…she called you wilful when you were 36. So what?
there’s a trend lately of nitpicking by every aspect of parenting people have experienced and tearing it apart. I feel sorry for parents from the 80s and 90s to be honest.

I'm a similar age to you and my mum still calls me things almost identical to "wilful". I dislike it but ignore mostly. Is it playing on your mind so much because you've lost her?

I suppose I'm struggling to understand from your posts whether you feel the specific examples you've given have deeply scarred you / marred your life or if you're mulling them over as part of a larger reckoning of your childhood?

Honestly? I think the probably just have very different personalities.

I suspect your mum is a bit more stoic and light hearted whereas, from what you've said, perhaps you're more literal and sensitive.

You can spend the next few decades overanalysing your mum's approach, or you can accept she did her best and loved you, and move on.

I'm not the perfect parent; few are. Don't torture yourself.

I don't think you can assume that because your brother said it, it was a constant refrain.

But also - that is just how some families talk. The exact language does not always tell you how things were actually meant. Some families speak in very crude ways but in a very loving close context. Others can be excruciatingly correct and polite but distant and belittling.

Whatever the case, people and parents aren't perfect, nor is it possible to always judge how what we say as parents will be interpreted by children. As an adult, you are responsible for yourself.

If what your mother said to you was seriously damaging you would have remembered it and would not have to search your mind for it like this. Let it go. You probably have enough to deal with than to go looking for more.

It was a different time where kids had fewer rights and violence against kids was acceptable.

So your mum probably thought she was “better” than the peopke who were beating and starving their kids, or leaving them alone.

There was literally a saying “children should be seen and not heard”. Was she generally loving?

I think historical context is important. I can relate to families telling “funny” stories about child neglect and abuse though. As if that child wasn’t human. Appalling.

I would think this is funny if my parent said it.

Your brother probably said it once, everyone laughed and so repeated it. May well have been your mum had said it once that morning, or not even at all.

Ds called his big sister "Urry" for about a year. Her name is nothing like that. People often asked if I was always telling her to hurry up, but firstly I wasn't because she wasn't one to keep me waiting, secondly it isn't a phrase I use and lastly, if I had, surely he'd have called her "Urry-up".