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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore or nurture the relationship?

30 replies

anon11aa · 30/06/2023 20:21

My DD started nursery later in the year than others as we moved, every day she mentioned another girl she plays (let’s call her Katie) with all the time. I asked nursery to put us in contact and nursery gave my number to the mum. She never called me. I chased up a few times but nursery very rightly told me there’s nothing they can do except keep giving my number and telling her I’m keen on a play date. I left it then ss didn’t want to appear needy.

The other girl had a birthday party for 4th birthday but didn’t invite my daughter all okay and I decided to get in contact with other mums instead and had play dates with other of kids so it was all okay. My daughter had already turned 4 when she joined nursery so there was no whole class party I could do.

well yesterday there was a welcome meeting in my daughters new school (nursery was a private one so not school one). My daughter goes running to this girl and said this is Katie. Both girls were hugging and holding hands and looking so cute! I chatted to the mum and she was nice enough and said yes she’s aware I tried to get in touch but she lost my number and couldn’t remember my name. I thought it’s all okay and we chatted. It turns out only our kids got into the school and no one else from nursery is there, I know lots of the other parents as my eldest son already in school and lots of the kids in the year are younger siblings. When she realised I know so many people she wanted to exchange numbers and talked about meet-ups etc. with me and if I can invite the other mums so will be a group of us before school starts to make it easier for her daughter to settle in come September.

I was all okay with this but coming home and thinking about this it feels really upsetting that she didn’t want to get to know me but all of a sudden is so interested. What would you do? Just for context I suffer from childhood trauma/neglect and this really hurt my feelings that she didn’t get in touch but now she wants something she’s being very friendly, do you understand where my hurt feelings are coming from and should I even try to get to know her or not?

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 30/06/2023 20:27

Your daughters are going to be in the same class and are already firm friends. Just be pleasant and friendly and see what happens. I wouldn’t necessarily respond to a request for a play date from a parent I’d never met so don’t hold it against her.

JMSA · 30/06/2023 20:30

Aww, bless you OP. I can totally see where you're coming from. She does sound like a bit of a user. It's lovely that your girls are flogging to be in the same class and it makes sense to get on. But I'd maybe take a step back now and let her come back to you.

Original poster
anon11aa · 30/06/2023 20:31

I just feel her excuse was a little pathetic thst she lost my number and couldn’t remember my name. She could have asked the nursery or been honest that she didn’t have the time etc.

OP posts:
JMSA · 30/06/2023 20:31

Flogging!? Hmm
going

JMSA · 30/06/2023 20:33

anon11aa · 30/06/2023 20:31

I just feel her excuse was a little pathetic thst she lost my number and couldn’t remember my name. She could have asked the nursery or been honest that she didn’t have the time etc.

I hear you. And I totally agree.
But on the positive side, maybe she feels more comfortable to do it now because she has met you. And likes you. Maybe she felt awkward about contacting a stranger for a play date.

Original poster
anon11aa · 30/06/2023 20:34

@JMSA problem now is I’ve been really warm to her on the text and said I’m so happy to have got in contact with her etc etc. I’m a really warm and loving person (stems from having been neglected my entire childhood) and get really close to people quickly. But I’m trying to change and I’m thinking she was really nasty ignoring my requests to meet up and exchange numbers but now as it will benefit her and daughter she wants to get in contact, her eyes especially lit up with I told her I don’t work. I think she’s thinking how useful I can be to her now!

OP posts:
JMSA · 30/06/2023 20:38

Yeah, I get that. But I would start things with a clean slate and give her a chance. She may step up. Or she may turn out to be every inch of the chancer that you suspect her to be.
Time will tell.
But new school year, new start! Just try not to fixate on it too much.

Original poster
anon11aa · 30/06/2023 20:39

thank you @JMSA

OP posts:
JMSA · 30/06/2023 20:41

Good luck. I'm a warm person too and it can be hard when others don't live up to expectation. But honestly, the resentment just isn't worth it! Flowers

LadyTemperance · 30/06/2023 20:44

I would arrange to meet up and get your girls together. I wouldn’t necessarily invite other mums. If she wants to be friendly with you she will be responsive. Get her another chance but be on your guard so to speak.

GlassWall · 30/06/2023 20:46

You’re wildly overreacting, OP. You were a total stranger who was repeatedly messaging her about a play date, and probably came across as potentially needy and intense. Now she’s met you, realises you’re perfectly nice, and in fact have other friends in the context of school, so it’s not that you’re looking for something exclusive, she’s happy to arrange a play date, as the girls still get on. I don’t see that she’s done anything wrong.

Dacadactyl · 30/06/2023 20:55

I don't think you're overreacting and you're right to view her with some suspicion.

HOWEVER, I would give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion because like others have said, maybe she felt awkward contacting a stranger etc.

But dont do too much running for her. Let her make a lot of the effort now.

batsandeggs · 30/06/2023 20:55

I can understand your confusion but honestly you don’t know anything about her circumstances or why she didn’t respond. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Your two girls are clearly very close so focus on that and don’t let your feelings toward the mum impact that. In the grand scheme of it, it doesn’t matter at all.

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/06/2023 20:57

Warm and friendly can often be a tad full on for some people.
I think you past is informing your quite intense response to this.
You know nothing about this woman, nor what was going on for her at the time you were trying to get in touch with her.
Some people feel more at ease in groups rather than one to one.

Original poster
anon11aa · 01/07/2023 07:17

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
anon11aa · 01/07/2023 07:18

Out of curiosity why is being nice and friendly “being full on”?

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 01/07/2023 07:46

Completely agree that this isn't one to overthink and start concluding she's nasty and a user while you're so warm and loving. That's all too full on for what's actually going on here.

Sounds like she works so will have less time for focusing on her DD's nursery social life. It's perfectly possible that she lost your number and forgot your name and was less invested in arranging playdates via a new mum she'd never met. Course it's different now you've met and are the only ones from that nursery in this reception. She's being friendly and who knows if she'll be a future piss-taker or flake. Who knows if you'll be too demanding and over-analyse these school relationships? It's pretty certain there'll be ups and downs in your DCs' friendship so it would be healthy of you both to keep things light and unemotional anyway.

Persiana · 01/07/2023 07:56

I get where you are coming from, when you needed someone to respond in a friendly way it wasn't forthcoming, but now she needs you to and so you feel a bit conflicted.
I think you're right to be a bit cautious, and I would let the balance be more her coming to you, but don't block chances for your dd and hers to get together if they get on. Its not your job to facilitate her getting to know other families though- she's not your friend so why would you introduce her as if she is?
I think you do try to keep your emotions under watch on this one, so past experiences don't colour present relationships (I am guilty of this too). If over time she seems genuine then no harm done, and you may even find you get on. BUT, you as adults don't have to be friends to enable the two girls to be friends, plus friendships will change over the course of school so this may all end up being something or nothing!

HAF1119 · 01/07/2023 07:58

I'd try to remove yourself/your feelings and roll with whatever your daughter wants. If she wants a play date etc I'd do it for her, I'd probably do a solo one to start with and see how it goes from there if you do a group one or not

Original poster
anon11aa · 01/07/2023 08:12

It was really sad though when my DD kept saying it’s Katie’s birthday soon as she wants a unicorn you. My DD kept asking if it was x day as that’s Katie’s birthday party day. She didn’t even invite us even though the girls are best friends and apparently only play with each other as nursery teacher told me. But she seemed to have invited everyone apart from my daughter!

OP posts:
Original poster
anon11aa · 01/07/2023 08:13

*unicorn teddy

OP posts:
greysockmissing · 01/07/2023 08:14

You felt rejected so you are projecting thoughts and motivations on to this woman. They may or may not be true but you do know.

For all you know she did lose your number & maybe her life was so hectic she didn't spend time and energy chasing up a random strangers number. That's ok.
Maybe she was depressed, bereaved, socially anxious etc - there may be tons of reasons why she didn't want to message you for a play date back then. You don't know. She doesn't need to tell you now either.

Just give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Don't worry she is using you. You can always just stop obliging if you feel that way later.

I expect you have put a lot more thought into this potential relationship than she has. You don't have to be friends just friendly. Your daughters may not even stay friends so the angst about something that didn't happen a while ago pisn't worth it.

crazeekat · 01/07/2023 18:39

kind sit on the fence with this one. i'd feel kinda hurt too if i were u especially when u had been nice etc, and kids were supposedly close, but, i'm sorry i'm the antisocial mum that feels any
mum on the playground totally happy smiley full of joy and in my fave and full
on kind of makes me want to run for miles (and i'm honestly saying it jokingly but sometimes it really is too much). and i'd be like ffs if someeone repeatedly phoning me and not taking the hint if that's what i was trying to do haha x
i'm kinda suspicious that she is now wanting to be pals when she found out u know a lot of people and don't work. comes across as a bit of is she gonna use u to get herself known ?? then dump u when she meets new folk??
but again im one for making new
mates a lot i keep my circle very small, even tho i have two primary school kids.
only time will tell but im kinda saying give her a chance, it's true u don't know the reasons properly and she's told u her excuses so take it as they are and if she is gonna be a bit of a user then she will show her true colours in time. or she could be really nice person and you can have a good friendship down the line with the kids who knows but she knows where u are now so don't push things and chase her. i understand the childhood issues too it's hard to
not take it personal but just take it slow the kids will
direct you and hey they will meet new friends too and might not even bother too much about each other shortly x

Boomboom22 · 01/07/2023 18:49

Sounds like she thought your daughter wasn't a suitable friend and now she's met you realised you have contacts wants to talk. I'd be a bit wary but if her child is yout daughter's close friend see how it goes.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/07/2023 18:56

She's a user, OP. There are tons of them in every school yard. At least you know now. Your daughter will make many many new friends and most of them will have lovely mums.

I reckon this woman will invite your daughter to play then immediately hit you with a request to help her in some way. It will involve unpaid childcare.

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