To ignore or nurture the relationship?

[anon11aa]

My DD started nursery later in the year than others as we moved, every day she mentioned another girl she plays (let’s call her Katie) with all the time. I asked nursery to put us in contact and nursery gave my number to the mum. She never called me. I chased up a few times but nursery very rightly told me there’s nothing they can do except keep giving my number and telling her I’m keen on a play date. I left it then ss didn’t want to appear needy.

The other girl had a birthday party for 4th birthday but didn’t invite my daughter all okay and I decided to get in contact with other mums instead and had play dates with other of kids so it was all okay. My daughter had already turned 4 when she joined nursery so there was no whole class party I could do.

well yesterday there was a welcome meeting in my daughters new school (nursery was a private one so not school one). My daughter goes running to this girl and said this is Katie. Both girls were hugging and holding hands and looking so cute! I chatted to the mum and she was nice enough and said yes she’s aware I tried to get in touch but she lost my number and couldn’t remember my name. I thought it’s all okay and we chatted. It turns out only our kids got into the school and no one else from nursery is there, I know lots of the other parents as my eldest son already in school and lots of the kids in the year are younger siblings. When she realised I know so many people she wanted to exchange numbers and talked about meet-ups etc. with me and if I can invite the other mums so will be a group of us before school starts to make it easier for her daughter to settle in come September.

I was all okay with this but coming home and thinking about this it feels really upsetting that she didn’t want to get to know me but all of a sudden is so interested. What would you do? Just for context I suffer from childhood trauma/neglect and this really hurt my feelings that she didn’t get in touch but now she wants something she’s being very friendly, do you understand where my hurt feelings are coming from and should I even try to get to know her or not?

To be fair when my dc were in private nursery life was hectic as they were there for me to work, early starts, late pick ups etc. When they started school I changed my working pattern and was more available for play dates etc. When eldest was at nursery I had dc 2, life got even more frantic.
Plus I wouldn't have invested time in a nursery friendship as it's so fleeting, but school relationships last a lot longer so are worth the effort.
Don't overthink it, if the girls want to be fiends then facilitate that, it's for their benefit not yours.

I agree with those saying just put your DD first here. If she likes Katie and Katie is nice, then who cares about the mum? You don't need to be best friends just because your Dd's are. It's also possible that this lady has trauma too - but I do think it was very weird of her not invite your DD to the birthday. Was it after you'd tried to get in touch? Maybe she got embarrassed that she hadn't been touch and couldn't face you. Today she had no choice! I would let it all lie for now and start from scratch but be a bit wary.

I do think you have every right to be a bit hurt, I would be with no trauma, and I would hold back a bit emotionally but not in your actions iyswim. Arrange playdates, look after Katie on the odd occasion, invite her to birthdays, keep mum in the loop with class socials. But you don't need to be overly warm or loving or confide your secrets to her.

Ummmm I think you are right to be wary. I suspect this this woman is a user. I have met her type before. You are right she could have got in touch via the nursery if she lost your number. And it was mean not to invite your daughter to the party when they are clearly such good friends.

I think keep it light for your daughter's sake, but don't go chasing the mum's attention. You have the upper hand here, remember her change when she realised you could be useful to her. You can be pleasant, sociable, arrange playdates for the girls but don't go all in as she is likely to use you as a stepping stone once she feels more established.

She never called me. I chased up a few times but nursery very rightly told me there’s nothing they can do except keep giving my number and telling her I’m keen on a play date

See this would be way out of my comfort zone. There's no way I'd have called you.

However I'm happy to meet other parents and let organic relationships form.

This