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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner disclosing all my business to everyone

36 replies

bunny2023 · 30/06/2023 13:35

I do not have the best relationship with my on/off partner.
But for the sake of the baby I agreed to try with him, but I am still so unhappy and miserable with him.

I have had brown discharge on at least three occasions now and it has been so scary for me.
On the second occasion about two weeks ago, I went into A and E on my own.

When I got back ( A and E were useless and made me come back the next day ) my partner had told me he would be flying out to Greece as his brother had just told him he had booked him a surprise holiday and would he flying out the next day.
Thankfully I had gone for a private scan and all was OK.

The same day I was due to go back to the hospital.
I was fuming, like who books a holiday for someone and gives a day notice?
Partner says he was annoyed, but he still went.

I had to go to the hospital all on my own.
I havent told anyone but my sister ( who lives in a different city ) and I really needed him to support me.

Then my partner tells his brother about the brown discharge asking if any of the mother of his kids have had it.
I felt completely violated, he shared something so personal.

Partner has told pretty much everyone of the pregnancy when I wanted to wait to 20 weeks ( I am 16 weeks and 4 days ).
We had agreed to only tell my sister and his brother.

We had agreed that we would tell all close family and friends at the 20 week mark.

At the last scan on Wednesday he has pink eye which is contagious and I am fuming that he came when he is so ill and putting me and the baby at risk.

I have decided that I would rather just cut him of and get someone else to come to my appointments with me.
I feel as if I cannot trust him at all as everything I tell him he just tells everyone.

I defo do not want him at the birth as I know all personal and private details would be shared as with everything else and I am a self conscious person as it is anyway.

What struck out to me the most was that on Sunday when he was rushed to hospital with his lump and eye I offered to come straight away, he has never offered me that all the times I have been hospital with issues relating to the pregnancy unless it is a scan ( he did come to my booking appointment though ).

I told my midwife all this at my 16 week appointment this week and she had referred me for some mental health support.

I dont know if I am being unreasonable and expecting to much or it is my partner the one in the wrong.

I just needed to vent as I just feel so alone and unsupported.

Thanks in advance for any replies xx

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 30/06/2023 13:40

Stop trying with this man. He’s a twat and you don’t like him. He’s not interested in the pregnancy and he doesn’t seem to care about you.

End the relationship, don’t put him on the birth certificate, claim CMS.

Imogensmumma · 30/06/2023 13:43

Was it actually an agreement on 20 weeks or is that what you prefer?

I can tell you if you are finding things difficult with a partner when pregnant they are 100 times worse once a baby is around. So personally I would say find a way to live on your own and be prepared to be a single parent as it currently sounds like you aren’t a team anyway

RoseslnTheHospital · 30/06/2023 13:44

He's not really your partner. He isn't acting as if he is in a genuine partnership with you.

I would go forwards with not inviting him to appointments or the birth if you don't want to. Forget the relationship with him, and think about whether he is likely to be involved in your child's life once they are born.

Original poster
bunny2023 · 30/06/2023 13:46

Hi @Imogensmumma yes we both agreed to wait until the 20 week scan.

Your right we are not a team, he does what he wants and everything seems to be on his terms.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 30/06/2023 13:48

You are having a baby with someone who is clearly disinterested in the both of you. Seek out counselling through your midwife and have an honest conversation about whether you want to go forward with your pregnancy and if you do what support would be available to you as a single parent because this relationship does not have a bright future. I don't mean for this to come across as harsh but when you're bringing an innocent into the world then you need to get your shit together.

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 30/06/2023 13:48

Are you actually together? You say you're on again off again.

How long had you been together?

Reugny · 30/06/2023 13:49

But for the sake of the baby I agreed to try with him, but I am still so unhappy and miserable with him.

This is the worse thing you can do for your baby and yourself.

If you are unhappy and miserable then it will get worse and your baby will feel the atmosphere between you.

Dump him.

And get someone else to accompany to hospital appointments and to be your birthing partner.

Tell your midwives that he is not welcome to visit you if you are kept in for the birth, and have someone stay with you for at least 2 days after you have given birth to keep him away.

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/06/2023 13:49

Was he scared that something was wrong with his baby and therefore turning to his brother for advice - seems fair enough tbh.

Very odd that someone would book a holiday for someone else and give one days notice, I think there’s probably more to that.

He had conjunctivitis- hardly a threat to the pregnancy.

I would be upset he told people before you both agreed to, did he want to do this or was this more your decision that he had to go along with? Each to their own but I can understand why someone might think 20 weeks was a bit of overkill.

Overall it’s sounds to me like you are overreacting a bit.

Alleycat1 · 30/06/2023 13:52

Sorry, I do not believe that he only had one day notice of a holiday. What about time off from work? Has he really gone with his brother?
He sounds a complete loose-lipped waste of space. Don't put his name on the.birth certificate, don't let him in the delivery room, tell him nothing personal. In fact, dump the idiot.

GoldDuster · 30/06/2023 13:52

For the sake of the baby you agreed to make yourself miserable? He's not interested, he's not your partner. Make your decisions based on this, not what you wish things were like.

LittleOwl153 · 30/06/2023 13:53

Do you love with him? If you do use the time he is away to change that. At that point yes cut him off (- it will be very difficult to do in the same house!)

Find some new support and let him know after baby has arrived. You do not need the stress of this selfish creature.

vacances · 30/06/2023 13:55

Hi OP. Just going on what you have said here, he only asked his brother about the brown discharge. Maybe he was worried and wanted reassurance it's fairly normal? He did not announce it to 'everyone.' Discharge is fairly normal by the way. I had actual bleeding with one of mine for weeks and still, all was fine. It's not embarrassing. It just happens sometimes.

I'm not sure you can blame him for being contagious with this eye thing.

Going on a holiday with a day's notice like that is quite odd. He sounds a bit all-over-the-place, but you know him best.

Throwncrumbs · 30/06/2023 13:57

He asked his brother if ‘any of the mothers of his kids ever had this’ …..he and his brother sound like two wastes of space…run as fast as you can from this manchild before you end up being just a mother of his kids !

vacances · 30/06/2023 13:58

'He asked his brother if ‘any of the mothers of his kids ever had this’

Oh. Missed that.

Scienceadvisory · 30/06/2023 14:00

Conjunctivitis isn't harmful to pregnant women or their unborn babies so you don't need to worry about that. And with the discharge thing I don't think it was unreasonable for him to seek reassurance from his brother. I would hope he would support you if you felt the need to discuss pregnancy concerns with your sister.

The rest of his behaviour though is concerning. Is this typical of his brother booking a holiday for them both with only one day's notice? Because it is v weired. Who could guarantee time off work for a start?

And if he is making you miserable now then that won't improve with the baby.

Original poster
bunny2023 · 30/06/2023 14:05

We have been together for 10 years and have broken up in between, I agreed to try again.

I had hoped the baby would bring us closer together.

Yeah I thought it was very strange with being told of a holiday on a Monday and then flying out the next day.
Partner was apparently able to just drop everything and just go.

It wasnt even a holiday, his brother is a DJ and had 3 gigs in Corfu and didnt want to go alone for 5 days.

For him being so concerned about the brown discharge surely he would of not gone on holiday and instead gone with me to the hospital instead of broadcasting the news.

We both agreed together to wait until 20 weeks.

Then when he got back a day before Father's Day he was expecting something and was annoyed that I had blocked him and didnt speak to him on Father's Day.

I used to love him, but now I just so resentful and angry towards him all the time.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 30/06/2023 14:08

bunny2023 · 30/06/2023 14:05

We have been together for 10 years and have broken up in between, I agreed to try again.

I had hoped the baby would bring us closer together.

Yeah I thought it was very strange with being told of a holiday on a Monday and then flying out the next day.
Partner was apparently able to just drop everything and just go.

It wasnt even a holiday, his brother is a DJ and had 3 gigs in Corfu and didnt want to go alone for 5 days.

For him being so concerned about the brown discharge surely he would of not gone on holiday and instead gone with me to the hospital instead of broadcasting the news.

We both agreed together to wait until 20 weeks.

Then when he got back a day before Father's Day he was expecting something and was annoyed that I had blocked him and didnt speak to him on Father's Day.

I used to love him, but now I just so resentful and angry towards him all the time.

It seems like a mix of him being a bit of dick but in all honesty you being pretty difficult as well.

Very deep rooted relationship problems, you should think about couples therapy to get you out of this cycle and what seems to be like a battle of wills and/or control.

Fannieannie63 · 30/06/2023 14:09

I’ve just had a row with dh about this. I had a stroke May 15th. He keeps coming home from dog walks saying, “a woman on his dog walk says her husband has had a stroke and …” or a bloke on his walk says,”his wife…” Now people don’t randomly come up to you and talk about their dh or dw stroke unless you have told them your dw has had one too. I’ve only lived here 3 years and know no one so I told him that he shouldn’t be telling people my story as it’s mine to tell! Needless to say he was off with me but I don’t care! He needs to stop telling people that I don’t know about my private life. I’ve stood my ground and told him no!

Stratocumulus · 30/06/2023 14:10

You’re in a bit of an emotional pickle with a man who is not working as a team with you.
I doubt this will change when baby arrives.

Who on this earth goes on a foreign holiday at such short notice? Sounds a big suspect.

He should respect your privacy regarding your health and keep his mouth shut. You are perfectly entitled to have him respect your wishes about that. If he had erectile disfunction due to a medical issue, would he approve of you sharing that?

You’ve had some good advice on here about dumping him. Do that and start afresh.

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

You will mature a lot from now on. Especially when baby comes and you become a mother. Sadly at this point in his life I don’t think he will ever be the dad you Wouk’s wish for the baby.

I hope your confinement goes well. Exciting and fulfilling days ahead lie ahead so plough your own furrow without that selfish twit hanging around.

Original poster
bunny2023 · 30/06/2023 14:11

Scienceadvisory · 30/06/2023 14:00

Conjunctivitis isn't harmful to pregnant women or their unborn babies so you don't need to worry about that. And with the discharge thing I don't think it was unreasonable for him to seek reassurance from his brother. I would hope he would support you if you felt the need to discuss pregnancy concerns with your sister.

The rest of his behaviour though is concerning. Is this typical of his brother booking a holiday for them both with only one day's notice? Because it is v weired. Who could guarantee time off work for a start?

And if he is making you miserable now then that won't improve with the baby.

Sorry for TMI, but the brown discharge only happens a day or so after when I am extremely constipated and have painful BM, that is what I did not want sharing with anyone, especially someone I know.

Yes hie brother will often just drop things on him last minute and expects partner to be free.

There have been many times at midnight when we have been asleep and his brother will call him and expect him to come with him to a DJ set.

Partner is self employed but works for a firm and is able to get time off.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 30/06/2023 14:12

It sounds like you would be better off doing this on your own. A baby will not bring you closer together. Don’t give the baby his surname or have a look through the threads on here with so many regretting it when they did. If you intend to move areas do it before the baby is born as he can stop you moving far away after.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 30/06/2023 14:15

Irritateandunreasonable · 30/06/2023 13:49

Was he scared that something was wrong with his baby and therefore turning to his brother for advice - seems fair enough tbh.

Very odd that someone would book a holiday for someone else and give one days notice, I think there’s probably more to that.

He had conjunctivitis- hardly a threat to the pregnancy.

I would be upset he told people before you both agreed to, did he want to do this or was this more your decision that he had to go along with? Each to their own but I can understand why someone might think 20 weeks was a bit of overkill.

Overall it’s sounds to me like you are overreacting a bit.

Nah she’s not, other threads. He’s a dickhead.

Summerishere123 · 30/06/2023 14:19

I don't think him seeking mutual experiences through his brother is that bad. He sounds concerned. And you kicked off that he came to hospital with pink eye even though you complain he hadn't come to others. Damned if he does...

That said, you don't like him and he doesn't sound like a good or willing partner. The best thing you can do is end this before the baby comes so you know where you stand.

HarrisJu · 30/06/2023 14:22

You thought a baby would bring you closer together?

Even the best relationships are strained after having a baby. I think you need to plan your life as a single mum.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/06/2023 14:24

I think that's crap about his brother booking for him. Nobody would do that, particularly at such short notice.

Honestly he sounds awful. I would not want him anywhere near me or my medical records.

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