Partner disclosing all my business to everyone

[bunny2023]

I do not have the best relationship with my on/off partner.
But for the sake of the baby I agreed to try with him, but I am still so unhappy and miserable with him.

I have had brown discharge on at least three occasions now and it has been so scary for me.
On the second occasion about two weeks ago, I went into A and E on my own.

When I got back ( A and E were useless and made me come back the next day ) my partner had told me he would be flying out to Greece as his brother had just told him he had booked him a surprise holiday and would he flying out the next day.
Thankfully I had gone for a private scan and all was OK.

The same day I was due to go back to the hospital.
I was fuming, like who books a holiday for someone and gives a day notice?
Partner says he was annoyed, but he still went.

I had to go to the hospital all on my own.
I havent told anyone but my sister ( who lives in a different city ) and I really needed him to support me.

Then my partner tells his brother about the brown discharge asking if any of the mother of his kids have had it.
I felt completely violated, he shared something so personal.

Partner has told pretty much everyone of the pregnancy when I wanted to wait to 20 weeks ( I am 16 weeks and 4 days ).
We had agreed to only tell my sister and his brother.

We had agreed that we would tell all close family and friends at the 20 week mark.

At the last scan on Wednesday he has pink eye which is contagious and I am fuming that he came when he is so ill and putting me and the baby at risk.

I have decided that I would rather just cut him of and get someone else to come to my appointments with me.
I feel as if I cannot trust him at all as everything I tell him he just tells everyone.

I defo do not want him at the birth as I know all personal and private details would be shared as with everything else and I am a self conscious person as it is anyway.

What struck out to me the most was that on Sunday when he was rushed to hospital with his lump and eye I offered to come straight away, he has never offered me that all the times I have been hospital with issues relating to the pregnancy unless it is a scan ( he did come to my booking appointment though ).

I told my midwife all this at my 16 week appointment this week and she had referred me for some mental health support.

I dont know if I am being unreasonable and expecting to much or it is my partner the one in the wrong.

I just needed to vent as I just feel so alone and unsupported.

Thanks in advance for any replies xx

Moving forward, you need a plan of action for postpartum.

You will be in a state of undress with postpartum bleeding and often severe pain from birth. If he's as disrespectful for your privacy and dignity now you can guarantee the level of detail will be shared about how clean your home won't be and all that's included.

Health visitors visit regularly unless you decline. They will assess you and your home and may look around so if he's there on visits they may bring up details of your birth which you need to decide if he should know.

He may also be oblivious to the mother-baby dyad which means your baby needs to be on you for weeks and near you for at least the first year. The reason I remind you is that he might think it helpful to put her in a pram and hand her over to a relative so you can have time away from her which is extremely damaging.

Think what works now and what you need to put in place to protect your sanity and dignity.

@bunny2023 well I'd be just annoyed at the midwife for referring you to mental health support just because your partner's a twat. They can use poor mental health against you when you have a baby and if there ends up being a custody battle in court, so personally, if this was me, I'd be telling her "no thank you, I do not have a mental health issue, I have an inconsiderate partner issue".

I'd not be in a relationship with him and keep details to yourself in future as he clearly can't be trusted with your own private business.

So many people seem to think what is happening to a pregnant woman's body is public information 🙄

Mental health support doesn't mean people think you're crazy. It can help you find the conviction you need in order to leave the twat 'partner'. Clearly, you already know he is not the one for you, he won't give you the support you need.

Awful advice! As much as he’s pissed her off hormones are raging pregnant, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will be a shit dad! He has as much right to that child as the op! She’s not saying he’s volatile/violent etc!

Ridiculous people like you are what’s wrong with this world kids aren’t toys or pawns last I checked we aren’t hermaphrodites either! No men no baby! It’s science.

After 10 years of his shitty behaviour why would you expect him to change his personality OP.

I get it’s frustrating OP my dh thought it was his duty to panic spew to everyone at spitting distance that I was on a two week urgent cancer referral path for cervical cancer! Not something I wanted all and sundry knowing tbh! I felt like killing him…once everything calmed down and I was cleared and given the ok he sobbed that he was extremely frightened and didn’t know what to do!

I think he was scared something was wrong with you or the baby foolishly panicked and spoke about it to someone close to him…It does however sound like you no longer want the relationship which is fine but your child which is both yours and his will need both parents so what I’d suggest is separate ways amicably and work out how to coparent.

Rather than changing between on/off Make it off permanently
You have tried but it's making you miserable
Being a couple for the baby's sake does not work as you're not a team
He's not even interested
Don't invite him to the birth choose a birth partner you can rely on
Of course he will be entitled to access but I'd be doubtful if he'd want this
Claim child maintenance and be a single parent You and DC will have a better life without him in it

@Babsexxx AS the OP…

I had hoped the baby would bring us closer together.

As far as I know, no-one who has ever uttered these words has achieved the result they wanted, I feel so sorry for the babies in these instances. A major life event: marriage/death/baby, shouldn't be the catalyst to make you both happy together, you either are now or you aren't.

He won't change into the person you want him to be.

Re: him sharing info, well it's his baby too! He has every right to discuss it just like you do.

Re: him in general, I'd say he's a selfish loser who should be putting you & the baby first.

Thank you for all the advice and replies.
I have taken on board all the comments and a lot of you have only said what I have been thinking/ felt for a long time.

I just didnt want to admit it to myself.

The strange thing is that my now ex wanted me to get pregnant but anyway I have told him the relationship is over and have set some boundaries with him.

He told me that he would quite happy to look after the baby himself and asked if I knew that " he would still be able to go out with his brother once a month as one of his sisters or his mother would be more than happy to look after the baby".

He is such a nasty man, he has said that if I cut him off he will just look for me as he does not understand that I find communicating with him so stressful.
He is not physically abusive but very emotionally abusive.

Thanks again to everyone who replied xxx