Six weeks paternity.

[Raven11]

I wasn’t sure where to post this as I don’t think DP is being unreasonable of such, but maybe I’m a bit unreasonable as I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there who would love their partners to be ‘too keen’.

We’re expecting our first baby in the autumn and we’re both very excited. DP is honestly one of the most caring men I have ever met and he’s taking his role as dad very seriously. Sometimes he’s a little too keen: I was going out to a mum and bump coffee meeting and he panicked as he didn’t book it off work. I know full well how lucky I am to have him every step of the way (and to have him waiting on me hand and foot!)

However, he’s taking six weeks paternity leave when the baby is born. As we’ve already had our main holiday this year he’ll be taking the majority of his left over annual leave and using his bank holiday days too. That essentially leaves six months without any annual leave. As his work is fairly flexible (he works from home the majority of the time) he’ll be able to get any medical appointments/baby appointments off in that time but no actual leave.

This is probably where I’m being unreasonable I’m more worried/being selfish that I’m not sure how I’ll cope with having him around for 6 weeks as honestly we’ve only ever spent a full couple of weeks together. He’s also quite intense with us spending time together; he likes us to be in the same room, or if I go out to the supermarket he’ll usually prefer to come too.

I’m planning on breast feeding and while he tries his best with domestic tasks he’s not great (he can throw a pasta together with a jar of sauce or cook beige food in the oven) and he’ll mop the floor if I ask him to but he always needs directing. Female members of my family have offered/will come and help but they don’t want to step on his toes. I’m not sure if I’m being completely naive here but I can imagine him being bit of a spare part for six weeks and then it being an absolute slog until next spring without any annual leave. Or shall I just suck it up as it’s his baby too and I should count my lucky stars that he’s keen to spend as much time as possible with baby.

Ive tried hinting/suggesting other ideas with his leave and he seems pretty set on six week paternity once baby is born.

I'd advise 2 weeks once baby is born. Go back to work for 2 weeks and then take another 2 weeks off personally.

I get where you are coming from. A better solution would be say 4 weeks then he has days left.
It would be nice to have days out when baby a little older.

A lot of people at my work take 6 weeks paternity leave. Your DP will also be entitled to some unpaid parental leave so can he use some of that? I think it is wonderful how enthusiastic and happy he is about baby’s arrival.

Completely agree with all the PP saying NOW is the time for him to start practising - coordinating the online shopping, looking up example timetables for cleaning so he can make sure the house is sorted, practising proper cooking so he can get a repertoire of dishes together.

Don't you be looking up the organised mum method- he can do that.

He needs to learn to cook/clean. Pronto.

Wouldn't 4 weeks be better. You can pitch is as taking another 2 weeks later on to enjoy first family holiday etc.

My DH took 4 weeks and honestly I cried the day he went back! The baby bubble is amazing, if you work as a team it truly is a magical (and hard) time but I never wanted the bubble to end!

Why would you rather have your female family members come and help than the baby’s father? If you never let him care for the baby and spend time with it (and learn to do his share of the housework!), you’ll end up with a useless father who hates you going out cause he can’t deal with his own child and a house that’s a riot because only you ever tidy it.

I would have loved DH to have 6 weeks off when I had mine. I can understand your concern about having no annual leave for 6 months though. I would suggest he has 4 weeks off and save two for the next 6 months.

So you are saying the OP isn’t a nice person and needs to railroad over his wishes?

It's his baby too and it's his parental leave. He can take it when he likes. I don't think you should be calling all the shots in this situation. He is entitled to spend time with his baby in the way he wants. As I type, my husband is sitting snuggling our four week old. I'm delighted he's here.

DH took six months' paternity (fully paid) when DD2 was born, as his company has an excellent package and we were also able to share parental leave. It was a lovely time - lie-ins for me when DH dealt with the mornings, going to baby massage and sensory classes together, watching the latest film releases during special screenings for new parents, strolling around art exhibitions and doing guided walks for parents visiting interesting places with baby napping in her carrier. We really worked as a team and that has continued as our dcs have got older

I'd have loved this. My ex husband had the standard two weeks, then it was back to working long days in London, leaving me to do everything. Seriously, sometimes he didn't make it to the children's bedtime. Also, all our family was in Scotland!
You are so very fortunate. Enjoy your new baby!

Oh FFS there's that reading comprehension in action again 👍 obviously, as stated, I said it should be a shared decision. But as he doesn't seem to have taken on board her hints, as the one actually giving birth and taking on the bulk of the child-bearing, I believe OP should be the one getting the biggest say about what's needed from the dad. Not that OP seems to be coming back anyway

*child-rearing that should say

Have you tried being blunt and honest? Not to the degree of worrying it'll be too much of him for too long, but that you're concerned he'll be there to help so much at the beginning but leave you with no opportunity for help further into the year?

Could you suggest he takes 3 weeks at the beginning and plan in the other weeks at intervals that might be helpful?

Tell him you understand he wants to be there but that you want him to be there further on too. Especially when the baby needs more interaction.

Good luck op.
I'd go a little nuts with my dh present so much for so long too.

Plenty of time to train him up in cooking and cleaning. Is that not the sensible approach?

My husband had a whole year off with me and baby (first time parents). Goes back to work next week. Honestly, I've loved every minute of it and I'm dreading him going back to work. What helped is that he has his own hobbies, gym, running, gets out walking the dog etc and I had a little routine of my own but we were flexible enough that we could come up with other plans of and when we wanted to. You'll never get this time again ❤️

And why are you having a baby when you’re not even married

And here I thought it was 2023 not 1953

He's an adult, he needs to learn to cook and clean or fund the outsourcing of those tasks, but even the wealthiest people I know can cook a few things.

You need him to set an example to your child, well you both do really, you don't want to raise a child who thinks all the household tasks are for women.

I would not be training him up as some have suggested, it's not actually your responsibility.

Him wanting to come to the mothers and bumps could be over enthusiasm, lack of self awareness or controlling. Coupled with what you said about him not even wanting you to go to the supermarket alone I'm not convinced about his motives to be honest.
If he's not listening to you now, I'd make the message clearer and see what he says.
He's got 6 weeks whether he takes a chunk or spreads it out, if he won't consider that you might need help later then he's not so amazing. Would his work let him take a day a week for a while, then he's not missing out on any stages and you'd have a rest day.

My husbands self employed and took 6 weeks off.... I barely saw him at the beginning as our DD didn't sleep at all at night so we took it in shifts to look after her. I also had an emg c section so couldn't drive for 6 weeks so it was great he was around!