Six weeks paternity.

[Raven11]

I wasn’t sure where to post this as I don’t think DP is being unreasonable of such, but maybe I’m a bit unreasonable as I’m sure there’s plenty of women out there who would love their partners to be ‘too keen’.

We’re expecting our first baby in the autumn and we’re both very excited. DP is honestly one of the most caring men I have ever met and he’s taking his role as dad very seriously. Sometimes he’s a little too keen: I was going out to a mum and bump coffee meeting and he panicked as he didn’t book it off work. I know full well how lucky I am to have him every step of the way (and to have him waiting on me hand and foot!)

However, he’s taking six weeks paternity leave when the baby is born. As we’ve already had our main holiday this year he’ll be taking the majority of his left over annual leave and using his bank holiday days too. That essentially leaves six months without any annual leave. As his work is fairly flexible (he works from home the majority of the time) he’ll be able to get any medical appointments/baby appointments off in that time but no actual leave.

This is probably where I’m being unreasonable I’m more worried/being selfish that I’m not sure how I’ll cope with having him around for 6 weeks as honestly we’ve only ever spent a full couple of weeks together. He’s also quite intense with us spending time together; he likes us to be in the same room, or if I go out to the supermarket he’ll usually prefer to come too.

I’m planning on breast feeding and while he tries his best with domestic tasks he’s not great (he can throw a pasta together with a jar of sauce or cook beige food in the oven) and he’ll mop the floor if I ask him to but he always needs directing. Female members of my family have offered/will come and help but they don’t want to step on his toes. I’m not sure if I’m being completely naive here but I can imagine him being bit of a spare part for six weeks and then it being an absolute slog until next spring without any annual leave. Or shall I just suck it up as it’s his baby too and I should count my lucky stars that he’s keen to spend as much time as possible with baby.

Ive tried hinting/suggesting other ideas with his leave and he seems pretty set on six week paternity once baby is born.

It’s his baby too, he should be there during the early weeks to bond and help look after the baby. Also, his sleep will be badly impacted too so he probably won’t be able to function properly at work.

Have you considered taking shared parental leave? You can take it in parallel if you want.

Things that can be helpful if he goes back to work at 2 weeks and takes other weeks later: making your lunch before he starts work, something you can eat one-handed over a baby’s head. Filling your water bottle and making sure snacks, phone charger and TV remote are all easily accessible from the sofa when you get trapped under a baby.

Right, the first bit I totally got, me and my DH spend as much time together as possible.

But the second part? Not everyone gets married. Marriage is not a requirement for having a baby.

We had this due to Covid as DH was furloughed 2 weeks after baby was born and it was actually really lovely however we weren’t on top of each other as we both like a little space even if it’s just different rooms and I think on balance I’d prefer him at home for 3 weeks and then have more annual leave to take in the next few months.

Also I hate this assumption that being married is better; I made myself more financially vulnerable by getting married.

I think you should plan to be a bit flexible, if possible, as you will have no idea how you will feel after birth.

My DH took 4 weeks at the start (planned for 2, but his work generously gave him 2 extra, when DS spent 2 weeks in hospital). Then 4 weeks at the end, when I started back at work. This was ideal - it really made the transition back to work easier, knowing that he was at home and coming back to dinner on the table. It meant he could do lots of fun days out too, once DS was past the constant breastfeeding stage. And he dealt with nursery settling in days, which I would have found hard.

"You love the bones" of him and he's your best friend - I don't see the problem?

I dont think its necessarily a good idea to have a baby with someone who needs told to run a mop over the floors tbh.

We'll see you posting in a few years about your useless partner who does no cooking, cleaning, laundry, organising of kids or family life.

I’m planning on breast feeding and while he tries his best with domestic tasks he’s not great (he can throw a pasta together with a jar of sauce or cook beige food in the oven) and he’ll mop the floor if I ask him to but he always needs directing.

Get a cleaning rota, the organised mum method is good as it literally spells stuff out for him. There is an app you can pay a couple of quid for.

For cooking, he better start practicing now. Everyone has to learn somewhere. Simple recipes, or use something like hello fresh or gusto. You could also get him to batch cook some things.

If he is grown man about to have a baby, he should be capable of learning how to cook and clean.

I can't imagine being so co-dependent that I'd want to spend all my time with one person. Works both ways. It would be a very boring existence just to see your partner and nobody else (on your own, at least) - what would you talk about?

You sound very judgemental. Yuk. Not everyone wants to get married

Train him now to cook and clean and then accept the support after the baby is born.

My DH was self employed and couldn’t take any time. It would have been lovely.

Well we were obviously together all the time just the two of us during lockdown and it was great!

We never ran out of things to do or say and loved spending all that time together. I think it’s a shame for anyone that doesn’t have that.

I don't know why people are surprised you have only really done 2 weeks max continuous time together in your relationship. If you both work, that's pretty standard eh?

I've been with my partner for 14 years and we have never spent more than 2 weeks at a time together during holidays.

It’s not all about looking after you and the house, he’s entitled to time to bond with the baby, just as you are.

I think maybe get him to save a couple of weeks - but honestly having my DH around after both births was incredible.

First was in Covid - so although we was working, was able to be around.

This time he took 5 weeks off (but I had a planned section after an emergency section with my first).
If you have a baby who doesn't like to be put down, then having an extra pair of hands will be amazing! They wake to feed a lot in the early days - so my DH being home to allow me to have a long nap in the day, without having to worry was really helpful!

I even got my MIL round to look after the toddler for a week over Xmas and NYE as nursery was closed. DH looked after me, I looked after baby, grandparents looked after toddler 😂

Not the point of the thread, but no need to get married in every circumstance! As the higher earner with more assets, I would make myself more financially vulnerable if I got married to my partner and father of my two children. Let women choose the family set up that works best for them instead of berating them about marriage.

OP - I think as previous posters have suggested, SPL might be the way forward. Also sounds like he might need some guidance on cooking, cleaning etc ahead of the birth, as this is where he will really be able to help you as you recover. However, lovely that he is so excited about spending time with his new baby!

You'll probably need him and be grateful of it when it comes.

Get him trained up on the domestic stuff now. Talk to him about how in the first few weeks your job is to focus on the baby and establishing bf and his job is to care for you so you can do this. You can find lots of materials to demonstrate this if you'd rather someone else was saying it, because it can sound a little selfish until you've actually been there/done that

God no. My ex didn’t take paternity until 10wks with DS as I had my mum over at first who was more helpful. I think he did take it straight away with DD but I couldn’t have coped with 6wks of him, jeez no (probably why he’s my ex)

My partner has 6 weeks he can take and we chose to do three full weeks and then a week back at work, week off, week back at work and so on. Got to say I loved it. Also 6 weeks off could be the perfect chance for him to learn to cook. I remember crying at 2 weeks feeling completely overwhelmed and thinking I don't know how I'd cope if hubby was off to work now. I felt so lucky to have him around.

This is his child, and you're referring to him as a spare part? Yikes.

4 weeks is more than enough. YANBU. He could do with saving a couple of weeks for when you return to work (if this is part of the plan). And he doesn't want to get burn out with a straight 6m slog.

Follow some breastfeeding pages on Instagram, full of info and support to get you off to a good start. I follow @thebreastfeedingmentor, @thebreastmilkqueen
And safe sleep support etc @lullabytrust, @heysleepybaby,

FYI, I agree with you and I adore my man!

He’ll want this time to bond with his new baby too. Fathers should get longer than 2 weeks without having to use annual leave.

Can you do shared parental leave?

It's hard to know until the baby's here how you'll feel.

I found postpartum quite easy (had a horrific pregnancy) but we mixed fed so DH did a lot of feeds and took the baby so I could go sleep. I was happy with him going back to work after a few weeks.

My friend just had a baby and is struggling. Her DH is also taking the baby for feeds to give her the chance to sleep, but she's still struggling a lot. She's devastated that he has to go back to work after a month and doesn't know how she'll cope. I don't live near here but would be offering to help if I could.

You might find you have a lovely postpartum period and don't need your partner much, or you might struggle (as many do) and be v grateful he's taking six weeks. It's v hard to know!

My DH had 5 weeks off as paternity leave ran into Christmas holiday. I was very grateful to have him, especially after c section and PND.