Work/life balance issues in relationship

[Alpp]

New poster here but have been lurking a while and wanted to get some perspective on something, see what others think, get some advice, and get something off my chest. Sorry if post is a bit rambly.

Married 5 years, together for way longer (16 years!), have one daughter just turned 3.

I work in the music industry. Mix of teaching part time (10 hours a week), performing and a small equipment hire business. My wife also teaches around 20 hours. We pass our kid between us a good bit, get grandparents to help sometimes when I need to go away, etc. I’d be away from home around 3 or 4 nights a month. Twice a year, it can be double that because of two festivals where I can earn up to 10000$ in a week and a bit.

Our problem is she‘s just not happy with me having to travel for work and often can’t cope being alone with the kid. 4 days a month is what she says is her maximum but that just doesn’t work to run any sort of business. I also think it’s less than this in reality, more like 1 or 2 days a month. She says she’s overwhelmed trying to take care of the kid and herself, is stressed, lonely, that she can’t take care of herself without me there, etc. I also feel super guilty anytime I have to do any sort of gig because it feels like every minute I’m away I’m paying with her mental health. She really struggles when our kid is being clingy, says she can’t cope. She’ll be exhausted after 1 day taking care of our kid by herself. At the same time, she won’t take the time for herself when I’m there because she feels guilty being away from the kid, but it would actually do us all a favour if she pissed off for a while in those moments and sorted herself out. She also struggles to keep the kid’s routine when I’m away to be honest so makes things worse for herself. Like, not tire her out enough during the day, keep her on screens for too long, etc, then of course is crankier.

When I’m home, I’ll get up early with our daughter and let my wife sleep in, go in to her at night, do the house work, cook, take kid out, etc. I’m perfectly happy for my wife to check out. What’s difficult though, is my daughter is way more clingy with my wife and if I’m on my own with her, it’s super easy, when it’s both parents around, she’ll just scream for mommy a lot of the time. There has been no let up in this for 3 years, despite me spending a huge amount of time with her, doing most of her naps, night wake ups, etc.

Those two times a year when I have to work a bit more are a real struggle for my wife. I feel I pay a heavy price as she’s off form until the next holiday period. It’s not like I go away for fun. Although it is rewarding, I’d often be working 16 hour days.

A month ago, I had to be away for a week. The next weekend, I had to go away for one day, morning until very late night. I got in at 3am so slept in another room, got woken by my wife saying she can’t cope anymore, for me to take the kid (which was being particularly clingy). I didn’t mind. She checked out for a good portion of the day. Grand I thought. The killer was. after putting our kid to bed, I got it in the neck about how it was completely unacceptable for me to do that gig after being away for a week two weeks before, etc. That did it for me to be honest after 3 hours sleep. Like. If our situations were reversed, it would be completely different. I just want us to be two adults, who can take care of our own individual needs, and jointly take care of our kid …

Any advice?
Thanks a million in advance for any replies.

Like, I think we’re very privileged, to be able to make a decent enough income in this industry in the first place, to have a place to live with a garden, and the fact there is even some choice about how much work to take on!

Key info needed here - how old is your child, does your partner work, does she have any support like friends or family she sees often or groups she attends with the child? Any nursery time?

• Just turned 3
• Yes, she teaches 20 hours a week
• No nursery, we just play tag team with our daughter and get grandparents to help.
• September we will have playschool 3 hours a day, 5 days a week.
• She does have friends but they’re often busy. Like, she needs to book her coffee dates and stuff. I know she’d love to have the type of friends that are always there, live next door and can just pop in whenever, but we live in the city and it’s just not like that. Everyone is busy with their own lives …

A big part of your problem is not having proper child care in place. The tag-teaming approach only works if it leaves both parents with the time and mental energy to focus on their employment when working. If you are skimping on care and you are leaving town and making your wife the default parent, she is the one trying to figure out how to work and make sure your child is taken care of. Start by getting regular, scheduled child care in place.

Unfortunately it sounds like your wife needs to take some responsibility here. As in, if you're there and avaliable to help (which it sounds like you're helping loads) she needs to take some time to herself and 'fill her cup' so to speak.

I also feel like she has some anxiety, has she ever discussed this with her GP? I feel like you will say she is reluctant to do this but it's ultimately not fair on you or the child if she doesn't get help.

If childcare isn't feasible right now, hopefully in September things may improve when your child goes to playschool, however if there is this anxiety it would still need to be addressed.

Just want to acknowledge that is sounds really hard at the minute but you sound like a very supportive partner.

You need nursery now to get your child used to being away from your wife occasionally. I'm not trying to be mean but your wife needs to grow up, how can she not take care of herself when she's alone?

I only got as far as ‘the kid’ and can’t read any further. Poor child.

It sounds like money isn't a huge concern, in which case you need to get some regularly scheduled childcare in place. Muddling along clearly isn't working and rightly or wrongly, your wife is overwhelmed and struggling with your child (btw not to nitpick but did anyone else feel a bit triggered by the constant reference to "the kid"? Or was that just me?)

Ok I digress. You sound very hands on, which is great, but it also is clear that your wife is the primary caregiver and she doesn't feel like she's getting enough respite from being "mum". Fork out for some paid, regular childcare and everyone will be able to get some much needed time for themselves. It should also help with your daughters clinginess.

Children at that age rely 100% on the adults to look after them for survival. So they are hard wired to monitor all their relationships and they work the hardest on the ones they have the most concerns about.
Unfortunately that can cause a vicious cycle where one parent is stressed so pushes the child away, which means the child worries about the relationship so prioritises improving it, which is basically clinginess at that age.
Obviously knowing that isn't going to help your partner directly, but it's useful to understand the dynamic.
I agree with the other posters who mention childcare, once it gets so you both look forward to spending time with your child, then everything will be easier and relationships improve.
Take care.

I’m sorry if “the kid” wasn’t a great term to use. I’m good with numbers (and music), crap with words. I love my daughter massively and her and my wife are everything to me. I realise reading back how that comes across. Sorry.

• I’m hoping our 15 hours of playschool a week will ease things come September

• At the moment (during term time), my wife teaches 4 days a week and I take my daughter those days. I’d much prefer I spend that time with her rather than be in extra crèche. I cram my 10 hours of teaching into one day while my wife minds “our kid” haha! And does whatever else she wants. But I am definitely open to getting more help.

• Yes, my wife probably does have some anxiety, and she’s going to therapy once or twice a month, as am I.

• When gig days come, they’re organised way in advance (like months) and I make sure to sort out minding (usually from grandparents but sometimes others as well). The thing about more regular crèche is that this side of my work is never regular.

Thanks anyone who has replied.

To be honest there’s more at play here. we had our child during covid (2020), my wife had a traumatic birth and it took a long time to recover from that, physically and longer mentally really. We were massively lucky that my parents were living with us.

So for the first few weeks for definite and maybe months, I did pretty much everything apart from feeding. Napping multiple times a day in the sling, 9/10 nappies, rocking her when needed night and day. We were so lucky that we had my parents there, so that I could focus on taking care of both my daughter and wife.

But, we didn’t see any friends, and missed all the baby group stuff. And now everyone’s so busy, it makes sense why my wife feels lonely.

I don’t think 15hrs a week is going to cut it. 3hrs a day isn’t much childcare when you’re at the end of your rope.

And I’m not resentful in any way for doing those things in the early days, needing to take care of both baby and mom. It’s time I got to spend with my daughter that I’ll keep for ever.
It was a shock to the system though and I had to go to therapy to get out of the “caretaking” dynamic I had built with my wife. That I didn’t expect.

You should get 30 hours funding from 3 years you could increase the childcare?

Can grandparents do overnight when your away?

Your wife sounds depressed/anxious. Is the therapy helping, does she need more?

You need to burst the bubble you guys live in. It’s not good for any of you. Go camping one weekend, there would be other families with kids there. You got friends with children? Invite them for a bbq.
It sounds like your wife has no point of reference.

So I think part of the issue is that young children especially but TBH all children to an extent really thrive on routine.

Your child is being passed around constantly, a mix of parents, grandparents and others can be done if it's a routine - but your kid is having virtually a no week the same as the last type experience. It's not surprising that they are clingy.

I’m not in the U.K. Where I am we get 15 hours a week free playschool for 2 years before starting school (from roughly 3).

What’s helping a lot at the moment is summer holidays. We’re also working on some aspects of our relationship which was quite neglected since having our child. I just think if she could find more pockets of peace throughout the day, it would help her massively.

Was rough there in the last two months before end of term.

I don’t think we’d be comfortable asking grandparents to do overnights on a regular basis. Like, a couple of times a year for anniversary or something. In the think of things when our daughter was small we didn’t get into the best sleep habits and we still have to lie with her to go to sleep. She’s pretty strong willed and had hour plus screaming sessions trying to get her to sleep a different way and gave up.

But yes, maybe more minding hours would be good. Perhaps not in the first few weeks of starting playschool but a month or two after. Just wondering when would be best. On my wife’s day off? At the weekend? That’s the most likely time I’d have to gig.

Also, I’m being as sparing as I can with gigging, taking only the highest paid ones, or where I can cram multiple projects into a day or two, etc.

My entire family are musicians so this is very much normal in how I grew up …

I am sure it works for some children but your child doesn't sound too happy

This is great and that we’re trying to do a lot more of this summer.

The thing is, on a weekend when I’d be working, my wife would either not do anything and be bored, or go excessive one day and do way too much stuff, then be completely wrecked the next day (and daughter too!)

To be honest, I’m probably overexaggerating the clinginess. I think the thing is it’s triggering for my wife, so feels way worse than it is.

Like, my sister would have her two daughters cling to her legs bawling as she was leaving for work. She laughed it off and they’re all grand. That would be very triggering for my wife I think.

I think there is a danger in us trying to fix your wife's problems for you - when she's not actually a sort of the conversation.

What does she think you should do? As in, what is her solution to this?

Work less and earn less?
Change your job?
Hire a nanny?

There are quite a few things though that you reference.. the crankiness, the clinginess, the hour long screaming sessions before sleep.

I also wonder if she is just understimulated and under socialised - it doesn't sound like she spends much time with other children.

My daughter was born prematurely and had a crap start under lights and not in our arms, so at the age of between 1-2 she was horribly clingy. I couldn’t even make dinner without her screaming and hanging onto my legs. I literally thought I’d go insane.

So I have big sympathy for your wife, those years are not easy. My husband at the time was a junior doctor so did umpteen night shifts etc and it mainly fell to me. It was a tough time.

We did get our daughter into preschool aged 2 which helped knacker her out. Think having time with other children is so stimulating that nothing else replaces it. She started to improve at that point. I started to feel a bit less stifled too.

Now she’s nine and it’s a battle to get her off Roblox, so please tell your wife it changes and it’s fast. We’re very close though and she’s definitely a mummy’s girl, so that’s my payback!

I have limited sympathy for people who can't parent alone. If you are doing your fair share I.e more when you are around.

DH is away 3 days a week with 1 overnight typically. 2 nights a week I go to exercise so leave him to it. If its your living your wife needs to be understanding. It's not a new arrangement.

I'd suggest she get a better full time / 4 day per week job and pay for some nursery care. It would be easier for her. Kids are exhausting!