Work/life balance issues in relationship

[Alpp]

New poster here but have been lurking a while and wanted to get some perspective on something, see what others think, get some advice, and get something off my chest. Sorry if post is a bit rambly.

Married 5 years, together for way longer (16 years!), have one daughter just turned 3.

I work in the music industry. Mix of teaching part time (10 hours a week), performing and a small equipment hire business. My wife also teaches around 20 hours. We pass our kid between us a good bit, get grandparents to help sometimes when I need to go away, etc. I’d be away from home around 3 or 4 nights a month. Twice a year, it can be double that because of two festivals where I can earn up to 10000$ in a week and a bit.

Our problem is she‘s just not happy with me having to travel for work and often can’t cope being alone with the kid. 4 days a month is what she says is her maximum but that just doesn’t work to run any sort of business. I also think it’s less than this in reality, more like 1 or 2 days a month. She says she’s overwhelmed trying to take care of the kid and herself, is stressed, lonely, that she can’t take care of herself without me there, etc. I also feel super guilty anytime I have to do any sort of gig because it feels like every minute I’m away I’m paying with her mental health. She really struggles when our kid is being clingy, says she can’t cope. She’ll be exhausted after 1 day taking care of our kid by herself. At the same time, she won’t take the time for herself when I’m there because she feels guilty being away from the kid, but it would actually do us all a favour if she pissed off for a while in those moments and sorted herself out. She also struggles to keep the kid’s routine when I’m away to be honest so makes things worse for herself. Like, not tire her out enough during the day, keep her on screens for too long, etc, then of course is crankier.

When I’m home, I’ll get up early with our daughter and let my wife sleep in, go in to her at night, do the house work, cook, take kid out, etc. I’m perfectly happy for my wife to check out. What’s difficult though, is my daughter is way more clingy with my wife and if I’m on my own with her, it’s super easy, when it’s both parents around, she’ll just scream for mommy a lot of the time. There has been no let up in this for 3 years, despite me spending a huge amount of time with her, doing most of her naps, night wake ups, etc.

Those two times a year when I have to work a bit more are a real struggle for my wife. I feel I pay a heavy price as she’s off form until the next holiday period. It’s not like I go away for fun. Although it is rewarding, I’d often be working 16 hour days.

A month ago, I had to be away for a week. The next weekend, I had to go away for one day, morning until very late night. I got in at 3am so slept in another room, got woken by my wife saying she can’t cope anymore, for me to take the kid (which was being particularly clingy). I didn’t mind. She checked out for a good portion of the day. Grand I thought. The killer was. after putting our kid to bed, I got it in the neck about how it was completely unacceptable for me to do that gig after being away for a week two weeks before, etc. That did it for me to be honest after 3 hours sleep. Like. If our situations were reversed, it would be completely different. I just want us to be two adults, who can take care of our own individual needs, and jointly take care of our kid …

Any advice?
Thanks a million in advance for any replies.

My DH works away. He's military. It's obviously not fair on the mum but in my case not working was easier. I didn't have a career and I'm autistic. Money is a huge worry though. Well huge isn't even the right word!!!

Work less and earn less is most likely. But the thing is it’s not just day to day or month to month bills. It’s also things like fixing roofs, replacing cars, future college expenses, etc. I don’t want to live on the breadline if I can help it.

I think my wife understands that a musician not doing any gigs is like cutting your hand off in a way.

To be honest, things are improving. Like, this year was easier than last year. Like, she was better this year, but I think I just got fed up of hearing I was working too much, when I really don’t think I wasn’t.

Anyway, I really do think the 15 hours will help, and yes, proper socialising will be brilliant for my daughter as an only child. She needs more stimulation for sure (and not the TV kind!). I know after I walk the dogs with her in the woods she’s in a fantastic mood for the rest of the day. No clinginess and happy to say “bye bye mommy” if mom needs to go somewhere.

I’ll have a chat about more childcare and see when my wife would feel she’d need it. Now to tackle the year long waiting lists, and the fact we wouldn’t want a full time thing.

Thanks again for anyone who replied.

I suspect that her post on the same situation would read very differently…..

I’m sure it would.

I reckon she would say that when I’m away, that she has no time to work on herself. She did say this to me.

sorry but you have to work and she needs to accept this. is she on any medication? has she seen a doctor? sounds like PND to me. I have an 18 month old and work 24 hours a week and honestly that work is a break for me. Being with a toddler constantly and mostly alone is exhausting

You sound like a great parent. You sound like you do a lot when you're home, and I think its reasonable to be away for the times stated to earn money. Your wife is being unfair, it's not a normal reaction to dealing with a 3 year old.

i work in the same industry and I think, if what you are saying is true, that you’ve got a good balance there!

so many people have to tour full time and be away all the time to make any money from live music. I think your wife needs to be more understanding of how the bills are being paid and how much worse it could be.

My best friend had a child with a man who was a musician. Tbh so much of it was not compatible with family life.

You need more paid childcare for a start. But also the lack of routine is an issue, which just because you grew up around doesn't make it an better. Even if they have a routine to am extend it doesn't sound like passing between wvwtone aromd jobs and family availability really is helping sustain a routine.

You might be privlidged to make money in the music industry but what sacrifices are you making to do that?

Are there any weekly playgroups or other clubs your wife could take your daughter to? Maybe if she has a plan each week that would help her.

Maybe, but for clarity, the reason I asked what she thinks wasn't to catch anyone out.

It's because trying to find solutions or help for someone else, without them having an input, is almost always destined to fail.

Work less and earn less is most likely.

This sounds like you may not have specifically talked to her about what the answers might be for your family. It's genuinely worth that conversation. You might not agree with her solution, or be prepared to implement it. But it's worth you both talking about things that might help and what the impact of them might be.

How much work you (all) do and money you (all) have as a result, is really a family decision - because it impacts everyone.

This reads to me like one of those threads where the husband doesn’t really like his wife and is planning to show her the responses to prove how wrong she is, having first worded the OP to make him sound lovely and her sound totally unreasonable.

The feeling has grown with every response he has made.

I have been in your wife's position - DH is not a musician but works long hours. When the children were small I did about 10 hours a week piano teaching on top of all the SAHM stuff. The children saw DH only briefly at breakfast Monday to Friday. Saturday was renamed Daddy-day.

The problem with one-to-one teaching is, it's a very intense thing to do, so although you get a break from being "Mom" you don't really relax. I would often find I'd go from a lesson straight into a domestic situation with the kids, and it was tough.

I didn't find a solution, but the passage of time, children becoming more independent, spending more time at school etc really made life easier. Maybe your wife needs to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. September isn't far away and I think even those few hours childcare will help, if she lets herself use the time for things that feed her soul rather than hoovering, shopping or fitting in more teaching.

Also, I completely understand how she feels about the guilt of "me time". I am just the same - need lots of encouragement from my husband to go away for a day or whatever. So I think you should gently push her to really think about having her own time and scheduling it in. As my children have got older they will encourage me to do things away from the family if they can see I would enjoy it, and that really helped with the guilt: children are lovely people who want their mom to be happy too, and they can see that she is happier when she has had time with friends or at a weekend conference or whatever. I find I need a whole day without the family maybe twice a year, and that keeps me sane. I'm getting this Sunday afternoon and evening to myself as the DH and kids are going on a trip - can't wait!

And maybe you could try to arrange your diary so that you don't have a gig straight after a festival? If you know it's tough on her, try to have a weekend at home to reset things after you've been away.

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but that is a hard age. DH and I felt very stressed when our DD was 3 (she sounds similar in needs/personality).

I get the freelance musician thing. You have to take the lucrative work when it's offered.

I think you need a regular babysitter who your DD can bond with. The good thing about music is you have access to a large number of musicians who are sometimes under occupied.

We used a neighbour (professional musician) in 2020 and 2021 (she was childminding as a stop gap while recording and gigs picked back up) and she and her DC have been very positive influences in our DD's life. The 15 year old is now babysitting!

On the one hand, I think your wife is a bit selfish. There is nothin unusual taking care of a child single handedly for a few days a year, many people travel for work a lot an the other one looks after a child. If you went away fro 6 months, that would be an issue, but a few nights should not.

On the other hand, if she has MH problems, you need to suck up and get a nanny. Workin full time (4 days a week for her is almost full time really) vs one day... It's cool you prefer to look after your daughter when your wife works, but maybe you need to get someone on the day she is off to help with chores etc.

Same

I'm sorry but your wife is being unreasonable and there is something wrong if she struggles to parent your child alone for a day. It's selfish to want you to work less and earn less so she can "check out" of parenting more than she already does. You are your child's main caregiver and do the house work on your days off despite (presumably) working full time... What exactly is she contributing?

There's quite a lot to unpack here with a few different issues I think. And a lot of it rings true for me and our situation when our DC were younger. But it boils down to 1. your wife needs some help with her mental health and 2. you need a more reliable, consistent childcare solution.

So first, re going off to work. DH also has this kind of work requiring him to work nights/weekends/overnights. And yes, also planned way in advance. But, when kids were younger, this would be hard for me as during the week I'd be working, then doing normal childcare and then I would be "on" all weekend. This was especially hard when they were younger, particularly DC1 as he was a terrible sleeper.

I also had mild PND with DC1 which, I realise looking back, probably went on for a LOT longer than I realised. It meant being left with the DC alone for too long made me anxious. I felt constantly on edge and like I couldn't relax and I was constantly waiting for the next meltdown or early waking or whatever.

My advice is 1. You need to sit your wife down and really discuss her mental health and encourage her to seek help. first step is GP to possibly see about anxiety meds. Also therapy. And she must start taking time for herself that is time that is inviolate - join a yoga class or pick a specific day for attending gym or meeting a friend or whatever. These time slots must be considered inviolate by both of you so that whether or not you go away over these times, childcare will be sorted. That sense of "this is my time and everyone agrees that" was very helpful for me.

Then definitely get childcare. When the DC started nursery, I found it a lot easier to cope with DH wasn't around as at least I knew I could take them to nursery in the morning. Again, that reliable, guaranteed, no effort solution was hugely helpful. Also, look around for childcare that's a bit flexible - for example, DS only went to nursery for 1 half day and one short full day but if they had capacity, they'd happily take him more if Dh was travelling. So for example, on his half day he'd go in for the full day or on his full day I'd arrange to pick him up later or whatever. And sometimes I'd even put him in on a completely different day.

Oh, and just to add - I suspect that even though you're doing a lot, it feels to your wife like she is the backstop. that ultimately, it's on her etc. And that is intensely frustrating, especially if she's struggling with her mental health. Hence my suggestion re time slots and activities that are set in stone.

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. It’s actually really useful for me to read different opinions because the only other person I talked to about this was my therapist (as well as my wife but not in the same way). Especially the last two responses above.

It’s definitely important that she has me time for everyone’s sake. We have talked about having st least half a day a week, maybe a full day if needs be. The thing is, she has the mom guilt thing and she never actually takes the time until things are a disaster. I’d really love if she took her time to recharge before things blew up. A sort of unbreakable time slot might be the way to go 👍

I think in terms of anxiety, things are getting better for sure, but maybe slower than I thought. As I said, there were some very tough experiences at the very beginning and I think the recovery is still ongoing. 2 years ago when she went back to work she had pretty bad perfectionism and imposter syndrome, enough to be really affecting things and tire her out as much as 2 jobs, but she has gained confidence and that has gotten better.

In terms of my wife being the backstop, I make sure that’s not the case in as many ways as possible. Like, the washing, meal prep, groceries, cleaning, etc, I’ll do it without her having to think about it. The only thing is, if she wants peace while we’re all in the house, I couldn’t just play with my daughter in some other room. We’d play for a few min then she’d want mommy, and be pretty tantrummy and demanding. Other half finds the demandingness and noise triggering so caves easily, resulting in more of this behaviour. This has gotten a bit better in the last month or two thank god finally, but was literally non-stop for 2 and a half years. Only way was to leave the house with my daughter, or my wife leave the house (in either case, my daughter would immediately be perfectly fine once out of earshot)

Anyway, this has all been useful.

Sounds like your wife almost enjoys dd being clingy, because she can then complain about it to you.

If she won't leave you and dd to it, could you tell her that you want 1-2-1 bonding time with dd and go out with her?

We have a different work set up but I can really identify with some of what you've described and what your wife might be going through. My anxiety was massively exacerbated by pregnancy and becoming a mother, I have really struggled because at the time that I've needed self care the most (exercise, sleep, time to myself) I have the least opportunity. He's now 2 and it's been so so hard.

My only bit of advice is that my husband absolutely stepped up and did all the things you describe - more childcare and house work and for me it sometimes helped but overall made my MH dive lower because I felt incompetent and was always comparing myself to him. The more I struggled with this, the more I relied on TV distractions etc because I'd panic, that then made me feel even worse about myself because I knew Dad would do things differently. If there's perfectionism there too which you've mentioned, that will be feeding into it. It's honestly heart wrenching to be wanted so badly by your kid and a) feel like a shit mum and b) be desperate to be alone sometimes.

What's helped is having set time for myself but also having classes or activities that I do with my DS that are our thing. And I've tried to teach him things I enjoy. Basically trying to build my confidence again. He's 2 now and I only feel marginally better but have to trust we'll get there eventually. Anxiety/pnd can really impact your ability to connect with your child - the feeling that it's all worth it for them. Maybe she also needs to find a way to work on that? She also definitely needs to find a way to connect with other mums, it's so hard when you're working but you need at least one person who is honest about their struggles so you don't feel so alone.

Just a thought but I also rely on routine to manage my anxiety, if every day/month is different because of work then that maybe isn't helping. As people say, set childcare will help with that.

Hope that helps in some way.