To make her do the audition?

[teenagetribulations]

Dd (14) has an audition tomorrow for the local panto - her idea and she was really excited when the audition dates were announced. She was part of the cast pre covid and it's the last year she can do it as she will be too old next year.

She has told me tonight that she's not going to go. No particular reason and can't tell me why.

She's a typical teenager, moody, dismissive and argumentative but can also be lovely when she wants to be and we have been riding the storm so to speak for the last 18 months or so.

She has recently been referred for ADHD assessment which would explain the meltdowns and uncooperative attitude she's been displaying.

AIBU to make her attend the audition? She lives for her drama and is fully involved in any school production going. My thoughts are that she's signed up and has made a commitment so needs to at least turn up but my dh says we should let her miss it.

I should add that she's been withdrawing from any extra curricular activities over the last few months (scouts, hockey club, youth club) and I'm loath for her to give up everything.

It's only an audition and there's no guarantee she will get the part but surely she should at least give it a go?

Or am I being cruel and unreasonable to push her into doing it?

I would personally make her do it. I think it's good for them to have extra curricular interests.

She won't perform well in the audition if she doesn't want to go, so what's the point in making her?

I'm not sure if I'd be forcing her to attend. If she misses out on something she'd enjoy, it's a natural consequence for refusing to attend the audition and will potentially teach her a lesson for the future.

I would be interested in how exactly you “make” a 14 yo do an audition they don’t want to do.

She’s the one missing out. Encourage her to go, keep it light. But ultimately she’s at an age where she can make these decisions and live with the consequences.

By all means try to push her. I completely agree that it's great for children to be involved in extra curricular activities, drama develops really useful skills, having a go and dealing with success or not are good life lessons etc etc.

Your dd might have other ideas though...

Encourage, facilitate, support etc, but don't be surprised if she decides not to go. I'm sort of interested in how you 'make' a 14 year old do anything they don't want to do though!

Nope. Let her live with the consequences if she regrets the decision. I wouldn’t waste the time and energy getting into a battle over this, it has the potential to be v stressful for no good reason.

I would say if she’s withdrawing from extra curricular activities she may be knackered / burnout from school so I wouldn’t make her do an audition. If she gets the part it could be terrible for her mental health.

It's got to be her choice to do it. Maybe you could insist she goes but you can't make her perform.
If she regrets not going to the audition later it may make her thing about how actions or( non action) have consequences. It may though just be that she has changed her mind about wanting to be in a pantomime. Either way it has to be her decision.

If I can get her through the door of the theatre she will be fine! The same people that were chaperones during her last panto will be there tomorrow and she gets on well with them.

She is completely different with people outside the home and everyone who meets her says how friendly and helpful she is - I assume it's a form of masking given the potential ADHD but it means she confirms to expectation's at school and elsewhere (I know this isn't always a good thing!)

Im planning on picking her up straight from school tomorrow and taking her to the theatre then walking her in through the door and handing her over to one of the chaperones

Her choice. It can be a big commitment at a busy time of year. Let a child who wants the part have the opportunity,

I think if they commit to something they need to see it through or we teach them that they can back out of anything which isn’t a good work ethic to build for later life. Once there it’s really up to her how good or bad she chooses to perform. If she is successful in securing a role I would let her decide if she wishes to pursue it but again if she says yes then she has to see it through and i’d make that very clear.

You can try.

Bigger picture is why is she dropping out of everything lately and what can be done to help her feel better if needed

As regards accepting the consequences of her actions she doesn't appear to care!

She dropped out of hockey just before the cup semi final and let her whole team down - I know she upset a lot of her team mates and I tried to persuade her to stick it out til the end of the season but she wasn't having it. I know she's lost friendships because of it but when I've tried to talk to her about it she just shrugs and shuts down and all I get is a filthy look.

When she was referred for assessment it was like a weight had lifted of her shoulders and we had a lovely few days of her being happy and chatty and taking part in family life but she seems to have closed down again.

Does masking apply to ADHD? IME 14 yo girls can be moody and capricious and sullen regardless.

It’s hard but you have to put all your resentment to bed every night and start every day fresh. And really really think whether it’s worth getting into a battle over this.

If she isn't willing to commit to the audition she will struggle to commit to the rehearsal and performance schedule. If she drops out midway through the run it will cause massive issues. If she is not 100% up for it, it is not fair on anyone else involved.

Personally I wouldn't. She is the typical age where self consciousness can kick into overdrive accompanied by a need to self direct.

I would encourage and remind her of the feeling of success, enjoyment when completed.

Hopefully more carrot than stick but then that's worked with my teen and stepping back a bit works better for us.

I'd try to explore why she doesn't want to go. Our teen wanted to drop out of two events recently. One - they were nervous but we had a chat about nerves, etc, they agreed they would go to the venue then decide. I agreed I'd take them but respect their decision once there. They went through with the event.

The other was an audition and they explained why they'd changed their mind. My only proviso was they had to send an email to the organisers explaining why they were no longer attending.

I'm finding making these kind of calls one of the hardest parts of parenting so far.

On the one hand, I think it is really important that children experience that journey of feeling anxious, fearful, or just plain lazy, pushing through, and being glad they did it. And I don't think that is necessarily a lesson that they will learn themselves, it sometimes needs a parent (or another adult) to really push them. Different situation, but my teen DS got cold feet about a residential camp he had signed up to where he wasn't going to know anyone. He actually ended up in tears and I felt awful because I'd kind of talked him into it in the first place. I agonised about what to do and in the end decided to "force" for him to go through with it. He ended up having an amazing week and came back brimming with a new found confidence. But it could have gone the other way and of course I would have felt terrible.

Unless you've got a crystal ball, I honestly don't think you can know what the right call is.

She is very likely masking. It's also probably very tiring for her which could be why she is dropping other commitments.

My DD (ADHD/ASD) was masking much more than I realised and we have just had an awful 6 months following autistic burnout where she spent hours and hours just lying in bed and has missed so much school, let alone after school activities.

Obviously it doesn't mean your DD will experience the same but I would say it's important to listen to her when she's saying she doesn't want to do it. A panto should be fun but it is a big commitment and a lot of time and effort putting on the show of confidence that she genuinely might just not have the energy for. I wish I had been a bit more aware of the warning signs. Loosing interest in things can be a sign as well as not coping in situations that they were previously fine with. Gentle encouragement is fine but if she's neuro diverse pushing too much often causes more problems than it solves.

Thank you for all the replies - youve given me food for thought!

On the one hand I don't want to make her feel any worse especially if she's hit a self conscious stage and is feeling anxious but I also don't want her to think she can sign up to things and then not follow through because she can't be bothered.

I agree that if she doesn't want to do the audition then she won't want to commit to the season, however is she not wanting to try because she doesn't want to fail? (She is a bit of a perfectionist tbh)

Anyway I think I will pick her up from school and tell her shes doesn't need to do it - however she does need to go and tell them in person that she's pulling out. She needs to be a grown up and tell them herself of her decision. Just not turning ip isn't an option!.

I think that’s a good compromise. Plus once she’s in they might be so shocked and maybe make her feel good about why she should do it and give her a confidence boost.Good luck tomo!

She needs to be a grown up and tell them herself of her decision. Just not turning ip isn't an option!

I think you're completely out of order. She isn't a grown up, she's a 14yo undergoing ADHD assessment.

You should be modelling good behaviour. So if she doesn't want to go, you phone them to give a polite non-specific apology.

Your DD needs support I would imagine.

No, don't make her. She has previously dropped out of a big commitment (hockey) and it's not fair on the rest of the cast, and children who may miss out on a part who desperately want it, if she takes it and then withdraws. As she's not even keen to audition, this seems like it may happen. The cast has to be ultra reliable.

She sounds stressed and pressured. As s mental health nurse i urge you to reduce any kind of pressure at the moment. She is telling you in the only way she can that she needs headspace.

I'd make her go and tell them she wants to withdraw. Once there she might change her mind again.

I would make as much effort as I think I could cope with myself to encourage it then leave it up to her