Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make her do the audition?

53 replies

teenagetribulations · 29/06/2023 22:00

Dd (14) has an audition tomorrow for the local panto - her idea and she was really excited when the audition dates were announced. She was part of the cast pre covid and it's the last year she can do it as she will be too old next year.

She has told me tonight that she's not going to go. No particular reason and can't tell me why.

She's a typical teenager, moody, dismissive and argumentative but can also be lovely when she wants to be and we have been riding the storm so to speak for the last 18 months or so.

She has recently been referred for ADHD assessment which would explain the meltdowns and uncooperative attitude she's been displaying.

AIBU to make her attend the audition? She lives for her drama and is fully involved in any school production going. My thoughts are that she's signed up and has made a commitment so needs to at least turn up but my dh says we should let her miss it.

I should add that she's been withdrawing from any extra curricular activities over the last few months (scouts, hockey club, youth club) and I'm loath for her to give up everything.

It's only an audition and there's no guarantee she will get the part but surely she should at least give it a go?

Or am I being cruel and unreasonable to push her into doing it?

OP posts:
BIrthdayCat · 30/06/2023 06:34

wildfirewonder · 30/06/2023 00:02

She needs to be a grown up and tell them herself of her decision. Just not turning ip isn't an option!

I think you're completely out of order. She isn't a grown up, she's a 14yo undergoing ADHD assessment.

You should be modelling good behaviour. So if she doesn't want to go, you phone them to give a polite non-specific apology.

Your DD needs support I would imagine.

This.

I think you are being very unreasonable and pushy in all the wrong ways.

You are likely to be an overbearing mother, which will be part of her ongoing issues.
You won't listen to this, but I reckon you should back right off and start listening to your dd rather than teaching her life lessons cringe.

The helpful thing to teach her, if you must, is that she should listen to herself and try and understand what's going on, what's happening for her that she feels she needs to leave all these activities. It's a lot more helpful to learn that it is absolutely ok to back out provided it's done properly. Turning up and saying I don't want to do it would be horribly embarrassing, how can you even consider this. Sending an email to the organisers, explaining, wishing them well with the production is more appropriate. If she did turn up to say she won't do it, they'll know you made her and it will be so awkward for everyone. On a side note, I really hope that you don't just want her to be in the production so that you can brag about it.

Good luck to your dd. At 14, she needs someone who is there, doesn't judge and listens to her not one that teaches harsh life lessons. Sad That's really overbearing parenting.

Winnerturkeydinner · 30/06/2023 06:42

Leave her alone, she's 14 and it's up to her. ADHD is bloody exhausting. You sound incredibly overbearing.

Skatingwaiting · 30/06/2023 06:44

No , i wouldn’t. I think at this age they can have a sudden shift into serious self consciousness and develop a fear of performing ( and the social embarrassment of it amongst their peer group), which can be a root cause of anxiety which they express as rage and unwillingness to participate. I’d just leave it and take her lead.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 30/06/2023 06:48

I don't really understand all the emphasis on 'she's made a commitment'. It's only an audition - it's not like she's been offered and accepted a part, and then pulled out. She'll be one of a number of people auditioning, it's surely no big deal to the production people if she doesn't go? I wouldn't force her to go.

Diddykong · 30/06/2023 06:51

I think I'd remind her that she can always turn down a part of she auditions but if she doesn't audition then she's lost a choice. And choices are important.

Could it be physical? I remember at 14 my period was a nightmare. No one to speak to about it (as DM made it clear that it wasn't to be discussed/is shameful) and made those teen years horrendously difficult to manage.

JMSA · 30/06/2023 06:51

I'm all for encouraging her to do it OP, and YANBU.
However I'm wondering if you're going to have this battle on your hands for each and every rehearsal.

Weal · 30/06/2023 06:59

Personally no I wouldn’t make her go. I suspect it is fairly normal for ‘after school’ activities to slow down at this age. I don’t know many 14 year olds and even fewer 16 year olds who do many acticities, with the exception of a few who are on sports teams.

I also wonder about your reasoning…seems to be about teaching her a lesson about commitments and not just stopping out. However if you are forcing her to attend or forcing her to communicate her lack of attendance…I’m not sure that is teaching her anything, because it’s externally forced rather than something she has learnt.

It is concerning that she seems to be withdrawing. I wonder if it is all becoming too overwhelming for her. I imagine school gets more intense around this age too as the lead up to GCSE starts, also the relationships with peers must be more intense too. It’s a difficult period. I’d try more to get to the bottom of her behaviour and support he with that. Seems like dropping the activities are the symptom of, and not the cause of, her issues/struggles at the moment.

Original poster
teenagetribulations · 30/06/2023 07:15

Believe me I don't want her to get the part for bragging rights!

She was in panto pre covid and it was one hell of a commitment - we live reasonably rurally so no bus route to the theatre which meant 4 months of organising the family around rehearsals and performances. Personally I would rather not have to deal with that again!

Her chances of actually getting the part are very low. The theatre is very well regarded for its panto and there will be a lot of auditions but I suppose it's the principle of signing up
To do something then backing out at the last minute

I really don't consider myself an overbearing parents but I do believe in showing basic manners - dd begged me to arrange the audition which I did as she was in school during the box office opening times to register. I now think it's up to her to let them know she won't be attending. So whether that be by email, phone or in person I do think that is up to her.

OP posts:
Weal · 30/06/2023 07:29

@teenagetribulations oh absolutely it is her responsibility. But you can’t make someone be responsible. You can encourage it, but you can’t force it. If you force it…well then they aren’t taking responsibility, they’re just making a call they were forced to make.

Ted27 · 30/06/2023 07:30

It would of course be courteous to let them know she won't be attending so they don't expect her.
But I also don't understand all this discussion about commitment. She has committed to nothing at this point.
You don't even think she has a chance of getting a part, and you don't really want her to anyway, so what on earth is the point of trying to force her.
My son has ASD, he was always very busy with sport and other activities, at 14/15 he began to drop out of a lot of things. It was just too much.
He is 19 now, working and has a couple of things he does but spends a lot of his spare time wrapped in a blanket listening to music because he needs the time and space to decompress.
At this point you would be far better spending your time learning and understanding what ADHD means for your daughter, understanding her behaviours and how you can support her.

WandaWonder · 30/06/2023 07:35

I can't wave a magic wand and my child is suddenly responsible, they need to be shown how to do this, most of the times adults don't always get it right let alone teenagers

CurlewKate · 30/06/2023 07:35

I had one like this-if I could get him to the door he went in and was absolutely fine. He's 22 now, and we've talked about it, and he says (obviously he could be lying, but I think he isn't!) that he was grateful that I took the responsibility of choosing to go away from him. He was desperate to do the thing, but just couldn't make himself do it. So if he could put the "blame" on me he was fine. I was very selective about the things I pushed, though. I did let him drop a lot of activities.

jeaux90 · 30/06/2023 07:50

She's 14 the same age as my DD who also has ADHD and ASD.

There are a couple of things to consider here.

Firstly their emotional development maybe behind, think. 3rd of their peers.

Secondly, yes they get exhausted from masking at school, thus the meltdown and anxiety.

Thirdly, it is a very very fine line between encouraging them to do things that make them feel uncomfortable and that spiral into anxiety.

I took a step back from making mine do certain things about a year ago...she has now taken a step forward. On her terms things are a lot easier and there is less anxiety around it.

Highandlows · 30/06/2023 07:55

What about the disruption at rehearsals if she gets selected? Would this be a good extra curricular for her?

stealthninjamum · 30/06/2023 07:57

Op i think you need to read up on parenting an adhd child. I have one and I have to be a completely different mother to the one I thought I would be.

cooshin · 30/06/2023 07:59

wildfirewonder · 30/06/2023 00:02

She needs to be a grown up and tell them herself of her decision. Just not turning ip isn't an option!

I think you're completely out of order. She isn't a grown up, she's a 14yo undergoing ADHD assessment.

You should be modelling good behaviour. So if she doesn't want to go, you phone them to give a polite non-specific apology.

Your DD needs support I would imagine.

This ^

cooshin · 30/06/2023 08:03

dd begged me to arrange the audition which I did as she was in school during the box office opening times to register. I now think it's up to her to let them know she won't be attending. So whether that be by email, phone or in person I do think that is up to her

She is a child and clearly struggling. Even if you do believe it's her responsibility to do this surely you can just help her out and do it for her? You seem to need to have an unnecessary level of control over this. You have a potentially disabled child, don't make this a big deal because while you may manage to force her into contacting them what you are actually doing to her mentally will be hard. If you say ' I problem, I will let them know for you' it removes any pressure or bad feeling for her, which is what most parents would want.

cooshin · 30/06/2023 08:03

*NO problem

Craftycorvid · 30/06/2023 08:11

Getting a diagnosis is a big deal emotionally. There is often a brief period of relief and elation, of ‘I’m not broken, just different’ and then the awareness that this is it now for life kicks in and it can be very overwhelming. She sounds as though she is going through a period where she wants to withdraw and take stock. By all means suggest that she may feel differently once she gets to the audition and encourage her, but also let her know that if it’s too much once there, she can leave. That isn’t sending bad messages about work ethics, it’s about letting her know she doesn’t have to push through the pain barrier all the time when she needs to rest. Masking can be a big part of how girls manage neurodivergence, so it could be that she is also deciding what is the ‘mask’ and what is her. Performing on stage can be a great space for people who are brilliant at masking, of course (after all, it’s acting) but she may be reacting against being always on stage.

friskybivalves · 30/06/2023 08:15

Romeiswheretheheartis · 30/06/2023 06:48

I don't really understand all the emphasis on 'she's made a commitment'. It's only an audition - it's not like she's been offered and accepted a part, and then pulled out. She'll be one of a number of people auditioning, it's surely no big deal to the production people if she doesn't go? I wouldn't force her to go.

I couldn't agree more with this.

You say she has a low chance of getting the part.

The producers won't notice if she is there or not. They will be baffled to receive a note apologising for a non-appearance. It isn't as if they were pinning all their hopes on Florence Pugh walking through the door because she said she would but she's too overwhelmed after all.

The more important thing is the wider picture of your Dad's health. You shouldn't make her feel guilty out of baseless concern for the panto side of things.

I have huge sympathy (my DD is 15 and I'm also riding the wave of truculence mixed with loveliness mixed with withdrawing from things she is good at and used to love). It's so hard!! We want to do the best thing but day to day that's never never clear cut.

useless1000 · 30/06/2023 10:24

Sounds like she's on a bit of a self destruct mission if she's withdrawing from the things she loves and upsetting her friends,

celticprincess · 30/06/2023 10:25

If she had got the part and was trying to pull out later I’d make her do it. But it’s just an audition so I’d let it go. I’ve got an autistic teen the same age and also into drama and music. My youngest I suspect is adhd and she’s quit nearly everything she’s joined. I’ve usually insisted the continue for something if I’ve paid for that term then they can give up before the next term is to be paid. But if they’d wanted to pull out of an audition I’d just leave it.

wendyjoy · 30/06/2023 11:10

Definitely do not try and make her go.. if she is on the spectrum this could have consequences.
Plus being 14 and hormonal isn't going to help either.
Please get her diagnosed and help she needs.. l have four Grandsons with ASD/ ADHD.. ( teenagers) and only now it's come to light that my daughters have it.. looking back at them in their teenage years l can now see it.. but didn't when it mattered( girls mask it more).. and it's had an impact on their adult lives and choices for lack of knowledge and l beat myself up for never realising and getting help.

ManateeFair · 30/06/2023 14:07

I should add that she's been withdrawing from any extra curricular activities over the last few months (scouts, hockey club, youth club)

It sounds like organised fun just doesn't hold the same appeal for her at 14 as it did when she was younger, which I think is quite normal. Not everyone wants their free time full of scheduled activities. She's probably just a bit exhausted and a bit hormonal and wants a bit more freedom to do whatever she fancies with her spare time rather than having to be somewhere and do a certain thing at scheduled times every week.

Personally, I wouldn't make her go. Would you want to spend your free time on hobbies you no longer enjoyed?

Zanatdy · 30/06/2023 14:23

Can you really make her go? You’re not going to man handle her. I assume you are going to persuade her, but if she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. If that means she misses out then that’s on her. She’s old enough to realise this at 14