Am I just being a bitch?

[Besthaveanamechange]

DN aged 27 arrived from overseas 3 months ago to live in the UK. The idea was she was going to stay with us while she sorted out somewhat to live. No timescales were specified but I thought about a month. Wrong. We are 12 weeks in and no progress. She’s not paying rent or for food. She doesn’t clean. She might cook once a week. She ignores her cousins. She ignores me, pretty much. I’m so over it.
she is a very poor sleeper and a real worrier. She’s commuting 1.5 hours to a demanding job. She’s in a country where he knows no one. Am I being unfair in just wanting her to fuck off now? She has not spoken one word to me today. I feel so taken for granted.

Your fault for living off assumptions and not having a proper conversation about it before she came to live with you. You need to sit down and discuss this with her.

If you feel this way talk to her and give her a deadline to move on and out.

No excuse for being rude to you.

Tell her tomorrow she has until the end of July to find somewhere.
People need to be told when they've out stayed their welcome.

I’m kicking myself now for not being clearer with her and her parents. I just assumed she’d be more proactive.

You need to talk to her - gently at first - set expectations and boundaries - whether that's how she helps out, paying rent or the amount of time she can stay xx

Before asking her to leave, I'd try changing things. Can you tell her that, given she's been there so long now, you'd really like a bit of rent/food money and work done around the house? I'd expect £400/month and I'd want her to cook twice a week and hoover around the house every other day.

I'd also be getting her to run to the shops to get fresh bits as needed etc.

Once she's doing more, you may feel less resentment.

It does sound like she things you don't have a problem with the set up, and unless you tell her, why would she?

If she's commuting 1.5 hours she might be utterly exhausted at the end of each work day. She's in a new country where she might be feeling culture shock. She's probably not ignoring you to be intentionally rude, she's probably just really tired and maybe a bit down at the reality of the daily grind after having her hopes built up about this exciting foreign adventure.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and approach this from the point of view of checking in with her that she's ok and maybe suggesting to her that things would be easier for her if she found somewhere to live that was closer to where she worked such as a house share.

I feel sorry for her. She’s a young girl who’s not sleeping, is a “worrier” and commuting to a demanding job in a foreign country. She might have anxiety. She might feel shy or down.

You don’t sound very loving towards her at all.

Yes this is not ok.

if you don't want to ask her to leave then as PP says set some expectations ie she is living there for free but this isn't a long term thing and you'd like some board and help around the house until she leaves

she may make more effort to go then but at least she's not taking you for granted

She’s rude and ungrateful. Time to tell her to buck her ideas up or it’s time for her to get her own place where she can be a messy as she likes

Sorry just re-read she is 27 so not that young but still she might need support and guidance.

Start charging her board. It's costing you money and if she's earning she should be contributing as well.

I would go with being firm but supportive.

something like “DN you’re welcome to stay as I know that it must be hard moving to new country, but if you’re going to be here long term then as you are working and you’ll have to contribute to the household finances and chores. Or If you are ready to get your own place I’d be happy to help you look for somewhere”

no point seething silently.

Money’s not the issue really - if she offered some money I’d say to give the kids some pocket money or something. It’s just wearying living with someone so gloomy who doesn’t even say good morning to me. Our house is retry happy generally but it’s weird having this guest who seems to basically hate us x

DN, you must be so tired from that commute, have you seen this for to rent 5 mins walk from the office? Shall we go and look at it at the weekend?

I get that. But it might give her the kick up the bum to do something without having to say she’s miserable and you want her to move out.

you could also Chuck in a few house rules about being pleasant while you’re at it.

The rental market in the city she works in seems dire and she’s quite particular about what she wants. I do agree the commute is tough but I do it too and I’m 20 years older!!

I’m just getting so impatient with the doom
and gloom. And I know that’s not fair.

Sit her down and have a talk. Tell her she doesn't seem happy and as a result is not easy to live with. Ask her what her plans are. If she hasn't got a plan help her make one. Do you think she might want to return to her home country but is afraid to admit defeat?

I like this.

Have you spoken to your sibling/the parent?

Simple, talk to her. Set boundaries. You needn't be taken for a mug. If setting boundaries is 'paying the kids some pocket money' for board it doesn't sound very serious.

Set a certain amount for rent. Even if you put it into kids savings. Make a cleaning Rota.
Organise her her own food cupboard and fridge shelf and she buys her own food and drink. Not like milk and bread but if she wants anything specific she buys.
She cooks dinner twice a week.
Ask her for a timescale of when she expects to start looking for her own place.
Offer to help her with this.
Ask her why she's so distant and offer to support her.

Talk to her, tell her she needs to sort her attitude out.

Maybe she's home sick?

Talk to her.

Well you are the adult here.

Call her parents, say it’s time for her to move on. She’s not being v pro-active (busy with job etc) so they need to support. Give them a month (but assume it might be 6 weeks)

You need to give her decent notice because you didn’t set any limits in the first place

.., and then talk to her directly obviously -

I just mean give her parents a heads up first, so if she panics they manage that not you