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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding on birthday

26 replies

Birthdaywedding · 29/06/2023 17:42

Many years ago something happened and I wonder to this day whether I am being unreasonable.

I was early 20s and went abroad for a year to study and work. It was all planned etc and I had booked my return flight back home very early on. I would arrive home after a year abroad about two weeks before my birthday. I was extremely proud of my achievement to get accepted into this programme (working class background, first in family to study, let alone live abroad etc.) and it was an absolutely massive deal for me.

Then at one point, and I cannot remember the timing, my brother and his now wife decided to get married. They had been together almost 10 years, childfree etc and other than personal preference I can't see why they had to get married on the day the did. So they got married on my birthday about two weeks after I returned from a year abroad.

I had said to my mother that I didn't like that, but was told to shut up and got a massive side eye. On the day, I felt my thunder was stolen from me, as everyone was all over the wedding, I didn't get a birthday and couldn't really talk about my experiences abroad.

I can now see it was slightly immature that I wanted to be centre of attention for going abroad, but I get it now even as a proper grown up - I never received recognition for anything, my parents weren't interested in what I was up to as long as I shut up and did not challenge anyone or anything. As a young adult I thought I might finally be enough, although I can now see how naive I was.

Anyway, it irks me to this day that their wedding anniversary is on my birthday. Was I and am I wrong for feeling like this?

OP posts:

BeCruelToBeKind · 29/06/2023 17:45

Their wedding anniversary only matters to them really so yes, YABU to be bothered that it’s on your birthday.

Harebrain · 29/06/2023 17:47

I think you need to move on. I say that kindly.

MontblancTheSecond · 29/06/2023 17:50

You need to separate the date of the wedding and not feeling acknowledged. I’m sure there was room for you to talk about your experiences.

UndercoverCop · 29/06/2023 17:52

I got my married on my best friend's birthday. Abroad, she said it was a lovely way to celebrate with people she loved and saved her the cost of a party! YABVU.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/06/2023 17:54

I'd think they were waiting for you to come back to get married, so you could be there. So that's why it was so soon after you came home, which happened to be your birthday. Better that than going ahead when you could come!

I can understand you being upset your family weren't interested in your experience but I don't think that links to your birthday at all. Or the wedding.

purpliee · 29/06/2023 17:54

My brother got married on my 21st 😁

bridgetreilly · 29/06/2023 17:55

YABVU.

GeekyThings · 29/06/2023 17:57

I think your real issue is that your parents really let you down by being bad parents to you. I mean, your brother was a dickhead to choose that day, out of all the other 365 he could have picked! But I think you're hanging onto this because of the issues you had with your parents rather than him.

I can't say you're unreasonable for feeling this way as you can't really help the way they made you feel. I can say that maybe you need to talk to someone to try and unpick what happened when you were growing up to try and help you come to terms with their lack of care about you in general.

KrisAkabusi · 29/06/2023 17:58

Birthdays are only important to children. Unless it was your 21st, and I'm sure you would have said if it was, it isn't and shouldn't really be a big deal to anyone else. Certainly not enough to plan a wedding around!

Fandabedodgy · 29/06/2023 18:00

I think are being rather silly

Precipice · 29/06/2023 18:01

I think that is sad! Essentially no birthday for you and on your birthday, all the fuss on your brother and you and your birthday sidelined.

Possibly he didn't have much choice of dates; possibly he was just thoughtless.

You weren't unreasonable to feel sad about it, but it's done and years past now. Try not to dwell.

caringcarer · 29/06/2023 18:02

My sister got married on her birthday but now she is divorced she said it ruins her birthday every year.

mindutopia · 29/06/2023 18:05

It sounds like they planned their wedding to include you and to make sure it was after when you returned home. Sounds perfectly sensible.

Dh and I got married when DB/SIL were in NZ half way through a round the world trip. They had to fly home for it and then fly back to NZ. (We didn't plan it to be inconvenient, simply that we needed to get married within a 6 month window to meet my visa requirements, and they weren't planning to be around at any point in those 6 months).

FloweryName · 29/06/2023 18:06

Yes, you need to grow up and move on.

You could have invited everyone to see you after you got home if you wanted to talk about your experiences. TBH, people aren’t really that interested in hearing about holidays and trips other people have been on, especially when the alternative is to focus on a wedding you’re at that is happening here and now. It’s a bit cheeky of you to want your birthday and holiday to be on people’s minds at your brothers wedding.

Rainbowshit · 29/06/2023 18:06

I think you're being ridiculous and self centered.

There's alway very limited availability of dates when planning a wedding.

I'm baffled that you think they should have left an adequate period of time for you to bask in your return. How long do you think would have been adequate, a month, a year?

Whataretheodds · 29/06/2023 18:07

As adults there are always things that get in the way of birthday- Mondays, work, strikes, sick kids. You just celebrate another time.

Why didn't you organise a birthday celebration on another day if it was important to mark it?

fairydust11 · 29/06/2023 18:07

Op it sounds like your family aren’t interested in your achievements and the wedding on your birthday is irrelevant - it just highlighted this fact.
I can understand the upset, but I think it’s misplaced and you think it was due to the wedding on your birthday, when in fact I think it is because they just weren’t interested in your life & travels. 💐

BlissedOutCat · 29/06/2023 18:10

I'd be delighted if my DB did this! A lovely party and all my closest family together to see again and chat to. It sounds perfect tbh!

MumBunHun · 29/06/2023 18:10

My auntie was 80 on my wedding day and we got her a birthday cake and sung happy birthday during the speeches. She loves that we share a birthday/anniversary (and so do I!)

Original poster

Birthdaywedding · 29/06/2023 18:19

@GeekyThings that's it. You hit the nail on the head - I get it now.

I hate my birthday, always have. I think it's because I never got a fuss as a child and was hoping for a long time it would finally happen.

It's eye opening many people think I need to get over it. I will do this now and acknowledge my feelings as part of a wider problem, which is my family aren't interested in me. My brother and his wife were in their right to choose this day. Agreed I could have invited everyone separately, it never occured to me. I did take control of my career/financial future early on, but not of my social life and relationships as I didn't know how. I did not learn how, but I know I had a choice even in my early 20s to see and do things differently.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

UncleRadley · 29/06/2023 18:40

Birthdays really aren't a big deal. So I think you're being slightly precious about it. And their anniversary only matters to them, I have no idea when any of my family's anniversaries are. As you get older you celebrate birthdays with friends and your own family rather than siblings, so I can see why they wouldn't have thought it would an issue.

GeekyThings · 29/06/2023 19:18

Birthdaywedding · 29/06/2023 18:19

@GeekyThings that's it. You hit the nail on the head - I get it now.

I hate my birthday, always have. I think it's because I never got a fuss as a child and was hoping for a long time it would finally happen.

Thanks everyone.

I don't think you should punish yourself for it too harshly - most 20 year olds are still pretty blinkered, let alone a 20 year old who has had an unusually unfortunate childhood that's left them with no knowledge of how to just be!

I think moving on is easier said than done, and I really do mean it when I say maybe you need to consider speaking to someone who can help. Counselling is brilliant, and can really make the difference for you at this point, both with coming to terms with your childhood and with moving forward now. I got some in my 20s and I don't regret it at all, it really helped me to frame things so I could see my life in relation to everyone else's and understand why I didn't feel or react the same way they did to things. It made all the difference!

Gateappreciation · 29/06/2023 19:22

Many years ago you could only get married in church or register office, so you were restricted on dates. Maybe they took the only date they could, or if sil chose the day not realising it was your birthday. Maybe they chose the first suitable day after you returned home.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/06/2023 19:27

This wouldnt bother me at all. In fact I'd be thinking great, there will be loads to celebrate on my birthday, I'll see all my family at once...and I'd have been glad they booked it when I was already home so I didnt have to book my trip home. And if I wanted a special celebration only about me I'd have it on another day.

But I have a nice family who generally make a fuss of each other including me and it sounds like not having this is the root of your upset

MissyB1 · 29/06/2023 19:33

Dh and I got married on my birthday! We thought we were being clever, we actually regret having my birthday and our anniversary on the same day now, as the anniversary gets swallowed up in my birthday.

Anyway OP, I don’t think this is about your brother’s wedding, it’s about your family dynamics.

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