Child growing up - finding it really difficult

[lakelike]

I have one DD, She turned 18 in April, has just finished her A-Levels, is likely to move to London in September for university (we live in Cumbria so the literal other end of the country). Tomorrow is her prom, the on Sunday, she, her boyfriend and two friends leave to travel around Europe for 6 weeks, be back the Monday before she gets her A-Level results and all being well, move to London soon after.
I am not coping. she is my only child and was a massive surprise, my DH and I were told we couldn't have children then when we were 38 and 40 got pregnant with her, she is incredible and truly our best friend. I'm so proud of the incredible young lady she is becoming but I'm also struggling with her growing up massively.
The fear of her travelling and moving away is all consuming, I can't sleep for worrying that she will get hurt, or fall ill, or something awful will happen while she is away and I won't be there to help or look after her. DH keeps telling me I'm being crazy and she will be fine but it seems like every time I turn the news on something awful has happened.
AIBU to be so worried?
Mums of grown up children. how did you handle? Am I going crazy?

It’s hard, but it does get easier.
When my first went to Uni I was tying myself in knots wondering where she was, was she getting murdered somewhere. It took time, but eventually I realised that I could go a day without thinking about her.
You need to find things to occupy your mind while you let her go.

I have one child, my daughter. She’s a toddler now, but I’ve started to wonder how I’ll find it when she grows up and builds a life away from us. I think I’ll find it difficult, but also will be pleased that we have raised a young woman capable of holding her own in the world, which I think is the ultimate goal really. It sounds like you’ve raised someone with confidence and the ability to be independent - be proud of that and look to find other ways to fulfil your life as well as being a loving parent.

Mine are 24 and 17. The eldest lives independently and works ft having lived at home for university. The youngest is doing A Levels and is looming at moving away for university.

I'm just so proud of them and so excited for their futures! I can't believe that these are the wonderful people I created and gifted to the world. I haven't really considered how I feel about it.

A bit mental yes. You've clearly raised an intelligent, autonomous, independent young lady who has a bright future at uni ahead of her, a good social network and a hunger to go and see the world. You've done amazingly and you should be proud.

I don't know. I'm watching this thread with interest as I lose my mind about my (only) child leaving primary this year. I'm a bag of mixed emotions.

I feel your pain and as a PP says have already started contemplating this stage of my life despite my kids being still young. It's a moment of massive rupture & I can completely understand the pain, the worry, the missing them.

I guess the only thing you can do is try to also make a positive change in your life, too- a friend of mine is jet-setting all over the place since her DD left home, eating out, seeing old mates. I accept this is not possible for everyone, but maybe there's something you've wanted to learn/do/see for a long time but pushed to the side of your mind? Now is the time!

Whatever you do, try not to let on that you are agonising over her entirely to-be-celebrated blossoming as an adult. My mum never managed that and it has had an impact on our relationship. Also, the cooler you are, the more likely she is to come back ;-)

I was pleased my children were becoming independent and moving away. I wanted them to have opportunities I didn't have. I was a single parent and I brought them up to set them free. I was worried about them but that's normal. They both coped very well and I'm very proud of them.

It’s really hard. But you’re already doing the right thing in letting her live her own life. Keep yourself busy, find a new and exciting hobby which you can show off to her, mine like being able to say, “ my mum does this, or is doing that”
Also she’ll be home before you know it, uni terms are surprisingly short, especially if you give yourself something extra to do. Redecorate!!

Take it one step at a time. She’s home with you now, she’ll have a great holiday then she’ll be back. Enjoy those last few weeks before she leaves for university. And don’t worry, there will be long holidays and reading weeks when she’ll be home. She might even bring her city friends with her to experience the beauty of Cumbria.

In the meantime you will find time to time to engage with new hobbies and friendships. You’ll also probably be able to have more social life with DH again. It’s natural to worry, but it will likely be fine!

My DD is 11 months old. Our only ever child because of infertility and I often think I will feel exactly like you are feeling now.
I have bad anxiety and I feel I am only coping now because she is with me all the time!
I am hopeful that when we get to this point after a year or so I will enjoy the freedom for a bit then look into fostering.
I would say keep busy, extra hobbies, learn to cook new cuisines etc
WhatsApp is great to have these days too. I only see my parents a few times a year but they get updates from me most days whether they want them or not 😂

I was the only child in this situation.

I don't think it's unreasonable or unnatural to feel how you do, but please don't display any of this to your DD. My mum was devastated when I moved 6hrs away for uni at 18, and I felt extremely burdened and guilty over her sadness. She was very open with me over what she was feeling.

Tell her how proud you are and wave her off with a big smile.

When I was 18 I had a huge mental breakdown about leaving home and going to university. I hated being away from home, had no confidence or ambition and just generally found life very hard.

If I were you, I'd be proud you've raised a daughter who is equipped to make her own way in the world and seize life's opportunities. The alternative is a lot worse!

It's hurt me like a physical pain. I have four children. My oldest two moved out a few years ago, number 3 is going this month and it's no easier. At all.
But. . .
With the older two I love going to visit their homes, I have two little GC now and it's another dimension to my life. Visiting and chatting on the phone. It's so hard but it does get easier and you'll find a new joy in the new relationship this creates. I absolutely love it now. I just have to get through the next few months of my boy leaving. It's making me feel ill.

The millions of young adults who live safe, normal lives do not get on the news. Stop watching/reading it and catastrophising. For her sake, do not let her know how you are feeling, either.

It’s hard but do your grieving and then just enjoy it. Have holidays when you like. Have a lovely tidy house. Eat whatever you want when you want. Toast for dinner I’d you can’t be arsed. Try and remember what you did before she came along and get stuck in.

of course I’m full of advice mine is leaving at the end of the summer and I will be a mess! But she has had a year at home between school and uni and has done a bit of travelling etc so I feel I know what is coming

I am a single parent of an only child, a year younger than yours, so I know how you are feeling. However, while she is a wonderful person, wonderful company and I prefer to spend time with her than anyone on the planet, we are not best friends. She has her own life and secrets and thoughts and experiences that I am not part of and nor should I be.
Bit trite I know, but we raise our children to have roots and wings.

I'm on the same timeline as you, my 18yo only child DD is going to uni in a (long haul) different country in August. I will miss her but I'm also really excited for her. It's the next stage of her life and a fantastic opportunity. I raised her to be independent and live independently so i think i've done an ok job.

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you see your DD as your best friend. Sorry but that is fucked up thinking. She is not your best friend, she's your daughter with her own best friends. You need to get a hold of your anxiety too. Have you considered that she's away for six weeks and then at uni such a distance away because she finds you smothering?

I dropped my dd off at university, then drove home wailing like a mad woman! It was awful. Don't listen to people telling you you shouldn't feel what you're feeling! It's perfectly possible to be bursting with pride about your child growing up, and about yourself having brought them up to be strong and confident and independent, AND be consumed with grief at the huge gap in your life. Try very hard not to show how you feel, and wave her of faith a smile. Then have your cry and start planning the next phase of your life. But it is absolutely fine to be a bit devastated. Absolutely fine.

I feel your pain, OP. I am dreading my oldest going to Uni, he’s not going for another 15 months. I’ll have DD at home, I shall smoother her in love and kindness until she leaves me too. Boohoo. Take joy knowing you have produced a remarkable young woman, independent and clever.

I hear ya !!
I’m a couple years behind u but yes I will feel the same I’m sure !!
ps agree with pp who points out your daughter is not your BFF

I agree with this ^

It's really hard, and really weird. I cried on and off for a week when she left.

I missed her so much. Little things that we did together. I missed the female company. But got used to it after a few weeks. she's come back as we live in london and she can't afford her own place yet so .......

Then DS left for uni,and it was easier 2nd time around and I'm much more relaxed. Watching his little face when we left him was so emotional but he was so ready for independence. He's thriving.

As time passes you make a new life for you and DH, and start to relish the freedom, the tidiness, the peace. But when they come back to visit and bring the noise and chaos back, it is rather wonderful too

It's been a positive thing for me and DH too. Our relationship has never been better. We get on so well and make time for each other. And being able to have noisy sex at home is great (!!!!😂).

Focus on yourself for a while, it will be an alien feeling. Treat yourself to something nice. Do something you've been putting off for a while.

She will be fine. She will be happy. You'll get used to it

I’m a mum to a 1yr old and 7 yr old. I’ve decided mine are never leaving home 😂

I have 3 daughters oldest is 18 youngest 13, I am struggling terribly and I think due to covid they seem younger than they are as they missed out on important growing up years if you know what I mean, all of a sudden they're adults and want to go their own way, my 13 year old thinks she's 18 so feel like none of them need me like they did 😭 if you have a good relationship with your husband plan dates, holidays etc to take your mind off a bit and put yourself first (it's been a while) unfortunately my marriage isn't in a good way which adds to the pressure as I feel really lonely. Wish I could listen to my own advise as I drive myself stir crazy with worry, 🤞🤞 it'll get easier x

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you see your DD as your best friend. Sorry but that is fucked up thinking. She is not your best friend, she's your daughter with her own best friends. You need to get a hold of your anxiety too. Have you considered that she's away for six weeks and then at uni such a distance away because she finds you smothering?

Why so people have to be so vile and twist the most innocuous comments?

Jeez.

Imagine telling a woman struggling with empty nest syndrome that her daughter must secretly hate her 🙃

OP, I have no advice but my child starting secondary school this year has made me feel like I’m on a countdown to an empty nest too. And it doesn’t feel good.