Page 2 | Child growing up - finding it really difficult

lakelike · 2023-06-29T15:08:15+00:00

I have one DD, She turned 18 in April, has just finished her A-Levels, is likely to move to London in September for university (we live in Cumbria so the literal other end of the country). Tomorrow is her prom, the on Sunday, she, her boyfriend and two friends leave to travel around Europe for 6 weeks, be back the Monday before she gets her A-Level results and all being well, move to London soon after. I am not coping. she is my only child and was a massive surprise, my DH and I were told we couldn't have children then when we were 38 and 40 got pregnant with her, she is incredible and truly our best friend. I'm so proud of the incredible young lady she is becoming but I'm also struggling with her growing up massively. The fear of her travelling and moving away is all consuming, I can't sleep for worrying that she will get hurt, or fall ill, or something awful will happen while she is away and I won't be there to help or look after her. DH keeps telling me I'm being crazy and she will be fine but it seems like every time I turn the news on something awful has happened. AIBU to be so worried? Mums of grown up children. how did you handle? Am I going crazy?

LadyDaffodil · 29/06/2023 19:43

I hear you. My 18 is leaving for Uni this year as well and I'm dreading it. I know I'm her Mum, not her friend, but we are such good mates. I know we've raised her to be a confident, independent young lady and I'm delighted she knows what she wants to do with her life and has a plan. But I can't bear the thought of not seeing her everyday 😢

Dogslife25 · 29/06/2023 19:45

Mine daughter is taking a gap year gutted but deep down I'm happy as she'll be home longer 😆😆 as long as she actually goes next year as much as it'll kill me I want her to succeed

N0tANOoDl3He4D · 29/06/2023 19:58

Used to think it was insert eyeroll emoji when people catastrophised/ worried about this.

Now I'm about to be in the same position (but with eldest of two) and while I don't think mine will leave home either for a long time or at all due to some conditions, I keep having these funny feelings inside, and getting intrusive thoughts about him ending up far away and me not being there to help.

Because things have a habit of going wrong and needing fixing for both my kids all the time and I'm so used to having to advocate for them and explain them or whatever, to others, even to those who supposedly know what they're talking about because 'training'.

I try not to think about it and focus on other things.

I don't know how I'd feel to not be having any quality time with my one child before such a huge life change though. Nice your kid is going off to do something amazing before the move, but I'd miss mine so much and feel rather bereft too, I think.

CherryLipgloss · 29/06/2023 20:02

I hear you OP. My eldest is 17 and so independent now - he drives, has a girlfriend etc. It feels weird to be needed so much for so long and then all of a sudden barely needed at all! I have two younger DC but they'll be there too before I know it...

MumblesParty · 29/06/2023 20:06

DS will be going to university 4 hours away in September if he gets the grades. And tomorrow he’s off on a lads trip to Greece. I’m terrified.

LessonLearnedOrLearnt · 29/06/2023 20:10

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you see your DD as your best friend. Sorry but that is fucked up thinking. She is not your best friend, she's your daughter with her own best friends. You need to get a hold of your anxiety too. Have you considered that she's away for six weeks and then at uni such a distance away because she finds you smothering?

What a nasty thing to say.

Ignore them, OP.

elenacampana · 29/06/2023 20:13

CalistoNoSolo · 29/06/2023 19:11

I'm on the same timeline as you, my 18yo only child DD is going to uni in a (long haul) different country in August. I will miss her but I'm also really excited for her. It's the next stage of her life and a fantastic opportunity. I raised her to be independent and live independently so i think i've done an ok job.

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you see your DD as your best friend. Sorry but that is fucked up thinking. She is not your best friend, she's your daughter with her own best friends. You need to get a hold of your anxiety too. Have you considered that she's away for six weeks and then at uni such a distance away because she finds you smothering?

This is really mean and the last couple of lines are very unnecessary.

JaninaDuszejko · 29/06/2023 20:16

Plan something positive for yourself. A holiday or a new evening class or project at work?

YukoandHiro · 29/06/2023 20:20

I'm an only child and my mum struggled a lot when I left for uni, but she told me what really helped was changing her routine. So she'd work later in her job, then come home and her straight out in the garden in the evening (that September was really sunny) which was not her usual pattern. Her and my dad had a mini break during term time (previously impossible) and then before they knew it I was home again for reading week. The terms at every short, only 4-5 weeks of teaching really between each break

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 20:27

CalistoNoSolo · 29/06/2023 19:11

I'm on the same timeline as you, my 18yo only child DD is going to uni in a (long haul) different country in August. I will miss her but I'm also really excited for her. It's the next stage of her life and a fantastic opportunity. I raised her to be independent and live independently so i think i've done an ok job.

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you see your DD as your best friend. Sorry but that is fucked up thinking. She is not your best friend, she's your daughter with her own best friends. You need to get a hold of your anxiety too. Have you considered that she's away for six weeks and then at uni such a distance away because she finds you smothering?

Have you considered your child is moving to a different country because you’re an absolute twat?

Littlemissprosecco · 29/06/2023 20:28

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 20:27

Have you considered your child is moving to a different country because you’re an absolute twat?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

elenacampana · 29/06/2023 20:44

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 20:27

Have you considered your child is moving to a different country because you’re an absolute twat?

Show quote history

👌🏻😂

Greenpin · 29/06/2023 20:46

It's hard and you will be upset. It's difficult to believe people when they say you will get used to it but actually you do. You start new routines , find a new normal. Sometimes you even forget about them for a while!
But as for learning not to worry about them , that's an impossibility as a parent I think. My mum still worried about us until the day she died. It's getting a perspective on the worries and not letting them dominate your life. Try to enjoy the wonderful confident ,adult your daughter is becoming.

Bonelly · 29/06/2023 21:15

Aw op. I'm not looking forward to this either.
Yeah yeah have a great job, friends, hobbies, dogs, relationship blah blah. Sure some of these things can expand to fill the gaps and I'm heartened to read to learn to relish the peace, tidiness and freedom. But oh it will be a massive adjustment. You'll get there.

blueballoony · 29/06/2023 21:59

I'm dreading this stage OP and my only is 10 yo! You have clearly done a great job though because despite all of your internal concerns your dd feels comfortable to go and travel with her friends.

You will be ok, she will be ok. And as Pp have said don't tell her how you feel other than the usual I will miss you. My younger sister was my mums favourite and I noticed how much extra pressure was on her to stay close by.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/06/2023 22:31

Well, just imagine how unhappy you’d be if she knew how you felt and out of guilt cancelled all her exciting plans just to stop you being sad. I guarantee that would make you feel worse…

Try to be excited for her. Her life is just beginning. It’s so exciting and you’ve done a good job with her for her to have all these plans and all this independence. Being worried and sad is normal.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/06/2023 22:34

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 20:27

Have you considered your child is moving to a different country because you’re an absolute twat?

Show quote history

Brava. 😆

Equalitea · 29/06/2023 22:49

It is tough when they fly the nest I think often people get a pet.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 29/06/2023 22:59

My dd is 17yo and keeps talking about travelling and going to uni, I'm excited for her but it's just been me and her since she was born...

It's really really hard.

BonnieGlasses · 29/06/2023 23:04

PP have a fair point. I'd be willing to bet the 18 yo doesn't consider her parents to be her best friends. Or if she does there's something wrong!

FurElsie · 29/06/2023 23:11

She's going away with her boyfriend and other friends - how lovely, and you really don't need to worry about her then, and when she's off to uni, similar, any chances of anything badhappening are so low. So you need to concentrate on you, and letting her go so you can gave a lovely adult relationship with her for the rest of youee lives, not an anxious one that will drive her away 💕

Fluffycloudsblusky · 29/06/2023 23:21

My oldest is going to Uni in September. In a different country.
I have realised part of the solution is to fill my life with what will to start with be distractions. But will hopefully become part of my life.
You have done a great job. Pat yourself on the back. Have a cry. But then start to make a lovely life for you and DH.

Mischance · 29/06/2023 23:47

I have 3 grown up DDs. I remember the first coming to visit from uni and she was going out somewhere and I was doing the Mum thing ... "Take care, dont be late. How are you getting home etc. etc" She grinned and pointed out that when she is at uni she could be up to all sorts and I would neither know nor worry. But, I protested, I do not know about those things ... I do know about this!"
You can't worry about them the whole time they are away. I remind myself of my own independence at a similar age. In the end you have to switch off a bit or you would go mad. The only time I was a bit frantic was when one of them was being stalked ... I just wanted her back in the bosom of the family!

TammyJones · 30/06/2023 06:34

@GreyCarpet

Mine are 24 and 17. The eldest lives independently and works ft having lived at home for university. The youngest is doing A Levels and is looming at moving away for university.

I'm just so proud of them and so excited for their futures! I can't believe that these are the wonderful people I created and gifted to the world. I haven't really considered how I feel about it.
""""."""""""""""""""""""""
Mostly this.
Mine are 10 years on from this
Both settled with jobs in their university city's
Miss then of course but like me you done a good job and your dd will be fine
You brought up a strong independent woman
You need ti now develop new interests and hobbies- mines gardening- something I'd not been that bothered about - now I love it
And strengthen your relationship with your partner
This can be a fabulous time for you op.

Mooda · 30/06/2023 07:21

My DD19 is a year ahead of yours and has had a tough old time in her first year at uni. Lots of factors but she just finds life hard. She's been on the phone to me for sometimes hours pretty much every night, often upset and sobbing. I would absolutely have loved her to have left and lived her life and not 'needed' me so much at this stage - my heart breaks for her a bit. Honestly OP - try to be happy about where your DD is - it sounds like her life is everything you'd want for her at this stage and that's a wonderful thing for you and for her.