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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been played by this acquaintance? Amended version!

39 replies

Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 14:34

I'm keeping this vague just in case but I hope the whole situation described comes over properly.

A family member Ann works with a nice bubbly woman Beth. She recently asked Annie if we'd like to go out for a meal, never been in my radar before as a socialising companion. I'm socially anxious and have been socially hibernating for about 6 months. My HRT has kicked in and I feel a bit braver now. So I thought why not.

We went out about a month ago with Beth's friend Cassiopeia. It was quite a nice night. I enjoyed but the couple of hours socially exhausted me.

Towards the end of the evening Beth just blurted out, "Oh yeah are you two going to XYZ event?"

Well she knows we are because she only really know of it because Ann was raving about it before Christmas. On the Basis of that Beth and Cassiopeia bought tickets.

The event is in August. Ann and I have been approx 12 times, it's something significant that we do as much as possible and we look forward to it and cherish the memories and the anticipation.

This event is August is more special because reasons than any of the previous.

After disingenuously asking if we were going Beth then started talking about how arduous it'd be as it's be 4 trains and an over night stay for the 2 of them. It's in a pricy location.

I'm driving.

There and back on the same day.

So she asked if we could go together. Blindsided, I muttered yes for fucks sake.

That's a whole day with practical strangers (nice people though) and me saving them a lot of money. And our normal vibe at the event now spend with other people and all the changes and compromises that comes with.

There's a potential that Cassiopeia can't make it, so the conversation was left with me saying "let me know if how that potential works out and then we'll make decisions"

I'm committed aren't I?

Mine and Beth's extra special lovely Day Out is changed isn't it? And not in a good way, in my view.

But I'm too wimpy to back out.

Hotels will be £300 a night I think, no idea on train costs.

Yabu - suck it up you're stuck with it.

Yanbu - sympathies, the change is hellish

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 14:35

Beth the acquaintance drives, not sure why she's planned such and onerous travel itinerary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 14:36

Mine and ANN'S extra special lovely Day Out is changed isn't it? And not in a good way, in my view.

Hmm I'm a doofus, apologies

OP posts:
Wakeywake · 29/06/2023 14:39

Just say you thought about it and you want to have a special day with Ann so you changed your mind. She's not exactly a close friend you don't want to offend.

Minikievs · 29/06/2023 14:47

I agree with @Wakeywake, just say after consideration, it's not something you're willing to do. If you don't back out now, you'll end up stuck with her/them and will resent it all day.

Can I also say you've properly made me smile by using Cassiopeia rather than Caroline or Catherine as person c Grin
I applaud the random choice!

StevieNicksfan · 29/06/2023 14:47

Have you discussed this with Ann? Did Ann know this was going to be sprung on you and was the meal invitation concocted by them to "butter you up"? If she's someone you only know thru Ann then tell Ann to tell her. They must all know you've been struggling. Don't sacrifice yourself and your happiness for other people. You don't owe them anything, they sprung it on you. Tell Ann you have had chance to think and you'd prefer it to be just you and her as usual. Other people change the dynamic of things, especially if that other woman doesn't come and then it'll be an awkward threesome. If there is really no way out of this then make it clear that the petrol money, parking costs and any other expenses will be split equally.

ManateeFair · 29/06/2023 14:55

My guess is that what actually happened is that Beth mentioned to Ann that she was going to this event on her recommendation and was thinking about travel and accommodation costs, and that Ann then said 'Oh, my sister Travellingthere is driving us there and back in one day - maybe we could all go together' and suggested that Beth arrange and evening out so you could get to know each other first.

I sympathise, because I would hate to spend a whole day at an event with a couple of people I barely know too. However, I don't think it's really a case of Beth 'playing you' to be honest. I think for a lot of people what she's asked would seem perfectly reasonable and sensible.

Remember that Beth and Cassiopeia don't actually know that you're anxious about socialising, and will have no idea that this event is such a big special cherished thing for you. You've built it up that way in your head but to anyone else it's just someone going to an event they've been to a dozen times before with their sister rather than something that has so much emotional significance to you.

Also, you could have just said no or that you weren't sure at the moment.

ManateeFair · 29/06/2023 14:56

Sorry, just realised I just assumed Ann was your sister when you actually just said 'family member' - apologies

StevieNicksfan · 29/06/2023 14:59

Just another thought, get Ann to tell them that you are a really nervous driver who needs to concentrate and that having one or two more people in the back, most likely chatting, will distract you. Leave Ann to sort this out, it's her friend not yours. If I was Ann I'd be feeling guilty at this Beth putting you in this position and I'd want to take this worry away from you. Also, if I was this Beth and someone told me they were a nervous driver with extra passengers, then I'd be glad they told me and I'd rather take the train. You can just say you were too embarrassed at the meal to go into details about your anxiety and you were put on the spot but now you've had time to think about it, there's no way you can give them a lift.

FeebasAquarium · 29/06/2023 15:04

Could you lift share and then split up when you get there?
Explain perhaps it’s your ‘thing’ but you’re happy to share the travel and you'll meet back at the car at x o’clock. Although that’s a bit more awkward if Cassiopeia drops out.

I'm assuming they’re giving you petrol money? (As in they should and you’ve not mentioned it)

CrazyArmadilloLady · 29/06/2023 15:12

Ok, this is going to be unsympathetic. But … it might actually be fun?

’Played you’…? I mean ….. just wow.

I can’t imagine going through life like this.

It’s just people being human, doing nice, human things together.

You’ve built it up in your head to being this awful thing.

I’m not saying, in your words, ‘YABU suck it up you're stuck with it’.

I’m saying, YABU - what’s the big fuss about? Relax and enjoy it. Ann’s a nice person, and it sounds like Beth is, too. Have a nice day out. Make a new friend. What’s the worst that could happen?

Peachy2005 · 29/06/2023 15:17

Just back out if it’s upsetting you! Either you or Ann can send a message saying it no longer suits. You said Beth drives so it’s her own choice whether to drive or take the train and stay the night - their expenses aren’t your problem.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 29/06/2023 15:17

I know MN is the home of the anti-social, I get that so many of you just hate people.

But this place is littered with lonely people, sad that they don’t have friends, and who feel like life is passing them by.

Here’s a nice person, reaching out, making and hoping for a connection, and you’re all ‘I’ve been played’.

As ever, MN is a window into another world for me.

Holly60 · 29/06/2023 15:20

So to summarise, you are giving a lift to two extra people to a place you were going anyway? And they are nice people, you say?

You don't have to compromise on what you do when you get there. You can state what you want to do and they can join in or do something different.

YABU, and miserable. Just unclench and have a nice time.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/06/2023 15:27

Agree petrol money well before you set off, ie weeks ahead and get the money off them beforehand too.

Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:41

Wakeywake · 29/06/2023 14:39

Just say you thought about it and you want to have a special day with Ann so you changed your mind. She's not exactly a close friend you don't want to offend.

But it's going to create an awkwardness between Ann and Beth, and I wouldn't want to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:41

Minikievs · 29/06/2023 14:47

I agree with @Wakeywake, just say after consideration, it's not something you're willing to do. If you don't back out now, you'll end up stuck with her/them and will resent it all day.

Can I also say you've properly made me smile by using Cassiopeia rather than Caroline or Catherine as person c Grin
I applaud the random choice!

Why thank you Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:44

StevieNicksfan · 29/06/2023 14:59

Just another thought, get Ann to tell them that you are a really nervous driver who needs to concentrate and that having one or two more people in the back, most likely chatting, will distract you. Leave Ann to sort this out, it's her friend not yours. If I was Ann I'd be feeling guilty at this Beth putting you in this position and I'd want to take this worry away from you. Also, if I was this Beth and someone told me they were a nervous driver with extra passengers, then I'd be glad they told me and I'd rather take the train. You can just say you were too embarrassed at the meal to go into details about your anxiety and you were put on the spot but now you've had time to think about it, there's no way you can give them a lift.

I don't think Ann knew that this was going to be sprung on us.

She knows I'm an introvert and also has introvert tendencies so I think she would have given me the heads up if she knew.

There's some wise words in your post, thank you. I'll take heed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:46

ManateeFair · 29/06/2023 14:55

My guess is that what actually happened is that Beth mentioned to Ann that she was going to this event on her recommendation and was thinking about travel and accommodation costs, and that Ann then said 'Oh, my sister Travellingthere is driving us there and back in one day - maybe we could all go together' and suggested that Beth arrange and evening out so you could get to know each other first.

I sympathise, because I would hate to spend a whole day at an event with a couple of people I barely know too. However, I don't think it's really a case of Beth 'playing you' to be honest. I think for a lot of people what she's asked would seem perfectly reasonable and sensible.

Remember that Beth and Cassiopeia don't actually know that you're anxious about socialising, and will have no idea that this event is such a big special cherished thing for you. You've built it up that way in your head but to anyone else it's just someone going to an event they've been to a dozen times before with their sister rather than something that has so much emotional significance to you.

Also, you could have just said no or that you weren't sure at the moment.

Thank you for your empathies.

I don't think Ann would have offered for us to go together, she knows what a cherished time it is for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:49

CrazyArmadilloLady · 29/06/2023 15:12

Ok, this is going to be unsympathetic. But … it might actually be fun?

’Played you’…? I mean ….. just wow.

I can’t imagine going through life like this.

It’s just people being human, doing nice, human things together.

You’ve built it up in your head to being this awful thing.

I’m not saying, in your words, ‘YABU suck it up you're stuck with it’.

I’m saying, YABU - what’s the big fuss about? Relax and enjoy it. Ann’s a nice person, and it sounds like Beth is, too. Have a nice day out. Make a new friend. What’s the worst that could happen?

Just because you can't imagine my anxiety regarding situations like this, doesn't mean they're not true and real.

It would be an absolute horror to me to have a Safe Space of mine, which thus event is, altered to include other extrovert bubbly talky people.

It took me a while to decompress from the meal that we went to and I actually enjoyed.

Your post is quite unsympathetic. But I envy your attitude to life, and I do I wish I could live with an approach more like yours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Travelingthere · 29/06/2023 15:52

CrazyArmadilloLady · 29/06/2023 15:17

I know MN is the home of the anti-social, I get that so many of you just hate people.

But this place is littered with lonely people, sad that they don’t have friends, and who feel like life is passing them by.

Here’s a nice person, reaching out, making and hoping for a connection, and you’re all ‘I’ve been played’.

As ever, MN is a window into another world for me.

The I've been played summary? The invitation was out of nowhere and we aren't from the same tribe, there's utterly nothing similar between me and Ann and our lives.

I thought the request to get together was odd at the time and wish I'd have trusted my first instincts not to go. I wouldn't be in this pickle now.

But I was trying to be brave.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 29/06/2023 15:57

Meanwhile Ann is starting a thread trying to get out of an awkward day trip....

Oblomov23 · 29/06/2023 16:06

"But I'm too wimpy to back out."

You should stand up for yourself. "You caught me on the hopp the other night, but it's actually more significant than that - it's a special event, actually Beth and I prefer to go just us two, we've been going just us two for 10+ years".

Easily sorted.

kweeble · 29/06/2023 16:09

You’ve been played; Beth can drive but made a fuss about hotels to bump you into agreeing to travel together.
I would say I’ve thought about it and would prefer to travel as a couple - no excuses are necessary as she will try to talk you out of them. This could happen every year if you don’t stop it now.

TopoPizza · 29/06/2023 16:12

I completely get the awkwardness of this, going with your friend is precious to you - you are comfortable in each other’s company, and you know what to expect. Now these extra people are on board which changes everything.
I read something today that was about helping people who were indecisive - it was about fear of change. Not saying this is your situation but the message was - change is part of life’s journey - and if changes happen, they can be positive as well as negative. Fear of change is presuming that change will be negative but it could be really positive- so before you come up with a reason to not bring them, maybe consider this could be a really positive change, you could have a great day, they could become great friends, one of them might share an interest of yours that no one else does etc. This is how friendships blossom, shared extended experiences. Your mindset matters, try to focus on the positives in this situation.
If you can’t see any positives in it, then you need to and talk to your friend about the day - ask her how she feels about it -especially if it is particularly significant. Between you you can come up with a plan. Good luck.

TiredandHungry19 · 29/06/2023 16:14

I'm also very socially anxious and have had CBT for social anxiety and I think your attitude to this is bizarre. You have not been 'played' by people you said were nice and bubbly, and this could be a good opportunity to expose yourself to social situations (which is uncomfortable but massively helpful for social anxiety) and make some new friends. If you think they're taking advantage of the driving then just let them know you and the other one split petrol costs so between the four of you that makes it £X, I'm sure they'll be happy to contribute so actually saving you some money. Otherwise, you need to learn not to say Yes to things you want to say No to - backing out later is rude, socially anxious or not, and if you really don't want to do social things like that then you have to get used to saying no, it's really that simple.