Boundaries or Rude with in laws?

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Very long backstory with my hideous MIL but essentially she is extremely rude, combative and vindictive towards me. Dh has been going to therapy to deal with the anger issues he has largely due to her and to help set boundaries.

But I need some perspective as I'm too close to this. Which course of action would you consider healthier boundaries and the least rude?

MIL arranging to visit, in four weeks we will be going on holiday. In those four weeks our family dog and my parents dog is to be put down due to advanced cancer. I have two massive deadlines that require a lot of work. We're looking after a friends child for a long weekend during that time too. As well as the usual daily grind with two children under five at home.

So would you -

A) say no, there's too much on our plates you cannot visit before the holiday. But we can look at dates that suit us all after then.

Or

B) say to MIL let us know what dates you want to visit and we can figure out if it'll work (with the intention to say no no matter what).

A

A

Visit for the day or a longer trip?

A

A

A.

A

A
I think it's rude to mess people around by dangling a possibility in front of them when you know the answer is no at the start.

But the way you describe MIL, if she doesn't get her way she'll think you're rude no matter how kind and polite you are.

Just be straight and direct.

I’d go with B. I’m getting the impression you know she’ll be nasty whatever you do, so why not keep things easier for you and your husband in what sounds like a stressful time.

Sorry! That would have been helpful. Overnight for at least one, usually two, as she lives 6 hours away.

Why does an extremely rude, combative and vindictive person need to be in your house for sleepovers? Just ditch her, who cares, return her energy.

A. How is B setting boundaries?!

Say that you'd love to see her, but not til you come back from your holidays and then fix a date.

I was going to say A, but actually I agree with this. If she's a nightmare, why invite her?

C. This

What if you say B and she keeps coming up with alternatives which you & just can't do'. Just be honest and simple upfront. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't need to come at all.

A, even with nice in-laws.

It sounds like your MIL has asked herself to your house.

Definitely A. B is not setting boundaries and you are going to say 'no' anyway so you might as well get it over with instead of dragging it out and worrying about what she is going to say for days. She'll either get over it or die mad.

Thank you for all the responses - honestly really helpful.

As for why the hideous cow is still in our lives. She's very clever and hid her behaviour for years from my dh. So it was my word against hers. Dh asked me to keep quiet and play nice in the hopes that she'd stop. Then once she started doing it in front of him it's become a THING. Hence the therapy and difficulty with setting boundaries and finding a healthy way forward. It's not always as simple as just cutting people off unfortunately.

Definitely A. Shouldn't be too hard to imply chaos and the fun of "other people's children" too. Even if she's a nice child, mil is not to know

A

Even with the best in-laws in the world, A is the only reasonable answer.

In this particular scenario, it's almost a red herring that MIL is awful. I'd be telling my best friend that just now isn't a convenient time, let alone someone I don't like!

A, no doubt!!!

Book the date now. For after the holiday.

There will always be too much on because you don't want to see her, so bite the bullet and do it after the holiday so you can work around it.

A.

People who don't respect boundaries will always push at any area of grey.

Be black and white. Say not before the holiday.

Then book a date for after the holiday (preferably far away) and say you're looking forward to seeing her then, so she can play the victim.