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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not feeling up to cooking as have pregnancy nausea

47 replies

Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 18:19

I’m fairly early into my pregnancy and am having nausea from about 4ish… I’m usually the one that does the cooking but I’m struggling to be inspired and I’m bone tired after work. Every night my partner asks what’s for dinner. On Sunday I did picknicky bits my son likes but my partner doesn’t like cold food. On Monday I ordered a takeaway for us and made scrambled egg for the son. Yesterday I just couldn’t summon the energy up so I made cheese toasties for my son and had a little bit to keep my hunger at bay. While I had a bath he ordered a takeaway for himself without asking me if I wanted anything.

Today he asked what was for dinner and I said I don’t know. He then said ‘is this going to keep happening every night.’ I said probably yes while I’m feeling sick and he said angrily we should be having a conversation about it. I pointed out that he hadn’t attempted to have the conversation before now and I didn’t think it was my sole responsibility to come up with meals anyway- and him getting angry about me not feeling up to cooking isn’t very nice- we’ve had various conversations in the past where he had suggested he helps more anyway but nothing manifests. He does bedtimes with my son every night but zero housework. Also, every evening we of course make sure my son has his tea/ that’s not an issue. He’s just put on some fish fingers for my son and potato waffles and walked off the shed where he works and hides saying to call him when my son has eaten. In my head he should just think that by doing this he is being helpful and contributing and sharing the load- not a reason to stalk off and be in a bad mood?!!!

OP posts:
LtotheOG · 28/06/2023 18:28

Why can't he cook dinner? Is he disabled? An amputee?

Natty13 · 28/06/2023 18:37

Another woman who settled for a man who does no housework or cooking and wants to have a moan because she's now living the reality of that choice.

Yawn.

Original poster
Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 18:57

Natty13 · 28/06/2023 18:37

Another woman who settled for a man who does no housework or cooking and wants to have a moan because she's now living the reality of that choice.

Yawn.

Thank you. That’s actually useful for me, even if you are so bored, lol. My partner tells me that my expectations are unrealistic and men who do actually share responsibility like this are unicorns- I can now share this with him. Hope you enjoy your nap!

OP posts:
Original poster
Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 19:05

LtotheOG · 28/06/2023 18:28

Why can't he cook dinner? Is he disabled? An amputee?

You know what. I’m a total idiot. I’ve lost myself in this relationship because I keep hoping stuff will change. My ex husband treated me as an equal, cleaned cooked, but was incapable of having a conversation and we just weren’t connected. My excitement at having a mental connection with this guy has clouded all my principles about sharing responsibility and because he gets angry and I want to avoid conflict, I’ve sucked it up. I’m boring myself.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 28/06/2023 19:10

Oh god bless you. I was so sick for months with both of mine, I was vomiting on the way to work, couldn’t eat, let alone cook.

Of course you need him to make his own bloody dinner, with a bit for you if you can face it.

What’s with your son? Is he not your DP’s son? I’m guessing not.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 28/06/2023 19:13

Urgh, he's being an arse, OP. I'm in the same boat - my husband's not the best cook, but you best believe he's trying his hardest to whack on a couple of burgers/fish fingers/ pasta bake in the evenings.

Tell him - quite firmly - to have a word with himself. Pregnancy is not easy.

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2023 19:13

Natty13 · 28/06/2023 18:37

Another woman who settled for a man who does no housework or cooking and wants to have a moan because she's now living the reality of that choice.

Yawn.

Sounds a bit victim blamey that does.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 28/06/2023 19:13

Oh wow. Tell him to make his own frickin meals or he can move out. As someone who suffered with hyperemesis for 9 months, I have full sympathy for you.

Wildlyboring · 28/06/2023 19:19

I'm full term and have cooked about 3 meals in 9 months. A combination of anemia, Hyperemesis and general feeling crap has made time standing in the kitchen really difficult. My husband has done 90% of the cooking without complaint, that's meant eating a bit later when he's been busy at work and at times just having cheese on toast but he hasn't sulked with me about it.

Same goes for housework, my iron levels have been through the floor, I can't physically do as much as when not pregnant or previous pregnancy so he has picked up the slack.

Wildlyboring · 28/06/2023 19:21

Would it help to have a loose meal plan, easy cook stuff so that when he asks you can say "as discussed meal plan is pinned to the fridge"?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/06/2023 19:27

Unless he is disabled and cannot cook, he can fuck right off!

youboozeyoulose · 28/06/2023 19:28

Natty13 · 28/06/2023 18:37

Another woman who settled for a man who does no housework or cooking and wants to have a moan because she's now living the reality of that choice.

Yawn.

🙄🙄🙄 oh and 🙄Seriously what is wrong with your life that you need to be such an arse?

drpet49 · 28/06/2023 19:30

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2023 19:13

Sounds a bit victim blamey that does.

Show quote history

Oh get real. Victim blaming lol.

AutumnCrow · 28/06/2023 19:31

And what is wrong with him having a cheese toastie and opening a tin of soup for dinner?

Is he some sort of human amoeba, with neither brain nor limbs?

pigsDOfly · 28/06/2023 19:32

Natty13 · 28/06/2023 18:37

Another woman who settled for a man who does no housework or cooking and wants to have a moan because she's now living the reality of that choice.

Yawn.

Nasty and unnecessary.

Another women (I'm assuming) who gets her jollies from kicking another woman when she's down.

Aren't you a peach.

Original poster
Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 19:32

My four year old is with my DP. My gut says that he’s just a lazy man child but he tries to pass responsibility back to me by saying he would be more helpful if I was more pleasant to be around. My principles have always been that everything should be shared but I have been patient with him because he is a recovering drug addict and has had chronic depression which comes and goes. However, I witness him choosing to be capable of responsibilities that interest him and also not being patient with me when I am suffering. We have got to the brink of breaking up and then he seems to transform back into the person I fell in love with, but then every few months he seems to flip into being an entitled arse. I question whether I am being unreasonable, as only a few weeks before he was behaving like a completely different person and I wonder what happened to trigger the flip. I’d like to know if anyone else has has through the complication of being with someone who has mental health issues and who can be so different from month to month.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/06/2023 19:32

How on earth did he eat before meeting you op?

AutumnCrow · 28/06/2023 19:35

Oh lord, OP, this is quite a pickle.

Do you even want to stay together? It sounds mostly awful tbh.

Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 19:40

Ugh he sounds like a twat, OP! I struggled with wanting to cook anything during the early days of both pregnancies (and also found a lot of smells and textures made me gag) and my DH took over a lot of the cooking (usually I do more cooking and he does more around the house to balance it out, but when I was pregnant and feeling like shit he did more of everything). It sounds like he resents having to look after his own child, never mind himself.

You mention him kind of going hot and cold in terms of behaviour, and I think that's almost like he's pushing you to see how far he can go, reaching a limit (the almost breaking up) and pulling back and masking his real 'self' and then it slips and he starts pushing again. And the more it happens the more he's confident you won't break up, so the worse he will get I imagine.

Original poster
Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 19:45

AutumnCrow · 28/06/2023 19:35

Oh lord, OP, this is quite a pickle.

Do you even want to stay together? It sounds mostly awful tbh.

I struggle with how you should be tolerant of others suffering but then how far to stretch yourself. I had a couple of miscarriages which made me realise how much more support I needed from him but then recently he was really trying, we seemed to have a breakthrough and then of course, I got pregnant successfully and now it seems everything is urgh again. It is a pickle. I feel like a proper idiot. I know what advice I’d give my friends in this situation but when it comes to myself I’m clueless.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/06/2023 20:00

This is really sad OP. It's sad that a man refuses to make his pregnant partner dinner when she is suffering with fatigue and sickness. It's sad that he could help her out but chooses not to ans instead gets pissed off at her for not automatically doing his share of chores like she always does. It's sad that his reasons for doing this are because other men do fuck all, and that his behaviour is somehow his partners fault for not being 'nicer'. And it's sad that you even have to ask if he is in the wrong.

Original poster
Victoriaaargh · 28/06/2023 20:08

Hugasauras · 28/06/2023 19:40

Ugh he sounds like a twat, OP! I struggled with wanting to cook anything during the early days of both pregnancies (and also found a lot of smells and textures made me gag) and my DH took over a lot of the cooking (usually I do more cooking and he does more around the house to balance it out, but when I was pregnant and feeling like shit he did more of everything). It sounds like he resents having to look after his own child, never mind himself.

You mention him kind of going hot and cold in terms of behaviour, and I think that's almost like he's pushing you to see how far he can go, reaching a limit (the almost breaking up) and pulling back and masking his real 'self' and then it slips and he starts pushing again. And the more it happens the more he's confident you won't break up, so the worse he will get I imagine.

Hmm, that is what I think when he’s really horrible but I don’t even know if it’s a conscious thing. Anyway he just came down and asked me if I was having dinner, I explained I was feeling nauseous and gross and thinking about food was a problem. He then said that shouldn’t be a reason not to make our son’s dinner. I said I had made food for our son for the last five nights (even though of course, even if I hadn’t it shouldn’t be an issue) and he said it was untrue and I was causing an argument. He said I was being a twat and he didn’t want dinner with me anyway. So yeah, mask has come off because he is just sounding like a nutter again.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 28/06/2023 20:37

How are you fixed financially if you kick him out? Because he is an utter shit and you don't deserve or need his bullshit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2023 20:49

My partner tells me that my expectations are unrealistic and men who do actually share responsibility like this are unicorns

I wish I could send my unicorn around to yours to stick his horn right up yours' arse.

He's a lazy, unpleasant wanker. You are going to have to LTB eventually. He isn't going to change unless he gets worse.

blondewhoneedshelp · 28/06/2023 20:56

Okay I'm not going to sit here and bad mouth your partner as much as my hormonal mind is begging me too, my desire is to tell you, you're doing amazing. You're feeling rotten, you're growing a human, you're keeping your little boy fed and happy. You're doing bloody brilliant and should be so proud of yourself. Don't let anyone (including your partner or randomers on here) make you feel guilty or unsuccessful or even make you feel like a bad mother. You're pregnant! It's hard work!!!! I stayed in bed for the first 4 months of my twin pregnancy and just ate cheese doritos and watched stupid TV. You are smashing it and should be so proud. Allow yourself the rest you need mumma, your body is telling you what you need to do. At this moment in time, your son, your baby and you are number one and most important, above all else. Cooking and washing dont come anywhere close.

Congratulations by the way!