Not feeling up to cooking as have pregnancy nausea

[Victoriaaargh]

I’m fairly early into my pregnancy and am having nausea from about 4ish… I’m usually the one that does the cooking but I’m struggling to be inspired and I’m bone tired after work. Every night my partner asks what’s for dinner. On Sunday I did picknicky bits my son likes but my partner doesn’t like cold food. On Monday I ordered a takeaway for us and made scrambled egg for the son. Yesterday I just couldn’t summon the energy up so I made cheese toasties for my son and had a little bit to keep my hunger at bay. While I had a bath he ordered a takeaway for himself without asking me if I wanted anything.

Today he asked what was for dinner and I said I don’t know. He then said ‘is this going to keep happening every night.’ I said probably yes while I’m feeling sick and he said angrily we should be having a conversation about it. I pointed out that he hadn’t attempted to have the conversation before now and I didn’t think it was my sole responsibility to come up with meals anyway- and him getting angry about me not feeling up to cooking isn’t very nice- we’ve had various conversations in the past where he had suggested he helps more anyway but nothing manifests. He does bedtimes with my son every night but zero housework. Also, every evening we of course make sure my son has his tea/ that’s not an issue. He’s just put on some fish fingers for my son and potato waffles and walked off the shed where he works and hides saying to call him when my son has eaten. In my head he should just think that by doing this he is being helpful and contributing and sharing the load- not a reason to stalk off and be in a bad mood?!!!

Okay I hate throwing this word around because I do understand its over used but he sounds really narcassitic. He has unrealistic expectations, acts like a child, demands to be looked after, I'm guessing he gives the silent treatment too? Has a blow up, then returns to his original self for short periods but because that 'original self' is a facade the good times become less and less because he is losing the energy to 'fake nice'.

Now I could be totally wrong as I am a stranger and I don't know him but please please look after you. Like I said in my previous comment, you're doing amazing. Keep a close eye on how this person makes you feel because if he's treating you so poorly, indirectly your poor son will feel the tension too. You, your son and your baby are all that matters and you all deserve to be happy, healthy and safe.

He’s an angry, sad man and I don’t have the energy any more for it. I told him that he can manage his expectations by assuming that I won’t be providing his dinner at all any more and I’ll just keep making my son’s dinner as usual. I think he’ll probably argue himself into a situation where I’ll have to ask him to leave. It will be my fault of course but now I’ve had some more ‘voices of reason’ I feel like I’ll be fine. I’m financially okay enough and actually a big source of resentment and I think these weird power plays are the fact that I earn more than him and I own the house…

Good luck <3

It’s a shame there’s no way to make him feel as sick as you do. What is it with men who just don’t believe women when they say they feel ill? Doesn’t he know women are usually sick and exhausted in the first trimester and need support? That this is one of the conditions men sign up for when trying for a baby? And yet the minute they’re sick, the whole fucking universe has to stop.

So he has a woman with her own home and financial security and he thinks it’s ok to treat her like crap? He sounds like a right cock lodger. I hope he at least makes a significant contribution to household bills. It sounds like you hold all the cards and it doesn’t sound like you need him at all.

He’s not going to change OP. You are doing the right thing.

Oh yuck, no, boot him out. He is only playing at being a nice guy, and when he thinks its safe, the effort drops again and he's back to who he really is.

It isn't that people can't change - they can, but he shows no signs of WANTING to change for his own benefit, he only appears to want to change when forced to do so, its not a real desire.

Kick him out, you'll then only have to feed the kid and you can graze on snacks or get takeaways as necessary, at half the cost since you're not feeding him AND without the aggro.

It’s crossed my mind many times. Silent treatment yes, blaming me for his anger and telling me not to trigger him, loaded comments about my appearance - other day asked me if I had ‘gone out like that’, I was wearing a dress where a lace bit on the back of my bra showed… telling me not to talk about work and glazing over and saying I talk too much, getting annoyed for not being interested enough in him…

It seems to be in three month cycles… I know I must sound like a pushover but I guess I know so much about his childhood history and his backstory and I see his potential if he manages to work through it, but it sucks being the one who gets caught in the whirlpool of his anger and resentment when it appears.

A lazy useless nasty drug user… why are you having another child to this prince of a man?!

He's a useless loser and a crap partner. Get rid.

My marriage ended badly for a lot of reasons, but when I was pregnant, my husband stepped up massively both times. We both worked full time but he did all the cooking, most of the cleaning, made sure I got all the early nights I wanted in that exhausting first trimester, looked after DC1 when I was pregnant with DC2. He even made batches of home made tomato pasta sauce because I was so sick that pasta, tomato sauce and a bit of cheese were all I could eat. He was no unicorn, your DP on the other hand is an ogre.

You are being abused. You need to get out now before you have the baby. It will be so much worse then. You can do this, you can be strong. I hope thing’s get better for you

Not sure if it’s been suggested but why don’t you do bedtime and he can do dinner? I felt the same when pregnant and second time round was basically sick and exhausted for the first trimester so did very little.

When I had pregnancy nausea my DH did all the cooking for him and existing DC. He would also happily cook anything at all I felt like I could manage eating at any time of day. He is a good DH. Yours is not.

I'd take some time to think about what you can put up with his inconsiderate, lazy behaviour is something you can accept then fair enough. If you can't accept it, then do you want to become a single parent to two children? What would that look like for you? Do you own your own home or rent? Do you have support in terms of family and friends? I hope you find a solution that works for you. We can all put up with different things. I used to feel really angry at reading posts similar to yours because I would never put up with this but I'm getting better at appreciating there is all sorts of reasons why women do or feel they have too. Best of luck op. I think most people have clarified that you aren't being demanding at all.

Oh sweetheart please stop being hard on yourself. Youre not a pushover. You just like to see the best in people. It's a hard time for you, not only do you have a little boy but you're pregnant. Your mother instincts are kicking in, you know its not a mentally healthy environment but you're also empathetic to your partner. You're a truly good person, and typically in life, good people are put in shitty situations.

I can only imagine the different things going on in your head. My girls dad was awful but I stayed with him for as long as I could because some jerk made a comment about how kids need their dad, it took me a long time to realise that a healthy and happy environment is way more important then a 'traditional' family home. I believed they needed their dad to be happy and that wasn't true. He did nothing positive for us. Taking the step is hard though and confusing. So don't feel like you need to rush into any direction. Just focus on what you truly want. Right now, sickness, nausea and exhaustion from pregnancy is horrendous. The extra sensitive nostrils and even skin definitely don't help. You've mentioned miscarriages in the past (I'm so sorry) so regardless of how drained you're physically feeling you're most likely feeling emotional impacts of that too. It's scary being pregnant after losses. I relate to that. Please be kind to yourself. It may be a hard time but you need to be your own best friend.

As for him being narcassitic. In my training, if the trauma he experienced was around the age of 6 or under it is very highly likely he has the sociopath qualities. It's devastating a child has been through such things and I sympathise with him but he can't damage you with his own coping mechanisms. There comes an age when you realise that your trauma isn't what makes you you, the way you survive and grow is. You don't have responsibility to fix him darling.

Sounds a lot like my ex, who was a nasty fucker. Honestly life is too short to be called a twat when you’re pregnant because you won’t fetch and carry after a useless man. It’s so sad to me how many women just on MN seemingly end up in these awful situations. Don’t let him talk his way out of this. His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and you and your children just don’t deserve it.

And I did the exact same thing as you, I clung on to the sob story backstory of 2 horrible exes as proof that they couldn’t help it. I also continually just looked at the “potential”. You’re being abused, you’re not a pushover. It’s very difficult to see it when you’re in it. I’d highly recommend talking therapies when you have the time/ability to access them. They enabled me to make better choices. Don’t let the bastard grind you down. He’s a prick and likely will not change.

I had terrible, terrible sickness and didn’t cook for 6 months or even go in the kitchen (I mean this absolutely literally). I was a SAHM. My DH still cooked every meal and prepped cold food for our toddler and me for lunch so I could avoid the kitchen (which made me vomit!) without complaint.

I don’t claim my DH is perfect but basic care for your pregnant, unwell wife isn’t asking for the moon.

They exist!

Not helpful it's a bit late for that. How about a helpful reply or not at all

@Victoriaaargh
Op you're living separately right now. He's doing what he wants and you're keeping on with things knowing he'll pop back into family life when he's feeling a bit better. That's no way to go on. Being honest, he's behaving like s baby and needs to grow up. He is sulking and it is stupid

I'm sorry you're feeling nauseous, fatigued and crappy. Please try and eat little but often. Cereal is great to line your stomach a bit and you can sometimes be over hungry.
If you are like me it will be made even harder preparing foods for ds when your nausea is bad and all you really need is your partner showing s bit of care by not asking but just popping a baked potato or something simple/easy in front of you as it can be really hard to motivate yourself to cook for yourself. I'm not saying this as a woman who has a DP that does this btw - just what I would love mine to have done when I was feeling like you
Hope you feel better soon xx

When I was feeling sick in the early days, DH would cook a meal for 2, offer me some if I wanted it, and if not, he'd reheat it the following evening. And he did something small that I could face instead (scrambled eggs, toast with jam, chicken soup etc).

I have been the main person doing dinner for a good few years now due to timetabling. But pandemic changes it a bit so now he cooks a couple of times a week when he's at home and I cook the rest when I am home or get home first.

We also used to each do our own ironing before dd came along. As he couldn't feed the baby initially, (bf), he took over all the ironing and has done it ever since (dd started driving lessons this week to give you a timeline). I've done it a handful of times when he was overloaded or we needed something in a hurry when he was doing something else. But I probably can count those times on both hands if not just one.

I’m 24wks pregnant and have barely cooked a meal since the start of my pregnancy because of nausea and just plain lack of energy. My partner was never taught to cook or do basic household chores by his parents so I’m the one who cooks the meals in our house and does the chores, he’s also a very picky eater and will only eat certain things which makes it more difficult sometimes I’ll do things like toasties,jacket potatoes etc. or even fajitas if I have a random burst of energy but most of the time it’s take out or something like that.

At the end of the day you’re growing a human and it’s absolutely draining I’ll say the same thing I said to my partner if he isn’t happy then maybe he should try cooking something and helping around the house instead of expecting you to do it all the time. Look after yourself and congratulations by the way!