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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ask him out?

77 replies

HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:02

I have recently been lost my job so have had to sign in to UC and have had a few meetings at the Jobcenter to help me find my next role.

I have a lovely work coach and although every meeting with him has been work focused, I do find his personality and energy lovely. I would like to ask him on a date/ out for a coffee but would this be incredibly rude or weird if I did so?
Im aware there may be implications to this and I have no real idea if he is single or married (although I haven’t seen him wear a ring) and after next week I will have a new work coach and won’t be required to go into the Jobcenter so I won’t see him again after this.
Some part of me thinks I’m mad but another part of me thinks you only live once and I get the impression he likes me also but of course has never acted on it due to his job.

YABU - Don’t ask him!
YANBU - Ask him and see how things go.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 28/06/2023 17:04

YABU purely because he is your work coach. Would not be professional of him to see clients outside of a DWP type setting.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:06

@Goodadvice1980

Thanks I thought the same, although after next week he will no longer be my work coach and I will no longer be having meetings or be required to attend the Jobcenter.

OP posts:
GasPanic · 28/06/2023 17:28

I would ask him on the final day. I don'[t think it's weird at all. What's the harm in it ? How the hell are people ever supposed to get together if every single thing prohibits a relationship ?

I'd mumble something along the lines of I'd enjoyed working with him and it would be great to say thanks by taking him out for a coffee.

If he's not interested he can always let you down gently by saying we're not allowed to do that.

I don't see what the problem is if he is no longer your coach - and you asking him as well. If it was the other way round it might be a bit more questionable.

sonjadog · 28/06/2023 17:31

His energy might well be his professional persona. I would imagine a work coach would need to be positive and energetic. However, nothing lost, nothing gained, so ask him out on the last day for a coffee. The worst that can happen is that he says no.

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:34

I wouldn't. Move too quickly and you risk messing it up. If you don't, you can still see him around, enjoy his presence and see if soomething blooms.

Suprima · 28/06/2023 17:35

Absolutely not.

What you are seeing as attraction is most likely work coach enthusiasm and positivity.

Work coaches deal with very vulnerable people and you may cause him a few problems at work if it looks like he is flirting with his cases. You have no idea what the office politics are like there.

GalileoHumpkins · 28/06/2023 17:37

I've said this a few times on here, but don't ask anyone while they're doing their job if they want to date you. He's in a professional role, you aren't socialising and it's not right to put him on the spot like that.

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:37

Yes, that. What @Suprima wrote. Might make things awks for him at work. If you were to do it outside of work, and when it wouldn't bear any negative consequences it'd be better.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:43

Thank you for the replies.

I am fully aware of the implications so I was planning to do it discreetly like possibly writing a note for him stating how I feel and giving him the option to contact me if he feels the same way. If not, no love lost and at least I know and I wouldn’t take it personally.
I think a huge part of me would regret not telling him/ asking him as I know I won’t see him again after next week so I feel as it’s my last chance.

OP posts:
Lancastri · 28/06/2023 17:46

I think you should go for it. Worst case scenario he says no and you leave it - I can’t see how that would impact his job? I got together with my husband in a work setting almost twenty years ago and obviously don’t regret it!

Suprima · 28/06/2023 17:48

Lancastri · 28/06/2023 17:46

I think you should go for it. Worst case scenario he says no and you leave it - I can’t see how that would impact his job? I got together with my husband in a work setting almost twenty years ago and obviously don’t regret it!

Were you a service user?

this is nothing like passing a note to a guy who has the desk next to you. This is like writing a love note to your mental health nurse or child’s teacher. Inappropriate:

PollyAmour · 28/06/2023 17:48

Ask him he he fancies a catch up over coffee in a week or so - but be prepared for rejection.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:49

@GalileoHumpkins
I agree and because I am aware how this may look I haven’t asked him yet and have never flirted or behaved anyway untoward.
Even when he calls (to check on my application progression) I keep it very professional as does he as I certainly don’t want to get anyone in trouble.

I was hoping to ask discreetly such as write a note to him, or something along those lines.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:51

It's your last day but you can bump into him later on. I assume he doesn't live in Monaco and you in London.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:52

@PollyAmour @Lancastri

Thank you for your input.
Great to hear it worked for you @PollyAmour

I’m 100% ready for rejection and if he says no I’m okay with it, but I feel like there is chemistry there and he of course can’t make the first move for obvious reasons, so after my next appointment- I was hoping to discreetly make the first move and see how he feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 17:54

@cassiatwenty
I have thought of maybe bumping into him when he leaves work but I don’t know what time he finishes. I also wouldn’t want to risk being seen by his colleagues so I thought a discreet note would be best.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 28/06/2023 17:57

I personally wouldn't do the note thing, it's a bit childish. Why don't you ask him for his number after your last appointment? If he looks aghast, that's your answer. Good luck!

xPissflapsx · 28/06/2023 17:59

Just go for it! They will either say yes or no.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 18:02

@PollyAmour
I would love to just ask but our appointments are always inside the Jobcenter and he has colleague’s that work nearby his desk. I feel like even if he would consider it; me asking him on front of his colleagues may put him on the spot and he might (rightfully) say no.
Also, I feel it would be awkward if I asked and expected an answer there and then.

I feel giving him a note gives him a chance to think about it and the ball would be in his court - if I hear from him then I know he is interested. If I don’t then I would just assume he isn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 18:03

@xPissflapsx Thank you. Going to give him a note when I see him next.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 18:04

But good on you for thinking of being proactive rather than waiting for him to notice you.

He can't respond to your note tho.

What can he respond to without things being awks for him at work?

MissConductUS · 28/06/2023 18:04

I once asked a bloke out. Today is our 26th wedding anniversary.

Fortune favors the bold. Give him your mobile number or ask him out for a coffee or lunch when you're done with the counseling.

Original poster
HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 18:07

@cassiatwenty Thank you.

In terms of the note, I’m going to keep it simple.
something similar to “Hi…., It’s been lovely meeting you and thank you for being so supportive in helping me get back into work. I really love your energy and would love to get to know you more so if you fancy meeting for a drink/ coffee, call/ text me on 07…….. Hope to hear from you soon and if not, Thank you again, HelloFreshed”.

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 28/06/2023 18:07

How about giving him a thank you card for all his help? Better than a note. And inside the card, you can also write “if you ever want to catch up for coffee now this is all over, here’s my number!”

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 18:08

HelloFreshed · 28/06/2023 18:07

@cassiatwenty Thank you.

In terms of the note, I’m going to keep it simple.
something similar to “Hi…., It’s been lovely meeting you and thank you for being so supportive in helping me get back into work. I really love your energy and would love to get to know you more so if you fancy meeting for a drink/ coffee, call/ text me on 07…….. Hope to hear from you soon and if not, Thank you again, HelloFreshed”.

Fortune favors the bold as @MissConductUS stated. Good luck 💞

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