To expect dc grandparent to make any kind of effort?!

[woofydog]

Dc has one grandparent left, MIL. She has no interest whatsoever in our dc. I'm feeling quite sad about it but I also had no gp and have no idea what is normal what isn't, what I do know is at our school gp are regularly a part of other dc lives, and perhaps irrationally, it's starting to make me resent MIL.

She's never offered to take dc out since they were born. Never wanted to push the pram when they were little etc. we've offered her to have dc any time if she wants to, with or without us and never expected any childcare which she made clear she wouldn't be helping with. We have one dc and no outside help so it hasn't been easy and still isn't but obviously we had dc so that's that. Dc is well behaved and old enough now to be good company (10yo), at one point MIL even told me of a special bond she had with her neighbours dc who is the same age as dc. Never know if this was meant to be spiteful or not but it did hurt.

I suppose I'm disappointed dc doesn't have much of a relationship with the only gp they have, I realise I can't force one but aibu to expect more??

Speaking from experience, you can't force these types of relationships. My two DC have 3 sets of grandparents as my DH's parents separated when he was young.

My MIL (DH's dad's wife) is fantastic and does lots to be involved. My parents are involved and my eldest DC dotes on my mum, but the relationship is quite one sided in that I have to make an effort to see them and she rarely visits us of her own accord.

My other MIL (DH's mum) is completely out of the picture. She's not seen my eldest DS in almost two years and hasn't made an effort to see our 5 week old newborn either. My children quite simply wouldn't know this woman from Eve, if they walked past each other on the street 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, she will see BIL and their children at their house, which you get to by driving past our house (it's a 3 min drive up the road). She's quite a toxic individual so I haven't done anything to facilitate a more meaningful relationship as she's made it pretty clear our DC aren't a priority compared to BIL. My point here is that I know how much it hurts for your child but they are, in many ways, better off without those kinds of individuals in their life.

I have a four week old and my own dad hasn't bothered to send a card, visit or send a present. He lives an hour away and has a car and free travel. So, I completely understand your pain. He's a shit dad though so it's unsurprising that he's a terrible grandparent. What's funny is that he's on social media boasting to other oldies about his grandkids. In reality, he has no interest in my children or my nieces.

I grew up with no grandparents, it really didn't affect me at all.

Don't feel sad, just accept it's not going to happen and move on. Your child won't miss what they never had.

@SchoolShenanigans I didn't have an gp but wish I did so I suppose it's that relationship I was hoping for but can see there's no point forcing it. I can't force it anyway. MIL just not interested.

What kind of grandparent did you wish for? As you know, lots of grandparents arent doting. My parents are involved in my children's lives but my husband's aren't, through their choice.

Maybe you have an idealic view of family relationships, which is fair enough, but not worth becoming upset about. Your kids will likely be just fine with having no grandparents. I didn't give it two thoughts growing up. I had a loving immediate family and that's all I had or needed. I didn't have aunts or uncles, cousins, but I truly never thought about it.

When I met dh I had dc. His dm made it clear she wanted to be their dgm. I supported her making a relationship with them.. Which was quite difficult as I was nc with my own dm who was diabolical... When I had our own dc she made zero effort with him and within 3 months of his birth had dumped us all. Absolutely no back story or logic.... Dc don't need dgps ime. Make it her loss op.

Mine aren’t really interested. They like the headlines but have no interest beyond that really. I don’t mind and I don’t think the children do either.

Looks like it's more normal than I thought then. I have made up an idea of what gp should look like because of the ones I see at the school gates I suppose. I do think dc is missing out tbh because all extra support is better than none imo but good to know it's more common than I realised.

@woofydog expect nothing from her and you won't be disappointed
My mother in law for many years hasn't ever bothered with my now adult children and gets their names the wrong way round on the rare occasion she bumps into them, she literally lives 10 minutes away
Accept she's a not interested and let it go and you and your child will be much happier for it

My mil has no relationship with our children, seen them once this year and lives 10 minutes away. She's lost her relationship with her son because of it too. Her loss, none of us make the effort now. Still hard to accept but at least I don't owe her anything now

Next time she says about the neighbours DC, be straight and say that it's a pity she doesn't bother with her actual grandchild. You've got nothing to lose. Don't take the mind games.

@Ponoka7 yes I didn't really say anything because I wasn't sure if she was trying to get a reaction. It's all a bit of a shame but appears more common than I realised to for a gp not to have much involvement

Hey @woofydog
It’s really crap, isn’t it?
I adored my GM and miss her so much. My MIL and FIL didn’t like babies or toddlers. They didn’t make much effort. Now my FIL is widowed and my DS’s are grown up, they have a good relationship.
My parents were extremely abusive growing up, they didn’t give two hoots about me or my DB. No way was I going to put my children in harms way. They didn’t care to visit, nor nurture any relationships with DC’s.
It’s very sad, but very common, unfortunately. In answer to your question, are you being unreasonable to expect more? No, you’re not being unreasonable. Some people, whether they are relations or not, just don’t make the effort or seem to care. Make the very best of your life with dc.

Both my maternal grandmother's died before I was born. Both grandfathers were alive and one had remarried. The grandparent I saw loads of, who spent lots of time with us, brought us comics and sweets every week, had us every Sunday (grandad was there but paid zero attention to us) for years, etc etc - was step-grandma. Other grandad - had no interest in us at all. I'm going to add that step-grandma had a son of her own, too.

They come in all shapes and sizes and more people than you think have little relationship with grandparents.

YANBU to be sad I think… but I think it’s quite common. My FIL has seen DD a total of three times her whole life. She’s 14 and doesn’t really have any relationship at all with him. He does send cards for birthdays and Christmas, and I know DH sends photos and updates but she calls him by his first name and doesn’t acknowledge him as a grandparent as they have zero contact.

I grew up only knowing one grandparent (mums mum) even though my dads parents only lived 15 mins away they never really bothered but they didn't bother much with any of their grandchildren. My mums dad sadly passed away when I was only 5 weeks old and I am always being told how amazing he was so I feel sad to have missed out on that. My other grandad passed away when I was 18 and I have now backed away from my gran (mums mum) because she's basically a narcissist and iv had a dysfunctional relationship with her for years even though she did alot for me in my childhood. I understand your reasoning for wanting your child to have the sort of relationships you never got to have because I feel the same about my baby now. It's really sad that some people who are supposed to be family end up being so dissapointing! And it can feel upsetting to see other families being so close. As others have said you can't force people to want to be in your children's life so kindly I would just forget the idea and concentrate on all the positive relationships and things you and others are bringing to your DC.

I had one grandmother who adored us and one who didn’t really care at all, they are just different.

I didn't have much relationship with my grandparents. One lot lived a five hour train journey away, the others had had eight kids of their own and I was just the latest in a stream of grandchildren. On top of that, all my grandparents had died before I was in my teens. I don't think it's unusual at all for grandparents to take very little part in their grandchildren's lives, it's just on Mumsnet that you get this view of grandma providing childcare three days a week. I can't think of anyone I know who's used their parents for childcare.

@ColdHandsHotHead in my case it's IRL I can see the gp at the school gates more than the parents sometimes and often at sports day and other events and generally being supportive.

I think if I had even one gp that dc could enjoy a relationship with that would be fine but I have to accept it's not going to be something that happens for my dc. Obviously dc will be fine but I am sad that MIL has no interest as I do think that having nice gp is an advantage over not having any.

You can wish forwhatever you want and sure it would be great if involvement happened but people are who they are if you don't accept that you will be the only one upset

Yes and I see iabu for expecting anything. That's why I posted. To see what's normal.

You are not being unreasonable to be disappointed OP, I would be too. There’s not much that can be done about it though unfortunately.

The grandparents you see at the gates are more of an exception in my experience. It’s a shame for your DS but is obviously her issue. I can understand why you feel disappointed though.

Every family dynamic is different. Some grandparents are used by their children for unpaid childcare. They don't get to see the grandchildren on their own terms because they are being used so the parents can work.
Some grandparents are so afraid of being used that they do the opposite and show no interest.
I help to look after my grandchildren to support their parents, but I actually enjoy their company.. just not too much as actually enjoy my own company too.
Some people have a very entitled attitude and expect too much from grandparents. I have a friend who has gone NC with her daughter because she was being used too much and never sees the grandchildren at all now. It is very sad.

Sorry, but yes YABU to expect it. It's not unreasonable to hope for it, however.

Probably best to accept that your MIL is not the nurturing, maternal type that you might have hoped she would be.