To expect dc grandparent to make any kind of effort?!

[woofydog]

Dc has one grandparent left, MIL. She has no interest whatsoever in our dc. I'm feeling quite sad about it but I also had no gp and have no idea what is normal what isn't, what I do know is at our school gp are regularly a part of other dc lives, and perhaps irrationally, it's starting to make me resent MIL.

She's never offered to take dc out since they were born. Never wanted to push the pram when they were little etc. we've offered her to have dc any time if she wants to, with or without us and never expected any childcare which she made clear she wouldn't be helping with. We have one dc and no outside help so it hasn't been easy and still isn't but obviously we had dc so that's that. Dc is well behaved and old enough now to be good company (10yo), at one point MIL even told me of a special bond she had with her neighbours dc who is the same age as dc. Never know if this was meant to be spiteful or not but it did hurt.

I suppose I'm disappointed dc doesn't have much of a relationship with the only gp they have, I realise I can't force one but aibu to expect more??

My mil moved abroad and dispite coming back every year for 4 months, only sees the GC for three days.
Fil lived within half a mile until dc2 was 10 but never saw the kids. He is now over 200 miles away and not seen my dd since she was a baby. She is 9 now.
They both reap what they sow. At a recent funeral my dd was crying and mil put her arms out and dd went to my friend.
Unless your mum sees the kids then won't form a bond. We'll they might but it will be a shit one. My in laws have purposely removed themselves from our lives since we had kids. I'm not sure what they think happens now they are in their 70s and frail but we still have the kids to put first.
At the end of the day it's not my parents so not my headspace

You never know if the DGPs you see at the school gates or at sports day feel totally overwhelmed with expectations about 'looking after their DGC'. A number of my friends are GPS and just feel taken advantage of .. it might be wrapped up as 'having a great bond' but in reality it's more about childcare. You say you want 'support' - is that for childcare ? Nothing wrong with that but be honest.

My DPs lived miles away from us when our DS was growing up so there was no 'practical' support but they were fabulous GPS and our DS established a really good bond with them through visits. He is still close to my DM (90!) now and invited her to visit at Uni and frequently meets her for lunch etc. she does live nearer now.

The most entitled attitude I ever saw was from my friend's - adult DC, friend used to care for all four DGC every Tuesday. The parents went away for a week's holiday Monday - Monday and left all four DC with my friend (in her late 60s). When they picked them up they said 'we'll drop them back tomorrow for their normal Tuesday' . The parents were not at work so didn't need 'childcare' as such. The DG C are older now and the parents hardly bother to see the grandparents now they are not so 'useful'.

You don't need to babysit to form a bond. But you do need to be present. If you don't see your gc from year to year your not in any memories and you don't figure.
My kids didn't even know step mil existed until they was 8.

As someone else without grandparent support, I think you're seeing a few grandparent relationships and possibly idealising them?

We have 3 x dead and 1 x not interested/physically not capable. What we don't have though is the arguments about where to spend Christmas, expectations of having to visit at weekends and expectations of providing care for the grandparents!

I went through a phase of being quite jealous of some mums at toddler group who brought a grandparent along to help out or who met up with them for lunch afterwards. But I realised some of those grandparents were younger than me(!) and therefore more physically able to keep up with grandchildren.

Looking back at my childhood, I had friends who had multiple cousins and spent loads of time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. I didn't have any of that but I don't feel like I missed out?

YANBU to be sad about this. There is a huge variation in grandparenting, and I feel sad that my own kids have drawn a pretty short straw in that department.

From what I can see, it's like many other relationships: you tend to get out what you put in. Grandparents tend to reap what they sow in terms of closeness and involvement with their grandchildren. Maybe they don't care about that... in which case it's probably better that your kids aren't forming too much of a relationship with people who don't care about them. Plus it does colour my own views: the grandparent who tried to provide practical support with her grandkids when I needed it? I'm a lot more willing to help her out as she gets older. The one who made no effort to help me? Not so much.

My best advice to you would be to make your own extended family. They don't have to be related.

My neighbour, around 75 and divorced, has young grandchildren living locally. She's put upon by her daughter more than she'd like to admit and it's not good for her health. She's probably one of those grandparents the OP sees at the school gates.

YANBU but some people really aren’t interested in their grandchildren at all, and you have to adjust to it. My MIL took more of an interest in her daughters children, than ours which was upsetting but I let it go. I don’t understand how you can have no interest in your Grandchildren.

But FIL had no interest in any of them at all. MIL has now passed away and he’s all one his own. He constantly complains no one visits him.

He’s maybe spoken willingly to our DD 6 times in her life, he barely said hello when we visited when she was a child (she’s 20 now) why on earth would she want to go and visit him?? Same for her cousins. Reap what you sow and all that.

I find it very very sad.
I have four Grandsons age 18 16 15 and eight.
I'd get withdrawal symtoms if l didn't see them at least once a week.
I took them out for days as babies.. had them sleep over Baked.. went to the park/ swimming/ library/ museums/ train rides etc.
As they got older they were great company.. the eldest three are teenagers now.. The youngest stays over once a week.
They all have ASD and l wouldn't change them for the world.. they are my world.
Grandparents miss out so so much by not seeing Grandkids.. and there is many fighting the legal system to see theirs.

To clarify no I didn't mean childcare at all and don't expect that. Would be nice obviously but never expected it. It's more things like she doesn't always get dc a birthday present or doesn't invite us over at all, will only come to us and then expects me to host dinner and never once offered to return this. MIL takes her friends out and pays for them to go to events but never dc kind of thing. I understand I have to accept it won't change so I will but I do find it sad.

She did say when she dc was born that she wouldn't be babysitting ever and we agreed that was ok though and we've since paid for all childcare so I don't think it's that. I just still didn't expect no involvement whatsoever. It probably is that she's genuinely not interested.

Yes, it's not about the childcare (although goodness knows that can be a great help!) - it's about actually caring about the grandkids, being interested in them and making the effort to build a relationship with them. When that doesn't happen it's very sad.

I would say it's a sadness that's felt more by us (as parents) than it is by the kids, though. The kids generally don't miss the grandparenting that they've never had.

Op my step mil said before I was even pg she never wanted to gave the kids at her house jokingly but she then slapped ds 3 when drunk so in hindsight it wasn't a joke. I'm 100% sure she is jelous of fil prior life and a gc cements that for her.

Mil said she would never be a active part of any gc life again before being a gp. What she then struggle with almost two decades later is having no place in the gc lives. She tells me she's upset the 19 year old never contacts her. He doesn't know her!

If they say it, they mean it. Ultimately its their loss as who needs or wants a half arsed gp who is too busy to see you for more than a few days a year if ever? I'd prefer if dd doesn't ever see fil after 6 years I think it's bizarre. We ask if we can visit, it's always later, later. Let's wait until she is grown up and he is 90 and then have a wonderful time.

I can absolutely see why you feel sad about this, as it would obviously be nice for your DC to have a grandparent they were close to. I think it's totally reasonable that you feel a bit hurt. But I suppose, as others have said, that isn't something you can force and if your MIL isn't interested, I don't think there's anything you can do to change it, or that her being involved because she's been told she ought to be (rather than because she wants to be) would result in a happy bond.

Ultimately, some adults just don't really enjoy the company of children, and the fact that your MIL said as soon as your DC was born that she wouldn't ever be babysitting suggests to me that she's perhaps one of them. I'd be interested to know what she meant by having a special bond with the kid next door, though... does she babysit for the neighbours' child, or take them out and buy them presents? Or does she really just mean that she's watched them grow up and they have a little chat over the fence?

Could it be a generational thing? I think mine is useless as she's got no past history of there being an involved grandparent. The generation above hers (my grandparents) were very much children should be seen and not heard and you certainly didn't expect to play with grandparents or do baking or a fun day out! You had to sit in silence whilst they had endless monotonous conversations.

She may well come from that generation that had kids because they had to, were expected to. Doesn't mean she likes kids, wanted kids or feels maternal. I'd let it go and make better connections. If you feel she'd benefit from a relationship with an older person why don't you explore the whole world of adopt a granny
https://www.adoptagrandparent.org.uk/