Housemate/her boyfriend are ALWAYS in the bathroom

[MelonHead2]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair here.

Take last night (but this is every evening) -
bear in mind they were in all evening, and I didn’t arrive home until 10:45. I went straight to bed.

While I’m trying to sleep, they decide to use the bathroom at 11pm. At 11:15, my housemate goes to her room and her boyfriend remains in the bathroom.

For 25 minutes.

He turns the taps on about 7 or 8 times, and the light is on which shines through my room. It’s keeping me awake.
He blows his nose loudly and he also played a video on his phone whilst doing all this which, whilst wasn’t super loud, was loud enough for it to be irritating.

This happens almost every single evening and I just don’t understand what they do for so long, or why it’s necessary.
They also spend ages in the bathroom in the morning whilst I’m getting ready for work.

If I’m honest I don’t have much of a relationship with my housemate and we very rarely talk unless it’s bills or rent. We’ve never really been confrontational.

How do I approach this? Do I say something? I don’t want to make it tense but it’s taking the piss now…

There comes a point in house sharing when you realise that other people are not worth the energy of house meetings, and notes, and trying to figure out schedules. If you have to send a message to someone else to raise an issue to then discuss it, instead of being able to just knock on their door or pass them in the living room and immediately say "can we talk about...." then it's time to look at somewhere else.

Your message is way too long. Keep it shorter. "I was late for work this morning because XXX was in the bathroom so long (not for the first time), and he's frequently making enough noise to keep me awake when he's in the bathroom for half an hour or more late at night. I'd like to discuss a bathroom rota for the mornings and if he's going to be at ours 5/6 nights a week I'd also like to discuss how we split the bills as you and him together are using a lot more energy and water than me and (boyf)."

This but I'd say 'let's make a bathroom rota' and 'we need to discuss bills'

(Not 'I'd like to').

You mentioned in one post that your boyfriend is there 2-3 nights and the rest of the time you're at his, and in another that he's there 4. Which is it? Because that steps on your point somewhat.

He's clearly taking the absolute piss, and your flatmate is letting him. You're way too nice. Remind yourself that you're the one paying to live there. Come on now. This is ridiculous.

You mentioned in one post that your boyfriend is there 2-3 nights and the rest of the time you're at his, and in another that he's there 4. Which is it? Because that steps on your point somewhat.

Didn't see this but agree with PP.

They are both taking the piss out if you.

‘Hi Guys, just to let you know that noise and light really travel from the bathroom, and is disturbing my sleep. Could you try and keep bathroom use really quiet after 11 on a weeknight, please? Also I need to shower at some time between x and y in the mornings to get to work on time. Thanks’

And if you are needing to get ready for work and they are hogging the bathroom shout through the door. “Will you be much longer?’ Is fine.

Honestly: IT IS OK TO COMMUNICATE.

OP: it isn’t ‘confrontation’ to make a simple polite request over something that affects you.

And you aren’t compromising what you see as being ‘nice’ by simply asking them to be quiet at night and enable fair use if shared facilities.

Nice people manage to make reasonable requests all the time!

Addressing this with them is only going to seem reasonable if your own boyfriend doesn't use the bathroom on the four nights a week he stays over...?

Three issues to address:

Nobody needs to spend half an hour in the shower.
5-10 mins in total for a shower is plenty.
You need to be assertive and propose that from now on, all guests (yours and hers) must be more mindful of how their actions affect the residents. If her bf wants a long shower or bath, he needs to do that at his own house.

The house isn't as soundproofed as it could be. The light shining into your room can be blocked off, but the sound will keep travelling, unless it gets more insulated. This means everyone needs to be more considerate of each other, especially when people are potentially sleeping (maybe 10pm-8am?), so use headphones with electronic devices or keep the volume right down, now have loud conversations or use vacuum cleaners etc.

If your housemate wants to continue splitting bills 50:50, she needs to match you in terms if how much time her bf spends at your house vs how much time she spends at his (as if you were both out 3 nights/week -for example- it would be more equal. however it sounds like you're away much more than her so are using less water/electricity/gas etc, and are actually subsidising her non-rent-paying bf.

Do not send the message you wrote. Too long and it misses the point about the excess time in the bathroom.

I would send a more direct text and the point is to have an in person conversation.

Hi XX, I am not sure of your schedule but would you have time to talk this evening at 7:00pm? Since Joe has now moved in, I would like to meet to discuss splitting the bills more fairly and also to discuss a better way to share the bathroom since there are 3 of us needing to shower and get ready in the mornings and evenings. The bathroom was occupied last night from 8:00 - 10:00 when I needed to use it and again this morning making me late for work. If 7:00 tonight doesn't work, let me know a better time. Thanks.

It's not up to her to get up early!

He shouldn't be using the shower when the OP needs the bathroom to go to work.

If your bf stays over 4 nights a week you can’t moan about hers , she’s not making you stay out . The issue is the bathroom and you need to just complain about that and perhaps either have a rota or a 10 minute time limit if all of you are in the flat at the same time .

Then you need to start hammering on the door. And also discuss a rota. He's a guest and doesn't get to hog the only bathroom for hours on end.

It's a good time to raise this as he made you late for work this morning and was playing videos in the bathroom last night so 2 solid examples from the last 24h to lean on.

I'd try and speak to her in person: a few pleasantries then down to business (politely). Don't simper or apologise all the way through as in your draft:

'we need to make a couple of arrangements. John is here and showering 6 nights out of 7 so it's only fair that he contributes to bills. How about £XX a week?

Also please can both of you not play videos or music in the bathroom after, say, 1030 when I'm in? You may not realise but the sound really carries through to my room.

Last thing, I was late to work this morning. I obviously needed to wash and do my teeth and John was in there for half an hour. I knocked but he didn't come out for another 15 mins. We only have the one bathroom and you and I are the tenants here so shall we say that in the mornings you have it between you at 0800 and I have it at 0730?'.

If she says your BF comes over a lot too then tbh 4 nights a week makes your argument a bit shakier but you can say that you're at his 2-3 nights and you've been clear with DP that he showers at home because he's not the one paying the bills.

Sharing is shitty after a while. That's the bottom line. I agree with PPs saying suck up the bathroom use if it's not stopping you using it, stop counting tap use etc and focus on the main points.

I have a roommmate who drinks himself to sleep anout 4 32 ounce beers, and a shit losd of cannbos, snd expects to br doing this from the moment he gets home from 3pm till someotome in the might when he apparently passes oout. If i shower, have s conversarion st night ( im a night owl)), he pokitely insists on me nit living in thr apartment. He rarely uses rhe apartment. He is so insistent on my not waking hom, its ridoxulous. And every flipping tyime i use rhe bsthroom he rushes me out of it by saying he meeds to use it. I put up with sll of his bad, even letting go of the night he grabbed me with both arma in thr dark, while he eas deink ,
at 330 am and pulled me iut of my room's hallway in to our shared hallway, apparenrly wirh sexual intent in mind. Ro which i shoved hom hard,
off me, slammed and licked rhe door snd told him tf snd no. He nevr apolgized. I have foeegone ahowrrring. sleeping siry
snd uncomfortable, peed in a bucket etc but no matrer what i do i have to stop all housework or noise or get the come in im teying to sleep" and bullshit about reporting me to iur housing case manager ( we see in subsidized cingreste living). I let him est whatever he eanrs, cook for him, i dont rewuire rhst he clean antrhing,
i sint ask anything of him
except to not be offended by my bf...even supplied him with pot which i had gotten for free to ease his pit wxpenses for about a minth. Hr still
scts as though im suppose to br silent snd make no noise to disturb hom from his stupor, and he calls it sleep, becauee hes tird. Hes tird becauee he isnt ever asleep, thr slcohol and cannabis preevent his mind from restinf. So for twelve hours adya he acts as if he is doing work, but reoets no income to food stamps or welfare, rhe the other teelve hiurs he teies to get relaxed snd sleep. Which we will call " rat time. Leaving me workn up every morning often by his toilet, whoer, phone calls and even doorbell visites long before cisitstion hours for work he isnt doing? And very much believing he is more importsnt. I csnt stsnd living with the reek of his alcohol and iy mixed eith salsa steaming from his pores,
his diarres from the toilet all over rhe sest snd rhe smell...his blubbering non sense sn sexual sdvances inebriated. But he thinks he can complain if my vf icimes by or we dont notice it is after 8 pm...with threets about " reporting me". I let him do whatever rhr fick hr esnts,
without
one signle mention of his rule and pitentially law breaking. Stf. How dare he expect
me to be wuiet from 7 pm to 8 am everyday, when ever he is home he is highly noticeable and annyoing: he is also a no available scial participant.
when i havent anyone over i have zero people tp talk to or do anything with which os silsting but he wont and didnt even have my thanksgiving
meal ...pr even speak tp me thet dya...so if i shoo away all my social contacts rhan im alone100 percent of thr time. I tred to get into s non congregate housing or even to be placed with ny boudriend who also has a mental health disorder snd is eligible for his own bedroom but is waiting to be selected snd has to get a birth certificste id snd social security card and aply for daiiability to br consideres dor housing thru the dame progrsm, not necessaeily wirh me. Vut evem of he is housed in a different building er wont be sble to be at one anothers apartment sfter 8 pm...but we like to sleep together. Ive applied for ither placs, even had a housing voucher, loet it becauee the woman who ran the boucher progrrsm made m e replsce smaocial securkty letter becauee it hsd informstion sbout former payments when my husband has passed away. Im wait listed for other places, but i dint think they sre gojgn
to ocme to fuitition. Also, thr compnsy
thet runs the housing progesm has stuidos snd single rooms
or
could hcoose tomlet us rsch
rent s room in a shared house. Btut despite formsl referral and verbal reuests i have gotten no where. My biyfriend seems not tomcsre snout thr
oredicsment this putw me in.
and imdont know whst to do?!