Page 4 | To ask if anyone here actually thinks a step parents wage should be considered for CMS?

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 2023-06-28T09:45:09+00:00

Because my husband's ex seems to think so and is currently enraged that I have zero plan or requirement to. I'm fully aware that CMS do not take into account a SPs earnings and that legally she is not entitled to anything from my wages. I'm just curious as to whether more people think like her (entitled as imo) that they *should* take it into account. YANBU - no it's right that CMS don't take into account a step parents earnings YABU - they don't but they should.

LorW · 28/06/2023 12:25

DownWithBreadsticks · 28/06/2023 12:21

My husband is dying of cancer and has had to give up work. In March, he was taken to a CMS tribunal by ex and it was ruled that we should continue payments from my salary to the same amount as it was before he left work, because his ex wife argues that he only gave up work to avoid paying her. She also told the judge he only has them EOW and judge wouldn’t accept our proof of otherwise.

Payments are currently around £1750 pcm and yet we have my step children 3 days out of 7 every week, plus half of all school hols etc. (My husband used to be a high earner before he had to stop working.

Our mortgage is £1500, so it’s actually my highest expense. My parents are now subbing me so that I can afford to pay for food and clothes for my child (shared with husband), until my husband dies and our mortgage insurance kicks in. We have a provision in his will to ensure that she still gets her payments after he’s dead, so that she can’t force me to sell the house.

I cannot help but be bitter. My best friend is dying and I’m being hounded for money I can’t afford while my SC’s mum hasn’t worked since 2008!

I know there will be no sympathy for me on here, because I’m the second wife and I “knew what I was getting into” and I shouldn’t be a “breeder” etc. Heard it all before, naturally.

We just sold his old car to raise some extra funds and then she emailed us to let us know she will be telling the next tribunal about this “windfall” so they can apportion her some of it. It was £4,000 ffs.

All of the focus is on how the CMS is biased towards the paying parent but that has NEVER been our experience. We have tried to appeal and with no success.

I’m so sorry, that’s horrific 😔

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 12:27

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 12:17

I'm not sure what to do in the case of female non custodial parents having more children and staying at home but I think one idea would be, to be like universal credit and have the expectation that they will start work around age three 🤔 and pick it back up from there....maybe

I don't think it should be any different for male and females surely? Whether or not the NRP is male or female should be irrelevant, they should still be paying for their first children and if they cannot do that and be a SAHP to any new children, then they can't afford to be a SAHP.

if the nrp becomes a sahm parent though, he could do all the school runs etc enabling the rp to work full time

why is that never considered? As dh is such a low earner we did suggest it, but ex didn’t want to up her hours from 16/week, even if childcare was taken care of and she would have increased her earnings by far more than she’d lose in CMS.

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2023 12:27

No it shouldn’t.

Until the RP’s partner’s earnings are considered too and it becomes a figure taking in to account everybody, then no way should the NRP’s partner’s income be included.

None of the RP’s business how much the stepmum earns.

I say this as both an RP/single mum/providing everything for my children AND an ex stepmum.

PositiveLife · 28/06/2023 12:28

DownWithBreadsticks · 28/06/2023 12:21

My husband is dying of cancer and has had to give up work. In March, he was taken to a CMS tribunal by ex and it was ruled that we should continue payments from my salary to the same amount as it was before he left work, because his ex wife argues that he only gave up work to avoid paying her. She also told the judge he only has them EOW and judge wouldn’t accept our proof of otherwise.

Payments are currently around £1750 pcm and yet we have my step children 3 days out of 7 every week, plus half of all school hols etc. (My husband used to be a high earner before he had to stop working.

Our mortgage is £1500, so it’s actually my highest expense. My parents are now subbing me so that I can afford to pay for food and clothes for my child (shared with husband), until my husband dies and our mortgage insurance kicks in. We have a provision in his will to ensure that she still gets her payments after he’s dead, so that she can’t force me to sell the house.

I cannot help but be bitter. My best friend is dying and I’m being hounded for money I can’t afford while my SC’s mum hasn’t worked since 2008!

I know there will be no sympathy for me on here, because I’m the second wife and I “knew what I was getting into” and I shouldn’t be a “breeder” etc. Heard it all before, naturally.

We just sold his old car to raise some extra funds and then she emailed us to let us know she will be telling the next tribunal about this “windfall” so they can apportion her some of it. It was £4,000 ffs.

All of the focus is on how the CMS is biased towards the paying parent but that has NEVER been our experience. We have tried to appeal and with no success.

That's awful. I think the whole system is not working properly. I've seen lots of reviews saying that the RP gets believed over the NRP (though that's not been my experience)

Original poster

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 12:28

DownWithBreadsticks · 28/06/2023 12:21

My husband is dying of cancer and has had to give up work. In March, he was taken to a CMS tribunal by ex and it was ruled that we should continue payments from my salary to the same amount as it was before he left work, because his ex wife argues that he only gave up work to avoid paying her. She also told the judge he only has them EOW and judge wouldn’t accept our proof of otherwise.

Payments are currently around £1750 pcm and yet we have my step children 3 days out of 7 every week, plus half of all school hols etc. (My husband used to be a high earner before he had to stop working.

Our mortgage is £1500, so it’s actually my highest expense. My parents are now subbing me so that I can afford to pay for food and clothes for my child (shared with husband), until my husband dies and our mortgage insurance kicks in. We have a provision in his will to ensure that she still gets her payments after he’s dead, so that she can’t force me to sell the house.

I cannot help but be bitter. My best friend is dying and I’m being hounded for money I can’t afford while my SC’s mum hasn’t worked since 2008!

I know there will be no sympathy for me on here, because I’m the second wife and I “knew what I was getting into” and I shouldn’t be a “breeder” etc. Heard it all before, naturally.

We just sold his old car to raise some extra funds and then she emailed us to let us know she will be telling the next tribunal about this “windfall” so they can apportion her some of it. It was £4,000 ffs.

All of the focus is on how the CMS is biased towards the paying parent but that has NEVER been our experience. We have tried to appeal and with no success.

That is atrocious. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. His ex should be utterly ashamed of herself.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 28/06/2023 12:29

ApplesInTheSunshine · 28/06/2023 11:51

You decided to get together with someone who had children.

Therefore you take them on as your own and should contribute towards them when they’re at yours and hers, because they are now part of your family.

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You’re deluded.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/06/2023 12:30

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 12:27

if the nrp becomes a sahm parent though, he could do all the school runs etc enabling the rp to work full time

why is that never considered? As dh is such a low earner we did suggest it, but ex didn’t want to up her hours from 16/week, even if childcare was taken care of and she would have increased her earnings by far more than she’d lose in CMS.

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So because you and your husband have decided he shouldn’t work you think she should up her hours instead.
not saying that she shouldn’t be working more to support her children but you can’t make a decision based on what’s best on your household and try and push it on her.

SemperIdem · 28/06/2023 12:31

I don’t think step parents income should be taken in to account at all. Their actual parents should financially support them.

I also don’t think resident step children should be relevant to CMS payments, if the NRP is in a relationship with someone with children, or goes on to have more children.

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 12:32

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/06/2023 12:30

So because you and your husband have decided he shouldn’t work you think she should up her hours instead.
not saying that she shouldn’t be working more to support her children but you can’t make a decision based on what’s best on your household and try and push it on her.

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No, we put it forward as an option., as she would have been far better off financially had dh enabled her to work full time. She refused, it didn’t happen.

ffs.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/06/2023 12:32

@DownWithBreadsticks you need to find the strength to fight this. Or just stop paying and deal with the consequences later down the road. There is not one single court in the land that would prosecute you for this. Please, stop paying.

FatCatBum · 28/06/2023 12:32

Well what happens if the resident parent gets a partner and the non resident parent is single, should CMS go down? After all things can't just go one way

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2023 12:32

Nussbaum · 28/06/2023 11:53

The step parents wage used to be taken into account when the CSA was first set up many years ago.
One of my friends was handing over literally half of her wages every month until she said no more and got divorced.
I wouldn't pay for someone else's kids!

That’s awful. No wonder she divorced him.

I bet his ex was furious though 😄. Served her right. Money grabbing witch.

Original poster

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 12:33

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/06/2023 12:32

@DownWithBreadsticks you need to find the strength to fight this. Or just stop paying and deal with the consequences later down the road. There is not one single court in the land that would prosecute you for this. Please, stop paying.

I'd be tempted to do the same honestly. What will they do? They don't even do anything to bio parents who refuse to pay 99% of the time.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 28/06/2023 12:33

FatCatBum · 28/06/2023 12:32

Well what happens if the resident parent gets a partner and the non resident parent is single, should CMS go down? After all things can't just go one way

Oh no no no it doesn’t work like that. Obviously.

honeynutcornfllakes · 28/06/2023 12:34

Nope

It is the responsibility of the two people who made the child, so their individual salary/wages.

If one parent has a better life style than the other after separation due to their partners income it's just one of those things. They can do whatever they want with their money on a voluntary basis but it shouldn't be forcibly passed onto a partners ex for maintenance.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 28/06/2023 12:35

L1ttledrummergirl · 28/06/2023 11:12

I have a friend who is struggling to keep the roof over their heads and clothe the dc. In the meantime, the exh has had a second family with a rich wife, lives in London, sends his second family to private school, doesn't pay a penny to his first family because it's her money.

He's an arsehole, and I have a low opinion of any woman who would live with a man who behaves like that. He's essentially told his first family they are second best.

Is it his wife’s fault that she’s rich? Should she cough up the money to pay for your friends DC because he isn’t doing so?

No doubt he’s a dickhead, that’s a given. It doesn’t mean his wife should now because responsible for their children because he’s a bum. Luckily it doesn’t work like that

Hop27 · 28/06/2023 12:36

No.
I've contributed so much for DSS and will continue to do so until he is a young adult. I work extremely hard to earn my salary. I'm not being mandated by to contribute to towards someone's lifestyle who blatantly manipulates the system and refuses point blank to work FT. DSS is nearly 16.
I'm currently saving towards his car....I'd refuse to have that taken away so she can drink.

veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 12:37

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 11:23

He isn't a deadbeat, DSC live with us 3 days a week and he pays a good amount of CMS (more than the calculation) for the extra day a week they are with their mother.

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Why? Why doesn't he just pay what they need for the one day?

Original poster

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 12:37

Usernamenotavailab · 28/06/2023 12:27

if the nrp becomes a sahm parent though, he could do all the school runs etc enabling the rp to work full time

why is that never considered? As dh is such a low earner we did suggest it, but ex didn’t want to up her hours from 16/week, even if childcare was taken care of and she would have increased her earnings by far more than she’d lose in CMS.

Show quote history

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'what do you think about this?' to your ex and presenting it as an option. But obviously they'd need to agree.

In the same way in a couple one can't just unilaterally decide they are becoming a SAHP.

I mean they could I guess but the other party doesn't have to be happy about it!

OP posts:

sixthvestibule · 28/06/2023 12:37

Good luck trying to take my income into account. I keep my finances separate and don’t answer questions about what I earn.

Original poster

TheSpoonAndTheFork · 28/06/2023 12:38

veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 12:37

Why? Why doesn't he just pay what they need for the one day?

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He wants to and that's his choice and he can afford it so 🤷‍♀️ but I have no desire to help!

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DownWithBreadsticks · 28/06/2023 12:39

@pillsthrillsandbellyache thank you. My dad is paying for us to seek legal advice because my parents are frothing at the mouth about it. I feel sort of numb really, but that’s more to do with my husband’s diagnosis than anything else. I convinced him to stop work altogether (he hadn’t been in for 4 months anyway and the pay had stopped).

It’s surprisingly difficult to find a family solicitor who deals with this stuff competently. It’s all been merrily outsourced to the CMS and tribunal service who clearly don’t have the resource or skill set to actually deal with it.

At the tribunal we had, there was a “financial expert” there, who wasn’t even a chartered accountant. The CMS representative kept getting my husband’s name wrong too. I assume he was confusing us with another case. It’s a joke and does not service the children at all.

ThunderStormPlease · 28/06/2023 12:41

Good lord no. You didn't choose to give birth to them. Only the parents should pay, anyone who says otherwise is deluded.

CadMan · 28/06/2023 12:43

There’s a lot of criticism on this thread of higher earning second wives… Just because a woman earns more than her husband that doesn’t make him a deadbeat or her an idiot.

If a low or average earning man was an acceptable choice as a partner and father for the first woman, why isn’t it for the second? If the first relationship hadn’t broken down, the first family would still be making ends meet with the two parents’ incomes.

veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 12:44

CadMan · 28/06/2023 12:43

There’s a lot of criticism on this thread of higher earning second wives… Just because a woman earns more than her husband that doesn’t make him a deadbeat or her an idiot.

If a low or average earning man was an acceptable choice as a partner and father for the first woman, why isn’t it for the second? If the first relationship hadn’t broken down, the first family would still be making ends meet with the two parents’ incomes.

Exactly.

Pure jealousy