5 year old wetting herself on purpose, what do I do?

[Majesty]

Just after advice because I’m at my wits end. 5 year old has been potty trained since she was 2. Dry, day and night for years. Except she goes through phases where she wets herself because she can’t be bothered to go to the toilet. If asked, she will literally say she didn’t want to stop what she was doing and go to the toilet so just wets herself instead. I’ve tried ignoring it, punishing her, leaving her in her damp clothes (for a few minutes so she gets the wet feeling), taking her to the toilet hourly. I’ve threatened her with nappies at school, I’ve bought her special pants that will be thrown away if she wets them. We’ve done sticker charts to stay dry, treats out etc. Ive switched her clothes to make it easier to pull them up/down. Nothing works. She doesn’t care about having wet pants, she just wants to keep playing. When she wets her pants we stop what we are doing and go in so it doesn’t even work!
I've had her checked for urine infections and nothing. I googled and sexual abuse came up, it’s definitely not that. I just don’t know what to do! It’s not all the time, maybe for 5/6 days and then it stops for a month or two, and then she starts again. She’s an intelligent child with good communication skills. Is more than capable of going to the toilet by herself. What can I do?

Does she do it at school, or when out? Or is it just at home?

I'm not remotely an expert, but if you're saying sexual abuse is a possible cause then I don't think you can be sure enough to rule that out.

My daughter was similar, turned out she had fecal impaction even though she didn't display symptoms of constipation

My dd who is 4.5 has had lots of toileting issues so I completely sympathise. I think what stands out to me is your frustration (understandable) and im wondering how that feels for your DD. For me I’ve found things improve when we react consistently and neutrally, just ‘let’s get cleaned up’. Like you I tried punishment/rewards, always going for a shower after to teach her that having an accident takes her away from activities more than just going to the loo. In my DD case I think she feels a lot of shame around it and everything gets worse when adults join in this. It’s sooooo hard not to though and I don’t get it right every time.

When she’s in the phase of doing it, it happens sometimes at school as well as at home.

I know you can never be certain, but she’s always at school or with me. I’m a single parent and don’t use childminders or anything. It was just one of the things that came up when I googled, so wanted to mention that I’d considered it

Does she poo normally and is it healthy and of the right consistency?

Take it that she is distressed about something and try to think what it is. Then go from there.

Just be matter of fact and kind. This too shall.pass.

My son went through a stage of doing this, I honestly think it was just pure laziness which he eventually outgrew but at the time it felt like it lasted ages. He would be so absorbed in what he was doing he just couldn't be bothered. It was very frustrating but feels like a distant memory now. I agree on just neutral cleaning her up and hope it passes quickly for you!

I don’t think you should punish her for wetting herself…

I think the best thing to do is to try to make as little a deal out of it as possible and ride it out. This will pass. I understand how frustrating it must be though..

Please don't dismiss impaction as a cause.

Children’s bladder health: bladder problems and incontinence - ERIC

They do get involved and leave it too late sometimes. I'd stop with the stickers, treats, loo every hour. Just make sure she goes before you leave the house. My youngest couldn't have squash irritated his bladder. Left school needing the loo so we had to stop on the road sometimes.

So sorry, that sounded short and glib. I did not mean to be judging you, and maybe there is a simpler solution. My very little experience of this was that it was a reaction to some stresses but I can see there could be different reasons and solutions.

** possible cause, sorry.

I’m going to 3rd constipation. My kids have both had mild issues with it and it’s lead to wee accidents.

Getting angry and punishing her won't help.

Having the odd accident at 5 isn't unusual at all.

I think you are probably paying too much attention to her account of "I just chose to wet myself". I doubt this is right. It's very common for dc of that age to not really know why they did something, or not to be able to recall, and to give the account they thing the adult is expecting.

Her brain isn't developed like an adult brain yet. She lacks impulse control, which is something she needs to stop playing and go to the toilet.

Just don't make a big deal of it tbh. It will pass.

I fully agree.

My 7 year old has been trained since 2 and still does this - fortunately it’s rare these days, it last happened about two months ago. She has suffered with impaction since she was an infant.

Just because they are going to the toilet does not mean they are not impacted.

⬆️ this ⬆️

Remember that because she's only 5 she might not be using the right words to properly explain herself.

It could well be what PP are pointing out ie constipation, faecal impaction which of course she has no idea what that is or how that affects her reasoning as to why she was herself

*Wets herself

Basically don't presume a child knows what they mean 100%

Ask for a referral to the Paeds continence nurse. My eldest had this due to being impacted. Their stools were mostly normal but it was overflow.

They had no control over it although to an outsider it could have looked as if they simply couldn't be bothered to go to the loo/were engrossed in what they were doing

If it definitely seems because she was too busy playing, I'd be getting her involved in getting changed and clearing up the mess - taking off her wet clothes with help, washing herself, putting them in the washing machine and fetching clean ones to put on.

Could you also do regular timers and incorporate toileting into transitions e.g. before mealtimes and leaving the house.

My DD was a nightmare at this but later diagnosed with ASD and apparently having less awareness of things like needing the loo is part of that. Any other behaviours you might consider neurodiverse?

Not only this, the increased pressure makes it hard for the body to recognise the feeling of needing to wee, since they become desensitised to the full feeling.

Also, they may be fearful to go to the toilet incase they poo, as pooing is likely to be painful. My daughter always had accidents when she was withholding poo. It’s a vicious cycle as withholding obviously causes impaction.

My daughter still pooed semi regularly, but it was bypass. And she had an excellent diet (although did have cmpa which had an impact)

maybe for 5/6 days and then it stops for a month or two

Does this coincide with something that might be distressing her?

I think you are making too much fuss about it. Try to be matter of fact, deal with it and move on. She will outgrow it. As a society we are happy to still Breast feed 5 year olds but disappointed if they wet themselves??