To get a weekly cleaner?

[Imamumgetmeoutofhere]

Dh works full time from home. I work part time outside the home 25 - 30 hours a week but long days in a healthcare role with a 45 min walk commute each way each shift I work.

Leave the house at either 7am or 7.30 due to my commute. I do a shift of 10 hours twice a week (plus an hour unpaid break so in the building 11 hours) and a 5 hour shift one day a week. These hours never change. Then an extra 5 hour shift every other week.

We have 2 DC aged 8 and 15. I do EVERYTHING at home.

Load the slow cooker in the morning before I leave for work. Also batch cook a lot at the weekend for days where we can't use the slow cooker. I make all the packed lunches for us all. I do all the washing, drying (hanging on line or on rack), ironing and putting it away. Clean all the bathrooms (1 cloakroom, 1 en-suite and a main bathroom), all the dusting, all the hoovering, all the tidying of each room. Usually all the dishes too. Plus meal planning, food shopping, school runs on non work days and general ferrying around for medical appointments, birthday parties etc etc.
Also assist with most of the homework too.

Most days I'm lucky if I'm in bed before 11pm and my alarm goes at 5am on a work day.

I've been seen by my GP recently as was feeling extremely run down, tired all the time etc. It turns out I'm very anaemia so starting meds for that but was also advised I need to do less.

I've asked DH to try and take on more but he's only prepared to do so if I work more hours as he feels he does enough and the split of labour in terms of working hours and house work is equal (he does school run on the days I'm at work, dishes on my work nights plus the bins and the cat tray)

Im so very tempted to get a cleaner in once a week. Im ok to do laundry, food and a general tidy but would like help with the hoovering, dusting and cleaning kitchens, bathrooms and changing beds etc.

DH thinks this is incredibly lazy and I should just crack on and get on with it all like I've done for years and that all other people who work manage it. But he forgets when I started doing it all I was only working 12 hours a week with a 20 min commute one way as I got a lift home.

AIBU to get a cleaner or should I just try and spread my load better like my husband says?

Thanks

This is ridiculous. Tell your DH you're getting a cleaner...or he can do more cleaning. I assume affordability isn't an issue here?

Get a cleaner in. I love my cleaner, and our lives are so much better for having her.
I'd also be asking the other members of your household to do more so you don't work 30 hours (plus 5 hours of walking) and everything in the house

@2018SoFarSoGreat in theory no. He could afford to pay for it. I would struggle out of my part time wages. But I'm only part time as he earns well iyswim. But it's convincing him otherwise that's the trouble

Or simply call his bluff....work the same hours as he does and say you'll do the same amount of chores and then see what happens (if the extra work hours are available of course). Also consider whether the 15-year-old could do a bit more perhaps?

Personally I'd consider getting a divorce from the smug, lazy git.
But yes, by all means get a cleaner. I had one when I worked 30 hours per week .

You don't need approval from anyone- either on here or your husband!
If you can afford it and it would make life easier, then why not? I don't see a problem.
Personally, I would try and stop doing everything! Let your husband make tea a few nights a week at the very least.
You do sound like the daily grind is getting on top of you, regardless of what 'everyone else manages,' you sound like you could do with a bit of support- I suggest that's your husbands role tbh and if YOU aren't his main priority in life- that might be the underlying issue.
Get the cleaner. Don't justify it!

Why are you loading a slow cooker before leaving at 7 when your DH is home all day? I mean 100% get a cleaner, but also look at how the worklaod at home is set up. Because it sounds ridiculous.

Oh, and the joitn budget pays for the cleaner. Not you.

Between us, my DP and I work similar hours to you and your DH. We used to have a fairly even split of what we did in the house, but it was sometimes overwhelming to keep up with it all. Getting a cleaner made a huge difference in regaining time and energy. So much so that we upped her hours and she's more like a housekeeper than a cleaner.
I can't imagine how exhausted you must be with doing pretty much everything at home and working those long days with the commute too. Either your DH steps up and does half the household things with you, or stamp on the guilt and get a cleaner in to take some of the physical and mental load off you.

If your husband won’t do anymore, you can afford it from the household budget and it’ll improve your health and wellbeing it’s a no brainer.

The other option is to decide what you physically can cope with and you husband will have to be happy to accept that standard of tidiness etc.

It’s a shame he won’t help. My husband works around 50hours a week. He generally cooks if he’s off work, picks up after himself and tidies round if I’m at work and he isn’t so I come home to a ‘tidy’ish’ house.

If I asked him for help he would do more with pleasure but I’d have to remind him. I’m happy to do the lions share of house work as he does the lions share of financial work. It’s not about male/female roles. In covid he was furloughed and I worked full time (increased hours to make up money) and he did everything around the house.

Bloody hell op. You're a superstar.
Get a fucking cleaner op.
Don't ask him.
Tell him.

Do it. It will probably save your marriage.
Make sure it comes out of any joint pot (eg the joint account) not your personal income.

You absolutely need a cleaner - you’ve ran yourself into the ground and he seems okay with you working yourself into an early grave.

He’s working from home - completely out of touch with what long commute + long shifts mean. He’s leisurely checking emails, taking long toilet breaks, browsing online and making himself coffees before pleasant meetings. And he has the cheek to call you lazy.
From this moment on, you start to run the household in a way that doesn’t require your blood (literally - you are anaemic), sweat and tears. Or else.

Thank you all. I will start to look asap though don't know what to look for really.

We don't have joint accounts so it will probably have to come from my budget, will need to find it somehow and make cut backs.

I've tried and tried to get the 15 year old to help more but my husband doesn't think he should have to whilst he's still in school so it's a no go.

I'm sat here now quietly for an hour with my kindle before the school run and feel so bloody guilty I'm not doing something

Why are you walking to and from work? Why isn’t he dropping you off and picking you up? Why are you doing everything and him nothing? I’d give him two choices - up his game considerably and start doing his fair share or get a cleaner. One or the other. If he refuses LTB.

Yes get a cleaner for sure. If he thinks it's lazy he should bloody well do it himself!

Obviously yes, get a cleaner.
Who are these men?????? DH is a partner on an enormous international firm and he earns an enormous amount of money and on the days I work he does everything. We’re partners and he’s as involved with the house and the kids as much as I am. No one is too important or too well paid to cook a meal for their family or wipe the bog.
I suppose you’ve married him now and you probably want to make the best of it but hopefully he cares about you enough to hear you and pay for the cleaner.

Also can you streamline things a bit? Kids can have school dinners, just make your own lunch. Stop ironing. Reduce the slow cooker use and just get oven pizzas for one of your work days and leave DH to cook the other day (maybe get bits in for a stirfry so he can do it quickly or some jacket potatoes he just needs to put in oven).

Also can you consolidate your shifts so you do 3 and 2?

Because he can't apparently. He doesn't have time in the morning to coincide school start times and my work start time. I've said I wouldn't mind waiting in my staff room but it won't work apparently.

Where we live there are no busses that time either so that's out. And I can't drive for medical reasons so that's out too

I work 30 hours and we have a cleaner plus my DH does more than yours does as I just couldn’t fit it all in and stay sane so our house was getting grubby. It sounds ridiculous that he expects you to do so much.
As well as a cleaner Could he not pick you up from work when you work a long day and your 15 year old stay with the 8 year old if it’s too late to bring him?
Youre very much teaching your 15 year old a toxic example of what women should be expected to do

If I’m honest it sounds like he doesn’t really care about your well-being and happiness; he’s not bothered that how things are is making you ill and unhappy and won’t put himself out to help then shames you on top of it all

Well it very much depends on how tight money is. What, if anything, would you have to cut down on to pay for it?

Have to confess I'm not sure why you are on the go 5am to 11pm when you only work 25-30 hours a week, don't have a long commute and don't have small kids. Are you sure you aren't demanding too much of yourself? 11pm-5am in bed is not enough for most people.

BUT until he shares the load at least equally, he doesn't get to tell you to "crack on" and you should make the decision yourself whether it is worth paying for a cleaner. He doesn't sound very kind or considerate.

It’s super tight he won’t pick you up and/or take you to work. Especially as you can’t drive for health reasons. But if he wont, could you afford a taxi to and from work!?

Lastly I really hope that you are only making lunch for you and your 8 year old; even your 8 old could take responsibility for that with supervision

I think you need to change your husband….lazy git. I’d either get a cleaner or down tools and only do the bare minimum for a while, let him wash his own clothes etc.

Omg is your husband for real? I actually can't believe what I'm reading. Tell your lazy husband to get his finger out and contribute to the house you share. Get a cleaner and pay for it JOINTLY not out of your budget because your husband won't do anything. A divorce would probably make you happier in the long term because he sounds like an absolute arsehole.