To get a weekly cleaner?

[Imamumgetmeoutofhere]

Dh works full time from home. I work part time outside the home 25 - 30 hours a week but long days in a healthcare role with a 45 min walk commute each way each shift I work.

Leave the house at either 7am or 7.30 due to my commute. I do a shift of 10 hours twice a week (plus an hour unpaid break so in the building 11 hours) and a 5 hour shift one day a week. These hours never change. Then an extra 5 hour shift every other week.

We have 2 DC aged 8 and 15. I do EVERYTHING at home.

Load the slow cooker in the morning before I leave for work. Also batch cook a lot at the weekend for days where we can't use the slow cooker. I make all the packed lunches for us all. I do all the washing, drying (hanging on line or on rack), ironing and putting it away. Clean all the bathrooms (1 cloakroom, 1 en-suite and a main bathroom), all the dusting, all the hoovering, all the tidying of each room. Usually all the dishes too. Plus meal planning, food shopping, school runs on non work days and general ferrying around for medical appointments, birthday parties etc etc.
Also assist with most of the homework too.

Most days I'm lucky if I'm in bed before 11pm and my alarm goes at 5am on a work day.

I've been seen by my GP recently as was feeling extremely run down, tired all the time etc. It turns out I'm very anaemia so starting meds for that but was also advised I need to do less.

I've asked DH to try and take on more but he's only prepared to do so if I work more hours as he feels he does enough and the split of labour in terms of working hours and house work is equal (he does school run on the days I'm at work, dishes on my work nights plus the bins and the cat tray)

Im so very tempted to get a cleaner in once a week. Im ok to do laundry, food and a general tidy but would like help with the hoovering, dusting and cleaning kitchens, bathrooms and changing beds etc.

DH thinks this is incredibly lazy and I should just crack on and get on with it all like I've done for years and that all other people who work manage it. But he forgets when I started doing it all I was only working 12 hours a week with a 20 min commute one way as I got a lift home.

AIBU to get a cleaner or should I just try and spread my load better like my husband says?

Thanks

Not exactly a great idea with the ongoing diagnosis related to anaemia and advice to do less and rest more though, no?

This is not a "can a cleaner help" situation, OP, it's a "is my DH being a twat for refusing to give me reasonable adjustments due to my health".

If you get a cleaner, he will still be a lazy git who doesn't take your health needs seriously.

I'm pregnant and run down, and have been going through hell sorting out vet crises this week. So my husband has stepped up (mostly!). Because that's normal when you care about someone. Honestly, it would be more respectable if he said "I don't think paying for a cleaner is a good idea but stop running yourself ragged and lower your standards".

If she were his maid, she'd at least have employment rights to reasonable adjustments...

What time does he have to leave for the school run that he can’t get you to work by 7-7.30 in the morning?

He sounds like a stubborn, unhelpful shit tbh. Get the cleaner!

I leave at 7.00 - 7.30 as I have to walk 45 mins. Work starts either 8 or 8.30 but have to be there early for the handover for 8 / 8.30 start

Tell him to pull his finger out and step up or get the cleaner sorted. Why is it your job?

As a housekeeper, I'd be delighted to have a client like you! It's really rewarding to ease some of the burden!

Sounds like your family are treating you like a doormat OP it needs to stop now.

How dare your husband not be willing to help out more because he “works more hours” and how dare he say your 15 year old so can’t do more because of school.

You are going to make yourself unwell. You need to have a serious talk with your husband because something needs to change. Maybe a cleaner will help, but ultimately it’s your husbands attitude that needs to change.

Would it be an issue as a cleaner / housekeeper to work around a member of the household who works full time at home? That's my worry, I'll be judged for having a cleaner when he's there

Wouldn't bother me at all - the house I work in is owned by an older lady who is home full time. (Though she's currently in hospital)

I'm quite good at working around the family and would be happy to work around someone WFH.

I have a cleaner and I don't even work. Your DH sounds like a twat.

Get the cleaner. I love mine!

Yes to getting a cleaner. If you have to make cutbacks, make sure it’s DH favourite cheese/beer etc.

He doesn’t sound like a partner at all.

Your DH really sounds like a total cunt tbh

I'm now a sahm and have a cleaner ! Your life sounds more stressful than mine and I don't feel a bit guilty for having one. I find it so ridiculous that people think it's lazy having a cleaner. It's just like every other service that you outsource. Why run yourself to the ground trying to do everything when there's another option.

I've asked DH to try and take on more but he's only prepared to do so if I work more hours

This kind of attitude from people is such a cop out.

Although probably just me but IMO if someone is in employment in a job which includes
housekeeping, cleaning, gardening, childminder etc and are paid for that job by whoever employed them then it is work, a paid job.
Just because it's in your own home it doesn't mean that you're not putting in the hours, they're just unpaid hours some of which no doubt spent doing things that benefit your DH along with yourself and the DC.

Why would it need to come out of your wages? And why aren't your finances joint? I think you have bigger problems than just the cleaner, but sort out the cleaner then move onto the issue of having equal access to finances. You are enabling dh to work longer hours.

He sees you as a maid or a skivvy. Be an equal partner with equal access to finances and equal leisure time. Otherwise be prepared to tell him you will leave him. This is divorce worthy.

Get a cleaner OP.

You make it sound like you feels it's an indulgence but it really isn't. You're carrying the whole load by yourself and it's affecting your health.

Your husband is lazy and is being incredibly unkind and completely selfish. And he has the nerve to call you lazy. Frankly, I think you'd be better off without him as it would be one less person for you to carry.

You can't carry on like this, as pp said, your family are treating you like a door mat.

I've been severely anaemic and everything is such an effort, It feels as if you're dragging yourself around the whole time. You must feel constantly exhausted.

You're getting your anaemia treated, now get a cleaner, make your lazy 15 year old help around the house, get rid of your lazy, nasty husband and your life will improve beyond measure.

How much free time does he have? How much free time do you have?
The 15 year old should be helping out. The 8 year old can also do age appropriate tasks

Your H sounds like a twat. Does he have any good points?

I agree with pp that you should both have equal access to money. What are his reasons for not doing this and what do you pay for and what does he pay for?

Cut down your workload. Only do washing for you and your youngest. If your H doesn't believe that your oldest should have to do his own washing then H can do it when he does his own. I wonder whether his attitude would be different if your oldest was a girl? 🤔

Both my dcs took over their own washing and it has been amazing for freeing up my time!

Your problem is your husband.

He sounds like a Prince amongst men.

Get a cleaner Op. Your husband sounds a right twat.

You don't have to justify yourself OP. If you want one and can afford it then do it .

Just want to say thank you to all who contributed to this post.

I have cleaner coming for 2 hours once a week starting after our holiday with scope for a longer session or perhaps another day in the week.

I'm fed up of being a skivvy. I'm shattered all the time and I deserve a life on my days off work.

And my husband has increased my "allowance" to cover the costs too.

(Allowance is an extra bit of money he tops my account up with to help towards bills where he earns a lot more than me)

YANBU. Get the cleaner. Your DH should pay for them for being a dick.

Oops just read your update. Yay for the cleaner. You won’t regret it.