Uncovering family secrets how did you deal ?

[ManorHall7]

MIL passed away at Christmas, FIL died 20 years ago. I have been helping SIL clear the house. DH hasn't been able to cope until now receiving counselling and also with pressurised job.

Today we found two adoption certificates which suggest MIL had a child adopted. SIL shell shocked and according to MIL history her and FIL were together but child has different surname. This was in early 60s so I think common practice perhaps for out of wedlock children.

I was astounded but have tried to be supportive, DH doesn't know and I haven't told him I think it needs to come from SIL. SIL is trying to obtain copy of birth certificate.

They don't have any other family to ask any questions. How on earth do you support them ??

These documents weren't hidden away so SIL thinks MIL meant them to be found. It was a sudden hospital admission and death but traumatic for them both to watch her die for a week.

Slowly and gently is the only advice I’d have.

Grief is a minefield and losing a parent, even as an adult is completely disorienting.

Having questions occur to you that you cannot ask, is very common. This is just one specific thing that will take that focus. And they will probably have to pick it over from different angles over a period of time. There isn’t any single way to handle it, or straightforward solution.

All you can really do is be a kind listener. And at times, you might have to cut that back a bit for your own sake.

It’s a tough situation.

I would advise your DH to take some time to think about this before deciding what they want to do.

Contrary to what the likes of long lost families would have us believe, finding an adopted relative rarely has the happy ending these types of programmes wish to portray, and indeed I have read accounts even from the people who have been reunited via long lost family who have now distanced themselves due to toxic relationships and having nothing in common.

You need more than blood to be a sibling, just because they share DNA doesn’t mean they’ll click or even get on at all.

And the adopted sibling may simply not want to know, I know at least two adopted children (now adults) who have no desire to meet their biological families. Their adoptive parents are their family, and they’re happy with that.

I think often it depends on the kind of childhood and upbringing they had whether they decide to pursue things.

I don’t know whether there are sources where your DH could leave his details in case the sibling wants to make contact, but the contact absolutely should come from the sibling and not from your dh or your SIL.

I found out both my paternal grandparents were adopted, and they didn't know. Both were born to young parents who couldn't keep them (not married, family didn't approve it seems), then adopted by well off couples who couldn't have their own children. Weirdly their birth surnames are similar, and both birth mothers have the same name! Won't say as outing but surnames are as similar as White and Wright. Both adoptive parents didn't tell them, they died without knowing.

It was a lot for me to process as I was only doing some slight digging into our history, then had to tell my Dad and his siblings. They then found the birth parents had gone on to have more children, and they now join us at family gatherings. It was a big shock to us all and really changed a lot.

You could ask authorities exactly what the certificates mean.
It must be a shock but it always was .. and now you know.
It will be theraputic to understand the circumstances etc.
Your poor MIL keeping an important secret.

That's sort of how I found out I was adopted.

No one died was very poorly and in hospital and family member asked for death certificate because they thought what they had was what my gran had died of so off I went looking for them and that's how I found out I was adopted.

Thank you. They have applied for a birth certificate and will go from there it's a bit of a minefield for them but they don't know currently the route they wish to take.

I am just letting them chat if they want to etc

I grew up in long term Foster care and my parents never wanted to know me , they both died. Very difficult for them as they cannot ask questions and i know how that feels

I think a shock for them they are handling well I have suggested getting someone to look at the documents