Uncovering family secrets how did you deal ?

[ManorHall7]

MIL passed away at Christmas, FIL died 20 years ago. I have been helping SIL clear the house. DH hasn't been able to cope until now receiving counselling and also with pressurised job.

Today we found two adoption certificates which suggest MIL had a child adopted. SIL shell shocked and according to MIL history her and FIL were together but child has different surname. This was in early 60s so I think common practice perhaps for out of wedlock children.

I was astounded but have tried to be supportive, DH doesn't know and I haven't told him I think it needs to come from SIL. SIL is trying to obtain copy of birth certificate.

They don't have any other family to ask any questions. How on earth do you support them ??

These documents weren't hidden away so SIL thinks MIL meant them to be found. It was a sudden hospital admission and death but traumatic for them both to watch her die for a week.

DH now knows and is a bit shocked not angry I think just sad there isn't anyone to answer questions

We have had exactly this situation. We did nothing. About half the family know, the other half not. We don't talk about it.

I used to work for a charity that had arranged adoptions up until about the 70's.
There was a statutory duty on them to have someone in post to provide information and I think support for those affected by the adoption that I think was introduced when adoptees were given more rights to trace birth families.
I'm a bit hazy because it wasn't directly my area - but if you have the adoption certificates can you (or DH/SIL) follow up with the organisation that arranged the adoption?

Yes I have had this situation in my family.

It was so frustrating not having anyone to ask about it. It was my grandparents and my Nan had a child adopted when he was away during WW2. She had loads of family support, so it wasn’t because of poverty or the war.

We assumed that my grandad would have done his maths and known the baby wasn’t his (or it might have had different ethnicity, she lived in London) so my Nan had to give the baby up.

She had him at home where she lived with her female cousin, so I have some small comfort from that. My dad was already born but had been sent to live with his grandparents in the countryside. He was already dead when we found out.

My aunt, who was born after the war, did make some attempts to find him and was very shocked, but she didn’t get anywhere.

All you can do is support your DH through it, he will have a range of emotions to go through.

You said two adoption certificates? So more than one child?

Sorry one application to the court requesting adoption with the prospective parents and a second adoption certificate granting parents the adoption.

Both stamped by the relevant court in 1962

You can try Ancestry or 23andme abs if the sibling has done the same they can be traced that way

Digging around to try to find information would probably not be successful, adoption papers were sealed in those days. The adopted person has had 60 years to find their birth family if they wanted to , so you can assume that they don't want to know .

Personally I'd leave it to your DH and SIL , it's a big thing to come to terms with .

Gosh how shocking. My friend was clearing out her dads things, and it turned out he had lived in another country and had a whole family before them, 4 or 5 kids I think. He had just abandoned them. I wonder why she never told anyone

I have left it to them. But DH hasn't been coping well since MIL passed has been better past month and was concerned this would set him back.

As i am helping sort the house etc too. They have no other family and SIL has been leaning heavily on me for support throughout as her DH is not good

We don't know anything about whether they tried contacting and despite what you have said research suggests otherwise re contact

Totally agree. They might not know they're adopted, but would totally love siblings. They might not want to have traced their parents but knowing they went on to be happily married and together many years might be something they'd find comfort in. They might know they're adopted but respectfully be waiting to trace their birth parents until their own parents have passed on. Please don't NOT trace them based on the fact they haven't already.

This is my thought but obviously it is up to DH and SIL. There isn't much on ancestry. It comes up with a different surname for mothers maiden name

For some people, finding this out about a parent is earthshaking, and and they can either want to find out more or leave it alone entirely. For others, it’s momentarily shocking before they accept it and move on without giving it any further consideration.

There’s no ‘right way’ to react and respond, and all the majority may act in one way, it doesn’t mean the individual in question will. Just let your DH take the lead, and don’t put any expectations on him in regards to what you think he should be feeling and/or doing.

I am adopted. I did try to contact my birth mother in my thirties, but she did not want to know. I did try many years later to contact my half sister, she was shocked at first but told me she had not spoken to our mother for 30 years. She also did not want to know.

It is always up to the individual but sometimes you can set yourself up for more rejection and upset. I also have a half brother but have decided not to go there. You have to remember that after the initial shock that there is no shared history between the siblings and this does make a difference.

When I watch Long Lost Families, I do sometimes wonder how many unhappy stories they have. Just a cautionary tale for you here op.

You don't have to have the sibling to have done the same. If you get a familial match, you can reconstruct the family tree based on the person you did match with. It really irks me when people post about things they know nothing about.

If your s'n'law really wants to find this child/adult she could do a sample with ancestry DNA and help trace family history. My parents stumbled across a grandchild this way - she's coming over for Christmas this year.

We had a different situation we all knew but he didn't he just thought we were his foster family being kind and keeping in touch so when they told him moms dying he said he was sorry and didn't intrude on "our" grief he was angry and upset when he found out but he has made peace with it (i hope) his father's family should have told him we all assumed they had! We still meet up for family get togethers

What did you all know?

That would only work if its the adopted person trying to do the tracing.

If you're trying to find an adopted person it would only work if the adopted sibling has had their own children who have taken a test. Everyone else that they're legally related to through adoption is not a genetic relative so wouldn't show as a match.

When my Gran and Grandad live in Australia they'd left some paperwork with us. This was kept in the Desk - repository for all important family papers. Being nosy kids myself and my brother both had a rummage in there from time to time and both independently discovered my Gran had divorced in the thirties, married Grandad and soon had Dad. As kids we thought little of it. But when Dad eventually found the same paperwork he realised the dates were quite close. Dad being Dad got Mum to write to Gran to check. There never was any doubt really Dad is a spit for Grandad.
And it was decades later in a chance conversation that brother and I found we had both known. Neither he nor I have ever spoken to Dad about it. No real surprise, he married his partner and didn't tell us. We only found out when they had a big argument and she rang to tell me - just to spite him - three years after they married.
I would have liked to talk to Gran about the challenge of getting a divorce in the thirties - we are not a wealthy family. But she was as tight lipped as Dad about such things.

That’s very true and many people have found adopted siblings in this way.

i would though always advise to HANG FIRE and give it a good few months to sink in. Adoption counsellors can help your DH and his sister decide if they do want to try to find this full or half sibling, or not. It is probably very unlikely that the sibling themselves has done an Ancestry dna test, so then you’re into building fsmily trees and understanding Centimorgans. There are professional genealogists and enthusiastic amateurs who can help.

but don’t rush into it, I’d always advise at least 6 months to let the dust settle.

DH's friend discovered he had a half brother when their DM died, she had mentioned nothing about it when she was alive. They get along really well apparently. He (and us) still don't understand why she didn't say anything to him when alive. Families eh?

I discovered an adopted away relative (half-uncle?) in 2019 via Ancestry.com genetic test match. I don't know why he was even on Ancestry because he resolutely did not want to know us. Comms via his step-daughter. Insisted that I should tell our shared family not to contact him (that's the whole family who didn't know he existed, and I wasn't going to upset them by telling them). His existence has been shared with a few but > 80% still don't know. I strongly advised that he make his profile unfindable on Anc.com.

He never made his profile private on Ancestry, so whole family (dozens of people) may yet find him.

People are weird. I don't regret reaching out but am sad he's so unfriendly.

The UK Adult adoptee movement might be able to advise where you can get support and guidance.

what would you like to do? Ancestry dna might connect you to the adopted sibling. (I’m adopted, just did it and have found my family.)

maybe it’s helpful to get some context on how hard it was for pregnant mothers at that time, they had no choice or information, some not even knowing how babies are made.