To finish the degree that i absolutely fucked up

[ithinkifeelaliveagain]

I started a degree in 2018 when my ds was 8 months old. Although the subject was something I was and am really passionate about and I had wanted to do something like this for a long time, I think I really started the degree at that point because I had some pnd and couldn’t face being stuck at home with 3 kids.

My degree went fully online during Covid and never went back to face to face which I struggled with massively. Like other students we missed out on loads of practical work, field trips etc and the degree was pretty crap without it. I’ve always had good results from coursework & exams usually getting a 1st or sometimes 1:2 grade but it didn’t come easily to me and I would get so stressed out about every single assignment I handed in, they would take me forever and I started having a lot of panic attacks because I was so stressed.

During this time my partner was extremely unsupportive and my dd 7 also developed health problems and she had been in and out of hospital since 2019 and missed loads of school etc. I eventually separated from my my partner I ended up having to find a job and decided to do the rest of my degree part time with aim of finishing my degree this year.

Last year I started my dissertation and then my brother died suddenly, I tried to carry on and was working with an external agency to collect data for my dissertation but after a couple of minor things went wrong I just had an absolute breakdown, my anxiety was though the roof, I was depressed and suicidal and also grieving for my brother. I’m ashamed to say I just abandoned the whole year mid way though. Never spoke to my uni or the other agency just buried it all and ignored everyone’s calls/emails.

I eventually got help and went on antidepressants and had some counselling. Im feeling much happier but the knowledge that I completely fucked up the degree is constantly weighing on my mind, I feel like such a failure. My uni have recently been in touch and said they had paused my studies last year but I need to decide what to do. I have enough credits for an ordinary degree but it’s pretty much useless without the honours year.

A huge part of me wishes I’d never started the degree, it’s absolutely destroyed my confidence in myself and taken away time I could have spent with my children but another part of me thinks if its already ruined my life I should at least finish it and I’ll never get another chance to do a degree. I’ve also run up huge amounts of student loans and will obviously still have to pay that back whether I finish the degree or not, and I have no other qualifications so without the degree I will never be able to get a well paid job to support my kids. I’m so embarrassed about the way I ended things with the agency I was working with for my dissertation and I’m not sure how to fix things if I go back.

anyway I basically need someone else to tell me what to do with my life:

YANBU go back and finish the degree
YABU life’s too short for all this stress don’t finish the degree

Go back and finish it. You can be stressed for a year sorting your dissertation, or you can regret your decision forever. I had a similar decision with a master's level qualification. I had a terrible change of circumstances part way through and took some time out but had to decide whether to forfeit or complete. I completed.

A degree with out an honours is not pointless. A degree and qualifications are like tools in a toolbox, every one you have adds to what you can bring to the table, the more tools you have the more useful you are to some one.

Go back and complete it, no one ever won if they never finished. Don't quit as it shows you wont stick it it out, even completing with a minimal grade shows you tried and that's more to an employer than some one who quits.

Go for it, you will regret throwing away another chance. Prove to yourself even you can do it.

I think you should take charge of your life and finish it.
You will have regrets if you don’t.

Would you have to accrue more debt if you did finish it?

I don’t know. What is the degree in, what would it lead to? On balance I think finishing it would be better than not finishing it but sometimes it really just isn’t worth it!

It sounds as though you’ve been through an awful lot and anyone can see why you would collapse under the strain but now may be the time to do something positive for you, your children and all your futures. The degree could mean that something good comes out of all the trials you’ve had, maybe even be a tribute to your brother. Go back and I’m sure he’ll be looking down proudly when you graduate.

@Icecolddrink I think that as long as I finish it this year I won’t have to pay anymore fees. It would mean basically doing the year full time when I’m already working full time and have my kids almost 100% of the time too.

Finish it. It sounds like it will boost your self confidence and give you something to be proud of.

What is the degree in? Is it something that will directly lead to a job? As that’s all the more reason to do it.

But PP is right, a degree without honours is not useless. I graduated with honours but don’t think I even put the (Hons) on my CV so nobody would know it isn’t an “ordinary” degree.

Talk to your uni! They usually have whole teams of people to help with this kind of thing. They can come up with a plan for the agency you feel you messed up with. At the very least just talk to them and find out what your options are.

How did you get accepted for a degree without any other qualifications?

But, I also think you should finish it. The student loan only gets deducted once you earn 26k or above and only at a percentage.

I think getting enough credits for an ordinary degree with all of that going on is phenomenal. You should be very very proud.

It sounds like you were getting good marks? If completing the degree will get you a 2.1 or 1st I'd think really hard about doing it because that will make a huge difference vs an ordinary degree if you want to use it to apply for jobs down the line.

It also sounds like completing the degree and getting honours (of any designation) will be hugely helpful to your sense of self worth and perhaps nicely draw a line under a difficult few years with a big fat positive landmark to celebrate.

If you do go back, fully engage with all support services, have your mental health recorded as a disability and take full advantage of any extensions etc you are allowed because of that. Make the system work for you.

On the other hand, if you need a bit of downtime after a horrendous few years, you just don't have it in you right now, and you don't need any extra stress - then let it go, guilt-free, as an active decision for your own mental health. And celebrate the ordinary degree.

(All of this spoken as a university lecturer with 2018 and 2020 babies who recently paused her PhD due to burnout, if that gives my words any weight.)

Have you told uni what you've been through? My friend's mum died during her third year and they made lots of accommodations and she came out with a first.

I think the studying is a huge positive - it's just a shame so many painful and stressful things have happened at the same time that make it feel like a millstone. Having the degree will open doors for you though, and I think it would be a real shame to drop it after all the hard work you've put in. You've also excelled with excellent grades!

Good luck if you decide to go for it x

It’s a lot then. Do you think you can manage? Go for it if so. I think you would have to be really honest with yourself about what you can manage though - I’m obviously not saying DON’T do it but equally don’t set yourself up to fail, does that make sense?

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I had done a couple of modules with the OU a few years before so I used those to get into the degree. As a mature student I didn’t have to meet the usual access requirements.

@Icecolddrink I think that’s really what’s worrying me, I feel like I could just be setting myself up to fail!

Thanks for all the posting replies. @JenniferBarkley thsts really helpful thank you. I hope you manage to get back to your phd eventually!

*positive replies 🤦‍♀️

What subject is your degree in @ithinkifeelaliveagain ? What job do you intend to use it for?

Is there any scope at all for maybe doing it over two years? I will be honest here and say I think I personally would struggle with children, a FT job and a degree! Please don’t take that as negative at all!

Yes, this is worth investigating.

My first degree was really messy but I got there. You can too!

You need to show yourself a huge amount of compassion. There are very good reasons for where you are now and other people, dealt the same hand, would be in the same position.

Objectively, if it doesn't crush you, finishing this off would be good and important. However, it has become enmeshed with traumatic events, and you need to work/live within your tolerances. So there is no wrong answer

The thing that screams out at me, is that you should get some high quality support to work through the issues (Uni counselling service?) and if you are going to complete your degree, try as hard as you can to make that long term support, so you have a safe, supportive and non-judgemental place to discuss your difficult feelings. That will really help you navigate through this and get over the line.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I think I have a version of @francesthebadger 's advice really. Devoting near-full-time hours to a demanding course, plus children, plus full-time work is a LOT. Have you worked out a realistic schedule that will allow you to meet your commitments? You need to do this.

That's a practical point, that would apply to anyone. But, as frances says, this particular educational experience has become very enmeshed with traumatic events and a huge loss of confidence for you. That's incredibly disappointing when it's something you'd looked forward to and came to with a lot of optimism. And it's creating a lot of pressure to 'get it right' and 'make it worthwhile'.

I 'messed up' my degree, and it has taken me decades to very slowly work my way back to education, study, sitting exams and writing. I can only do it in small bursts, and I have to be very careful in order not to feel overwhelmed and panicked and stuck and frightened all over again. I think it's like PTSD!

You can work your way back to pleasure in your studies, and a sense of achievement. Some of it is about technique and realistic understanding of the task, and planning. Some of it is about things that are more personal and internal and individual. But the way you write just now, I'm not sure you're in the place to do it currently. Can you get help from your student welfare advisory service?

@francesthebadger can i just say how much i appreciate your thoughtful response?

i have a similar feeling to the OP only in my case it was a PhD which got failed due to huge emotional issues tied up with it, and it is too long ago now to redo. I’m only just now feeling brave enough to start unpicking my feelings about it, and it is genuinely thought provoking to read all these responses and yours in particular. Thank you.

Thanks @RubaiyatOfAnyone. I was in a similar place many years ago.

I am sorry to hear what happened and am always in awe of anyone with the extraordinary focus and strength to undertake a PhD. I hope your exploration brings you peace.

Don't get tied to "i started so I'll finish" mentality. Only do it if it will benefit your future. What job will it get you. Is this something you see yourself doing for the rest of your life? Does it align with your strengths and weaknesses? There are plenty of degrees out there that are a waste of time and money. On the other hand could you find something you're passionate about while getting paid for it?