To be only just learning how to socialise at nearly 40? Let me explain.

[Wonderingifitsjustme]

It is difficult to explain this but I'm in my late 30s and I feel like I'm only just learning the social norms that most people seem to know much younger.

For example just not being too intense with conversation, not telling people too much or rambling about my problems, being more laid back about making plans, realising people say things not don't always do it and it's ok (I think) to do that, being nice rather than right. I feel like Sheldon Cooper saying all this and wonder whether there is something about me that has made me take a long time to learn all this.

I am not sure I have explained this very well but being less socially awkward and more laid back I suppose. The way most other people seem to be at a younger age! Why did I get here so late?

Are you thinking you may be neurodiverse?

Hey OP, I get what you’re saying… I didn’t get any guidance on any of this growing up. Parents had their own issues so I was the least of their problem. Got through my teens and early 20s fine, I think relationships in general at that age are quite “in each others pockets”.

I feel like I went through life quite naive, I thought everyone had the same intentions as me. From mid twenties on I realised lots of people talk shit and will let you down. I thought having the same experiences as others meant we had a connection so would talk about things I experienced that were similar to them, but often ended up feeling I’d rambled. I’m in 40s also and feel like I am just recently learning to step back and put my guard up in the last few years.

I never felt like I belonged with my family so for me, I felt like I sought belonging elsewhere. I find it hard to work out when someone is pulling back from me and when my anxiety/paranoia is playing up so that doesn’t help either.

Were you isolated somewhat and perhaps controlled by your parents?

Following with interest as I’m pretty similar

Me too.

Suspect that it's a reason we talk with strangers on the web rather than our 'friends'. .

@Bromptotoo Who?

I’ve been through this but for me it was related to my mental health, though I didn’t realise it. I was way too tightly wound growing up thanks to crap parents and high levels of stress. As I’ve gotten older (and gotten a bit of therapy here and there) I’ve been able to relax and realise that things really don’t matter, life doesn’t have to be correct or perfect all the time and I don’t always have to be completely upfront and demand justice/fairness/honesty/punctuality whatever. I think I was always mildly in fight or flight mode without realising it.

Yes this is me… also almost 40. I am
an only child with parents who are quite frankly weird and socially awkward.

I had a job that required zero human interaction so I didn’t get much of that until now. For the last year I’ve worked in an office full of people and been told how weird I am, how weird my life is and how always I am!

So I completely get what you mean. Since then I’ve been researching social norms, appropriate conversations and behaviours. It’s so hard to behave “normally” especially as I spend a lot of time with my parents who are now in their 80s so will never change.

People on forums generally; here or others I inhabit around cars or cycling.

Not a judgement, just a personal observation.

Similar too, I can look back on things I came out with that silenced a group and cringe my heart out. I do suspect I'm neurodiverse tbh, but none of my family are so perhaps I'm delusional because it seems to run in families. I was premature though so maybe that could be a factor.

I have never fitted in, always felt other. People baffle me. My 10yo at the time child had to explain to me that when people say "oh my god don't even ask" they mean, do actually ask follow up questions . Why would they say that though?

I find it really difficult to 'people' in person even though my work is very much people based 🤯 thankfully DH is very good and takes the lead for both of us. I find it exhausting if I need to people solo when I'm not in work mode 😩

The thing that has always worked for me is to just keep asking people questions about what they're talking about and make noises and facial expressions that make me look like I'm genuinely interested. People like to talk about themselves, and people like people who appear interested in them. Plus it reduces the number of opportunities for me to say something wrong. The only thing I haven't mastered yet is how to end these conversations lol.

It sounds like you weren’t properly socialised growing up.

Did your parents take you to visit relatives? Did you join clubs when you were young? Did you have regular visitors to your house (family, friends, etc..)

Erm, ouch

There was a really fascinating thread on here a few months ago about whether popularity is inherited or learned. People pointed out that parents who are popular and social probably teach the same values to their DC by osmosis whereas parents who are shy and awkward do the same but with the way they socialise.

I don't think my parents are totally shy and awkward but they are definitely not popular and it has rubbed off on me and my sister. Interestingly we have half siblings who have a much more outgoing and social mum and they are much more conventionally popular and social than we are.

I find this fascinating. I now find myself wondering which category people fall into when I see strangers in public and try to see what they are doing differently.

I think "don't even ask" is hyperbole, it's short for don't ask, because it's a long story/you'll get me ranting and you'll be here all day (hyperbole, it probably won't literally take so long you'll be bored) and you don't want to hear me whittering on. It's meant to convey; only ask if you actually want to hear me talk about it. It's basically an invitation for the listener to say ooh no go on, tell me (which means yes, please do whitter on at me for ages because I like your company and am interested in your story) but it's also an excuse to change the subject or leave if the listener doesn't actually want to be talked at for ages or get into somebody's business.

I’m 46 and still learning.

Haha I could have written this! Still learning mid 30s.

It seems that I found my people 🙌🏼.
Following with interest

I’m quite rule-driven OP, and have had to learn - as an adult - that (some) other people may have a more laissez-faire approach to doing things than me.

Would have helped with social relations when I was younger if I’d appreciated that what I see as a cast iron commitment to something (ie, meeting up, birthday meal, etc) is not necessarily perceived in the same way by friends.

I can relate, but I am neurodivergent. I often feel like The Solomon family from Third Rock from The Sun; an alien trying to fit in amongst the human race.

Thank you for all the replies. It is comforting to have found others who understand. I don't feel I can discuss this with anyone IRL.

I have not read all of the replies yet.

I feel like I went through life quite naive, I thought everyone had the same intentions as me. From mid twenties on I realised lots of people talk shit and will let you down.

I can relate to this.

Were you isolated somewhat and perhaps controlled by your parents?

Yes. I had strict parents so didn't socialise with peers the same way as others. I wasn't allowed to go out with them after school for example. I did leave home for university but then went back home and it is only now (after being married and having my own home for almost a decade and now having my own children) that I am waking up.

Did your parents take you to visit relatives? Did you join clubs when you were young? Did you have regular visitors to your house (family, friends, etc..)

I did see relatives and family a lot and even some friends but I do think parents were overprotective. I didn't go on school residential trips for example or have sleepovers and was not allowed to go out with friends on a weekend when others my age were.

I think of the Internet and WhatsApp had been around then this would be different and I am sometimes in awe of how young adults are able to be fully socialised and not what to say in various situations.

I was way too tightly wound growing up thanks to crap parents and high levels of stress. As I’ve gotten older (and gotten a bit of therapy here and there) I’ve been able to relax and realise that things really don’t matter, life doesn’t have to be correct or perfect all the time and I don’t always have to be completely upfront and demand justice/fairness/honesty/punctuality whatever.

I relate to this too. I was ambitious and didn't value people and relationships over ambition which is another thing I have only learned recently.

Are you thinking you may be neurodiverse?

It has occurred to me but I haven't put much thought or energy into it. I have always been very academic and book clever but find social interactions awkward and sometimes even don't understand what people mean unless they spell it out whereas other people do seem to get it. I am very conscious of my environment and struggle with changes to things / can be inflexible. I can be quite focussed on the rules and I pointing out the correct / factual response to things rather than just being empathetic. I feel like I am learning these things over time. These could all just be personality traits of course.

Oh wow op what an interesting reflection. With the added content of your childhood it makes sense that you have developed different ways of socialising at you have got older.

Not to the same extent, but I also feel like to manage social situations much better now. Partly having honed my skills via putting myself out there more, partly actively brings more engaging by doing things like making sure I’m asking questions and partly recognising I have a limit and times when I want to socialise and times when I don’t.

very interesting stuff.

Well done OP. I was in my late 40s before I became sociable but I have really quite an active social life now.

Yeah I have learnt not to be so open. I still don’t really understand why people who are very open are the “odd” ones.

I find this fascinating. I now find myself wondering which category people fall into when I see strangers in public and try to see what they are doing differently.

I think so too but it seems to be mostly people just being more laid back?!

I feel like I went through life quite naive, I thought everyone had the same intentions as me. From mid twenties on I realised lots of people talk shit and will let you down.

I agree.

I have found when people say they're there if you need anything I have found this is not actually the case if you call on them. Not that I have done this often but I remember an instance at work of a colleague (also a friend I see out of work) said to let her know if I needed help as I was busy and struggling and when I asked her to help with someone she said "sorry Wondering I have my own work to do".

Also when people say "let's go for a coffee" (which I now accept is a thing people just say) or otherwise suggest meeting up and just don't follow through I now see this as a "them" thing rather than expecting follow up or wondering why it didn't happen.