To be only just learning how to socialise at nearly 40? Let me explain.

[Wonderingifitsjustme]

It is difficult to explain this but I'm in my late 30s and I feel like I'm only just learning the social norms that most people seem to know much younger.

For example just not being too intense with conversation, not telling people too much or rambling about my problems, being more laid back about making plans, realising people say things not don't always do it and it's ok (I think) to do that, being nice rather than right. I feel like Sheldon Cooper saying all this and wonder whether there is something about me that has made me take a long time to learn all this.

Me too. Combinations of much of the above. Mid-40s.

Home life quite isolating - we did a lot, 'got out' and often saw (parents') friends and relatives, but parents hated being hosts and it was hugely rare for me to have friends round. At least one parent is neurodiverse. They can present very well (their jobs made this both necessary and gave a lot of practice) - this has passed on to me, but is again very rule driven.

I feel as if I have only got one register, and would like to be 'cared about' so it works with a few close relationships, but is not right for hitting it off with new, casual ones. I do not like to use social media in the main, and never have (I think I would put my foot permanently in my mouth and I also can't fathom the very casual/speedy/vague parts that are key to it) - so I know this slices off a huge part of how social lubricant is now distributed. I'm either very hot on boundaries, or very wide of the mark.

I also care less what people think.

I’ve lost all of my friends because i am
a but odd… I embrace it. I like being on my own and not depending on anyone for an outlet or happiness.

oh and that “let’s go for coffee” yeah that’s a thing people say but really don’t mean. I left a job after 3 years and considered myself friends with my colleagues, literally have had a txt/contact from just one of them since I left…. Bull💩

Glad I’m not the only one… I totally get it. I see friends on Facebook sometimes who are so sociable, always doing things and being with others… they are the type to come back from holidays with yet more friends! Lol it all seems so easy for them. and here’s me feeling like a square peg in a round hole…

I get it op. It's a lot to do with your upbringing. I grew up in a house where everyone loathed each other, didn't have any spare money and basically just survived.

we weren't allowed out after school, weren't allowed visitors, no socialising, parents didn't socialise with others or show any concern or affection for each other.

We didn't do anything or go anywhere for fun. No money.

When I got to college I saw people go for takeaways or out for the evening, and I had no idea how to take part. Relationships were difficult because I'd never seen a decent one. It took me years to work out all the subtleties.
Mumsnet was an eye-opener. The things that people get upset about, that I thought just had to be tolerated. 😁

I'm following with interest as I can really relate. I'm not sure how much it has to do with upbringing though. My sister and I were brought up together and she is a lot more sociable than I am. (I have moved and lived in different countries so had to start over a few times, but still..) We also saw relatives and had friends over growing up...
I like having friends but I find maintaining friendships a bit draining I suppose. It doesn't come naturally. I do feel like I had to learn a lot. I spent a lot of my youth self-medicating as it helped me relax and be more sociable..
My teen struggles a bit now. He has friends that he plays with online but seems to get forgotten a bit with social get-togethers (he is quite shy). He has had plenty of exposure when younger, clubs, playdates, and friends over. But even then you'd see kids that are so much more open and outgoing...

I can relate to so much of this. I’m very open in conversation, and often share too much and go off on tangents. I’m aware of this, so try to ask lots of questions to who I’m speaking to. But they don’t offer much, and respond with one word answers so I find myself filling the gaps and talking about myself. With old groups of friends it’s ok, we’re all talking and it’s hard to get a word in edgeways but with new people it does feel that they can’t be arsed to say anything about themselves and would rather I just rattled on.

I was very socially isolated as I child. We lived miles away from civilisation so it made it really easy for my parents to control any social interactions!
This pushed me the other way, as soon as I got a full time job I could afford a car. Once I had a car I was out of there!
I made loads of mistakes whilst I found my feet peopling 😂like others on here, if someone said let's meet up but didn't make firm plans it used to mess with my head.
Getting into the groove of mixing with others can be hard but once you click you've got it!
It always makes my blood boil a bit when I see threads on here from parents that describe themselves as introverts and ask if it will affect their children if they don't do parties and playdates....newsflash of course it will.
If someone bought a puppy and said they had no intention of socialising it properly there would be outcry!! Apparently some of us children didn't even deserve the basics that puppies are expected to receive.
Sorry rant over!

I can relate to a lot of this. As I’ve got older I really overthink the rules of communication. I struggle also with the “flow” of conversion. It feels like when I’m a group people naturally continue or add to the conversation in ways that don’t accidentally interrupt another person. I start speaking when someone else does too or I’ll think the other person has finished and butt in as they hadn’t. I worry I’m adding my opinion/experience too much, but then when I don’t I’m listening to someone else’s story (say for examples of a holiday location I know really well etc) and not inputting. Then when it does come up again and I say I know it well I feel like I’m lying as a whole conversation happened about it before and I didn’t say.

im also finding communication so much more tiring since feeling more conscious of this. Unfamiliar work meetings, social events etc can now wipe me out for hours. I feel like I have a persona I have to turn on and it’s exhausting

I can relate to this as well. I'm not ND but just been quite a shy, awkward person my whole life. I'm still that way now but I've learned a bit over the years and since my mid thirties I feel like it's all coming together. I'm not amazingly popular or anything, but I've learned how to have conversations and mingle with people. I have confidence now to invite a friend out or go to a party.

It's shame I didn't have this knowledge and ability earlier, instead of going through my 20s with no friends. But better late than never, right?

Same op. I thought I was doing better but having just been away with a friend I’ve realised she’s been taking advantage of me and actually whilst I listen to her and her problems a lot she never does the same for me. Feel like I attract users because I’m always seeking close friendships!

Me too! I am so like this. I am nearly 50 and still learning how to interact properly.

I have reached a level in which i am happy with the amount of friends and social contacts i have. But it is really comforting to know that there are other people who feel like this too.

It also makes me feel better about our decision to move a couple of years ago. We lived in Sydney. I loved it and really miss it still. But socially i could never fit in. In the gentrified suburb were we lived, the people were so friendly and nice but there was just something that meant i couldn't click properly with the others (neighbours/mums). We moved to DHs scandinvian homecountry and I am socially much happier. I can interact so better with people here than in Sydney.

I realise that I don't have the skills to get on with anyone anywhere. But here it isn't rubbed in my face every day. Relief

I'm late 50s and the penny is only just dropping for me. My parents had a really dysfunctional relationship - which I didn't realise until in my 30s.

I've never been great in a social situation. I'm finally getting better but I've definitely come the long way round!

I've never had a long term relationship. The longest I've ever managed was almost 3 years (and the last year was spent mostly in silence).

I had no idea about socialising, making friends or building relationships. It's coming together with friends now but relationships? Sadly I think that ship has sailed. I wish I could go back and do it all again... and get it right!

Yes I can relate to feeling like this too. I grew up as an only child. I used to love hanging out with my friends but when I reached about 12 or 13, my mother stopped me from going out to see them. So from then on, all my free time outside of school was spent at home, either doing homework, art, gardening and housework. I used to feel so lonely and used to wish I had a sibling.
There was nothing wrong with my friends, my mother just wanted to isolate and control me. I saw her for what she was as I got older.