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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a new friend?

36 replies

lilpeepgothboy · 25/06/2023 22:06

I’ve become friendly with a colleague, we don’t see each other much at work because we’re only in 2 days a week and they tend to be full of meetings etc.

We went out for coffee this weekend and wow it was almost like I might as well have not been there. I’ve never known someone to talk at me for two hours. It was relentless.

Any time I tried to speak she’s instantly cut me off, at one point I ignored her and continued talking and she did stop. She’s already asked to go out again but I feel like why should I?

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 25/06/2023 22:08

No I wouldn’t meet up again.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/06/2023 22:09

I’d probably make a joke about her not letting you say anything and see how she reacts. Constant talking can be a sign of anxiety.

Then if she doesn’t react well I’d decline

wildfirewonder · 25/06/2023 22:09

I have one friend who can be a bit like this, I enjoy the rest Grin

But if it is too one-sided, it'll not work.

How are they at work?

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/06/2023 22:09

Yes it would put me off. Why make time in your life for someone with no interest in you who just drains you? Life is too short.

Southeastdweller · 25/06/2023 22:10

Maybe she's on the autistic spectrum?

bleepbloopImABot · 25/06/2023 22:11

I’m sure I’ve done this before. I’m also currently undergoing the ADHD diagnostic process (following DS’s diagnosis).

Just saying!

Hullabalooza · 25/06/2023 22:11

I think with new friendships, gut feeling counts for a lot. I laboured at a friendship with a school mum despite my better judgement and she turned out to be as unpleasant as I sensed from day 1. If she’s not someone you genuinely click with, don’t bother and save yourself the aggro.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 25/06/2023 22:12

She sounds utterly draining. I think I’d have had to make an excuse & leave early.

pilates · 25/06/2023 22:12

If it annoys you now imagine in a couple of years. I would be taking a step back.

NoraLuka · 25/06/2023 22:13

I wouldn’t like this but might go out again in case it’s different next time. I would try to say something if she carries on not letting you get a word in.

I have a friend like this and I think it’s because she doesn’t have that many people to chat to, so tries to say everything when she gets a chance! I have boundaries now though (after 20 years!) and if I’m busy when she calls I’m quite blunt and just say I don’t have time.

PurpleChrayne · 25/06/2023 22:15

Southeastdweller · 25/06/2023 22:10

Maybe she's on the autistic spectrum?

Maybe she's got dementia!

Pjmasksonrepeat · 25/06/2023 22:15

I'd go out once more and see if it's any different the second time. People with anxiety or Adhd can do this and they may have been anxious about the first time meeting up with you. Personally I'd try again and give them a chance.

LizHoney · 25/06/2023 22:16

She might be lonely. Excited to have a new friend. Gabbed too much this time, but will calm down. Worth giving her the benefit of the doubt as there is obviously something in her you liked. Perhaps a walk next time rather than a coffee so it feels less of a barrage and it's easier to change the subject by commenting on your surroundings.

DontBePassiveAggresive · 25/06/2023 22:17

I'd give her another chance, she could have been anxious, passionate about what she was talking about or lots of other reasons. It doesn't mean she nessesarily wants to be like that or will be like that every time.

Dotcheck · 25/06/2023 22:18

I’d give her one more go

saraclara · 25/06/2023 22:19

Try once more, and be ready to say "can we talk about me now?"

But if she's the same as my 'no longer a friend' she'll give you through seconds before breaking in with her own story.

XenoBitch · 25/06/2023 22:21

I would try again. Like a few PP have said, it could have been nerves.

I do know a few people who are always like this, and they have ADHD or Autism. But then I also know a few people with Autism who absolutely can not stand people chatting at them either. Horses for courses and all that.

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 25/06/2023 22:22

Depends how generous you feel and how much time you have, how much spare bandwidth. Personally I don’t have time to listen to people for hours but you might!

Original poster
lilpeepgothboy · 25/06/2023 22:34

She’s really not the nervous type. I can’t speak for autism or adhd but she doesn’t exhibit any traits that stand out to me.

She describes herself as loud etc

OP posts:
Trying2understand · 25/06/2023 22:34

It's tricky with a coworker as you don't want to cause issues at work. I wonder if she's anxious as that can definitely contribute to over talking.

I'd try to make excuses for a few weeks and set a date a couple months away. Give her another chance. You just don't know if it was nerves/anxieties etc.

HawdMeBack · 25/06/2023 22:45

I had a friend like this. We were close when younger but lost touch as we grew up. She messaged me one day out of the blue, having not seen each other for years, and asked to meet for lunch and a catch up. I was looking forward to it but the only words I got in the whole time was, 'how are you?'. She spent the next 2.5hrs talking AT me and never asked a single question. I frequently felt myself zoning out. She had no interest in me or what I'd been up to, she just wanted a sounding board. She got in touch a few weeks later asking to meet for a coffee but I made my excuses and haven't seen her since. This was over 10 years ago.

Onelifeonly · 25/06/2023 22:50

Maybe give her one more chance? I have a long term friend who is actually more of a listener during group events but the day I met her (introduced by a mutual friend) she never stopped talking. I put it down to nerves after I got to know her.

To be honest, with most of my friends, we jockey for the chance to speak, and if people are quiet, I do have a tendency (which I try to curb) to fill the silence.

However your post reminds me of the time a year or two back when I went round to see an ex colleague who retired some years back. She started off with a few questions but then literally talked about herself for two hours solid, with me only ever saying things like 'Oh, how awful for you' or 'Really?' I assume she was lonely but I felt totally railroaded and vowed never to offer to go there again. (Actially feel a bit mean for thinking that now, but there again, she hasn't invited me.....)

TwoPairsOfPantsAndAMohairVest · 25/06/2023 23:53

I like it when people talk like that because I'm really shy, so I can just ask questions about what they're talking about and not try and make really awkward small talk 😂

Asd is always rolled out here, and it could be true in this case. My son has no interest in conversation unless it's about his current fixation, we're working on it with him, but some people really do just like to chat or offload i guess.
Was anything she talked about interesting to you? If it was is I'd go for another meet up, but if not then I'd be busy for the foreseeable.

bleepbloopImABot · 26/06/2023 06:04

lilpeepgothboy · 25/06/2023 22:34

She’s really not the nervous type. I can’t speak for autism or adhd but she doesn’t exhibit any traits that stand out to me.

She describes herself as loud etc

I’m not suggesting I can diagnose her from here but many of us go 40 or 50 years before being told we have autism or ADHD. I have a social anxiety diagnosis but nobody ever believes me; I feel it, I don’t show it.

That said, she might just be a self-centred PITA 😂 That’s also a strong possibility. But it might be worth giving her another chance.

grimmers44 · 26/06/2023 07:31

I'd probably say yes to going out again, and just sit there passive aggressively not saying a single word to the point where she actually notices.