Husband shouted at me in car for checking our journey

[SophieD1987]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to get a sense check.

This lunchtime we were going to meet friends at a park about 30 minutes from where we live. Early in the morning we’d been out driving somewhere and saw a sign showing the motorway was closed between the junctions we needed.

So when we left to go to the picnic about 4 hours later my husband said he was going to drive the back route as the motorway is closed. By doing the back route it would add about 25 minutes to our journey (making us late to meet our friends).

So I brought up Google maps and saw that the journey on the motorway looked clear and implied we’d get there on time.

I mentioned this to him and he started shouting, yelled at me for interfering. Said he would go on the motorway but if we are delayed it’s on me. He carried on yelling. I started crying.

He then said: ‘I apologise BUT you were interfering and getting involved when I had figured out the journey and you were completely out of order to suggest something different.’ I told him that wasn’t a proper apology because of the BUT blaming things on me.

When we got to the park I got out of the car and walked away just to get a bit of space before we met our friends. Husband gets out and announces he will take him and our 5-year-old son home. I am not sure what he thought would happen to me as he was driving our car.

Our friends arrive and then obviously that didn’t happen.

Was I unreasonable to look up the route?

Not one of those reasons is reason enough to stay in this nightmare of a marriage. You're so beaten down you don't even know which way is up. Please do not allow your child to grow up witnessing this abuse. Your child has heard and seen far too much already.

He sounds like a control freak.

I am so sorry for what you went through with you dad xx Sounds like cutting ties was absolutely the right thing to do.

Yeah not a guilty conscience. Just trying to put you/your friend off the idea of the girls weekend. He'll be trying to separate you from your friends and family and isolate you so you'll be less able to leave.

Hi @SophieD1987 he is an abuser. If you’re not sure, check any of the threads here where women describe arguments on holiday etc etc etc, and you’ll see this behaviour is so totally textbook.
Or have a look on the refuge/womens aid sites under “what is abuse” and it’ll all start to feel very familiar. If you’ve met one you’ve met them all, it’s honestly like they’ve all read the same book.
Call refuge/women’s aid, they’ll help with an exit plan. It seems impossible to leave right now, but I can assure you, it is not, and there is life after abuse. A much better one.

Men like him just get worse OP.
Life once you’ve left is far, far better. You definitely can do it and you’ll wish you’d left earlier.

To be fair, I don't often let dp drive me around, he didn't learn to drive for 8 years of our relationship, I have found giving up control very difficult. I basically still do 99% of the driving. If there is an opportunity for someone to have a drink, I jump at the chance to encourage dp to have a few pints 🤣

Getting back to the thread, YANBU! Shouting at you and making you cry over directions is awful op, especially infront of your 5 year old. You don't want them to think this is an okay way to talk to you!!

He sounds nasty and controlling. And his comment re the girl's weekend was to guarantee that you won't be 'moaning' telling the truth about him to anyone.

DH and I have been married over 35 years. We do a LOT of driving (RVers) and I'll often 'trip-check' the routes he's chosen. If I suggest a different route, the most reaction I'll get is a shrug and "Yeah maybe, but this is the way I want to go". He'd certainly never shout at me or get angry. But that's because he sees us as equal partners, each with a right to say their bit. It's not right or healthy that you have to stifle your opinions and your feelings. Doing so can actually make one ill over time.

But the worst part is that your son heard the whole thing! What lessons is he learning, both from your DH's nastiness and your tears? This isn't what you want him to learn. So yes, divorce can be difficult and very scary, but there is more at stake here than just your happiness, isn't there?

First off, don't tell or threaten your DH with divorce. For now, it's your 'secret plan'. I suggest you start getting your ducks in a row and see a solicitor. Not that you have to file anything, just to get educated in what divorce might mean for you. Once you know that, you'll be in a better place to decide what and how you want to proceed.

And even though your family is scattered, they can still be a great source of emotional support for you. Pick one you can trust to keep your confidence and call them. Tell them the truth of your marriage, I'm sure they'll be more than willing to be that strong shoulder you need to lean on.

And you say you 'share' a car. Why do you think you have to leave it for him? If it's in joint ownership it's just as much yours as his so take it if you can afford to run it. Final disposition of this 'marital asset' can be handled legally.

Unfortunately we share a car so I’d be leaving him stuck without one if I did that. Unless I suggest we get a second car…. Also, son goes to school nearby 😬

You can't stay in a marriage because you've only got one car.

Your child is five, he can go to another school. He will be absolutely fine, better than living in a toxic home.

I'd dump him just for that.
Our neighbour never lets his wife drive him, he has to drive if they are together.
Dh drives his car I drive mine and if we are together then usually it's in my nicer car, so I drive. Neighbour looks at hime sideways. Dh says they are stuck in the past. and I say it's male chauvinism.