Husband shouted at me in car for checking our journey

[SophieD1987]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to get a sense check.

This lunchtime we were going to meet friends at a park about 30 minutes from where we live. Early in the morning we’d been out driving somewhere and saw a sign showing the motorway was closed between the junctions we needed.

So when we left to go to the picnic about 4 hours later my husband said he was going to drive the back route as the motorway is closed. By doing the back route it would add about 25 minutes to our journey (making us late to meet our friends).

So I brought up Google maps and saw that the journey on the motorway looked clear and implied we’d get there on time.

I mentioned this to him and he started shouting, yelled at me for interfering. Said he would go on the motorway but if we are delayed it’s on me. He carried on yelling. I started crying.

He then said: ‘I apologise BUT you were interfering and getting involved when I had figured out the journey and you were completely out of order to suggest something different.’ I told him that wasn’t a proper apology because of the BUT blaming things on me.

When we got to the park I got out of the car and walked away just to get a bit of space before we met our friends. Husband gets out and announces he will take him and our 5-year-old son home. I am not sure what he thought would happen to me as he was driving our car.

Our friends arrive and then obviously that didn’t happen.

Was I unreasonable to look up the route?

As others have said, he wanted to spoil your happiness.

He hadn't figured out the journey, not properly. If he had, he'd have got you to leave 20-25 minutes early in order to still be on time.

(btw I hardly ever drive when DH is in the car, but that is mainly because he gets nauseous in the car, but less so if he is driving. It gets tricky though on the rare occasions we're doing a long distance and he postpones taking appropriate breaks)

Yes I drive but husband will never let me drive when he is in the car.

Won't let you?! Why does he get to dictate what you do? He sounds like a total arsehole, OP.

Yes, he hates if I disagree with anything. Yelling isn’t unusual for him (behind closed doors of course) if I disagree or question something.

I would leave if we’ren’t married but the idea of divorce seems enormous and I have very little support network here as my family live all over the UK whereas his family are all close by and very involved.

There will be a lot of reasons you’ll be able to think of prevent you from leaving. But, from experience, being free from a disrespectful and abusive partner was worth all the upheaval of leaving.

Theres no excuse for him to yell at you and treat you like this. It will eat away at you over the years and life is too short. The partner I was with began with verbal abuse and it escalated to physical abuse. Often men who can’t control
themselves verbally can’t control themselves physically either. So sorry you’re having to deal with this. Too many people think it’s their god given right to treat their spouse/partner like utter shit.

Oh lovely 😕please don't stay because leaving seems hard. It will only get harder the longer you you leave it and his behaviour will get worse. Get support in real life. Talk to someone who can help you put a plan in place. If there really is no-one you trust, call Women's Aid. He's a bully. And a coward if he's saving it for behind closed doors. Do you have a job, who owns the house?

That is an insane, unreasonable overreaction on his part. he sounds nuts. And like he doesn't care if he frightens you or ruins your day with his temper.

he sounds like my dad.

I haven't seen my dad in over 10 years, with good reason.

You get one life op. Don't let him ruin yours. Relationships are not meant to be like this.

Ok, so the first thing to realise is that this is abusive behaviour. No doubt emboldened by your lack of support network. Your child is 5, best case scenario is that he grows up watching his dad do this to you. Worst is that he grows up copying him, or is subject to it himself.
He is 5. Now is a good time to leave.

Thank you 😊I have a job - I work 4 days a week mainly from home. The house is in both our names and we have a joint account for all our outgoings and income….

He sounds like a complete twat. And I wouldn't put up with not being "allowed " to drive when he's in the car. Who the hell does he think he is?

He says he’s a nervous passenger… but doesn’t feel he can say it to anyone else so let’s other people drive him, just not me.

He says he’s a nervous passenger… but doesn’t feel he can say it to anyone else so let’s other people drive him, just not me.

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt it's so true. My son speaks to me just like his father does and I'm beginning to hate him as well. My son is 22 and I know he's had a bad role model but he is too old to be influenced now?
Get out op before you become me

doesn’t feel he can say it to anyone else so let’s other people drive him, just not me.

Only shouts behind closed doors and only is controlling to you. Love, he has control over it, he is choosing to be an arsehole.

LTB.

However hard it feels to leave nothing NOTHING is worse than spending many years of your life being controlled and abused. And knowing your son is witnessing it all and absorbing it and will likely pass it on to his own future relationships.

You have one life op.

I left my abusive ex while very ill and caring for a severely disabled ds. I had no support network. It can be done but you have to want better for yourself and your son.

Change to fully wfh. Immediately you get in that with your DS and drive to one of your relatives to get away from this utter prick.

He sounds like a horrible bully.

This behaviour will also be affecting your son. I couldn’t live like this. 💐

Something else that happened today that just occurred to me that I thought was odd.

I suggested to my friend who we had met at the park with her husband and hadn’t seen in ages that we might like to go away for a girls weekend just us two.

My husband piped up, ‘it’s so she can moan about me.’

I had given no indication of that at all, played happy families all afternoon to avoid awkwardness so I thought it was an odd thing to say.

Why do you think he said that? Guilty conscience?

Unfortunately we share a car so I’d be leaving him stuck without one if I did that. Unless I suggest we get a second car…. Also, son goes to school nearby 😬

What a wanker.

Doubt it’s a guilty conscious. In my experience men like this don’t experience guilt. They just have a victim complex and also often unfortunately want to try and isolate you from friends and support networks, so they’ll start trying to poison you against them.

Agreed. It's massively more likely to be his narcissism (non-clinical!) and the best response is "God I won't even think about you on a girl's weekend, never mind mention you". Wanker.

He shouted at you whilst your child was in the car to the point you cried ! Please leave for your child's sake and do it soon before the poor child is damaged any further. I know you don't have family close by but believe me divorce is easier than being abused.

Only you can know what the right move is.

But please consider leaving this man for the sake of your child.

As I wrote in an earlier comment, he sounds just like my dad.

Permanently foul tempered, tries to control your every move to the point of either not letting you do something at all or shouting at and bullying you if you put a foot 'wrong'. You have to walk on eggshells all the time and not make eye contact so you don't trigger off a rage.
Pathologically unable to let anyone have fun or is perfectly happy to ruin a happy day with shouting.

Just to let you know, it doesn't get better. My dad still behaves like your DH. He regularly bullies my adult brothers and reduces them to tears. They are smart, capable men with no self esteem or confidence because of his parenting.

I cut ties with him 10 years ago and haven't looked back. I was constantly scared of him.

You and your children don't deserve to live like that. I just wanted to tell you that men like this don't soften or get better, and you shouldn't waste years of your life and your son's life living in fear and telling your kid things like 'he loves you really' or 'it's just his way'.