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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Could I be a good person with this attitude?

27 replies

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 17:51

All my life, I have tried to be a good person. I work in a job where I make a difference to young people facing challenges. It's not always easy but I'm fond of them and want what's best for them.
This weekend, during my time off and off my own bat, I've been in touch with some external agencies to help our young people. I seem to have had a good response and am delighted about this.
But here's the thing, I enjoy the glory of doing these things and being able to tell my line manager that my efforts have paid off. I like being held in positive regard by others. I think this stems of deep-seated insecurities from my past.
Does this take away from me doing it for the right reasons? I'm genuinely antagonising over this a bit. Does it matter if the end result is the same? I always eyeroll when I see people on social media give charity to those in need and then post it for all to see. But maybe I'm just the old-school equivalent Sad
I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone in real life, but would genuinely appreciate your responses.
Do I have a point or am I being much too hard on myself? I should add that there is absolutely no material gain in this for me, nor would I want there to be. However it should massively benefit my department as a whole, and the young people we work with.
I appreciate I probably sound a bit nuts Grin

OP posts:
impofthemind · 25/06/2023 17:53

Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, I have had intrusive thoughts pretty much my whole life about whether or not I'm a good person deep down. I think/hope I am, but who knows.

OP posts:
LifeIsPainHighness · 25/06/2023 17:53

Sorry OP are you asking if you’re a good person for doing charity work and not hating doing charity work?

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 17:55

LifeIsPainHighness · 25/06/2023 17:53

Sorry OP are you asking if you’re a good person for doing charity work and not hating doing charity work?

Umm, I'm not sure. It's not so much charity work, but going above and beyond in my regular job. And no, I definitely don't hate doing that!

OP posts:
LifeIsPainHighness · 25/06/2023 17:56

I’m just a bit confused as to what you think makes you not-a-good-person?

JamSandle · 25/06/2023 17:56

It doesn't really matter why you do a good thing. I think it's been said before that there's no such thing as a truly altruistic good deed.

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 17:57

LifeIsPainHighness · 25/06/2023 17:56

I’m just a bit confused as to what you think makes you not-a-good-person?

I guess because I enjoy the recognition for doing good. Surely a truly good person wouldn't care about that.
Sorry if I was unclear.

OP posts:
BlissedOutCat · 25/06/2023 17:58

It matters not one jot! Well done for making a difference.

GlitterSquid · 25/06/2023 17:58

It's win/win.
You benefit career wise and your volunteering benefits others.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/06/2023 17:59

Would you still do these things if you didn't get recognition for doing them?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/06/2023 17:59

Maybe some of the Saints didn’t enjoy or really think they were doing good. The rest of us just have to try our best, and thank God for the opportunity.

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:00

Thank you! I would just hate myself a bit if the recognition mattered more than the good deed itself.
Tying myself in knots here I think.

OP posts:
impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:00

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/06/2023 17:59

Would you still do these things if you didn't get recognition for doing them?

Yes, I'd like to think I would.

OP posts:
CheckEngineLight · 25/06/2023 18:01

So you do these things for the Pat on the back?
I think we all like praise, it gives us a warm glow, it’s not something I feel often enough tbh and I feel miserable and undervalued when I know I’m good at my job.
However, I heard recently about how you should learn self validation. It makes sense to be able to do this rather than waiting for others to tell us ‘good job’. It’s not easy though! In your case as the end result is good, as long as you are happy doing it and don’t feel/act like a martyr, then carry on.

Bebabelouba · 25/06/2023 18:02

As a slight aside I'd have a look at Brene Browns stuff on perfectionism. I think you may find it helpful.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/06/2023 18:03

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:00

Yes, I'd like to think I would.

Why don't you find out? Do something good and don't tell people. Then see how you feel.

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:06

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 25/06/2023 18:06

We all like acknowledgement for what we do well .
people generally give to charity because it makes them feel good . Lots of what we do is self serving it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Mischance · 25/06/2023 18:10

Heavens! - you are being very harsh on yourself! Cut yourself some slack!

I was a social worker and had many successes on behalf of my clients, but I also enjoyed the successes. I think you need to give yourself permission to be a human being; and just keep up the good work.

Gingerwright · 25/06/2023 18:13

I don't believe in good people and bad people. I think everyone does good and bad things, and all that differs is the ratio of good to bad. It also varies throughout life.

I get what you're saying. I think that doing the stuff for your young people is a good thing. I think seeking glory for it is neither good nor bad, but it doesn't make you a better person, so make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are hoping to make career progress by making sure your boss knows about your hard work, that makes sense. If you are just doing it for the sunny feeling of praise from someone whose opinion you value, I think it's okay to do this sometimes and it's human nature. People who do this a lot can become a bit grating though!

If you think you'd like to do a good deed without the praise and see how it feels, why not do a bit of guerrilla do-gooding? 😆 Send an anonymous present to a friend having a hard time, or donate to charity?

I love it when DH notices my hard work, so that's like your scenario. But I also do 'good' things that nobody else knows about. A balance maybe?

Sunnyfeelgood · 25/06/2023 18:17

How are you judging 'good?'

Why would people do things if they didn't get anything out of it?

The way I see it is you are doing some thing good, feeling good and then sharing your deed and other people are feeling good. That is 3 x the goodness.... so that is great! You could do something good feel nothing about it and not tell anyone. That is only 1x good and is no more noble or respectable.

You could also be stepping on people but getting lots of accolades and money and be receiving recognition for that. But you aren't, you chose the good life.

I am treating a client at the moment who has OCD and her intrusive thoughts are all along this line of thinking! 'Am I really a good person or am I just doing it for show which then cancels out my goodness?'.... its a rough ride!

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:19

Sunnyfeelgood · 25/06/2023 18:17

How are you judging 'good?'

Why would people do things if they didn't get anything out of it?

The way I see it is you are doing some thing good, feeling good and then sharing your deed and other people are feeling good. That is 3 x the goodness.... so that is great! You could do something good feel nothing about it and not tell anyone. That is only 1x good and is no more noble or respectable.

You could also be stepping on people but getting lots of accolades and money and be receiving recognition for that. But you aren't, you chose the good life.

I am treating a client at the moment who has OCD and her intrusive thoughts are all along this line of thinking! 'Am I really a good person or am I just doing it for show which then cancels out my goodness?'.... its a rough ride!

Oh my goodness, your client sounds exactly like me!

OP posts:
EmeraldEagle · 25/06/2023 18:19

I think only truly good people question whether they are good people, if you weren't you wouldn't care

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:27

EmeraldEagle · 25/06/2023 18:19

I think only truly good people question whether they are good people, if you weren't you wouldn't care

I could kiss you for this. It's really what I needed to hear.

OP posts:
Sunnyfeelgood · 25/06/2023 18:27

impofthemind · 25/06/2023 18:19

Oh my goodness, your client sounds exactly like me!

I think the official name is 'moral scrupulosity'

It is particularly prevelant in people who were brought up with religious backgrounds, but this isn't always the case. Someone made a great point above, bad people don't spend time worrying about whether they are good or not.

NuffSaidSam · 25/06/2023 18:31

I think this is almost everyone tbh. Everyone likes being recognised for what they've done, everyone enjoys the warm glow of knowing they've done a good thing. Very few, if any, acts are truly altruistic.

I don't know if you're 'good' or not, but I'd say you were completely normal.

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